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  #881  
Old 01-29-2016, 09:59 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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Spork, you are so not alone in having trouble talking about sex. I'm doing a lot better with it now, because Woody's very open and positive sexually and it's spilling over to me, but I still have trouble with Hubby sometimes.

I have, however, come a ginormous way since six years ago, when I literally had to force myself to even say the word "sex", and usually felt sick to my stomach when I did. And in part, my issues came from my ex-husband's attitudes about sex, so you aren't alone in that either.
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  #882  
Old 01-29-2016, 10:20 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KC43 View Post
Spork, you are so not alone in having trouble talking about sex. I'm doing a lot better with it now, because Woody's very open and positive sexually and it's spilling over to me, but I still have trouble with Hubby sometimes.

I have, however, come a ginormous way since six years ago, when I literally had to force myself to even say the word "sex", and usually felt sick to my stomach when I did. And in part, my issues came from my ex-husband's attitudes about sex, so you aren't alone in that either.
Thanks. I was fearless and shameless before my marriage...and I'm getting back to being that way now, if more tempered with some relationship wisdom than in the old "wild and casual teenager" days.

Ex-Hubs made me feel like no man could respect me (except him of course) and no man could be my friend (except him of course) and all men just used me (except him of course) and sex was dirty (except with him of course) and a "precious gift that should only be given to a committed permanent life partner." He did his best to make me understand the very important fact that a woman's value, self respect, and honor have pretty much everything to do with how well she guards her fun bits. We had a heavy dose of codependency going on there too that I'm still trying to extricate from. It was bad.

Funny story....a man who treats a woman this way, ends up with a wife who hates sex. There's the moral of that story.

But seriously though I can get naked at parties and bottom for impact, fire, rope, electricity, and have the time of my life, and don't care who sees what (don't actually feel that it's sexual activity anyhow)...but my lover better not ask me to speak regarding what toys I want to play with tonight or tell him fantasy stuff or any of that...EEK I'M SKEERED. *sigh*

But I know how important it is, especially being into BDSM, that I be able to really Use My Words, so I WANT to get over this. Love how therapeutic some of the stuff can be...
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  #883  
Old 01-29-2016, 10:36 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I was fearful and shameful my entire life until 9 years ago... my ex was only part of the problem, he just carried on the damaging statements and actions started by my mother and by a few incidents of assault when I was growing up.

Then I got to have almost a year and a half of being fearless and shameless, until I met Hubby, who put me right back into that mindset, though he did it by speaking thoughtlessly, not by having a sex-negative viewpoint. He's actually very sex-positive in general, but for *himself* he's conservative bordering on prudish, and instead of saying "I'm not comfortable with that" or "I'd rather not" when I asked him to do sexual things with me, he said things like "Married people don't do that" or "That's only for people who don't have beds", or, on one or two occasions, "Why would you want to do something like that?"

Hubby has tried to make up for that since I confronted him three years ago; that's what led to us having an open marriage that became me having polyamorous relationships. But I've still had a hard time talking about or asking for sex; the first time I ever was able to tell a man I wasn't already involved with "Hey, I want to have sex with you" was just this past August.

Woody's been amazing helping me with it, though. It is starting to carry over with Hubby to some extent, but not completely yet.
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  #884  
Old 01-30-2016, 02:57 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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So the expected "Why the hack did I do that, now I feel trapped" effect kick in today. I am alone and trying to write a personal statement for my PhD, and I found out that I cannot be lying before the computer as usually because the collar presses agains my neck (might motivate me to sit more healthily, LOL), so I got angry and the doubts came out. I felt frustrated but then it helped to ask myself if I would really like it off, and the answer is no. I also exchanged a few sentences on the phone with my dom. He enjoys the feedback. Now I feel it as a lot of energy which I haven't found a means to express, and which feels restricted around my neck (but I know without the collar it might not be there at all). Overwhelmed by good and bad.

(Just in case someone wonders how the psychology works.)

As for the talking about sex, yes, I too have more problems to say what I would like then to do it. Kind of funny

P.S.: I found out how to add a signature. Now I should finally choose nicknames
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  #885  
Old 01-30-2016, 11:32 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
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I have problems both doing and saying, when it comes to sex. I'm getting better with it, but it's going to take time.
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  #886  
Old 02-01-2016, 11:46 AM
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baileyjay baileyjay is offline
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sounds cool
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