Is polyamory a sexual identity, just like being queer?

trescool

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I was just curious how people feel about this.

Do you feel like being polyamorous is a sexual IDENTITY for you? Do you feel like, beyond being a lifestyle choice that you want, that polyamory is in fact, something you deeply NEED to feel spiritually, emotionally, and sexually fulfilled?

For me, I find it is a lifestyle choice. For me personally, being bisexual and being strongly attracted to woman is NOT a choice, it is deeply inherent to my being. But polyamory makes so much SENSE to me-- the support and reliability of multiple people in raising a family, I choose it because I believe it is a healthier mode of raising a family and supporting people than the current monogamous family structure.

However, I know that other people feel differently. So I wanted to ask... how do you feel? Is polyamory a "choice" for you? Or is it a deep in-born desire which must be fulfilled, similar to being gay?

And secondly, is it an identity for you?
 
Thanks for starting this thread. I came to this theory for myself about six months ago and have been expressing it on here since then. It seems to resonated for most poly people and it seems to explain why there are personal descriptions of poly for those engaged in it.

There seems to be a couple of different categories of poly.

  • Identifying as poly since birth. Monogamy is not an option and this will always be. At some point there might be a shift in focus and monogamy is what is practices as lifestyle choice, but the person still considers themselves poly.
  • Choosing poly as a way of swinging/being "open" with their spouse or out on their own or as a way to date many people and stay open and honest in their communication about who they are sleeping with and spending time with. Poly is a lifestyle choice that has comfortable values of honesty and consent until "the one" comes along. Can sometimes be linked to filling bisexual needs while keeping a primary partner.
Please feel free to add to this list. Its in no way meant to be exclusive.

For me? I am the first on this list. Cheated, had many short and long term relationships, identified as a lesbian for years, tried it all out and nothing seemed to fit until I identified as pansexual and polyamorous. Ahhhh, its all good now. :p

I think at some point I can see myself taking a monogamous lifestyle or at least a primary relationship as I get older and less able to concentrate, balance, encompass and "take care of" three to four relationships. I am not sure how I will manage more than one and I will likely be fine directing my energy to other areas of life at that time and live monogamously. Who knows; no one can predict the future. ;)
 
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Nope, not an identity for me. Who I am is not determined by how many relationships I have. It seems odd to me to call a relationship structure a "sexual identity," especially since polyamory is about relationships and not just sex. I said this in another thread:
I am extremely doubtful and skeptical about the notion that our brains are "wired" to be either poly or mono. I see the ability to love multiple people as a natural option for any human being, but that many factors come into play as to whether it feels right to someone to engage in polyamory, and those are mostly cultural conditioning, personal preferences, and a leaning or willingness to step out of accepted conventions... Therefore, I choose to live polyamorously, I choose to embrace polyamory, but I am not "wired" poly -- hence I don't ID as poly.
To me, poly is simply an approach/practice/structure I am open to having in my life. However, focusing on entering into relationships for the sake of attaining the goal of "being poly" -- rather than on cultivating healthy, loving relationships in my life -- would be a huge mistake.

Recently, I was reading an online article by Deborah Anapol, who wrote Polyamory in the 21st Century and Love Without Limits, and one statement in that article stuck out for me:
While the freedom to explore polyamory is crucial to both spiritual and cultural evolution, I believe it's a mistake to view polyamory, however you chose to define it, as the destination.

The article is here: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-without-limits/201107/beyond-polyamory


Also, there have been some similar discussions here before:

mono-poly spectrum?

practicing poly but not ID'ing as poly?

Is poly a decision or a person's nature?


lifestyle vs. identity in polyamory

Everyone is Poly underneath

 
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For me poly is an orientation. But I wouldn't call it a sexual orientation.

As a young teen, I would fall in love and immediately assume that meant the relationship I was in had to end. I didn't know relationships could be conducted any other way. Even after I met Runic Wolf, I was still attracted to several of my female friends. But I never acted on it because I wasn't ready to believe I was bi-sexual and because he truly is a part of me that I didn't know was missing until I found it. Runic Wolf and I learned about poly together and both identified with it, which makes things so much easier in alot of ways.

I prefer to live polyamarously because it means I do not have to deny my feelings for another.
 
For me poly is an orientation. But I wouldn't call it a sexual orientation.
I wouldn't call it a sexual orientation either. Is that what was mentioned? I missed that.

Identity, according to wiki anyway, is "the relation each thing bears just to itself." "The sociological notion of identity, by contrast, has to do with a person's self-conception, social presentation, and more generally, the aspects of a person that make them unique, or qualitatively different from others (e.g. cultural identity, gender identity, national Identity, online identity and processes of identity formation.)"

Sexual orientation, according to wiki "describes an enduring pattern of attraction—emotional, romantic, sexual, or some combination of these—to the opposite sex, the same sex, both, or neither, and the genders that accompany them. These attractions are generally subsumed under heterosexuality, homosexuality, bisexuality, and asexuality."

These two definitions, when merged together, are an attempt to describe to me. Its a 'self concept' that brings "attraction to others" and a "pattern of that attraction" together. It means that I pull into my "heart' (for want of a better word) many people at once, not just one at a time.

I don't think poly is about how many relationships I have, but how I love others and the possibility I have decided to allow to express that love. I have no control over that. It is proven to me that I cannot control my love for others and my drive to express that is curvable to a point, but not healthy for me.
 
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These two definitions, when merged together...

Did you happen to see the illustration on gender I found and posted in the Fireplace forum recently?

Any combination of gender identity, expression, biology, or sexual orientation/attractions can "fit" with either monogamy, polyamory, or other variant of relationship. Therefore, I see polyamory as a way to practice, approach, or structure relationships that one can choose or gravitate toward, regardless of where on any of these continuums (below) the person is, as far as identity. How your personality has developed, I believe, plays a role in whether you are drawn to poly or not.

I guess you could call polyamory or monogamy possible identities in terms of how one approaches creating and managing relationships, kind of like identifying as introverted or extroverted in approaching social situations, but that would not be the same as gender or sexual identity.

Here is the "genderbread person" graphic:

See Breaking through the binary: Gender explained using continuums. The image below is the printer-friendly version, a link to which is included in the article.

Genderbread-Person.jpg
 
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Either monogamy or polyamory can "fit" with any combination of gender identity, expression, biology, or sexual orientation/attractions.
I agree that gender identity and sexual orientation/attractions can be mixed with a mono or poly identity because they are orientations.

Therefore, I see both as a practice, approach, or structure that one can choose or gravitate toward, regardless of where on any of these continuums the person is, as far as identity.
Choosing is an option for some I guess. That is what I understand from you and sourgirl and others. It isn't for me. I am poly in orientation, even if I might choose to be in a mono situation. Others might be mono in orientation and choose to be in a poly situation in order to express their bisexual identities/orientations or for other reasons. That to me is a lifestyle choice of either monogamy or polyamory identity.

I guess you could call polyamory or monogamy possible identities in terms of how one approaches creating and managing relationships, kind of like identifying as introverted or extroverted in approaching social situations, but that would not be the same as gender or sexual identity.
I agree, gender/sexual identity is not the same as gender/sexual orientation. It seems to follow along the lines that introversion and extroversion does. I would agree with that... that is another identity that comes from an orientation though no?

It seems to me that orientation is something that one just is. Something that we are born with. Identity is how one chooses to express themselves and what we were born with. Some gay people are gay in orientation, but don't identify as such. They have chosen not to for whatever reason (religious beliefs sometimes being one)... it doesn't change that they were created gay I don't think. Its about choosing what one expresses and takes as their identity.

On this visual (very cute btw :))I would identify my poly as being an orientation and an identity.

Identifying as poly is two fold perhaps.... those who identify as poly in lifestyle choice and those that identify poly because of their orientation.
 
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I agree with the Poly by choosing/accident/no other way around it - that's how I identify. Even though I had experience being a tertiary member of another, larger group (think moon orbiting distant planet), all that did as we figured our way into a more physical relationship with my men was inform me of the things that had not worked for me in the past.

So, yeah, I doubt very much that I would be poly/seek out poly in any other situation. I know T wouldn't and that's something he's made very clear. E might, but it's hard to say.
 
Choosing is an option for some I guess. That is what I understand from you and sourgirl and others. It isn't for me. I am poly in identity, even if I might choose to be in a mono situation.
Well, if you can choose monogamy, you can choose polyamory.
icon_smile_evil.gif
;):eek: (just a little poke)

I agree, gender/sexual identity is not the same as gender/sexual orientation. It seems to follow along the lines that introversion and extroversion does. I would agree with that... that is another identity that comes from an orientation though no?
I think it is simply a characteristic in one's personality; in other words, patterns in how one's emotional development, attitudes, and behavioral responses combine with one another, of course also influenced by cultural and familial circumstances.

I don't think a personality trait is the same as gender identity or sexual orientation (but I will look into that). In other words, a person may have developed a personality that is very comfortable with polyamory as a structure or practice, and in fact could feel a big hole in their life without multiple relationships, but again that is not gender identity nor sexual orientation, although I'm sure it feels all pretty much part of the same thing in one's head. Maybe some people have more of a capacity to compartmentalize certain aspects of their personalities than others do.

It seems to me that orientation is something that one just is. Something that we are born with. Identity is how one chooses to express themselves and what we were born with.
I think you have it backwards. Identity is how you feel about yourself, and orientation is how you relate to others, who you are attracted to. Think of the verb, "orient." We orient ourselves to know where we are in relation to the world (aside: this is different from "orientate" which means to face east. A pet peeve of mine is when people mix these two words up). Expression is definitely a separate thing from those two -- we can express how we see ourselves, to whom we are attracted, and how we relate to others in many different ways.

Identifying as poly is two fold perhaps.... those who identify as poly in lifestyle choice and those that identify poly as their orientation.
Hmm, but there are people like me who do not see it as an identity nor lifestyle, but rather a practice or approach. So, I really don't think of myself as a polyamorous person. According to the continuums in the chart, I identify as a woman, express myself as feminine, am biologically female, and heterosexual in orientation -- and I also just happen to be someone who now wants multiple, non-exclusive loving relationships in my life. Before 2010, I happened to be someone who wanted to live happily and monogamously ever after with my husband. But I never really identified myself specifically as a monogamous person, because my approach to relationships isn't how I think about myself. To be honest, I don't really give much thought to my identity; it just is what it is.

I've said this before - (and I am not directing this to the OP or anyone who's contributed here, btw, it is just a general statement) I think too many people waste time and energy trying to figure out "if they are poly" instead of simply asking what kinds of relationships they want and going about creating that. People base their actions on some conclusion they've made about themselves, filling the holes they feel in their lives with people, trying to live up to some romanticized idea they have about something, and blaming a lot of drama they've created on "it's just my nature." I think it's much more beneficial to look at how we treat the people we're in relationship with, and do whatever we can to treat people well and bring more quality of loving kindness into our lives, whatever form that takes.
 
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Like Redpepper, I feel that I am polyamorous by orientation instead of choice or dictated by relationship dynamics or number. I tried monogamy, failed spectacularly at it, and finally came to accept that it didn't fit my life. I could never quite believe the one true soul mate, or other half concept. The thought of only one partner for all of my adult life made me claustrophopic and antsy.
I do not feel that everyone is capable of being polyamorous or being in a polyamorous relationship. I believe some people are simply not capable of loving more than one person anymore than they can choose their sexual orientation.
Yes many of our choices are dictated by societal pressures, but this does not mean, even without this, that everyone would be capable of every relationship type.
 
I feel it`s an identity, yes.

I was just having a conversation in the car with two co-workers, and they are both talking about marriage and I realize I had nothing to say. I didn`t identify with any of their feelings.

So...I shut my trap! :cool:
 
Interesting topic! I have a bisexual orientation- something I was born with. I have made several lifestyle choices in my life. First I lived a heterosexually monogamous lifestyle. Then, a lesbian monogamous lifestyle. Now I am living a bisexual polyamorous lifestyle.

For me, uou can have one particular orientation, but you still have to choose a lifestyle. And, just because a person is living a particular lifestyle, doesn't neccessarily mean it lines up exactly with their natural orientation.

For clarity, if someone wants to be clear, they might want to reveal both their orientation and their chosen lifestyle. If they happen to be the same, that's great!!
 
I feel it`s an identity, yes.

I was just having a conversation in the car with two co-workers, and they are both talking about marriage and I realize I had nothing to say. I didn`t identify with any of their feelings.

So...I shut my trap! :cool:

Identifying with someone doesn't have anything to do with self-identity; it just means you empathize with them. Not feeling empathy for two people talking about marriage doesn't automatically translate to being polyamorous. Plenty of monogamous people are not marriage-minded, either. And plenty of poly people love being married. The fact that you couldn't identify with what they were discussing just means that you did not recognize, understand, nor share their emotions on the topic.
 
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For simplicity, we generally say person can be homosexual, heterosexual, or bisexual.

I believe a person can be mono, poly, or poly-mono-flexible.

I've known people who simply cannot do monogamous relationships. If they're forced to try, they inevitably end up cheating, despite their best intentions. They've got no problems with communication and honesty when they're allowed to have other relationships, so it's not "once a cheater, always a cheater" it's just that they can't do monogamy, at all.

I've known people who simply cannot do polyamorous relationships. Part of what they like in a relationship is being the centre of someone's attention, and having that person as the centre of their attention. They can't share and they don't want to be shared, at all.

And through this forum, I've known people who can go either way depending on the preference of the person/s they're currently in relationships with.

I was definitely born poly, I have never understood monogamy or its appeal. But I don't have a "need" for any type of relationship. So to the same extent that I've never felt a "need" for a partner when I was single, I've also never felt the "need" for an additional partner when I was already with someone. But the mere thought that I'm tied to this one person for ever and always til death do us part sounds like nothing short of a prison sentence. In other words, if I'm in a relationship and I meet someone amazing that I would like to date, I would feel completely trapped if I wasn't allowed to explore that.
 
Polyamory isn't LIKE being queer, it IS queer in itself. Queer literally means out of the ordinary; unusual compared to "the norm". Most people around us being mono; poly is the queer side.

As for sexual identity, I don't believe so. As polyamory is literally about love and not sex. Though many people who can love many, would also be ok with having sex with many, too. So there is often that sexual identity behind the "love identity". =P

I'm not sure what the specific word would be for being sexually attracted to many people [without gender or sex being impanted in the word], but queer works just fine. Even though it is a loose-fitting term, that's what is good about it. But it goes on top of the Homo-, hetero-, bisexual identities, too.
 
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Polyamory isn't LIKE being queer, it IS queer in itself. Queer literally means out of the ordinary; unusual compared to "the norm". Most people around us being mono; poly is the queer side.
Good point. Yes, I certainly have been feeling for a while now like a sexual minority. Even before becoming conscious of my bicuriosity.
I'm not sure what the specific word would be for being sexually attracted to many people.
Polysexual? :p If I were to give myself a sub-label, it would be "sex-positive polyamory."

But, even that is a little bit of a misnomer in my case. I think maybe "physical polyamorous" would be it.

In other words, if I have feelings for someone, I feel like touching them. If I touch them, I have feelings for someone. That is not to say that I want to have genital intercourse with everyone I have feelings for.

That is different from the "until-death-do-us-part" connotation of love. That is why I prefer the word feelings (polyfeelery! :eek:). I have feelings for people I`ve had one night stands with and have never seen since. Those feelings change over time, and they are many.
 
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Quick side question, related to how we define sexual identities and orientations:

Is kinky an orientation? Identity? Sometimes both?
 
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