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Old 07-28-2016, 02:20 AM
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Default In your own words, Poly or Fuck Buddy ?

Please, if you can, in your own words ....

Define what is the difference between a friendship/fuck buddy relationship and a polyamorous relationship ?

While we're at it ... you can just fill in between the lines.

DEFINE: HOOK-UP (what does that look like?):

DEFINE: FUCK-BUDDY (what does THAT look like?):

DEFINE: Primary Poly Relationship ...

DEFINE: Secondary Poly Relationship
...

and so on with whatever else may fit in between those defined lines ...
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Old 07-28-2016, 02:25 AM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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Search is your friend! Click the word 'Search' up above and to the right. Select tag search and enter the terms you listed here. You will find a wealth of discussion of these terms and similar here.

Also Google is your friend here too. There are many blogs with helpful discussion of these terms.

What you will find is that there is no set definition of any of these - it will vary, often dramatically, from person to person.

So what matters is how you define them.
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Old 07-28-2016, 02:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by opalescent View Post
Search is your friend! Click the word 'Search' up above and to the right. Select tag search and enter the terms you listed here. You will find a wealth of discussion of these terms and similar here.

Also Google is your friend here too. There are many blogs with helpful discussion of these terms.

What you will find is that there is no set definition of any of these - it will vary, often dramatically, from person to person.

So what matters is how you define them.
Thank you! However I was looking for the temperature of the boards here. Like, the people who are active enough to give feedback, what are THEIR perspectives on the subject in casual terms.


I hope that's not a bother!

It was just a curiosity if I'm lingering here ya know
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Old 07-28-2016, 06:55 PM
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DEFINE: HOOK-UP (what does that look like?): One time sex with a random dude or a friend.

DEFINE: FUCK-BUDDY (what does THAT look like?): Someone I see regularly for sex. Friendly, we enjoy each other, but no serious relationship.

DEFINE: Primary Poly Relationship ... Someone I love and care about, that I consider a partner. We live together, or spend a regular enough amount of time together to meet primary needs. The majority of sexual, financial, companionship and time resources are reserved for this relationship. You've got my back, no matter what. I trust you.

DEFINE: Secondary Poly Relationship ... Someone I love and care about, but not someone I consider a partner. There is no long term planning involved in the relationship, and the person is not intertwined with me - resources are not shared, and I would not look to them to meet my needs on a day-to-day basis.
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Old 07-28-2016, 08:00 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluebird View Post
DEFINE: HOOK-UP (what does that look like?): One time sex with a random dude or a friend.

DEFINE: FUCK-BUDDY (what does THAT look like?): Someone I see regularly for sex. Friendly, we enjoy each other, but no serious relationship.

DEFINE: Primary Poly Relationship ... Someone I love and care about, that I consider a partner. We live together, or spend a regular enough amount of time together to meet primary needs. The majority of sexual, financial, companionship and time resources are reserved for this relationship. You've got my back, no matter what. I trust you.

DEFINE: Secondary Poly Relationship ... Someone I love and care about, but not someone I consider a partner. There is no long term planning involved in the relationship, and the person is not intertwined with me - resources are not shared, and I would not look to them to meet my needs on a day-to-day basis.
This VERY much jives with me! Thank you
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Old 07-28-2016, 08:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by clemenC View Post
Please, if you can, in your own words ....

Define what is the difference between a friendship/fuck buddy relationship and a polyamorous relationship ?

While we're at it ... you can just fill in between the lines.

DEFINE: HOOK-UP (what does that look like?):
I'm ok with sharing sex upon very short acquaintance with no relationship expectations. It is fine if I never see the person again. I might go home with someone I just met somewhere, or find someone online. Extremely casual, NSA. Also, people who are friends, but have sex once and then never again and decide that ONLY friends is better, "hooked up" once. No expectation of a repeat.

Quote:
DEFINE: FUCK-BUDDY (what does THAT look like?):
"Booty call" status where there is some ongoing communication, but no relationship expectations. Example, a fling I had last year, the Worm King, if he invited me over, the expectation and pattern every single time, was we'd talk, drink tea, maybe eat, and sex would happen, and usually I'd go home though I spent the night once or twice. Sex was the point and the purpose of our interactions. We never saw one another otherwise. We had a bit of friendship (conversations) but pretty much only because we wanted to have sex with each other.

Adding a category: FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS: This category is heavier on the friendship, and the friendship is considered more important than sex, but people have one another's general sexual consent and the option is open. Can be very close and enduring friendship. However I have found that with more narrow minded folks subject to cultural assumptions, once a person who does FWB gets into a mono relationship, they drop contact with former FWB. New partner is usually uncomfortable, or would be hinge type person doesn't want new partner to feel jealous. This need not happen (in my opinion) with openminded people who trust each other, though. The benefits could drop off and the friendship continue.

Quote:
DEFINE: Primary Poly Relationship ...

DEFINE: Secondary Poly Relationship
...
Assuming a person is doing hierarchy, which not all do... The Primary is the main relationship, likely a spouse or "nesting" partner (living together) subject to a greater expectation of permanence and entanglement. The Primary usually gets certain assurances that Secondaries will not threaten the Primary relationship. Sometimes there is veto power, where the Primary can tell the Hinge to stop seeing a Secondary.

The Secondary is an additional, non-Primary partner of some sort. Might be in relationships with a Primary couple (unicorn) or might be only with one of the two. Might move in and live with them, or not (solo poly.) This works best for independent solo poly types who prefer no entanglement (moving in, having kids, marriage) and want to enjoy the feeling of a relationship without the pressure of expectations to step up life commitments.

The hierarchical model with Primaries and Secondaries is often criticized as being highly unfair to Secondaries especially. (Look up terms "unicorn", "unicorn hunter" and "couple privilege.") However, I think that if people involved are clear and in agreement about desires and expectations and needs, and good at communicating so that terms can be renegotiated if necessary...there is nothing wrong with doing hierarchy, if hierarchy is right for you.

Quote:
and so on with whatever else may fit in between those defined lines ...
A few other relationship structures/helpful terms:

Solo poly: Your mythical unicorn, the poly person who is willing to do multiple relationships, but chooses to live alone and doesn't seek a partner with whom to entangle life logistics, marry, have kids, etc.

Relationship Anarchy: A poly person who reserves the right to place any level of investment in any kind of relationship and who rejects the "rules" or expectations of what different roles are supposed to entail. A friend might be a partner who lives with them, a spouse might not be a sex partner, and lovers might rank lower than all...there is NO hierarchy. Levels of loyalty and commitment and emotional attachment are not related to the relationship label that a person in one's life bears. RA's kind of make it up as they go.

Egalitarian Poly: The kind of poly where participants intend and act to make all partners "equal." It can be functionally difficult to accomplish in most poly groups that start with an existing couple and open to include more.

One question that someone once said, to illustrate if one is really doing egalitarian poly or not, is:

Let's say you're married and one spouse is military or has a high earning career, and is relocated to a new place far from the original home. The other spouse in most marriages, will go along with. Kids or no kids, they'll usually relocate to be with the spouse who had to move. If there is a "third" who is theoretically supposed to be "equal" then questions like:

Would they also move with the couple?
What if they were the big earner or military and they moved, would the couple go with?

A no answer to either of these questions tends to show up a lesser degree of committed entanglement with the life of the "third" and a likelihood that they are at least partially secondary, even if they aren't treated as inferior. Which is fine. But good to be aware of.
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Old 07-28-2016, 08:56 PM
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I try to practice Eglatarian Poly. Yes, we would all move, regardless of who "had to" move. Thankfully, that is easier for us since DarkKnight works from home and can actually live globally, and PunkRock has a job at a big box hardware store that can transfer anyplace, really. If for some reason he couldn't transfer, he'd quit. I am a trophy wife who runs high school science classes for homeschooled children, which is less portable since I have a clientele built up, but I could do it. And would do it.

My boyfriend...I don't know. He pressed for primary status almost immediately, but now he is out of sorts with himself and with our relationship. We are a year in. My V is planning on moving next Spring, and he is conflicted about how he fits into that. He was looking to change jobs recently, and became wonky when he realized we'd all move to whatever worked for him. It's like, the commitment we were willing to make was too much for him. I am not sure where we are at, even though we do all cohabitate. Right now I have pulled back and I don't consider him a primary any longer. The trust is gone. We are in therapy, but I am questioning whether things will work. I don't want a long distance primary, and I definitely won't even consider a long distance secondary. So I am trying to figure out if he fits me at all anymore.
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Old 07-29-2016, 12:44 AM
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Hi clemenC,

The biggest difference between a polyamorous partner and a fuck buddy has to do with the level of emotional involvement. One's feelings for a fuck buddy are relatively casual, whereas one is deeply involved with a polyamorous partner.

Hook-up = a casual single sexual encounter. Not a part of one's polyamorous relationships.

Fuck buddy = a casual periodic sexual partner. Little or no emotional involvement.

Primary poly relationship = the level of involvement one would typically have with one's spouse.

Secondary poly relationship = more like the level of "just dating" someone.

FWB = Friend With Benefits, sort of like a fuck buddy but with more emotional involvement. Some people say FWB relationships are poly, others say there's not enough emotional involvement for that.

Solo poly = single and not living with anyone, but dating multiple people.

Relationship anarchy = the absence of rules and labels in one's relationships.

Egalitarian poly = all of the people in the poly unit get an equal say.

Hope that helps!
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 07-29-2016, 03:07 AM
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Thank you SO much for all the replies! It does help and I appreciate the clarification, especially the terms to look up for more info @Spork !
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Old 07-29-2016, 03:56 AM
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There are several very long threads with these definitions and thoughtful discussion about the terms here already.

And of course, all posts in those threads would be reflective of the perspectives of any members who actively participated at that time. We have thousands of members here, and only a fraction of them post publicly and/or regularly.

It is always best to do a search first, and it's perfectly okay to add to older threads.
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