Out of the ashes

Polysnow

Member
Decided I wanted a blog thread instead of continuously posting in the first thread I started.

A Big Mess... Is the introductory thread. Details suck. Feel free to ask for clarification.

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First off, I'm 28 years old and a female. Started my poly relationship (though you could argue I'm a mono) with my partner in non-ideal circumstances. Still not sure how things will pan out, but hey, maybe my story can help someone out there some where, because quite frankly, in the present moment, I've never felt more alone. But hey, we shall see...

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I finally shipped out today and arrived in a whole new state. L brought me to pick up my rental car and we held each other for a good half hour.

It was a rough week. His health condition brought all new cards to the table. I'm not even sure we know what all those cards are just yet. L's wife seems to be more open, but I'm not sure.

At the present moment, I'm glad for the separation. I'm gone for 20 days. I told L I would come back the second weekend for our days togethers, but now I'm not sure I can do that.

Ironically, with all the circumstances, this will be the longest time he and I have not had physical contact. I don't mean just sex, I mean hugging, or just seeing each other in general. I'm in the "holy shit" I'm in a new environment phase right now, so every emotion I'm feeling at the moment is magnified by a factor of 100.

As scared as I am of various things, this was what needed to happen. I needed to step away from everything going on in my home state. There is literally too much going on to the point where I felt I couldn't escape. Family issues, parental issues, and career issues that just crowd in and drown out any sense of peace. At least in my current location, not a damn soul knows who I am and what my history is. I'm invisible, anonymous, and people only know me as the trainer who really knows what the hell she is doing with the computer systems.

I saw the new facility tonight. My heart was racing, jumping for joy. It is AMAZING. I cannot wait to get even closer tomorrow.

I hope my NRE just dissipates or at least clears up to the point where I don't feel like I'm drowning in my emotions. I am so grateful no one close to me can be close to me at the moment. I feel like I'm detoxing.

I wrote out some lessons poly has taught me over the past year and it was over 6,000 words long. I should probably post some of them, but right now they have too many personal details in them that I don't feel comfortable posting online.

Despite everything that has happened, the growth has been phenomenal. This HAD to happen in my life. I realized I've spent the past 10 years plowing through life and let -a lot- of toxic situations fester. This whole deal has forced me to confront them. I'll always be eternally grateful for that. The pain has been...awful. But I'm going to be so much wiser for the future and for my son.
 
Today was a good, crazy day. I got to learn a whole new system at work and I was quick to pick it up. I met at least 50 new people today (no, not an exaggeration). I'm tired, I'm burnt out, but I'm also filled with a new energy. I love new environments and I love meeting new people, so I'm in my element.

Called L out on breaking his tiny promises. I need a good night and good morning email. It could literally just be those two words, but they reassure me. And ever since the health scare, they mean a lot to me. It's an anxiety thing and something I'm actually trying to move away from. But since the scare...yeah I'm sensitive. He's been a bit lax.

Normally when he misses, I don't say anything, but today, I finally calmly told him it -really- bothers me when he can't keep those small gestures. He promised me an email updating me about his appointment with the doc for follow up. 12 hours later, after he promised, I still hadn't gotten one and had to go to work worrying. Again, I know this is a flaw, but really, is it so hard to send an email/text that says "Hey, all is well, will follow up later" or "Busy today, can't follow up now, but I'm ok for now, enjoy work"? So I ruminated. Finally snapped myself out of it and realized I can't keep this to myself. It's a small need that I think is reasonable. So I calmly told him via another email that that stuff really effects me, please knock it off with the misses.

He apologized. I feel better. He even sent me a good morning email early. I thanked him. I made my day.

Funny how the littlest gestures make the biggest difference?

Anyway, another day gone by. This night shifter is going to sleep.
 
Think I discovered a new passion at work. Automation. I love working with bots. And I love the people up here. Wonder if I should come home at all some times. Yes, in this short period of time. But I'm going to roll with it. I'm ready to go with any positive at this time. I got another 3 weeks to really know it, so I'm ready to run.

Too tired to really talk about anything new.
 
The more I read on here, the more I realize I AM telling myself stories and I'm also concentrating too much on the negative. Is it a really bad thing that the relationship between L and I might not blossom into what I fantasize about or even come to an end? I don't want it to end, obviously. I do love him very much. But if I concentrate so much on what can go wrong, is it a wonder I struggle so much?

That seems to be a trend in my over all life though. I'm so busy "keeping my guard up" all the time, I don't enjoy the things around me nearly as much as I could.

I spend too much time analyzing why I over analyze :p

Such is life.
 
Ditto

The more I read on here, the more I realize I AM telling myself stories and I'm also concentrating too much on the negative. Is it a really bad thing that the relationship between L and I might not blossom into what I fantasize about or even come to an end? I don't want it to end, obviously. I do love him very much. But if I concentrate so much on what can go wrong, is it a wonder I struggle so much?

That seems to be a trend in my over all life though. I'm so busy "keeping my guard up" all the time, I don't enjoy the things around me nearly as much as I could.

I spend too much time analyzing why I over analyze :p

Such is life.

I could have written this myself! I definitely can relate. I tend to spend way too much time overthinking and over analyzing everything.....

::raises a glass:: here's to winding down for a bit....
 
One thing I've been really working on is my clinginess.

I've become very clingy over the years. I didn't even realize it. And realizing I AM clingy is painful.

I see that as weak. I'm afraid of being seen as weak.

But that is faulty thinking. We all have weaknesses and this happens to be mine. And I can change it. One of the goals during my "deployment" is simple self observance. What am I thinking, feeling, what are my preferences? Being mindful at work has already taught me a ton of things that I've never noticed.

I love serving people. I love meeting people. I love speaking in front of large groups. I LOVE technology. I love training. I love learning new things. And I like to dig. I don't like just knowing the basics, I love to know the nitty gritty. I also realize I'm not necessarily a team player. I like being in charge of my own work and going at my own pace. I hate being "held back."

I also catch myself seeking validation and acceptance a lot.

I've been writing/noting these things. I really don't think I "know" myself as much as I would like to think. I am happy to say though, the more I get to know myself, the more I appreciate myself. I'm starting to make tiny adjustments in some of things I do so I can further accommodate myself. It's making a big difference.

I'm also making myself take better care of myself. I let myself sleep a little more, drink more water, eat more fruit...etc. Small things, and I'm telling you the difference its made in 1 week is remarkable.

I read somewhere on the forum (or was it an article?) that you shouldn't invest more time in the relationship then the other party. That's a bit cut and dry for a statement, but it's said in context.

L isn't like me. He doesn't need constant contact by email or messages, and he's a man a few words unless it comes to certain subjects. I, on the other hand, love constant attention. It's part of being clingy (and I'm working on that), but it's also part of my personality. I love shooting the shit with people. And I also like to listen to people talk about themselves and yes, I like to talk about myself. lol.

Anyway, I've cut back on sending long winded emails or stressing out if I don't send him an email every day or what not. I also have stopped the expectation that he's going to reciprocate with the same level of attention. It actually ISN'T necessary for me. It's just an illusion in my mind.

I've spread this out to other part's of my life. It's slowly getting easier to be alone. I've spent the whole day alone today and I actually really enjoyed it. I walked 4 miles, swam, and spent time in the hotel's hot tub (oh fuck yeah!) and I'm about to settle down to read. I'm currently reading Guardians of Ga'hoole - book 2. I'm going to re-read the Eragon series and then after that, I have no idea. I've read the hell out of my Kindle library.

I'm really trying to let go of my fear of L leaving me. It's actually starting to work. The idea of our relationship ending scares me a little less every day. I'm already at the point where I could move on without crumbling (as in slip into a deep depression) if he were end things now. But I want to be beyond even that. I want to be a healthy, secure person. This is the one of the things I'm measuring my progress by. I'm dwelling less and less on the what if's every day.

I find that giving myself time to ruminate though also helps. If I fight myself, I might ruminate all day.

While in the pool, I caught myself stressing, so I let the thoughts flow. I think a little less than 20 minutes later, I was thinking a lot about the fried chicken place across the street and how much I wanted fried chicken lol.

So, progress.

I'm very happy at my job site. It's tempting not to leave at all.
 
His health issue is "flaring" and of course, I feel the familiar "OH MY GOD LET ME BE NEAR YOU" response.

Fact of the matter is, even if we were in the greatest of relationships, I'm 4-5 hours away and limited funds.

Working on keeping my heart rate down and not focusing on the negative. I'm terrified he's going to end up in the hospital again. GRRR! The home front has not been my friend lately.

Why can't things be simple?! But they are right? Nothing I can do but pray.

I'm so sick of anxiety. Seriously. So SICK of it. But I'll feel better once I settle down a bit. Like I said, all this maturing takes time. I'll learn to work through all of this.
 
I read somewhere on the forum (or was it an article?) that you shouldn't invest more time in the relationship then the other party. That's a bit cut and dry for a statement, but it's said in context.

L isn't like me. He doesn't need constant contact by email or messages, and he's a man a few words unless it comes to certain subjects. I, on the other hand, love constant attention. It's part of being clingy (and I'm working on that), but it's also part of my personality. I love shooting the shit with people. And I also like to listen to people talk about themselves and yes, I like to talk about myself. lol.

Anyway, I've cut back on sending long winded emails or stressing out if I don't send him an email every day or what not. I also have stopped the expectation that he's going to reciprocate with the same level of attention. It actually ISN'T necessary for me. It's just an illusion in my mind.

I so very much have this problem too, as I've alluded to in various threads on here. For me the desire for attention / communication is an attempt to stay connected; not seeing my partners every day I haven't figured out how else to maintain intimacy. I don't know whether that's me being clingy or not, I've had people tell me it is but....
 
I so very much have this problem too, as I've alluded to in various threads on here. For me the desire for attention / communication is an attempt to stay connected; not seeing my partners every day I haven't figured out how else to maintain intimacy. I don't know whether that's me being clingy or not, I've had people tell me it is but....

BUT it's a part of how you are, like breathing. I think I know what you mean.

I don't think that's a part of me I can eliminate, only learn to cope and control.
 
I slept a lot today. At least 12 hours. Around 2 am, I walked 2.6 miles. Going to finish the night with another 2.5 miles and make it a nice 5. Trying to increase my exercise to help with my anxiety and lose my weight.

Eating all the junk I've been doesn't help. But will work on that later. One thing at a time.

Very conflicted about things. I miss my ex-husband tonight. I miss his warmth and his hugs. But it's best that we are apart. We are better people when we aren't with each other. Still, I go over what went wrong. The whole thing is just sad all the way around.

I get to hear L's voice tomorrow morning. I am REALLY looking forward to that.

He just texted me. My heart just fluttered. God, NRE or not, it is amazing how people have that effect on you.

My parents are both in a bad place right now. One is in the hospital, the other, under full time supervision. It's a very complicated situation with drugs and illnesses.

Home is the LAST place I need to be right now. I feel like coming out here has really helped me de-stress and at least, get some perspective.

I am so torn tonight, over so many things. I don't know if I want to go home. I know I need too, but I really might try and stay.

I'm going to really need that walk tonight.
 
Got in my morning exercise. 2.5 miles. Just hit the pool for laps because I was thinking a lot. Found out my brother is going to have a child and I found out a lot about my parents. Things were really bad but it looks like my Aunt has really stolen the show taking care of them. That story is a very long and sad story that I won't share here, however, it FINALLY looks like everyone is shifting into recovery mode.

Funny though I can't seen to let my guard down. I keep waiting for things to go wrong. Talking and laughing with others has helped. I guess what happened in the beginning of this year really scarred me. I feel like one minute, I had it all, the next, I was fighting for just the basics. I'm afraid that is going to happen again. Most of all though, I'm afraid of feeling the gut wrenching agony I felt through the first six months of the year. That was a dark time and I'm still reeling and recovering from it.

L texted me again this morning. I'm surprised. He normally doesn't contact me on Tuesdays because The Warden (his wife) doesn't let him. I've noticed since the hospital visit, he texts a lot. I'm grateful, but still, it's surprising.

I had skipped down the steps this morning to the Hotel sitting area to have a good long talk with him and low and behold, it's Tuesday, not Wednesday. Oops. I felt very silly. We normally talk every day when he works for an hour. It's lovely.

That also means I'm off tonight, so I am going to curl up with my favorite meal and watch Guardians of Ga'hoole. Been enjoying all my fantasy books lately and it's done wonders for me relaxing. All this exercise is really working magic too.
 
I'm doing it again. I have my guard up so high. L called. We talked for a good hour and a half. He sounded so down and negative that it brought me down a couple of pegs. Told him this - he seemed surprised. I cheered up the conversation by talking about the shenanigans going on at my new job site. He perked up quite a bit.

I'm worried he's going to collapse at work again because he's still having problems and it looks like his job isn't going to let up any time soon. We both know deep down we both need to get away from this particular situation. It appears I've reached the other side, but I'm not so sure for him.

I offerred to help in anyway I can and he says there's nothing I can do. I asked him to take care of himself. He promised he would.

It hit me that I can't allow his infirmary or problems spill into mine. Yes, I love him, and yes I care about him, but I can't go into rescue mode and worry excessively. Despite our commitment to each other, it's just not healthy for me to worry so much - and I know he hates it. But I'd be lying if I didn't confess I'm scared to death that he's going to over stress himself at work today.

I'm taking deep breaths and concentrate on working on what I need to do today to get ready to head back to my own job site. Lord knows what's going to be waiting for me when I get there. Again, sorely tempted to ask never to go back to my home site. But given the revelations at home, I need to go back at the very least to settle some unfinished business.

Trying not to wallow in self pity either. It's hard not to give into the "why can't things be fucking simple?!" worry that's trying to wash over me. This is a time of transition and many things are changing in my life. Personal growth is a royal pain in the ass in many ways, but it's good for me.

On a happier note, I walked my morning 2.5 miles. Achieved my exercise goals for the past 2 days. The extra push is good.

The good thing is, I've figured out a lot of goals I've wanted to really start pushing for when I go back home, so at the very least, with all the complications going on, I have something solid to work on and at least my life won't go askew if things on the parent and relationship front go south.

Still this is tough. Very tough.
 
Hard me to share, but maybe this might help someone else going through this:

From my journal:
Caught myself!

I'm looking for love and validation. Why? I'm scared of being abandoned. I'm very scared of being abandoned.

Why am I so scared of that?

What so horrible if I have to face the world alone?

I'm also afraid of failing. I'm very afraid that all my efforts are in vain. What can I do to reassure myself? How do I keep perspective?

I started to ruminate and read into everything and make assumptions, but literally said out loud "you're being needy, clingy. Stop."

Immediately started putting myself down for being weak. Said "Stop." Out loud again.

What is bothering me?

The two fears I wrote above. Ok good.

I'm also being selfish. I'm way to focused on myself. I'm being narcissistic. Ouch.

Ok that's fine. I see it. Now, what do I do?

Nothing. I recognize I'm about to spiral, and just stopped it.

Now I'm going to read up on narcissism and clingy ness for some tools to cope and self reassurance.

I'm fine. I'm proud of myself.

Sure, my fears are valid, but I am learning.
 
His health issue flared badly, and we didn't talk much for the last few days. Then, out of the blue, he calls me in the afternoon. This isn't...normal. We normally talk in the morning, and low and behold I hear his wife talking in the background! Normally she doesn't like it when he talks to me at all. I'm..curious about the sudden change.

Life has mainly been about work. Mostly training others on how to do what I do. The last batch really caught on quickly!

They are letting work the bots more. I'm really growing fond of them. It's going to be tough to leave them behind when I go back.
 
Work was terrific. Really let myself just enjoy my work and not worry about the emotional battle front at home.

Been reading a lot of the blogs, some more than others. They have been really inspirational. The last few days have been...difficult, but a few lines from people's blogs really got me through those difficult moments.

I read somewhere you have to "tend to your own garden." I think I -finally- get what that means. I've been making myself care for and listen to myself more.

I also realize more reality about L and myself. They aren't bad revelations. But I feel a bit more detached from certain scenarios and I'm finally letting go some fantasies that I've clung too for awhile. They are just a drain on me. and I'm glad I'm finally getting to that place.

I've figured out some goals I want to achieve on my own and I'm spending more time with people that I've neglected. I have a feeling the next few months are going to be awesome.

They are extending my stay at the job site (confirmation in a few days). So looks like I got my wish. More time with the bots :)
 
Came home temporarily and met up with L. The sex was incredible. So passionate and plenty of BDSM time. He was super affectionate and tender, a nice deviation from the normal intensity. We both missed each other greatly over the last two weeks.

I finally talked to him about a few more things that were nagging at me. His health, for one, and other things I don't need to write about here. Much to my surprise, he had the same concerns and had solutions that made me feel a lot better. He stayed a bit longer than usual despite his curfew to comfort me. Probably won't see him again for another 2-3 weeks because of my extended "deployment". :(

On the other hand, I'm again pleasantly surprised how I'm glad to have me time again. Getting the laundry done and things in order at the house before I head back up to the job site. My room mate, whom I've gotten very close to over the passed year, C, has been instrumental in helping me through my present insecurities. She is another story, but we are talking more and more about long term plans together that go beyond friendship. We don't see each other separating any time soon.

This is a new part of the equation I did not expect. Glad life threw me a bone. I really do feel like she is my significant other. When L and I talk about our long term plans, I tell him that I would never abandon her and her coming with me if we relocate is now a requirement. That, or she'll have my continued support, financially and emotionally.

What a week.
 
Crazy day today. Running around and taking care of mundane everyday things I keep neglecting. I spent time with my son and unfortunately (and fortunately), my family. I blew a quarter of a tank of gas in one day. Damn.

I treated myself to a pedi and manicure. Should post a picture, but I got a french manicure and christmas bows painted on them. They look incredible. My feet look nice and cleaned up too. Probably TMI, but getting all that dead skin stripped off has been a major blessing. I don't itch any more.

L texted me in the morning, said he was thinking about me. That warmed my heart.

Reading books on Codependency. It's been tough reading them. It's hard to face things that you know in your heart are true. On the other hand, I realize I can choose to make the most of all of this.

I took a break from the "improvement train" and decided to have some fun. Went out to see my buddies and played Fall Out 4. I really REALLY enjoyed the game and the concept. I jumped the gun and ordered a brand new PS4 with Star Wars Battle Front. It will be here by next week. I won't be able to play it until mid-December though due to the extension. Oh well, at least SOMETHING new will be waiting for me when I get back.

I sent a few emails out to friends I haven't talked to in awhile. And even better, C has chosen to go up with me to my new Job site and spend some time with me while I'm up there. I really struggling with my change in life style since the beginning of this divorce. I'm not used to being alone, at all. I haven't been a alone for over 15 years.

Struggling is tough. Very tough. L aside, I wouldn't wish this amount of pain or change on anyone. Yes, it's a good thing, but man it's a bitch. A real bitch.
 
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