The story of Spork.

I am the thrift store queen! I don't know why anyone would pay 4-10 times as much for housewares when you can thrift them. Great bargains and sometimes things are just like new. I even buy grimy baked on greasy vintage Pyrex, since I know just how to clean it up without damaging the pretty colors and patterns. It's my favorite hobby!

Yes, thrift stores are GREAT. I just noticed another one down the street that I have yet to visit. I'll be going to check it out at some point.

So the woman from Tennessee and her kids moved out. They moved into a house that they are sharing with other people, and there is a lot of drama there, too, but it's not my problem. One of her new housemates is a prostitute and heroin addict, who actually lived in our house for 2 weeks at one point last year, because Old Wolf met her on OKC and hoped to hook up with her, and wound up "helping her because she is a veteran." She's trouble, through and through. I made it very clear to her from day one that I didn't trust her. Funny thing though. By the end of 2 weeks, she couldn't wait to get away from Old Wolf and his crazy ranting and raving and moping and carrying on. He never did get her in bed, but I'm sure that is for the best. So now the most recent poor life choice woman is living, with her kids, in the same house as one of the previous poor life choice women, who is getting ready to be kicked out because the police keep showing up. Or something.

Have I mentioned I'm glad I'm getting away from all of this?

It also bears mention, that during the vast majority of my marriage and adulthood, we didn't associate with lowlifes, drug addicts, and such. We were fairly respectable middle class people. It's Old Wolf's desperation that is dragging in all kinds of questionable women now, and even they can't handle being around him. It's pretty sad.

Anyhow.

I have almost all of my packing done, I think I'll have the rest of it finished tonight. And I decided to make some calls on Friday and found a no-kill sanctuary willing to take mama cat and the kittens. They will be fostered until babies are old enough for adoption, and they got a vet visit that afternoon to make sure everyone is healthy, and space in the center will be reserved for mama. I advised the lady that mama cat was a prime example of "no bad pets, only bad owners." Because she had been played rough with, like a dog or something, with lots of wrasslin' and hands and biting and stuff. And so she has it in her mind she can claw and bite hands, and if she hits her "enough, stop touching my fur" point while being petted, she will attack. Well, I spent about a week and a half working with her, I'd sit and wait for her to come to me, and stay calm no matter what, and if she lifted a paw or turned her head to bite, I'd put my hands behind my back and ignore her. It got to the end of the week, and she was coming up on my lap, and letting me pet her, and giving better signals when she was done (flippy tail) instead of just going with claws and teeth right away. I told the lady, if you place her with someone who understands cats, she is still pretty young and I think she can be better socialized. She isn't vicious. She's just been taught bad things.

So the lady thanked me and told me that they would place her with a foster who doesn't have kids, and who understands her situation.

I'm very happy about this outcome.

And now the clock counts down until moving day on Friday!!
 
Crap news from the apartment complex. I guess they went to replace the carpet, and discovered hidden damage to the floor itself that they need to replace the flooring underneath. It's going to be maybe another week, but she couldn't give me a firm date. Sometime next week anyhow, before I can move.

The shit of it:
- Was looking forward to, preparing for, and packing for, Friday the 18th.
- Had the day off, had helpers schedule the day off.
- Already called the utility companies and set things up for the 18th.

The silver linings:
- I can reschedule my day off. Hopefully it doesn't inconvenience my helpers too badly...nothing I can do about that. :(
- Old Wolf is now working evenings, so I don't have to see him or deal with him at all, except MAYBE on the weekend. But I'll be out for much of that.
- It's going to save me hundreds of dollars, since my rent is prorated, let alone the savings in a week's worth of utility costs from starting new service a week later.
- More time to pack, buy new things I need for the apartment, and be ready.

I was really bummed at first, but the more I thought about it...the more ok I am with the change.
 
WARNING- This is a vent...rant...thing...

Now I'm gonna grumble and fuss about my ex, because dammit this is MY blog and I get to do that if I wanna. (It's insufferable, I know. You don't have to read it though.)

When I first started going backstage to hang out with GWAR, after he'd decided he didn't want to go with me anymore, and wished I would stop going too (not gonna happen, jackass!)...he was imagining backstage was something like a Motley Crue video. Orgies and hard drugs everywhere! And...as a woman...there was only one reason for me to be backstage, right? As a party favor. Surely. This is like one of those, "What my parents think I do, what society thinks I do, what my friends think I do, what I really do" memes on Facebook, you know? The reality is...the guys in that band aren't a bunch of hardcore party animals when on tour. In fact I bet most guys in bands aren't, unless they are in their 20's and new to touring. Tour life with a serious band is hard work, it's disgusting, exhausting, taxing, grueling. Let alone when your band suits up in 60+ lbs of foam latex every night (per musician) to perform. They just want to sit around, maybe nurse a beer or smoke a little weed, and chill and talk for a bit, then go crash on the bus. They've got months of hard work with few nights off going on. They appreciate it when you bring them food and don't demand anything of them, but for god's sakes stay out of the way when they're working.

The ex and I fought and fought for the first few years I would go to shows without him. He didn't want to go, because he'd have to suffer alone while I talked to other people, when a "real wife" would have been happy to sit in a corner with him, holding hands and staring at each other. But he hated me going without him. Again...I was supposed to stay at home with him. Well, eventually he got the message that I was going to go and he wasn't going to stop me, and he'd just have to trust me that I was not "accidentally" giving any men blowjobs backstage (he actually said something like that, which made me laugh trying to imagine how one "accidentally" does such a thing!)

Another factor is that I'm 100% sober, 100% of the time. I'm no recovered alcoholic, either. I just don't like alcohol and I won't drink it, and I have no need or desire for drugs. So I wasn't going to have any drunken mishaps.

Well fast forward to now. We broke up last spring, about a year ago now, and I went on to form other relationships. I had a few brief things that flailed out, then started dating Analyst, he brought in Fire and Hefe, and eventually I added Zen to complete and close my own circle. Done. Old Wolf on the other hand, just has not been able to find anyone but complete train wrecks who will give him the time of day, and getting laid? Nope, not so much. He is bitter, jealous, frustrated, and miserable. It's not because he is bad looking, it's because he radiates desperation, crazy, and toxicity. He doesn't know any other way to relationship besides using someone for casual sex with no care, or else forming a super-serious life-bond that implies "YOU CAN LEAVE WHEN THEY PRY YOU OUT OF MY COLD DEAD HANDS!" That's just...how he be. Honestly I'm surprised our ending did not go a lot worse. But I am trying to maintain a balance, somewhere between casual and committed, with my loves. I have feelings for them all, and I think that is reciprocated. But no one is trying to play house with me, and everyone respects each other's space and I've got some autonomy. That's what I need. He imagines, much as he was being stubbornly delusional about the concerts, that what I've got is a sicko nonstop orgy where no one respects me and I don't respect myself.

Because if I were a good, respectable woman capable of having a good, respectable relationship, I'd stop these shenanigans and settle with one man and be his property like a proper woman ought. I guess.

He's sat and ranted and lectured for HOURS at me about how when I go out to the First Fridays get together at the bar, I probably just lay myself up on the pool table and let every man there have a go. They probably form a line. He insults my anatomy, since after bearing HIS CHILDREN I'm apparently a bit like "throwing a hot dog down a hallway." Funny...none of the men I've got now seem to have any complaints, but maybe it's because I'm having more orgasms these days...

Was that too much? That was probably too much. Sorry, ya'll.

But see I'm supposed to trust this blustering jackalope to finish raising my son. And I'm having some issues with this. Now I know, my reasons are good...he wants to stay in his school, he is old enough for his voice to be heard and have some weight, and Old Wolf now works evenings anyhow, so he'll never be around. But that's another part of the problem, isn't it?

I mean, he goes on about how hard it's going to be for me to be a good parent to Q with my "vibrant social life" taking me out several evenings a week...which is completely voluntary, and I can easily invite someone over to watch movies and eat pizza, if I have my own place, I don't HAVE to go out, and wouldn't choose to if my kiddo needs me at home... But here he is, he's deliberately chosen a 1-10pm work schedule, and just isn't really going to see Ninja very much at all during the week!

So I've already suggested to Ninja to come stay with me over the summer, and heck, in my thinking he might just stay and do his senior year in another school, I don't know... But he's gonna be couch surfing in my living room because I've got a little apartment. We're all being driven out of the house...the FIVE BEDROOM HOUSE...and Old Wolf is just gonna stay there alone because "IT'S MY HOUSE -bluster-bluster-" and he is forever on about how he's leaving it in a trust as a legacy to future generations of his descendents to remember him by. It's no log cabin or fancy Victorian. He didn't build it. It's just a goodly sized typical suburban house in a typical suburb. But since he was able to get a mortgage and buy a house, he feels like he's the big man now. He's made it into this symbolic sort of monument to his own ego that will ensure his immortality.

He likes to ask me what I think I'll be leaving behind.

Memories. Photos. Art. Maybe a book. Yeah...I think that'll do it.

Another thing that grinds my gears, is that he says the way I'm doing my relationships is wrong, because I won't have anyone there to take care of me when I get old. THAT is why marriage and monogamy, and sticking to one person no matter what is how we're supposed to be. I'm just gonna end up in a nursing home, no one to take care of me, one day, because you just don't get that kind of investment out of polyamory.

He is 12 years older than me. I pointed out to him that I never had that with him...we always assumed that he would die long before me. He refused to even listen when I tried to tell him about my life insurance. I was always going to be alone in my old age, what the hell was he thinking of?? He just gave me a blank stare before going off on his next rant. The reality of course is that he is angry that HIS old age nursewife has left. He doesn't care about me and never did.

And everything I do is to "make him feel" this or that. I was a bad wife because I did not "make him feel" needed or wanted. When he came back from deployment and started getting shitfaced drunk every night, it was my fault, because I should have done all the research a good Army wife does, and made sure I knew how it could be for a soldier returning from war, and made sure the right resources were in place for him. But I didn't do that. I wasn't supportive enough. So what he became was my fault.

I guess...to wrap up this vent (sorry, guys)...I don't know what is malfunction is. Maybe he's a narcissist or something. But it's like he is just completely incapable of seeing anything from where anyone stands, but himself. No one else is an actual person in the way he is. We are all non-player-characters in his universe. It's not malicious, it's not done with any kind of deliberateness. It's just being utterly oblivious to the concept that others have thoughts and feelings, needs and motivations. Being with someone like that has been exhausting, dehumanizing, and costly in so many ways. I am angry that I cannot make him see. He's going to keep right on fucking everything up. I sunk 18 years...WASTED...18 years...trying to "raise" this man-child. And there was never anything I could have done.

I feel like really getting over him, is not about mending my broken heart, or even the healing I have to do to my own self esteem and all...it's going to be learning to somehow let go of that anger. Do I need to forgive him? Do I need to forgive myself?
 
I advised the lady that mama cat was a prime example of "no bad pets, only bad owners." Because she had been played rough with, like a dog or something, with lots of wrasslin' and hands and biting and stuff. And so she has it in her mind she can claw and bite hands, and if she hits her "enough, stop touching my fur" point while being petted, she will attack. Well, I spent about a week and a half working with her, I'd sit and wait for her to come to me, and stay calm no matter what, and if she lifted a paw or turned her head to bite, I'd put my hands behind my back and ignore her. It got to the end of the week, and she was coming up on my lap, and letting me pet her, and giving better signals when she was done (flippy tail) instead of just going with claws and teeth right away. I told the lady, if you place her with someone who understands cats, she is still pretty young and I think she can be better socialized. She isn't vicious. She's just been taught bad things.

This makes me so happy! It's heartwarming to hear about people who are patient and kind with animals and who help increase their odds of ending up in a loving home. Thank you for being a kitty advocate. >^.^<
 
This makes me so happy! It's heartwarming to hear about people who are patient and kind with animals and who help increase their odds of ending up in a loving home. Thank you for being a kitty advocate. >^.^<

I will be perfectly honest here...I love cats. Not so much dogs. Don't get me wrong...I like dogs if they are someone else's and if they've been socialized well. But I have zero desire to have one, train one, care for one, or deal with one. Cats are just...easier. People say they're aloof and independent, and that's not true at all. My cat sleeps with me, greets me at the door with head bumps, he's a total sweetheart. He loves his people.

I admit that dogs are probably smarter, when it comes to capacity to learn and sheer brainpower potential. A cat is a simpler creature, really. But you only get a dog's potential out of them if you program them correctly. Cats are pretty good at catting without a ton of work teaching them how.

They remind me of small, comical, incompetent villains, sometimes.
 
Wow spork!! nearly there. You are right in needing to let go of the anger.

Do you need to forgive him? No, I don't think there is anything to forgive, you've said you knew he was defunct and in need of "raising". Nothing to forgive there.

Do you need to forgive yourself for putting up with that for so long? unequivocably YES!! You have already moved on. You have built the love, Companionship and care you need and deserve. now it's time to let it go completely and move on.

I think your plan to get Ninja to you is a very good one too. There is no Way I'd trust a child of mine to someone like this. Matters not that old wolf is out mostly, he doesn't have the capacity to care for someone else in my limited understanding. And Ninja will need support for his final year...

Hang in there..nearly moving day!!
 
Thank you, BrianneGoddess!

I don't think that, despite being told that we're planning to do this, Old Wolf has really wrapped his head around the plan that Ninja will come and stay with me this summer. But then his take on me, my life, my choices, etc is pretty warped. He's not entirely connected with reality on any level, I often think.

I had a conversation with Ninja last night. He said that Dad thinks I will have "guests" (yes, he did the air quotes) over at my place all the time. Well, Ninja has met Hefe, Fire, and the Analyst. He sees how it is with us. Our physical affection is there but it takes a backseat to our friendship in a big way. The whole thing of us greeting with hugs and brief kisses, having little snuggle moments in public, but not acting all crazy PDA like...and going to do a puzzle room or hiking or exploring the fun stuff in the area. They've seen how it is. They know that yeah, I'll have people over to the apartment. For like, pizza and movies or something. The kids are aware that their Dad speaks from a place of jealousy and bitterness. Being kids of the internet age, Ninja likens his Dad to "forever alone guy." I think that he's a bit disgusted at how his father talks about me. Personally...I don't take the insults to heart, I'm just annoyed at how stupid it all is, and I wish my kids didn't have to hear any of this.

I see this summer as a trial period for Old Wolf. He'll have about 3 months, and in that time he can either get himself together and learn how to manage his life, without anyone holding his hand and making his choices for him, or if he's going to fail spectacularly and be unfit to parent Ninja in his final year of school, that should be apparent. He will have to keep his job and uphold his obligations. That alone will be very hard for him. He has extreme difficulty taking accountability for things. He pushes people away and then carries on about how "women always leave" and everything has been "taken away from him." The closest he can come to accepting responsibility is to simply say that he's broken and toxic and destroys everything he touches. That's just more wallowing, that isn't actually taking accountability. I'm tired of it, and I'll be glad when I don't have to deal with it anymore, at least not often. I know that so long as he lives I'll probably have to deal with him at least occasionally.
 
It's great that all of you get to see the summer as a trial period. Ninja sounds really well grounded too. I'm sure he will see and understand the realities and the necessities of things.

Keep packing and preparing... so very nearly there!
 
*sigh*

So... Just got a text from Old Wolf. He says that since this will be our last weekend "together" and then I'm moving and we won't see each other anymore, he wants to spend Saturday night together, maybe go out and do something. He just started working nights, and this week is the first week that we're really not having much contact at all with one another. Normally, I used to sit with him in the garage and talk a lot. (Edit: I mean, listen a lot, while HE talked, a lot.) Now, not so much. He calls me every day, but we only touch base briefly on things. I think the reality of actually being without me...not just having an empty bed, but having an empty, quiet house, is setting in with him a bit. He's experiencing a little more loss, I think maybe. Though I had other things I could have been doing with my Saturday night, I don't mind spending time with him...I just REALLY hope he doesn't try to come onto me or something. I simply don't have enough trust, after so many of the things he has said to me, to want intimacy with him, at all. If we can come out of this with a friendship, albeit a somewhat strained one, I'd be alright with exactly that, nothing more.

I also feel a bit of guilt though, because I didn't get to spend time with Analyst, Fire, and Hefe, last weekend due to one thing and another, and we won't get much time together this weekend, either, it looks like.

I wish I didn't feel like he was the neediest of my children. I wish I could find words to tell him no. I wish that I could just not care...but I don't know how. I don't know how to NOT respond to his requests for emotional maintenance. That is another thing I worry about...when I say he will be some part of my life so long as he lives. It makes me feel like a decent person to not completely give up and turn my back on him, but it also makes me feel that I'm leaving the door open to be used and possibly harmed in some way. I think I should find time to see a counselor...I don't feel like I've got the tools to sort this.
 
I want to share a little awesomesauce with anyone who reads this.

Both of my sons are in orchestra, both play viola. Years ago...about 5 or 6 years ago...I became aware of a song called Gauntlet by a man called Doug Spata. I heard my kid's middle school orchestra play it and man, MIND BLOWN. I have since become a pretty big fan of that song especially and that composer and much of his work in general.

A few months ago, that same son, who is now in 11th grade, played another Spata piece called Winstride with his Symphonic Orchestra group...and just last night, my younger son who is in middle school, played Gauntlet.

If you go to www.alfred-music.com and use the search bar on the upper left of the page, you can find songs or composers. You can find Gauntlet, Winstride, and Doug Spata tunes in general. If you like cool orchestral music, you ought to check it out. And even Mr. Spata himself says that the versions available at this site are pretty much the definitive versions of his songs, performed by pros.

You can click the little mp3 symbol and play the song for free, or if you want to own the file, you can buy the songs for .99 each there. So...good...

In fact, here, check this out:

http://www.alfred-music.com/advance...ch_in_description=1&keywords=gauntlet&x=0&y=0

Just clickie where it says "mp3" for the free listening. This stuff brings happiness to my soul, so I wanted to share.

Personally, I have no musical talent whatsoever, so seeing my sons learn to read and play music is like watching my offspring dazzle me with sorcery. All amazing and things...
 
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Regarding pain

I was considering, after contributing to the thread about polyamory and spirituality, my newfound relationship with pain.

I am not the "heaviest" bottom/masochist out there. I've seen people take harder play than I presently do. It may be something that develops over time, but it's not a competition. I go to the place I want to go, and maybe a nudge or two beyond that, and no further, in terms of intensity of pain and activity goes.

But from my conversations and my reading, I get the sense that what I'm doing is not perhaps well understood. I feel like addressing a few things...

- I am not sexually aroused by pain. I don't "get off" on pain. In fact, in order to get the greatest benefit from either kind of stimulation, they should not mix at the same exact time.
- I don't have a higher threshold or tolerance for pain, I don't -not- feel it, nor do I feel something different from most people.

Pain hurts.

What I am doing, is a conscious awareness of the fact that even though there is pain, I am not being damaged. I am safe. And so instead of recoiling, crying, or making it stop (like most people, and like my primitive impulses want me to) I am mastering myself. I am being still and present through the experience of it, as best I can. I know that in doing this, I can get to a point that is beyond what most would voluntarily tolerate, to a place where my brain gives me the chemical "high" of subspace.

Now, I know a lady who says she is "not wired for subspace" and I know lots of normals who have experienced pain and not subspace. And I have also had some extremely painful experiences that did NOT bring subspace.

Why?

I think because I was fighting it. I was not keeping my urge to struggle against it reined in. I was not seeking the still place, the place where yes...it hurts...but I'm ok...and riding it out. I had just a dash of panic there, which ruined the potential for subspace.

I think that in order to reach subspace, you have to LET it happen. Maybe it is the mental restraint, not crying or writhing or running off the cross or calling "red"...during those initial strikes when your body is screaming at your mind that PAIN IS BAD AND THE BAD SHOULD STOP...maybe it's that control that helps attain subspace. And if it's that self discipline, that self control, leading to a place where the mind goes still, thoughts cease to intrude, you are one with everything around you and the pain isn't pain anymore, when you open your eyes and there is a hazy golden quality to everything you see...is this not akin to so many experiences people undergo seeking enlightenment?

I think it is.

Outwardly my body is shaking like a leaf, but inside my skull, I am at perfect peace.

So when I take a particularly hard strike, and use my control, it is like this...the initial hit is like an explosion. It hurts badly. I have asked Zen to mix it up, not hit very hard on the "same damn spot" again and again, and to also vary hard hits with lighter ones. So I am able to process a hard strike with paddle, cane, crop, flogger, hand...whatever...before the next one comes. After the explosion, there is a fizzle-down. It reminds me, if a wave of effervescent bubbly soda were bubbling away from the site of the impact. Then there is a wave of heat that washes through my entire body. I feel feverish. Some kinds of impact feel more like a thumpy massage (I LOVE flogging, with a nice heavy suede flogger, for this) and with a long, rythmic session I definitely get to a point where the pain isn't painful anymore. Eventually, especially if there is music and it's good music for this (Rob Zombie and Nine Inch Nails are favorites in the club and work rather well, as does Rammstein)...the sense of oneness, where everything comes together into a singular experience, comes to me.

When I come up off a bench or a cross, it's hard to walk, my speech is slurred, I have a hazy smile and my pupils are hugely dilated. I've looked in a mirror. It truly is a HIGH. Sometimes I have bruises. I love them. They are like badges of badassery to me. I mastered myself, my primitive urge to make this stop, and I went beyond it. To me, that is strength.

Notice. I mention nothing at all, about sexual excitement or pleasure here. Granted, Zen is just as good at doing that to extremes as he is taking me to subspace. But it's not a part of the same experience, really.
 
It sounds like you like to push yourself, to master yourself. Previously you were Wolf's caretaker. You tried to master that (probably narcissistic and therefore lost) monster. You tried really hard for over a decade to "help" him become more healthy, more human.

It didn't work. He is a lost cause. Narcissists are born sociopaths and they never admit to being sick. Except for a brief wallow in self pity. Then, it's back to business as usual. Using other people as tools, as narcissistic supply.

I am so glad you are (nearly) done with that. Frankly I was shocked to read you agreed to spend last night with him, after the horrific way you have described him here. Your continuing pull to mother someone who is so unable to see you as human and valuable... maybe some counseling is in order.

I had to google image GWAR. Those monstrous costumes! (A continuing monster theme makes me think of Ariadne and the Minotaur.) They make Kiss look like Simon and Garfunkel lol

I am in favor of your continuing your exploration of subspace (which you described so well) with new lovers you trust, rather than being submissive to Wolf's need to talk without listening and rant and rave and dis you verbally. Yes, he will be in your life forever. You are co-parents. I am divorced and my children with my ex are adults, but we are bound by having conceived and raised them together. And now we are co-grandparents as well.

But your efforts to tame and humanize Wolf are, to me, pointless. You don't owe him a damn thing.
 
It is my understanding that one of the key differences between a narcissist and a sociopath is that the sociopath tends to be more conscious of their plots in how they behave and use others. They calculate things out more. A narcissist is just sort of mentally sick, broken, in such a manner that they lack empathy and cannot seem to generate their own energy...they have to latch onto another person and take what they need. They can be incredibly cruel and manipulative, but they aren't really doing it maliciously, or even consciously most of the time. They have actually no idea how it feels to be in anyone else's shoes but their own. They don't think out how to say what they need to, to get a particular response, they just sort of shoot from the hip.

I've always felt like Old Wolf had no real idea of what he was doing, to me or anyone. For instance, he acts like he expects the worst from people...has no faith in others even when they deserve it. One day his mother was supposed to come watch our kids so we could go out. She was five minutes late. He threw an absolute fit, called her a bunch of times, and stormed around the house saying that she just wasn't coming, she'd blown us off. His mother adores him, and he adores her, and she has been there for us and never let us down. She did not deserve such a complete lack of faith, and if she'd known about his hysterics, it would have been hurtful to her. When she showed up, he grumbled at her that he figured she'd forgotten and just wasn't coming. She was extremely apologetic. Five minutes.

He doesn't hatch plots and schemes so much as he just acts harmfully nutty to people, and when one points out the behavior and tries to explain it, he pushes back with "me, me, me, I can't pay attention to you when me me ME!" He's blind to anything past his own thoughts and feelings. But you know it doesn't hurt anyone else as much as it hurts him. And THAT is what's kept me trying, kept me mothering this man. I don't feel the way about him that one feels about a boyfriend, I feel that he is family...just like how my Dad or Mom or brother or child is family...and while I can get the distance and safety I need by moving out, which I am doing, I don't think he can ever NOT be family to me. And so I've been torn between feeling responsible for a mentally ill family member...and knowing how futile my efforts have been thus far, seeing the ways in which I've enabled him, and knowing it has to end. It's a hard place to be. No matter how hurt or angry I feel, I can't just not care.

Anyhow. We had a pretty decent time on Saturday, more or less. I think we both enjoyed shooting pool. The parts where we sat and talked were kind of draining. It's been a kind of process where I would continuously tell him an important thing he has to learn...and at first he couldn't even hear it, then he defended himself from it, eventually he stops doing that and begins to parrot it back to me as though it was his own idea, and finally, eventually, maybe he sort of starts to accept the concept of what I was trying to say. The latest one was about accountability. How strongly I believe in finding empowerment through accepting responsibility for your mistakes...not to place fault, blame, punishment (like he does) but to realize you had the power to choose, you chose, the outcome sucked, and you have to be mindful of opportunities to choose differently today, tomorrow, and every day. In his world you don't choose things, things happen TO you. So this one has been a challenge. He's at the parroting stage.

This morning I feel strange. Anyone else know a particular feeling when you get up early to go on vacation? When it's quiet and the air feels amazing and the sun is coming up, and the day is just full of potential? Today feels like that to me... But it's caught me in a tricky spot, between sadness and happiness. I feel like I'm teetering between past and present. On the one hand I feel such nostaligia, for all the times I had a whole, easy, safe, home and family, that I took for granted and didn't have to worry about, and I could go traveling and enjoy that sense of freedom and adventure with my family or without them, and home was there to return to. And I feel, if I lean that way, unbelievable sadness, like I have lost something huge. But on the other hand...if I do not think about anything, but just let the sun shine on my face and breathe the air, I feel like new horizons are opening up and I could do anything. The message I am reading in this is that only sadness is in the past and joy is in the future...not to worry about things, don't even think, just breathe and step forward...
 
I get that you are a warm caring person. That is just the sort of person a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist takes advantage of for their "narcissistic supply." This website, which is aimed at healing for those who have been take advantage of by psychopaths, conflates all 3 categories. There does not have to be planning and plotting by the narcissist to qualify him (or her) as one. They do mostly share the qualities and behaviors in this list:

https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?212-30-Red-Flags

I wish you the ability to tamp down your compassion for this mentally ill user. Sure, a normal person feels compassion for the mentally ill, especially for a family member, but I guess you're seeing your 10 years of "helping" did NOT help him, and in fact, merely enabled him to continue in his same old ways, continuing to hurt you and your children. He is now finding his level with meth heads, etc. So much for trying to help him.

A sunnier future is ahead of you! My gut feeling is, the more you distance yourself from this creature of darkness, the sunnier your atmosphere will be. And I am happy for you!
 
Some of the items on that list apply to him and some do not. A few even sound more like my own behavior! That is an interesting thing, though. I know that I am a different person as I adapt to different situations and people in my life. I know that I have adapted many behaviors to cope and live with my ex husband's dysfunctions. It shaped me, but not irreparably. I have been aware for many years that I am not being my truest Self around him and that I didn't really like the person I felt I had to be. I am proud of that person sometimes, because there's been hardship and I've coped with it, because I have been pretty strong and accomplished a lot of things, and I didn't completely lose Me in the in process. But I always felt chained. I could be strong enough to keep the chains from digging into me and killing me, but not strong enough to break them and get free.

Well, I am struggling free now. One big effort, one limb, one wing at a time.

I'm afraid it was longer than 10 years, though. It was 18. It would have been 19 in July of this year. My entire adult life, and it often felt like a prison sentence. But hey, here we are...THREE MORE DAYS!! I'm getting excited, thinking about things I'm going to do, lots of creative projects I want to undertake.

I want to hand-sew a cover for the sofa that Analyst is giving me, I want to paint some of the furniture I have that I am taking. I have good, well made wooden furniture, but it doesn't match and some of it is old pieces from Goodwill we picked up over the years...more functional than pretty. I want to paint everything a base gloss black and then I can decide if I want to go classy or rock 'n roll with it. It's either magnolias or GWAR logos, I am not sure...but that's just the kind of dilemma I live with. Pretty flowers or blood and disembodied eyeballs? Maybe both?? lol Anyhow I am very keen to make whatever space I inhabit my own and I'm getting enthusiastic about stuff now.

Oh, and FANTASTIC NEWS! I remembered that I have had the on-and-off notion of getting Q back into martial arts. I had both the boys in that years ago, and it was VERY mentally healthy for them. But I couldn't afford it (not positive if I can now or not) and we didn't have a good dojo nearby, with both parents working and not being able to coordinate schedules and transportation and money it just never lined back up for us. Well, I just discovered that there is a highly rated family martial arts dojo a walk of mere minutes from our new place, right around the corner really. So I'm going to look into getting Q in that. He really, really needs to rebuild his confidence and inner strength, and I believe that this will help a lot. I'm also going to see about getting him involved in the local Youth Symphony, he's already practicing the pieces to try out for that. Exciting stuff!!

I get that you are a warm caring person. That is just the sort of person a psychopath/sociopath/narcissist takes advantage of for their "narcissistic supply." This website, which is aimed at healing for those who have been take advantage of by psychopaths, conflates all 3 categories. There does not have to be planning and plotting by the narcissist to qualify him (or her) as one. They do mostly share the qualities and behaviors in this list:

https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php?212-30-Red-Flags

I wish you the ability to tamp down your compassion for this mentally ill user. Sure, a normal person feels compassion for the mentally ill, especially for a family member, but I guess you're seeing your 10 years of "helping" did NOT help him, and in fact, merely enabled him to continue in his same old ways, continuing to hurt you and your children. He is now finding his level with meth heads, etc. So much for trying to help him.

A sunnier future is ahead of you! My gut feeling is, the more you distance yourself from this creature of darkness, the sunnier your atmosphere will be. And I am happy for you!
 
Hi Spork

Thank you so much for your post regarding pain. It really helps me, someone with nigh on a phobia of pain, understand a LOT more about what you do and experience.

Arohanui
Evie
 
Hi Spork

Thank you so much for your post regarding pain. It really helps me, someone with nigh on a phobia of pain, understand a LOT more about what you do and experience.

Arohanui
Evie

You are welcome, and thank YOU for sharing that you found it interesting/helpful.

Honestly, I love how complex human beings are in our great variety. You know, there are tons of people here in my area who love to ski and snowboard. I see that as a good way to break your neck, and I'm frightened to try, to the point where I'm just not interested in it.

(Though if we're being honest here, the last thing I need is another expensive hobby...)

Interestingly, the only other experiences I have had in the past that were anything like this, were my tattoo sessions. I have a few rather large tattoos that took hours to accomplish, and two of them are up both sides of my ribs, which is a pretty sensitive area. Of course one must sit still for tattoos, and I did, for hours. I was able to zone out mentally and control how my brain was perceiving the pain of it.

Anyhoo. Looks like I get to confront my fear of heights, Fire and Hefe and Analyst and I are going to go ziplining in a couple of weeks, up in the canyons. I tend to freeze up quite involuntarily when I'm up high...this should be interesting. We'll see if I can mind over matter myself off a cliff or not!
 
Stupid weather.

Yesterday in Colorado Springs, it was hot out and I was in just a t-shirt...today we have a blizzard. Typical schizophrenic spring weather. We have 30-50 mph wind, heavy snow, no visibility, and (my least favorite) ice forming up all over everything.

But I have taken enough time off already this year, and more planned for when I move on Friday, that I didn't want to use any time off and I came in today. I guess the big boss man is now debating whether he should close the office early. The military bases are of course all closed, and the schools would be too, but it's Spring Break here. Whether it's soon or later, I am NOT looking forward to my drive home.

At least I drive a minivan, it's front wheel drive and has a big heavy engine over the drive wheels and I've got new tires on it. As long as I go slow and careful, and avoid the worst of the hills, she doesn't handle too badly in winter conditions.

*sigh* We are supposed to get another snowstorm starting Friday. I hope, if I get very lucky, it won't start until Friday night and I can still get a lot of moving done during the day...I can only hope... Stupid stupid weather. Ugh.
 
Crazy weather! Here in Mass, it was 70 Christmas Eve, and we got 6" of snow on the first day of spring. lol. It's all melted now, grass is greening up, and daffodils are blooming, weeks earlier than usual.

I hope you get to move on Friday! Fingers crossed.
 
Crazy weather! Here in Mass, it was 70 Christmas Eve, and we got 6" of snow on the first day of spring. lol. It's all melted now, grass is greening up, and daffodils are blooming, weeks earlier than usual.

I hope you get to move on Friday! Fingers crossed.

I hate snow. People ask me why I live in Colorado then...well actually winters here aren't that bad. I lived in Iowa for 8 years. It was constant snow and ice and more snow and more ice and frigid, frigid cold all season long. Here at least in between weather events it warms up and melts everything off completely. It's not strange at all for us to have a week of temps in the 50's in the middle of winter, with sunshine, and then suddenly a blizzard, and then the next day, it's warm and melty again. We get breaks from it, lots of them. Iowa didn't so much. It was just too cold.

Up here on the north side of town where I work, we are supposed to get 6-10" of snow today. Down on the south side where Old Wolf's house is at and I presently (for the moment) live...1-3". I'm moving closer to this part of town, to make my commute easier. So I will probably have to deal with more snow at home, but at least home will be closer to work...and to Zen. :)
 
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