I broke up with SirGawain this morning. I am actually doing okay, for the most part. I have obviously been thinking about this for a while, so I think that helped. I woke up with this renewed sense of urgency about it, and I decided to drive over to his house in spite of the shitty weather. I knew he would be gone at work, so I could go in and get my toiletries, shop vac and pajamas that I had there. The shop vac was the important thing. Then I left his house key and a stack of gift cards that he has been having me hang on to, on his nightstand. I noticed his cat litter boxes hadn’t been emptied since almost two weeks prior - he is so terrible at taking care of things - so I cleaned them. I must be the only woman in the world to be in the middle of leaving a dude yet still be cleaning up after his stuff.
Anyway, I left and then sent him a long text message, telling him I was done with the relationship, and that I hope he’d still go to therapy and fix his life up. Anyway, I knew he would want to reply because he’d probably be hurt, so I waited for a response, and then I deleted him everywhere and blocked him. Basically he said that he used to be very happy but now he was unhappy, so whatever. This actually made me laugh sadly, a little. I bet he’s unhappy - his FWB broke up with him a few weeks ago, I am dumping him now, and I think it’s VERY safe to say that with both of us out of the picture, his other girlfriend will be unmotivated to spend time with him anymore, as she won’t have any reason to care about him again. I feel bad for him, I really do, but once my therapist was so blunt about needing a breakup to happen, something PunkRock said a short while ago kept echoing in my head: he said that SirGawain was selfish, not just in love, but in every facet of his being. Now, he didn’t say this in a cruel way, just kind of matter-of-fact. And the more it echoed, the more so realized it was true.
So, anyway. That’s all done. I am both sad and relieved. It’s a weird feeling, but somewhat similar to how I felt when I broke up with WarMan, to be honest. Of course, that was still so much more intense, as our relationship had been longer and more intense. Anyway, I am going to take some time for myself but I don’t feel like I need a lot of healing time. I am experiencing some grief, but it kinda rolls in and out. Nothing too intense. I think maybe because I knew this would have to happen - the dynamic was unsustainable because it was unhealthy.
I am back on OKCupid, but I actually have been for a short bit, since CornFlower asked me to look up the one chick he was maybe going to go on a date with. I clearly have been getting messages and likes, but since I don’t subscribe or swipe on anyone, I have no idea about who. I figure I am not going to be sexing up anyone new for a while - I need to now wait a month so I can get new STD tests run and close out this chapter on SirGawain before adding any new partners. And my schedule was already full, so I am not exactly excited to start dating. I do want a Dom though. That isn’t going to go away, so eventually I will need to discover someone, somewhere.
I had dinner tonight with SirGawain’s ex-FWB, actually. She is super cool and though we aren’t metamours we still love spending time together. At least, I enjoy it on my end! She was comforting about my breakup. I discovered that SirGawain had actually told a lie at the beginning of our relationship, but it was stupid then and it’s even dumber now. He told me that he only saw his FWB 3-4 times a year. She was miffed about that and said she was actually seeing him frequently until he started seeing me, and then he dropped her like a hot potato. That was kind of weird to hear. Like, I don’t care often he sees his FWB or his girlfriend. Seemed to be a strange thing to lie about. Oh well, like I said, it doesn’t matter at this point.
I had more to talk about but this is already too long.