Your source of insecurity/jealousy

Tonberry

New member
There was a thread about "how do you deal with insecurity?".
I thought I would create a thread about the "opposite": what causes the insecurity for you?

What's the basis behind your rules? What's making you feel safe, and why? I'm interested in knowing what is a big deal for other people.

As for me, what's bad is being left out. I would be comfortable with a big number of things if I can feel part of it. What hurts me is being lied to, having things hidden from me, and rarely if ever the things that were hidden from me themselves.

For instance, when Ian liked J, I took part in the courting, and I was very happy about it all. Had he insisted on leaving me out of it, I would have felt terrible about it.
I want to be kept informed of what happens and get an input. Just being told things makes me feel respected even if I have no influence on them. But it's even better if I'm asked for my opinion and feelings, then I feel truly important to my partners.

Insecurity would be caused by the fact I don't know what is going on. I think it all has to do with control, I like being in control, being prepared, and if I don't know what is going on at all, I just freak out.

What about you? What's most important to you?
 
Someone who treats Breathes right...doesn't cause him any grief & whom I can actually get along with.

The insecurities, disappointment and anger start when I feel either one of us is being lied to or the person is being rude.


For some reason rudeness is a huge, HUGE trigger for me. It doesn't matter what other qualities a person has, if they are rude they set me off which causes no end of trouble.
 
I think I'm on board with Tonberry. I don't like to feel left out or neglected. I like to be invited to get togethers, I like to be asked out on dates or told that I am important to my lovers.

Communication is also extremely important. When I don't text or talk to my partner's girlfriend for a while, I can start getting insecure, imagining that she's mad at me or is excluding me. My boyfriend at times has trouble telling me things he thinks I don't want to hear based on issues we had when we first opened our relationship, so sometimes he'll withhold information about a date or something he'd like to do with someone else out of fear of hurting me, which understandably hurts me way more than hearing it right up front

So yeah, being left out, feeling communication blocks or having information withheld from me or delayed in the telling can cause major insecurity issues with me.
 
Fayerweather hit the nail on the head for me. All I can say is "ditto".

But, ImaginaryIllusion's version was funny too - though for me it was grades 9-12 that were pretty yucky.
 
Not knowing the other person.

If I can love or appreciate the things my partner loves, then life goes much more smoothly!
 
I don't usually feel insecurity about the people I love. But when I have they can be broken down into categories

uncontrolled aspects of poly
uncontrolled aspects of a relationship structure

In my cases, insecurity comes about because of things I don't really have a say in.

Example 1 - we were with a girl and I knew it couldn't last. My insecurity was rampant because at any point she could just cut us off.
Example 2 - I feel insecurities about my emotions. I am scared to give parts of me over to people. I am worried they will see the real me and potentially run. I can't even connect dots on this one because I have never had this happen, it is something maybe I was born with. There are many things I am very very open with, but there are bits of me that only a few people know.
Example 3 - I feel insecurity based on my partners relationships and not having any control. Not that I want control but when I see something as bad, or know it will end badly. I don't have a say per se, but I can lay the information I see on the table. Thats a good thing but not actually having a say is painful sometimes. Veto power is what this relates to for me, and it can be used irresponsibly and in a hurtful manner which is why we don't have that rule on the table (amongst many others)

Insecurity also rears its ugly head in reverse. In order to protect myself my communication hits the shitter and I don't give enough information to my partner to make a decision together. Thereby controlling the situation by ignorance. This is something I am currently working on. Probably relates to number 2.

In all cases, I don't have a lot of rules (I can't think of any I have right now actually, besides safe sex, which shouldn't even really be considered a rule). I try my hardest to be open and communicate the good and the bad. Hopefully that helps keep everyone respectful and thoughtful.
 
My insecurity is in not trusting the intentions of other people but I am getting better at it I think.
 
Grades 1 through 12.

Gym class:

"Form two teams. Hurry up. We're about to play some game with some ball that you've heard of on TV and we'll assume everybody already knows the rules, strategies, and who the league MVP's are. What? You've never played this before and you don't watch it on TV? Your parents should be ashamed that they aren't teaching you the skills you will need in order to become a functional and productive member of society."

Thank gaud it's over.
 
the ties that bind...

For me, its the worry of being left out or being disliked. I have a bad habit of assuming the worst but I am trying to work on it. I also get worried that someone will be able to please Andulvar better than I can, due to certain physical limitations on my part.
 
My insecurities come from things that I was told about myself, either directly or indirectly growing up. I'm the least educated member of my family so I don't feel smart enough. My dad has told me all my life that I'm fat so I'm not thin/pretty enough. I've been used by people to get back at friends and then dropped at a moments notice when that friendship resumes which has led me to not open up as quickly as I would like to people so I appear cold and uninterested. I see other people around me who are able to hold it all together and who can apparently do everything and then I feel like I fall short because I can't. I've only been left for someone else once but it was for your typical bubbly little blond thing, so I have instant insecurities around my husband showing any interest in bubbly little blond things because the first thought always is that this will be the one I get left for because I'm not a little bubbly blond thing. So therein lies the source of my insecurities.
 
my experience with poly thus far has brought all my old insecurities and some new ones, but I guess you have to deal with them sometime. Sometimes, I feel like if some one is not at that moment showing me affection and giving me attention then I think they have stopped caring or are angry at me. So being left out is definitely one that makes me feel insecure. Also, I tend to have a lot of ups and downs so I feel insecure sometimes that no one will want to have to deal with my sadness or things like that. I have so many insecurities that I'm insecure about them! ;) But I am glad that I'm able to see them and then try to really get to the root of them so I can someday unlearn them.
 
Knowing that I'm not being included in discussions about time or activity commitments of any type, e.g., work, play, etc. If I want time with our partner, I ask him...then he asks her what other commitments they may or may not have. I would expect that he would talk with her about it because they do share a life. But, the same courtesy isn't extended to me when they make individual and couple commitments for themselves. They have their life...their plans. And, I'm welcome to join in or fit in around them. And....supposedly I'm not in a "secondary" role, but it feels that way BIG TIME to me. (And yes....I've had several discussion about this with our partner.) So I guess it's my insecurity that what I think..or feel.. or want..doesn't matter, or certainly doesn't have equal consideration, much less any priority. (And boy does that "script" go waaaaaay back for me! :( ) That's one reason I'm so up and down about whether or not poly is good for me.
 
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I honestly don't have a lot of insecurities that pertain to relationships. I get self-conscious sometimes, but not really insecure.

I don't have rules that pertain to insecurities. My take on insecurity is it's my problem, not my lovers problem.

I don't create rules around things that are MY problem.

Most of our "rules" were based around Maca's insecurities and they don't pertain to me.

One thing that pisses me off, is lying. It pisses me off because it seems to me that if the other person is lying to me, then they must think I'm stupid enough to believe the lie.

I don't have a "rule" about that. How do you uphold a RULE to not lie? Either they DO or don't. You can't enforce it really. :(
 
good question!

I get insecure when I need to cope and can't seem to muster that up. I try to accept as a way to cope, but sometimes have to revert to blocking stuff out.

I have insecurities about people not telling me what is going on... especially if I have invested in them.

I get insecure about things I can't control. With Ari on that one. I am pretty dominant and if I am not in control of myself and the situation I am in I shut down, leave, or become mute. :eek:

I love rules, boundaries, protocol, procedure, and if there isn't any then I seek it out as I feel insecure. Luckily this is a pretty minor one.
 
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I'm insecure about quite a few things, but all my lovelies seem to think I keep it under wraps well... My biggest thing is not being there for anything. I hate hearing stories of the day second-hand, even though I know I can't be there every second of every day.
 
In the past, the insecurities flare when I feel that there is a cowboy out there who is determined to end the relationship I have with someone.

How I deal with it? By increasing my trust and confidence in my relationship to the point of knowing that no cowboy is going to be able to cause that to happen. I tired that in my previous relationship, but she tended to be someone who lived her life on a whim, in spite of saying that she wanted stability - this didn't help me much - and the end result reinforced exactly what I feared - someone else came along who wanted to be monogamous with her and she followed the shiny and "jumped ship". It didn't last terribly long, and I hope she feels that it was worth it. (Me? Bitter much?)

My current two are very consistent - their actions reflect their words and their words don't change from day to day. They have had their fair share of approaches by cowboys but haven't been interested, and this has just served to help lay my insecurities to rest quite a bit. I am very open about these insecurities with them, and give them feedback on how I am feeling. They, in turn, both do their best to help me through when the demons come howling.
 
Hmm I seem to have similar insecurities as those already posted - some how that is comforting...

More specifically I feel insecure when I feel left out. I love my fiance and my girlfriend (our relationship is very new, but so far is amazing). My fiance and GF started going out first, and they both live in the same city (I am 3 hours away, but am in town every weekend). I worry that their relationship is moving faster then mine can with our new gf just based on distance.
-Lies of any sort, even omissions meant to keep me from feeling hurt end up hurting so much more.
-I worry that because of school (only 5 months left though) but also my job (nurse to be) that I will not be able to "be there" for my loved ones when they need me. We talk all the time, but it is never the same as a face to face conversation, and being able to touch!
-I used to have a constant fear of being replaced, but that has dissipated recently. Not to sure why, maybe it is finding the right third. But more likely that I am feeling the pay offs of a poly relationship for the first time- and so now I know that I am not being replaced, but that another persons love enhances our relationship instead.
 
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