How to bring up the "I want a primary" convo

RedQ

New member
Ok, so like, we’ve been in a poly relationship for going on 1yr 1/2. When we first started and months in the relationship I kept telling her I don’t need anyone else, that having her *was enough, but now I feel like it isn’t enough and I want to have a second person myself. She is married, I’m her gf. We’ve always been very open about everything but I feel like telling her that I want a second person will someone damage the relationship? I don’t know if I’m confused right now, or what’s going on, but I feel like I want that new fling, new person but I just feel like she won’t be okay with it? She’s been in numerous poly relationships, this is my first. We did talk about it before, told her I might want someone but she was like “I don’t know how it’ll be, you’ll probably dedicate all your time to her and won’t show love to me”, something along those lines, cuz I’m a loving person at heart and will make sure you feel loved, but like her reaction isn’t one I was expecting. IDK, sometimes like when I don’t answer my phone she’s like totally thinking I’m cheating on her which has come to be a turn off. Or like she always says she wants me to go ahead and have fun with my guy friends yet the moment I do it always ends up getting her upset in some way. Like two weekends ago I went out with my friends and brought a new friend, gf couldn’t make it, and she was like “yea going out showing your new friend to them all, you must want something with her” etc. She makes me happy, she does but there is something missing, ya know? How can I approach this convo with her? All I need is advice and if ever you’ve been in this situation. Also, the sex life is not there much and to me sex plays a big part. I just want to do it every day.
 
Be up front and be honest about what you want.

You want to date a new person. I'm not hearing that you guys have agreed to "Closed" on your side of the V. So if you are giving her the heads up that you are going to exercise an option on your side of the V that you weren't exercising before? Fair enough. Let her know and move on to dating.

Expect this stuff to flare up some at the change. Maybe talk about it ahead of time:

  • She's afraid of how it will be after you start dating on your side.

  • She's afraid you’ll dedicate all your time to the new person (or get caught up in NRE)

  • She's afraid you "won’t show love to her” and take her for granted.

You can reassure her, and follow through.

But in the end? She has to decide if she wants to keep going with the poly relationship with you now dating other people or not.

And you have to decide if you want to keep going with the poly relationship with her without you seeing more people. It sounds like you don't want this option, so I grey it out.

These behaviors you dislike. Whether you start dating others or not to find your own poly partners? You could have been dealing with these things in the (you + her) layer already.

  • Her jumping to conclusions: If you don’t answer your phone she’s thinks you are out cheating on her.

  • Not being clear/expecting you to mind reader the "real" message: Says to go ahead and have fun with guy friends yet the moment you do she ends up upset.

  • Being suspicious of your new friends like you want to jump them or have a secret crush.

  • Mismatched sex drives.

If those are workable? Then bring these issues up and work them out.

If they are not? If they are at the deal breaker place? Part ways.

Sort it out.

Galagirl
 
Gala! As always, thank you for the reply.
Ever since the beginning she said she'd be okay with me having another person but as things progressed and I fell more deeply in love with her, I told her that she was my only one and that I'd never need anyone else. Months after, I did bring up the subject again, saying I'd probably would want to have a primary but it didn't really sound like she would be okay given all the reasons I said in my previous post. When we first started I did tell her my monogamous relationships always ended up with me cheating on my partners multiple times so that's where she kinda doubts me, but I've yet to cheat on her nor do I plan to do so. In a way, I feel like I want that primary person to go home to, like she does with her husband. I want to have that welcoming after a longs day work, or spend a whole week or weekend together, ya know?
I keep telling her that no other women I come across her will make my feelings towards her diminish, and it's true. I just want, and desire new passion. I want to date, have that rush again. But don't get me wrong, my day can be going horrible yet as soon as I see her smile everything seems well. I adore her and I don't think having a new person will change that. Same as it doesn't change the way she treats her husband and I.
All the points you gave about reassuring her are on point and I will definitely make sure of it. I'd really love for her to be okay with me finding a primary or else I really don't think this will last very much long despite how much I adore her.
I just told her I'm taking her out to dinner, needa find a good place were we can have a lengthy conversation about this all.

Thank you!
 
Good. Don't cheat, keep updating her on where you are at.

Before, you didn't want to date other people. Now you do.


I'd really love for her to be okay with me finding a primary or else I really don't think this will last very much long despite how much I adore her.

She's said she'd be ok in the past. Go have dinner and talk and see if that's still true or not.

I hope the talk is productive.

GL!
Galagirl
 
I'd like to ask you a question about the following statements of yours, RedQ:

I kept telling her I don’t need anyone else, that having her *was enough, but now I feel like it isn’t enough and I want to have a second person myself.

I feel like I want that new fling, new person but I just feel like she won’t be okay with it?

When we first started I did tell her my monogamous relationships always ended up with me cheating on my partners multiple times so that's where she kinda doubts me

no other women I come across her will make my feelings towards her diminish... I just want, and desire new passion. I want to date, have that rush again.

I'd really love for her to be okay with me finding a primary or else I really don't think this will last very much long despite how much I adore her.

While it's true you may be polyamorous by nature and just not have realised it until recently... could it also be true that you are an "NRE junkie" to some extent?

You admit that your previous mono relationship have always ended up with you cheating on your partner, not just once but "multiple times" - why is this?

Now, after only 1 and a half years with this girlfriend - a stage where, for many people, the "honeymoon period"/new relationship energy starts to wane - you've gone from declaring she is the only one for you, to knowing this relationship won't last long unless you are free to date and find another partner as well.

How can you be sure that, IF you find a compatible primary partner, you won't ALSO feel the need to find yet another partner after a year or two, just so that you can experience that giddy "rush" that comes with being with someone new?
 
Hi RedQ,
Have you had that convo with your girlfriend yet? If yes, how did it go?

I am guessing that she originally thought she could handle you seeing someone else, but now when it comes right down to it, she finds that she's not so thrilled with the idea. You may end up making some hard choices, or, maybe just taking things slow will allow her the time she needs to adjust.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
How can you be sure that, IF you find a compatible primary partner, you won't ALSO feel the need to find yet another partner after a year or two, just so that you can experience that giddy "rush" that comes with being with someone new?

I don't know how anyone can "be sure" that they won't feel a different way in the future. People change. But if in a few years RedQ does want to find another partner to experience NRE with again? Is that necessarily a bad thing? As long as she is not neglecting her established relationships - she may date a number of people before she finds the next "one", or the people she dates might have different availability, or maybe are looking for their own "primary" while leaving their options open to date others, or ... lots of things!

There is no rule in poly that you have to by "poly-saturated" at two! Not all relationships are destined to be primary. The end of a relationship does NOT mean that the relationship failed.
Many, many relationships never make it past the NRE stage - and that is not a terrible thing. To paraphrase GalaGirl - That is what dating is FOR!
 
It is a really, really bad idea to tell people you are okay with just them when the relationship already involves non monogamy.

Trust me, that was exactly how I was feeling in the beginning and she also said she'd be okay with me seeing other women. Feelings change unfortunately:/. But, I hear ya.
 
I'd like to ask you a question about the following statements of yours, RedQ:


While it's true you may be polyamorous by nature and just not have realised it until recently... could it also be true that you are an "NRE junkie" to some extent?

You admit that your previous mono relationship have always ended up with you cheating on your partner, not just once but "multiple times" - why is this?

Now, after only 1 and a half years with this girlfriend - a stage where, for many people, the "honeymoon period"/new relationship energy starts to wane - you've gone from declaring she is the only one for you, to knowing this relationship won't last long unless you are free to date and find another partner as well.

How can you be sure that, IF you find a compatible primary partner, you won't ALSO feel the need to find yet another partner after a year or two, just so that you can experience that giddy "rush" that comes with being with someone new?

Well now you left me thinking. I must be an NRE junkie where I desire that new passion, love, desire, although I'm so happy with my current. Now it scares me that even after having the new person I'll end up wanting another one in the near future. Who knows:/. I cheated like 10+ times in my one 5 year relationship :/. Again, I don't really know if I'll end up needing someone else after my new one. There's always a void after a while yet I still love the person who I'm with and treat them so well.
 
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I want to break these out properly.
  • There is no rule in poly that you have to by "poly-saturated" at two!
  • Not all relationships are destined to be primary.
  • The end of a relationship does NOT mean that the relationship failed.
  • Many, many relationships never make it past the NRE stage - and that is not a terrible thing.
All excellent points -- if up to me, they'd be at the top of a FAQ.

But there's plenty of people who would disagree with each, maybe all. Consider how many attempts to define "polyamory" need to wedge in clauses about how it excludes intimacy that isn't committed or serious enough, so maybe a dynamic network of FWBs doesn't qualify. As well, past experience means nothing: one is either riding the Escalator, or not.

In the minds of many, "true polyamory" is marriage with more people & unless that is the objective, it's just f-cking around.

(Actually, it doesn't even need to be a realistic goal, just a tenet of the Faith. Therefore, someone who has never actually tried to have more than one simultaneous intimate relationship can thereby be validated as "being poly" & freely invalidate anyone who's living nonmonogamously but not "serious" because not on the Escalator.)

Over the years, I've seen online "poly" people form angry knots that damn anything non-Escalator as "neglectful," as "abusive," even as "sex addicted." In real-world discussions, conversation is constantly turned back to cohabitation, "sharing kids," "the need to legalize poly marriage," having one bed big enough for everyone, commingling finances, & signing legal paperwork, all of which mean little to many of the people living lives of responsible nonmonogamy, but are central to the concept of "marriage with more people."
 
Hi RedQ,
Have you had that convo with your girlfriend yet? If yes, how did it go?

I am guessing that she originally thought she could handle you seeing someone else, but now when it comes right down to it, she finds that she's not so thrilled with the idea. You may end up making some hard choices, or, maybe just taking things slow will allow her the time she needs to adjust.

I hope the two of you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.


I have the two options which is to open up to her and tell her exactly how I'm feeling because I dont want to live an unhappy life and ease her in to seeing me with someone new. Let me rephrase, though, I'd say I dont feel complete, not entirely unhappy. She even messaged me after an argument that she hasnt laid eyes on anyone else ever since she met me and that she doesnt and says she doesnt plan or wants to find anyone if I ever leave her (I'm sure that's pure BS that all people say while in a relationship). But yea. The other option is to break up and let it go for good, I really want to try option 1 first.

I couldn't talk to her this weekend cuz she had a death in the family so right now I need to make sure she is okay and be supportive in every way possible but the conversation will happen.

Thank you!
 
No problem, sorry to hear about the death in the family.
 
Ok, so like, we’ve been in a poly relationship for going on 1yr 1/2... I kept telling her I don’t need anyone else, but now I feel like I want to have a second person myself... I feel like I want that new fling

Months after, I did bring up the subject again, saying I'd probably would want to have a primary.

my monogamous relationships always ended up with me cheating on my partners multiple times... I feel like I want that primary person to go home to

I cheated like 10+ times in my one 5 year relationship [/B]:/. Again, I don't really know if I'll end up needing someone else after my new one. There's always a void after a while yet I still love the person who I'm with and treat them so well.

Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
<<<How can you be sure that, IF you find a compatible primary partner, you won't ALSO feel the need to find yet another partner after a year or two, just so that you can experience that giddy "rush" that comes with being with someone new?>>>

I don't know how anyone can "be sure" that they won't feel a different way in the future. People change. But if in a few years RedQ does want to find another partner to experience NRE with again? Is that necessarily a bad thing? There is no rule in poly that you have to by "poly-saturated" at two! Not all relationships are destined to be primary.

In the minds of many, "true polyamory" is marriage with more people & unless that is the objective, it's just f-cking around.
Over the years, I've seen online "poly" people form angry knots that damn anything non-Escalator as "neglectful," as "abusive," even as "sex addicted."


I think you both misunderstood or misconstrued the nature of my question to RedQ.

It's my understanding that RedQ has never been in an ethically polyamorous relationship before now, and even in her current circumstance, it's her girlfriend who is actively poly, while (thus far) Red is still contemplating whether or not to seek another partner.

She admits to having cheated multiple times in past mono relationships - which could indicate a polygamous orientation (for want of a better term) - but ALSO admits the reason she cheated (and one of the reasons she now seeks a "new fling") is because she desires that NRE rush and always feels there is something missing (a "void") in her relationships after a relatively short time has elapsed.

This may or may not be a problem, except that RedQ also states she's looking for a "primary" partner... someone to come home to. This desire for a primary may be at odds with her past history of seeking that NRE rush that comes with a new and unfamiliar partner.

Well now you left me thinking. I must be an NRE junkie where I desire that new passion, love, desire, although I'm so happy with my current. Now it scares me that even after having the new person I'll end up wanting another one in the near future. Who knows:/.



I don't think you should be scared, RedQ. However, I DO think you need to think deeply, and really consider WHAT you want/need out of relationships in general... and the reasons WHY you regularly seek new sexual partners only a few months, or a year into a relationship.

Be honest with yourself, and then convey your needs and wants to your current partner - and any future partners - in as clear a fashion as possible.

It may be, as Jane and Ravenscoft pointed out, that you are not cut out for a "primary/secondary" or "committed/escalator" type poly structure. You may be an "NRE junkie"... OR you may need several partners to satisfy differing needs... OR you may be more of a relationship anarchist/solo poly type.

You may discover you'd be better off NOT committing to someone, or making big romantic declarations until at least 2-3 years have passed (when NRE has worn off for most people). It may be wiser for you to ease into poly by starting with casual sex partners/FWBs, without immediately seeking a "primary" or heavily committed relationship that you suspect won't stay that way due to past history.

Just food for thought.
 
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I do think it's harsh to equate common "falling in love" behaviors/feelings with being an "NRE junkie."

Back in the '80s, I heard of a paper discussing cases where the subject would abandon their life -- job, apartment, family -- & disappear off to some Caribbean resort, returning broke & resmorseful, only to do it again a year or two later. The author noted how this resembled the binge/regret lapses of a type of "recovering" cocaine addict, & referred to "love addiction."

Without such a huge swing, I wouldn't compare every desire for NRE to addiction. There seem to be plenty of monogamous dyads where a partner tolerates occasional lapses, confident it's temporary.

I'd think that nonmonogamy would offer even more leeway for this. It might not be the desire for NRE that's the problem, rather the expectation that everyone somehow needs to focus on creating long-term stable relationships. There could be a middle ground, like instead finding someone "to come home to" who accepts that this need might continue.

As well, there are people so fearful of being abandoned that they tend to push others away, maybe abandon them preemptively.

It's not a disorder unless it's causing problems. If it's causing problems, then a therapist is invaluable, first to sort out what's actually going on, then to seek for potential solutions.
 
I don't know how anyone can "be sure" that they won't feel a different way in the future. People change. But if in a few years RedQ does want to find another partner to experience NRE with again? Is that necessarily a bad thing? As long as she is not neglecting her established relationships - she may date a number of people before she finds the next "one", or the people she dates might have different availability, or maybe are looking for their own "primary" while leaving their options open to date others, or ... lots of things!

There is no rule in poly that you have to by "poly-saturated" at two! Not all relationships are destined to be primary. The end of a relationship does NOT mean that the relationship failed.
Many, many relationships never make it past the NRE stage - and that is not a terrible thing. To paraphrase GalaGirl - That is what dating is FOR!

I will never neglect my current relationship. I adore her dearly. A thing about her that if my day is going horribly bad just looking at her smile brightens my day. I have a question, though, do you think there are people out there that will want to be with someone poly while they are mono? Am I being selfish wanting to find such thing?
Thank you for your reply.
 
I don't know how anyone can "be sure" that they won't feel a different way in the future. People change. But if in a few years RedQ does want to find another partner to experience NRE with again? Is that necessarily a bad thing? As long as she is not neglecting her established relationships - she may date a number of people before she finds the next "one", or the people she dates might have different availability, or maybe are looking for their own "primary" while leaving their options open to date others, or ... lots of things!

There is no rule in poly that you have to by "poly-saturated" at two! Not all relationships are destined to be primary. The end of a relationship does NOT mean that the relationship failed.
Many, many relationships never make it past the NRE stage - and that is not a terrible thing. To paraphrase GalaGirl - That is what dating is FOR!

No problem, sorry to hear about the death in the family.

Thank you...
 
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
<<<How can you be sure that, IF you find a compatible primary partner, you won't ALSO feel the need to find yet another partner after a year or two, just so that you can experience that giddy "rush" that comes with being with someone new?>>>






I think you both misunderstood or misconstrued the nature of my question to RedQ.

It's my understanding that RedQ has never been in an ethically polyamorous relationship before now, and even in her current circumstance, it's her girlfriend who is actively poly, while (thus far) Red is still contemplating whether or not to seek another partner.

She admits to having cheated multiple times in past mono relationships - which could indicate a polygamous orientation (for want of a better term) - but ALSO admits the reason she cheated (and one of the reasons she now seeks a "new fling") is because she desires that NRE rush and always feels there is something missing (a "void") in her relationships after a relatively short time has elapsed.

This may or may not be a problem, except that RedQ also states she's looking for a "primary" partner... someone to come home to. This desire for a primary may be at odds with her past history of seeking that NRE rush that comes with a new and unfamiliar partner.




I don't think you should be scared, RedQ. However, I DO think you need to think deeply, and really consider WHAT you want/need out of relationships in general... and the reasons WHY you regularly seek new sexual partners only a few months, or a year into a relationship.

Be honest with yourself, and then convey your needs and wants to your current partner - and any future partners - in as clear a fashion as possible.

It may be, as Jane and Ravenscoft pointed out, that you are not cut out for a "primary/secondary" or "committed/escalator" type poly structure. You may be an "NRE junkie"... OR you may need several partners to satisfy differing needs... OR you may be more of a relationship anarchist/solo poly type.

You may discover you'd be better off NOT committing to someone, or making big romantic declarations until at least 2-3 years have passed (when NRE has worn off for most people). It may be wiser for you to ease into poly by starting with casual sex partners/FWBs, without immediately seeking a "primary" or heavily committed relationship that you suspect won't stay that way due to past history.

Just food for thought.

I am actually contemplating because, again, I want to have that one person to go to after a long day. I desire that passion. Love. TLC. Right now it’s pretty hard to have that with boo, she’s just way too busy with work and well I need attention, love, care, sex. Makes me believe I’m a bad person but trust me, I’m still here, patient because I adore her truly and want things to work and hopefully she is okay with me looking for that primary, heck, wait, I dont want to call the other primary cuz they will both hold the same value in my life. Yes, I do desire that new NRE, but a part of me just wants to feel whole. IDK. It’s hard to explain. But who know, maybe I will need that new person after I find this new person. IDK. I’m at loss of words right now. I will not cheat on my current boo, though. Something about her that I don't want to, which is why I want to talk to her.
 
I don't think you should be scared, RedQ. However, I DO think you need to think deeply, and really consider WHAT you want/need out of relationships in general... and the reasons WHY you regularly seek new sexual partners only a few months, or a year into a relationship.

Be honest with yourself, and then convey your needs and wants to your current partner - and any future partners - in as clear a fashion as possible.

It may be, as Jane and Ravenscoft pointed out, that you are not cut out for a "primary/secondary" or "committed/escalator" type poly structure. You may be an "NRE junkie"... OR you may need several partners to satisfy differing needs... OR you may be more of a relationship anarchist/solo poly type.

You may discover you'd be better off NOT committing to someone, or making big romantic declarations until at least 2-3 years have passed (when NRE has worn off for most people). It may be wiser for you to ease into poly by starting with casual sex partners/FWBs, without immediately seeking a "primary" or heavily committed relationship that you suspect won't stay that way due to past history.

Just food for thought.

Sorry, missed out on the second part of it. The honest truth is that every time I seek a out of my relationships is when something is missing, the moment I feel something is wrong I tend to want something new :|. But I will sit down and really think about what you’ve said. I greatly appreciate your response. I do want to commit, though. I do want to have that one person who will rock my world, who I can run to after a long day of work and just cuddle with at night. I’ve always been a hopeless romantic ugh. I can’t do casual sex, though. I did cheat on my past relationships but it was after having to know the person and getting that “oh my gosh this woman is amazing” type of feeling that I would cheat.
 
I do think it's harsh to equate common "falling in love" behaviors/feelings with being an "NRE junkie."

Back in the '80s, I heard of a paper discussing cases where the subject would abandon their life -- job, apartment, family -- & disappear off to some Caribbean resort, returning broke & resmorseful, only to do it again a year or two later. The author noted how this resembled the binge/regret lapses of a type of "recovering" cocaine addict, & referred to "love addiction."

Without such a huge swing, I wouldn't compare every desire for NRE to addiction. There seem to be plenty of monogamous dyads where a partner tolerates occasional lapses, confident it's temporary.

I'd think that nonmonogamy would offer even more leeway for this. It might not be the desire for NRE that's the problem, rather the expectation that everyone somehow needs to focus on creating long-term stable relationships. There could be a middle ground, like instead finding someone "to come home to" who accepts that this need might continue.

As well, there are people so fearful of being abandoned that they tend to push others away, maybe abandon them preemptively.

It's not a disorder unless it's causing problems. If it's causing problems, then a therapist is invaluable, first to sort out what's actually going on, then to seek for potential solutions.

I am addicted to love, then :|. So, I should find someone who will understand I will probably need to find someone new again in the near future? I don’t know. I honestly do not know. I mean, I’m a grown ass woman, good career, good family background, parents married for a long time now, like why can’t I just settle with one? Kinda frustrating. In a way I also envy, not jealous, but I envy that every time she gets pissed of at me she just blows me off because well, she can always go back to the hubby while I’m here like “hello?”. Like I want to have regular dates with someone, not always surrounded by the hubby. I don’t want to sleep in the same bed anymore so I haven’t done so. Never have we had sex together nor I plan to do so. So I can give them their time while I have my own time with my new woman. I want all that new date excitement. I will treat them both equally and that is what I think she is scared about.
 
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