Poly sexual dysfunction

Dustytx

Member
I find myself with a conundrum. I love T (husband) I love B (lover) but I have issues not being turned on by T while B drives me wild. Once the act is taking place I function just fine with T. I enjoy our foreplay & touching I just don't have the sexual response to him that he would like. I think part of it extends from hurt feelings due to rejection. For most of our marriage we were doing well to have sex 3 times a year. We went 2 years without sex before I took action on our open marriage. We had talked about it several times & he had given consent so I wasn't cheating when I did take a lover. Fast forward to the last 6 months when we've had more sex than we had for the last 12 years. It's great once the act is in progress.
This past weekend B & his wife stayed with us to work on some projects around the house. B & I slept in the guest room while T & B's wife took our bedroom. T & wife (C) apparently had amazing sex during which she had a response she hadn't had in years. T & B took some time to sit down & talk about our relationships. That went well & B is thrilled that T & C have rediscovered passions together as he & I have. The issue is that T tried to initiate sex with me this morning & my lack of response left him hurt & frustrated. Again, I thoroughly enjoyed the physical contact but didn't respond to his expectations. I feel terrible that it leaves him feeling inadequate but at the same time I can't force a physical response. I'm just unsure as to where this leaves me. I hate that this is hurting him.
 
I think all you can do is to reiterate that you enjoy it. He's making comparisons - as are you - between yourself and your boyfriend, and him and his girlfriend, and there's no good outcome to that mode of thought. If you and he *are* to make comparisons, it should only be to your own sex-life with each other, which by the sounds of it has come on leaps and bounds from where it was six months ago. I'd reiterate that point as well.

The more you focus on it, the bigger an issue it becomes. The point of sex with a loved one is not to continually have the most mind-blowing sex possible - it's to connect, and enjoy, and explore. I can totally imagine how having an expectation of a particular response could get in the way of that. When there's no history of things going wrong sexually between a couple, it's easy to get into a headspace whereby both partners are fully relaxed and the sex flows naturally. I think this is all that's happening here. If you take the pressure of comparison away, and don't conflate physical response with amount of love/caring, it may well just let you both relax enough to actually get there. But even if you never get there, the point is still that you enjoy the contact and the experience, and love him anyway, right? I'd say keep offering the verbal reassurance, keep being affectionate and warm towards him, and hopefully it will eventually click that he has a pretty awesome thing going with you and doesn't need to fear that what you have with boyfriend or what he has with girlfriend is anything to worry about.
 
I wonder how long you have been with your husband? Why did you get to the point of having sex so infrequently? Were you both busy with jobs, kids, illness, financial stress? Something else?

There is no denying the fact that shagging someone brand new can cause extra arousal and excitement. It is also a fact that either partner in a LTR getting a new partner can cause renewed sexual frequency between the established partners. Hormones are stirred up by NRE (new relationship energy), that often spill over.

So, both the women in your scenario have had more orgasms with their new guys than they have had with their long term partners lately. And your husband wishes he could get you to cum more (or at all) now that he's enjoying his new partner's orgasms?

As you said, you had much disappointment over lack of sex for many years. So, there is an emotional component to your lack of orgasm. Also, maybe your new bf has certain techniques that drive you over the edge.

Then again, it just might be NRE. Just the variety alone can make sex with a new person more arousing, even if both partners have good sexual technique.
 
Go read 'Come as You Are' by Emily Nagoski, like right now. Seriously. It's in libraries and is also not an expensive book to buy.

She explains that sexual desire is structured by things that pull us towards feeling and acting on sexual desire (accelerators) and things that push against acting on sexual desire (brakes). Everyone is a unique combination of accelerators and brakes.

I mention this because you and your husband have been in a long term pattern of 'braking' and the two of you are now changing that pattern. However, the same things that 'braked' you and him are likely still there. That may be why you are fine once things get going sexually with your husband but you don't respond to him excitedly when he initiates.

Go read it. I promise it will help you understand your sexual desire and dynamics better. If he reads it too, which is ideal, it can really help you two find a satisfying sexual dynamic where no one feels put out or rejected.

It's not a silver bullet but I found it immensely helpful in framing how I thought about desire.
 
I orgasm with both of them, I just don't get wet for T while B has me dripping. I don't think anyone in the relationship is threatened by the presence of the others & in fact this has benefited everyone from a physical standpoint. Thank you for the recommended reading material I do agree that most of this is caused by years of hurt. Not that I'm trying to get even but even though T & I have come a long way we have a journey ahead of us still.
 
So all it is, is your husband knows you get wetter for your bf than for him? How does he even know this? Did you overshare that? Did it come up when the men talked, or when all four people talked? Might not want to share things like that in the future.

Did you and T have any marital counseling, and therefore feel prepared for the emotions around opening your relationship? Did you read any of the books about polyamory, or look at the More Than Two website?

It's hard not to compare and get jealous when one is newly polyamorous. Men especially, seem to worry that their female partner will prefer the sexual technique of the other guy more, or that the other guy will be better endowed, and therefore, of course! she will leave him for the new guy...

Admittedly, if the sex between you two was basically non-existent for years, I can see him having this fear. But it's too bad he's not happy the frequency of the sex you two are now having has increased, even if you don't lubricate for him as much as for new guy. You can try telling him it's just the infatuation, and your extreme excitement is caused by the newness and lack of baggage between you and your lover.

I'd wager a guess he might get harder more easily, or cum harder, or more freqently, for his new unfamiliar lover, your lover's wife, than he does for you. heh;)
 
So all it is, is your husband knows you get wetter for your bf than for him? How does he even know this? Did you overshare that? Did it come up when the men talked, or when all four people talked? Might not want to share things like that in the future.

Did you and T have any marital counseling, and therefore feel prepared for the emotions around opening your relationship? Did you read any of the books about polyamory, or look at the More Than Two website?

It's hard not to compare and get jealous when one is newly polyamorous. Men especially, seem to worry that their female partner will prefer the sexual technique of the other guy more, or that the other guy will be better endowed, and therefore, of course! she will leave him for the new guy...

Admittedly, if the sex between you two was basically non-existent for years, I can see him having this fear. But it's too bad he's not happy the frequency of the sex you two are now having has increased, even if you don't lubricate for him as much as for new guy. You can try telling him it's just the infatuation, and your extreme excitement is caused by the newness and lack of baggage between you and your lover.

I'd wager a guess he might get harder more easily, or cum harder, or more freqently, for his new unfamiliar lover, your lover's wife, than he does for you. heh;)

The subject of arousal came up back in May after B & I got together. It came to a head for T & I & he point blank asked if I had finally taken a lover. It wasn't that I specifically said "He gets me wet & you don't." It was more that I wasn't able to hide not being particularly prepared. I found the "More than Two" site after T brought it to my attention that B & I had become more than FB or FWB. T did extensive research on his own to understand poly & process his emotions. We have not sought counseling specifically for this issue but did attend counseling for some prior issues. Neither of us was particularly helped by the counseling at that time. I am thinking of seeking counseling now to try & process the baggage/blocks that may be causing my issues with T as far as arousal goes. We definitely have more open & honest communication now then we've had previously.

I'm pretty sure T is not threatened on the size front as we've been together at a nudist resort & we had sex with our respective spouses but were all together. I have been & will continue to offer reassurance to T. I don't compare them. It's not that either one is better in bed or that I compare them. Each meet different personal needs for me & I love both.
 
You know your body but do you know that wetness is not an automatic sign of arousal? It certainly can be and often is but women can be aroused without being wet and be wet without being sexually aroused. Just because you are not wet with your husband right away (sounds like you do get wet with him eventually?) does not mean he doesn't arouse you. I've found personally that wetness correlates with newness. The less I know a partner the wetter I am. Maybe this can help reframe how you think about your arousal?
 
The subject of arousal came up back in May after B & I got together. It came to a head for T & I & he point blank asked if I had finally taken a lover. It wasn't that I specifically said "He gets me wet & you don't." It was more that I wasn't able to hide not being particularly prepared.

So you used to get wet right away for your husband, on the extremely infrequent occasions you had sex, but then once you got a bf, you no longer got wet as easily for your husband? Also, he had to ask point blank if you'd taken a lover? You didn't tell him what was developing as it happened?

I am sorry to harp on the wetness issue. I'm not trying to be a pest, lol, I just still don't understand how it came up between you, and why it matters. Like Opal asked, you do eventually get wet, engorged? And you do orgasm. So why does extreme immediate wetness matter?
I'm pretty sure T is not threatened on the size front as we've been together at a nudist resort & we had sex with our respective spouses but were all together.

So, you two couples have had sex in the same room, cabin, tent, woodland glade, and your husband has seen your bf's erect dick and it's smaller than his. Whew. At least that isn't a problem! ;)
I have been & will continue to offer reassurance to T. I don't compare them. It's not that either one is better in bed or that I compare them. Each meet different personal needs for me & I love both.

This of course, is the crux of polyamory, but a hard concept to grasp in our culture. Also, he's shagging the wife of your bf, does that help? Or is their relationship less exciting or casual than what you and your bf have, so it actually instead adds to the stress for your h? Quads can be verrry tricky.
 
Magdlyn,

The lack of arousal was an issue for about 3 years prior to our 2 year dry spell. I feel like the issue stems from a place where I felt very rejected. I lost my sexy & blamed myself. Attempts to communicate my feelings/needs fell on deaf ears in my perception during those years. I love T & chose him & to remain with him. I tried to make myself fit into what i thought was a "good wife." I intentionally avoided putting myself in a situation where I would be tempted to cheat. I sacrificed my own happiness in doing so & somewhere along the way lost who I was.
Yes the 4 of us have traveled together & he's seen bf's erect dick but I'm sure he wasn't trying to look at it. Bf is heteroflexible while hubby is very straight.
T & C's relationship is more casual at this point. Yes I had permission to take a lover but we were stumbling through open marriage at that point. Not that we're experts by any means as we're all finding our way.

B & I are very similar & it is the same for T & C. So opposites attract & as far as married couples we keep each other balanced. Needs not previously met are now being met in an environment of mutual respect & communication. I can certainly see how a quad is difficult. C & I had bumps along the way prior to the two of them meeting T due to previous bad experiences in their marriage where GFs of B schemed & sought to have him choose them over her. I've never sought to change him or try to come between them. I respect their boundaries & relationship as B respects mine & T's.

It all sounds so complicated lol
 
Oh & the relationship between T & C being FWB vs something more serious doesn't appear to be more stressful on T. It may develop into more but only time will tell. They care for each other & spend time together apart from B & I which we are perfectly fine with. No one expected that they would become so close & it has developed very organically. Who knows where it will lead but both are showing positive changes in their level of self care.
 
Well, it sounds like you've made some good decisions about being true to yourself, and it is benefitting all 4 of you. The so-called lack of arousal is a symptom of certain things that need to be worked on.

"Trying to be a good wife" for many years, as if that was a role you were playing and not really who you are, I think that is common. One can be a good wife or gf and still be oneself! Might not be a typical housewife. Might be kind of a slut, hehe, and that's OK.
 
We have had something similar. When I had a gf, she and I were wild, she was uninhibited compared to Dani, She would ask me what I wanted her wear when we met... a T shirt and flip flops, and they were off in minutes, she was fine being naked in my truck. She was not my first gf like that. I wonder if she was intimidated? But when she got a bf, she gets a little wilder, wet, and wants it. At this point it is once in a while, she is allowed to at anytime to do it with him. We do miss our old 3somes, but times and work are making that hard.
Our sex is around our life and work, she gets playful but truck sex and her work sex (she is the only one there) rarely happens. I think we have have fallen into a pattern and it overwhelms us.
Her getting excited more for the other guy is a little unnerving, but I look at the overall picture. Sometimes you have to do what is necessary to keep going. After 19 years, life fets matter of fact and new gets wild
 
Hi Dustytx,

I have to agree that T is making an overly big deal about how, how fast, and how much you get aroused. I myself have an "arousal delay" during sex, in fact, I experience anxiety just before sex and it takes a few minutes for the anxiety to go away. But the point is, it does go away, I do get aroused, and so ... what's the problem? (My partner has no difficulties with her own arousal. Nor does she mind my initial difficulties. She's patient.)

And besides, even if it were a problem, it's like you said: How are you supposed to force a physical response within yourself? I'm thinking T should do a little more of counting his blessings, first that you do get aroused for him, second that you and he are having much more sex with each other than previously. That's not a problem, that's a blessing.

You mentioned going into counseling again, and I would suggest a sex therapist if you can get one. Such a therapist would know how to enhance a physical response in you, if anyone would know that. But I'm sure you're right that there's also some hurt feelings lurking under your subdued response to T. The only cure for that is time -- and better behavior on T's part.

Such are some of my opinions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Back
Top