New to polyamory

Pollly3

New member
Hi everyone,
I am relatively new to the poly scene even though I suspect that I was always this way; a couple of years ago I was due to marry my man after being together for 14 years, a few month before the wedding he dropped a bomb shell and we broke up. I had become friends with a couple and we got on really well but it was only when my relationship fell apart that they let me know that they were interested in a relationship with me; I have always been the type of person who would try something at least once, but did and had my eureka moment.
I now know that I am poly and have no intention of going back to monogamy but I am finding it difficult because I don't know how to fit into an already established relationship. I hope I can get some good advise from anyone who has an opinion.

Thanks Pollly3
 
Greetings Pollly3,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry to hear your wedding didn't work out. What happened with that couple you were having a relationship with; are you still with them?

I think that fitting into an already established relationship is a matter of time, patience, practice ... Trial and error are musts. You have to find your niche within the established relationship; you can't suddenly feel as comfortable in it as the established partners do. You have to build memories of your own with those partners.

Every relationship is different, so let me know some of the details of your situation, and that will help me to think of more advice.

Glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
A little more

Thanks Kevin T,
Yes I am still in the relationship with the couple though I am questioning If I should stay at the moment. I love the fact that I am poly but have a feeling there is a lot more to my new found reality. I have no problem with disagreeable people as it take all kinds to make this world, we just make our part of it livable. I am truly glad I didn't marry or I would not have had the amazing sexual and emotional experiences, and would not have grown as a person.
The reason I am in two minds about the relationship I am in is because they want to change me into their ideal partner; I am middle aged and my personality is set, I am strong willed and also believe we should accept people or set them free.:D
 
Yeah, if they are trying to change you, that is kind of a bummer. If you do stay with them, I would suggest just keep on being you. If they keep pushing "you" into being someone else, to the point where it gets very stressful, I would probably let that relationship go.
 
Its a shame they want to change you. I sincerely hope they give up on that idea.

Have you heard of couple privilege? Might be worth reading about. The difficulties of someone fitting into an existing relationship are often heaped onto the new person.
 
Thank you

Thank you Leander,
I read Franklin Veaux's views on privilege and found it truly enlightening; I can now put several aspect of my relationship into perspective and use this to define the type of poly which is naturally me.
In the article I saw so many assumptions which have not been considered, at the same so many aspects which will surely help me grow as a poly.
So glad to be in a place that feeds instead of devours.
A poem I wrote some years ago but seems apt for right now

BE YOURSELF
The world would like to change you there are pressures all around
You must decide just who you are then firmly stand your ground

You have an image of yourself an ideal sense of you
And to this vision you must always endeavor to stay true

You know what you are best at and you know where talents lie
But if you’re ruled by others your uniqueness passes by

Remember there is much to learn but not all new things are good
Wisdom lies in what you've learned and what you have withstood

So be yourself and don’t allow the world to take control
Preserving your identity is life’s most precious goal

Pollly3
 
Those with deeper souls have more to search. :cool:
 
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