A Mono's Journey Into Poly-Land (or, "Aw hell, there's no road map?!")

Oy.

Well, boy, is the stress beginning to ramp up.

Let's see...

First of all, my sisters are planning to fly out and stay with me in October, which isn't a stressful thing in and of itself. My baby sister and her BF are flying out, renting a car, and I'll probably have to find an air mattress (or two) so there's room for all of us that weekend.

My middle sister (the one who was having drug problems and abusive BF problems in the past) is doing better for herself, and I'm happy for that. She bought her flight out, but no return flight (which worried me a bit), but she's looking forward to seeing everyone, yadda yadda.

I try poking to see when she's flying back, and I get a text stating that her BF now has a ticket out (and, I'm assuming, no ticket back). This is the abusive one. He's apparently "found God". We'll see...

So now this makes 8 people in the house over the weekend (including Chops and the two kids). One of whom I don't trust, so he's not staying in the house unsupervised (although what we'll do at night when they keep going in and out for smoke breaks is beyond me). Sigh.

Not quite sure how they're going to afford a return flight, since my sister is behind on her RENT, and is asking me for help. I helped earlier this month. Couldn't swing it again (rent is weekly). Felt like an ass, but also didn't like feeling like I'm her fall-back plan when things go wrong, rather than growing up and taking control of her OWN life.

Sigh... So here I am feeling like the bad guy on the phone with her yesterday, telling her that no, I have my own bills to pay. Ugh. :mad:

And she plans to buy her return flight(s) with her next two checks. I neglected to ask how she was going to pay her rent.

So help me, if I have to shell out for a bus ticket to get them home afterward, I will.

So, I have family stress and financial stress - trying to dig myself out of my own financial hole, slowly, but winter is coming, which means fuel, chimney maintenance, and related things, and getting asked for help in the meantime doesn't help my own situation any. Plus, Chops has been running himself ragged taking Xena to and from the airport recently, and with my stress level raised, I'm getting aggravated with how it impacted our time together (lack of sleep is a bitch). This weekend, they're out camping, and I'm feeling the pinch for time with him again... Friday would have been our night together, so I'd like to reschedule, but the calendar is so dorked up right now, we can't find a good time to do it.

Just... ugh. Stressed out in general, and feeling the pinch for time with Chops (and feeling a lack of sleep!), and it just leads to me feeling less than charitable about Xena.

Yeah, it's not fair that I put it on her. I know that... Still, that old resentment and old habits die hard, and I just get pissy with her for the circumstance, rather than getting pissy in general. I'm trying not to let that flow into my interactions with Chops, and I'm really not interacting with her much right now, so I'm hoping that next week, when things start evening out, the emotions will settle.

Monday, I'm taking a half-day, and Chops and I are spending the day together. That will definitely help recharge the love bucket.

So... I've felt on the hairy edge of holding it all in the past few days, and things with my sister damn near pushed it over the edge yesterday. I've gone from looking forward to having my sisters up next month, to worrying what I'm going to do about the BF, and how we're going to get them the hell home without me taking a week off from work to do it. I will need to sell my mom's car before they get here, or my sister's BF will want to use it to get around. I am tempted to just hide everything of value that isn't nailed down, and I absolutely hate having to think that way (given past performance). Just... ugh.

Add to that the pile of stuff I've WANTED to get through, and just haven't had the time, and I'm ready to just curl up, go to bed, and stay there for a week.

But that's not going to help any.

On the plus side, PokéGirl learned to ride a bike last weekend. :) On the minus side, her big sister felt she was "rubbing it in" (because DanceGirl was finally getting used to an adult bike for the first time), and got aggravated. You win some, you lose some, I guess. I feel badly that their dad doesn't encourage them to go out and do this stuff (hence, DanceGirl's 5-year hiatus from bike riding), but I'm glad that they now have bikes at my house, and they can keep it up.

The downstairs bathroom is mid-renovation right now (which also needs to get finished before everyone stays with me - AAA!), but once we find some more time to bang away at it, and get the floor done, it should get finished fairly soon. Fingers crossed.

Sigh.
Anyway, just needed to vent. I normally love the Fall, but 'tis the beginning of the holiday season, as far as I'm concerned. My daughter's birthday and Samhain next month (and the family adventure), birthdays and Thanksgiving in November, and then the craziness REALLY begins.

That "staying in bed for a week" thing is starting to sound more and more attractive. :p

Hope you all are doing well.

Edited to add: Well, now I get a text stating that middle sis just got out of the emergency room. The cynical side of me thinks the timing is extremely suspect, but I really have no clue what happened. Baby sis is on the ball and able to respond to her texts (I can't check texts regularly right now). Just... man. I'm surprised I don't spend my days drunk.
 
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Enjoy your day with Chops tomorrow. Sounds like you could use the time! Can't wait to hear how the sister weekend turns out. I'm sure it'll be memorable.
 
Hi YouAreHere,

Just letting you know I made another exception to my "read no blogs" rule of thumb, cause I wants in on your blog! :) I admit I did a fair amount of "speedreading" but I got the main idea and slowed down somewhat while approaching the latest entries.

Early on I thought you had two main challenges: one, fixing up the house; and two, handling Chops not always being there for you because he's with Xena. But I take it those challenges have shrunk to a certain extent?

Re: polyamory versus monogamy ... I do agree that too many polyamorists criticize monogamy too often ... and one of my objections to "Sex at Dawn" was the assertion that we're *all* naturally genetically non-monogamous. "Since we're closely related to bonobos, we must have bonobo dispositions." No; since we're equally related to bonobos and regular chimps, we must have roughly equal percentages of each disposition.

I see your point about "brainwashing" being a divisive/derisive term. Can I use the phrase "cultural pressure" instead? I know that many polyamorists who out themselves to their blood relatives get the rubber hose treatment. That's cultural pressure. Of course that sword cuts both ways. Some people "go poly" because "ooh, it's so cool" ... and we don't want to be caught wandering outside the "cool group," do we?

I think the moral of the story (for me) is that for something really big like "monogamous or polyamorous," one should make the call based strictly on one's own internal analysis, not based on whether one's friends or family will approve. If internal analysis (rather than cultural pressure) is used, then I should totally support that person's call, regardless of whether it's monogamous or polyamorous.

Re (from YouAreHere):
"Most of us accept that various things lie on a spectrum: gender attraction for one. Why can't mono/poly be the same way?"

Why indeed. Hence my long-dead thread, Philosophical Semantics. [/pimp]

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi YouAreHere,

Just letting you know I made another exception to my "read no blogs" rule of thumb, cause I wants in on your blog! :) I admit I did a fair amount of "speedreading" but I got the main idea and slowed down somewhat while approaching the latest entries.

Early on I thought you had two main challenges: one, fixing up the house; and two, handling Chops not always being there for you because he's with Xena. But I take it those challenges have shrunk to a certain extent?

Re: polyamory versus monogamy ... I do agree that too many polyamorists criticize monogamy too often ... and one of my objections to "Sex at Dawn" was the assertion that we're *all* naturally genetically non-monogamous. "Since we're closely related to bonobos, we must have bonobo dispositions." No; since we're equally related to bonobos and regular chimps, we must have roughly equal percentages of each disposition.

I see your point about "brainwashing" being a divisive/derisive term. Can I use the phrase "cultural pressure" instead? I know that many polyamorists who out themselves to their blood relatives get the rubber hose treatment. That's cultural pressure. Of course that sword cuts both ways. Some people "go poly" because "ooh, it's so cool" ... and we don't want to be caught wandering outside the "cool group," do we?

I think the moral of the story (for me) is that for something really big like "monogamous or polyamorous," one should make the call based strictly on one's own internal analysis, not based on whether one's friends or family will approve. If internal analysis (rather than cultural pressure) is used, then I should totally support that person's call, regardless of whether it's monogamous or polyamorous.

Re (from YouAreHere):


Why indeed. Hence my long-dead thread, Philosophical Semantics. [/pimp]

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Was reading your old thread Kevin...interesting. I'm still thinking about riddle 1 and 2. I'm on there somewhere but I have practiced and thought one way for so long and haven't tried anything else...so I don't know if I actually could be in a different spot. Confused yet?
 
You must clear your mind of all cultural influences, and then you'll know what spot you're really in. :)
 
YAH, if I were you I'd go tough love and tell your mentally ill sister that she and her bf are not welcome. MAYBE just her alone. Maybe they could trade in the one way ticket he supposedly bought for a round trip for her alone.

But otherwise, no way would I have sketchy people staying for an unspecified period of time in my sanctuary. I cut off my mentally ill daughter from visits for several years after she started stealing from me to buy drugs. I recommend some tough love from you to your sister too. You have my permission.
 
Thanks, all. :)
Kevin, I'll get to your posts at some point - I haven't really had much time to post, but I'm hoping things open up in a couple days.

Mags, point taken. I should have put my foot down WRT the boyfriend but the plane tickets (sadly) are non-refundable and non-transferable (I asked if she could refund his ticket so she could make the rent - nope. I then asked if she could transfer it into her name so she could return - nope.). This visit, however, will not be open-ended. She will leave the same day my other sister leaves, regardless of whether or not I have to get them both a bus ticket back to OK.

Next time, rules will be spelled out in advance. As it is, she is planning to see our grandparents and her boys (who have been adopted out to another family, so these visits are the only chance she gets to see them), so I won't say no now.

Still, she and BF are not to be left unsupervised in the house. If I go to bring Pokegirl to a soccer game, then either my poor baby sister and her BF (and Chops, since he can definitely play the heavy) get stuck babysitting (ugh), or we ALL go. WHEE!

Ugh. I went from looking forward to seeing everyone, to wishing this were already over, and that sucks. The stay will be five days. I can make it.

(To top it all off, middle sister has since lost her job and her place... Cynical Me is sincerely hoping she's not back to using. The good news is that she's flying out, so if she brings any of that shit to my house, hopefully the TSA detains her before it makes it here...)
 
Sounds like she is using again. She was hospitalized, lost her job and her apartment? Good luck. I hope you get through the 5 days OK. Paying for them to get home will be a hardship, but you have learned your lesson.
 
Definitely. Lesson learned.

She initially made her plans while she was still doing well (we encouraged her to make plans while she was still up in May for Mom's funeral, and she bought her initial flight not too long afterward)... then things fell apart. I won't pull the rug out from under her this time, but I also won't lay it down for her again.
 
So stinkin' much to write (other places too, not just here), and so little time. I'm alive, at least!

Poor Chops ended up having a massive gallstone attack (we think) last night (probably for over 6 hours). It made for a pretty late night looking for an urgent care facility that was actually open (because insurance costs to go the E.R. are terrible). By the time he started feeling a bit better and we got home, it was around 1am, and it still took a little while for sleep to be had. He woke up this morning feeling completely beaten up, so we each called into work, said we'd be late, and slept in until about 9. Still could have kept going, I think. ZZzzzz...

I had gallstones for a long time (went through periods where the university health care refused to even TELL me, so that was fun). The pain is, IMO, on par with the pain I had during childbirth (pitocin-induced labor), but no contraction/relief cycle. Just asstacular pain until it decides to go away. Ugh.

Luckily, he's got a doctor's appointment soon.

Poor guy kept apologizing for inconveniencing me... just AUGH. I LOVE YOU, let me take care of you when you need it, plz! The opportunity doesn't come up all that often (thankfully), and I'm happy to do it.

So, anyhoo... that on top of everything else makes YAH a very sleepy YAH. I'll type up an update at some point, and I apologize for neglecting the PMs I've received, but it may take a couple days. Take care, all!
 
It's raining, it's pouring...

So the question we were all waiting for has finally been asked: "I hate OK. BF is threatening to leave me. He says I've already burned my bridges with you. Can I stay with you instead of going back?"

Love the obvious manipulation (if I say no, I'm proving that yes, her bridges have been burned). However, the "enough is enough" kicked in, and she got a big fat NO.

Guilt trip ensued ("What did I do? I'll even look for a job! Why? Just tell me what I did wrong!"). Seriously... she's 28. Getting a job shouldn't be a negotiating tactic, it should be something she's ALREADY DOING. Told her she did nothing wrong, but the answer's still no. If she doesn't go back, she needs to find somewhere else to stay. I'm not justifying myself to her. Asking a question that is asking a LOT of someone, and not taking no for an answer? Nope. Not playing that game anymore. Told her I wasn't having that argument while the kids were here and she needs to accept my answer. Ugh. :mad:

So, this Sword of Damocles gets to hang over our head all the way up to (and during, probably) the visit out.

The last night they're here is Chops' mom's birthday, so he won't be around during the day I expect hell to break loose. I reserve the right to call if I need him to come home if the shit hits the fan (it's also a night he's with Xena). I am just dreading this entire visit at this point, and while I don't want to put my foot down and say "find somewhere else to stay" yet, if she keeps pushing, that's going to be what comes out of my mouth next.

Of course, this will be interpreted as, "My family is abandoning me," but WTH do you do? Keep supporting a 28-year-old (who isn't even my kid!) so she doesn't ever have to grow up and take responsibility? No. Helping her isn't helping her, it's enabling her, and I'm not playing that game.

Errgh. I have made plans with friends so I can vent in person over a couple drinks. Blowing off steam will be my friend here, I think. Cannot wait for November to get here.

On a rather amusing note, though, DanceGirl saw me frowning at my phone (sister likes to do this via text) and asked what was going on. I told her that Auntie "Okie" was asking to stay here and not go back to OK, to which she replied, "You told her 'no', right?!" LOL. Yes, kid. Thus ensued the "this is why I want you to grow up to be able to take care of yourselves" conversation.

Onward and upward... Hello, October - let's do this.
 
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Good for you for sticking to your guns! There's a fine line between being supportive and enabling, and I'm glad you're prioritizing your needs and those of your kiddos. Bravo! :)
 
Wow. This is your sister we're talking about right? the one with the abusive boyfriend who found God? She's really putting you in a tight spot.
 
Yep, same sister. She put me on the spot when she told me she got HIS ticket out instead of getting HER ticket back (oh, and then asked me to spot her rent money, since she used it to buy his ticket - to which I also said 'no'). This has moved beyond "the spot" over to "crossed the line" territory.

I fully expect her to menace me about it while she's out here, and I'm going to have to lay the law down before that happens. No pushing me to live here while she's out for her visit, or she can find another place to stay those days. It sucks that a visit that was supposed to be fun (early Thanksgiving with the grandparents, her seeing her boys around their birthdays, and maybe a combined birthday party for PokéGirl) is now something I'm dreading. At least my other sister will be here, but it's not fair to expect her to be stuck in the middle of this, either. Bleargh.
 
Well crap. It's times like these when I wish we could pick our relatives ...

Many moons ago I had a friend who was going to be adopted into my nearby aunt's family. I think he resisted their wish to adopt him (even though he lived with them), ran away from home for longer and longer stretches of time, and started stealing his friends' stuff (more and more valuable stuff as time went on). Then he was in and out of prison for a lot of years.

He was always a high-maintainance friend, and the maintainance just got higher and higher as time went by. When he finally decided to move to Michigan where I lived and live with me, I finally had an aha moment and realized I was going to have to ditch him and no longer have him in my life. So before he could find my mailing address, I moved to New Mexico without informing him.

Sucks because he obviously had psychological problems and it wasn't necessarily his fault per se that he was such a damned loser in life. It's just that I reached the point where I realized I was being flooded and needed to start taking care of myself instead of throwing myself on his altar. Not an easy decision, but a necessary decision.

A bit of a tangent there, but what I'm driving at is that I get why you have to draw the line with your sister, and in fact I encourage you to do it.
 
Just my 2cents but I completely agreeing with you. I think "helping" here is really her manipulating the situation and her taking advantage of you. So I am glad to hear you told her no! Good for you! Feel free to vent!
 
What a crazy weekend... (Or, "Oy, my head!")

My "Girls' Night Out" turned out to become "Hangover Friday"... oy. We ALL had a lot to talk about, and as the night went on, everyone decided to stay, and the wine flowed like a flood. Probably not so great in retrospect, but we all let off our steam. And the neighbors didn't call the cops on all the cackling. Bonus.

Except, one friend, after I'd gone to bed (unable to keep my head off the table after midnight-ish) told Chops to sit and have some wine with them, and then took him to task about the relationship. He was gracious about it, and she was drunk and not making much sense, but she really ripped him a new one. That I deserve more, that I have two beautiful girls (what does that have to do with anything?!), etc. Another friend jumped in and said that I'm HAPPY. Happier than I was with ex-hubby, right (friend admitted, yes...), and then jumped in and asked if LecturingFriend was ever worried that her hubby would cheat on her. To which she answered... yes.

Buh? :confused:

Drunk logic. But wow. Cheating is expected. Poly is wrong. Okie dokie, folks. I'm happy with the relationship Chops and I have, TYVM, even if the logistics throw me for a loop sometimes (and thanks to OtherFriend for butting in and giving LecturingFriend shit).

TalkativeFriend (Friend #3 for those who are counting) has a brother who's poly, so she gets it, but talked a bit TOO loosely to Chops later in the night, and went on about how I really, really like one of his partners, and the other not so much. I had to laugh at that one, even as I tried to hide in a hole.

To his credit, Chops was gracious and amused by it all, and he didn't press the issue. I've got a winner. :)

And a lot of extra wine.
Anyone want it? :p

The coup de grace for the weekend: MiddleSis never got back to me re. her schedule. If she doesn't get back to me by the 15th, I have warned her that she and BF will have a bus ticket back to OKC. Instead of communicating anything we asked her to, MiddleSis just texted BabySis to confirm her flight out, and then ask for money. BabySis said no, and MiddleSis went on about how she's sorry, but she won't be a burden for much longer (thinly veiled suicide threat), etc.

Just... argh. :mad:

It's at the point where, if she does end up going that route, I'm just going to be mad as hell at her. Threatening suicide to guilt us into supporting you? No. No way. It only furthers my resolve to make sure she spends as little time around the kids as possible.

BabySis reminded her that her boys need her, and she should remember that. Good on BabySis.

Ah well... Off to do some work. Taking a half-day to spend some of the holiday with Chops, and hopefully have a nice, relaxing day. Fingers crossed... :)
 
I think that MiddleSis is a problem. :rolleyes:
 
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