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  #11  
Old 09-17-2018, 08:22 AM
Gunnar Gunnar is offline
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Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
No offence, Gunnar, but the above reads a lot like a pornographic cuckold/humiliation fantasy.
Oh, I wish I was cuckold. This would have been so much easier that way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
It depends what your wife really seeks from this situation.
She's told me: Her wish is to have both of us living at his home. That we should move there already this fall and that I should start explaining to my kids that their step-mom has another man besides their father now, that we both are equal to her and that there is nothing wrong with that.

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Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
If I were you, I'd be wanting to know what - if anything - she believes is "missing" from your self-described amazing relationship of nineteen years.
Nope. According to her nothing was missing except her dream of always wanting to live at a farm, close to the nature with cows, sheep, chickens etc. She hated living in a town. Besides that she was very happy with the life with me. The guy is a farmer, you see.

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Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
Have you actually asked your wife if falling in love with this man was something totally unexpected and out of the blue
Yes. It was unexpected. We were visiting a sauna we go to occasionally. He showed up, they started talking, 4 hours later when we drove home she was already in love so it hit her very fast and it was totally unexpected for both of us. This behavior she has never shown before.

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Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
What is her hurry in regards to wanting to move her other lover into the house you share?
Not our house. She wants us all (her, me, my kids) to move to HIS farm to start the farm life she loves as soon as possible because she believes it will be good for us all.

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Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
How does she intend to explain his presence to your children and/or extended family?
She doesn't intend to do that. It's my kids and my job, she has told me.

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Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
What did this man hope to gain from proposing to your WIFE?
He is not a bad guy. Quite the opposite. He is a really good man and he is hopelessly in love with her. According to him she is the woman or her dreams and the one he's been looking for throughout his whole life. He is 42yo by the way and has had several relationships before so I believe him. I don't think he intended to gain anything from it. He just felt he had to tell her I guess.

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Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
How did SHE react to his proposal?
She was flattered but didn't respond anything but just smiling to him.

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Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
Is it perhaps possible that your wife has somehow gotten the idea into her head that you are turned on by, or get off on the fact that she has another male lover,
No way she can still believe that after all the talks we've had. Sure, I can find it a turn on when she has sex with others (doesn't usually happen more that perhaps once a year) but I have always told her that I would feel really bad if she she gets strong feelings for someone else.

And now she wants to put me and him on equal level (No A and B, only A and A relationships) and I have a huge problem with this since we've had a special relation for almost 20 years now and she has only known him for 7 months. She has never met his parents or family, never met his kids, never met his friends, never went on a trip, never had a difficulty or fight. Come to think of it, they have hardly been anywhere else but on his farm. Never ever been shopping together even.

I can't understand how he can get equal importance as me.
Probable that's where my main problem is.

That, and that I can see their feelings growing for every day and I don't think I will be needed in her life in a few months time since everything I can give her, he can give her too but better... and he looks better than me, is taller, is VERY manly, has a larger privates and performs well above average, drives a motorcycle, has a farm, cows, sheep. He is simply so much more than me.

One difficulty more: My wife has had two prior longer relationships. Both ended after 5 years exactly by her finding a new man that was more exciting.

We've been a couple for 5 years now.
Coincidence?
I hope so.

Last edited by Gunnar; 09-17-2018 at 08:38 AM.
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  #12  
Old 09-17-2018, 09:16 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Originally Posted by Gunnar View Post
And now she wants to put me and him on equal level (No A and B, only A and A relationships) and I have a huge problem with this since we've had a special relation for almost 20 years now and she has only known him for 7 months.

We've been a couple for 5 years now.
Coincidence?
I hope so.
Thank you for answering so thoroughly, Gunnar.

I do need some more clarification on the above point however. In your OP you stated you and your wife have been together almost 20 years. Now you say you've been a "couple" for only 5 years - so which is it? Or do you mean you've *known* your wife for two decades but have only been officially together for five years?


Quote:
She's told me: Her wish is to have both of us living at his home. That we should move there already this fall and that I should start explaining to my kids that their step-mom has another man besides their father now, that we both are equal to her and that there is nothing wrong with that.

Not our house. She wants us all (her, me, my kids) to move to HIS farm to start the farm life she loves as soon as possible because she believes it will be good for us all.

She doesn't intend to (explain the situation to them)It's my kids and my job, she has told me.
I'm sorry, I misunderstood you initially. I assumed you and wife have a home/house together, and she wants her new man to move in with the both of you. I didn't realise she wants YOU - her monogamous husband - to move into her new partner's house (the farm) and have you both take on co-primary status.

Personally, I think this is a LOT to ask of you, even if you were totally on board with her being poly and having developed such a serious relationship after so short a time. She is asking you to give up a great deal of your autonomy, privacy, as well as your current status as her husband/primary... to move into someone else's home (with whom you don't personally have a relationship).

I realise some people wouldn't see this as a problem, per se, however I think the time-frame is totally premature, since they've only been together for a mere seven months!

Not only this, but in addition to expecting YOU to deal with all of these major life changes (emotionally, financially and relationship-status-wise), she also expects your children to move in with, and accept, her Other Significant Other as an "equal" authority figure in their lives, AND seems to expect YOU will explain all this to them and "just deal with it". That is highly unrealistic, imho.

She needs to realise that - despite her claims that you will remain (at least) a co-primary partner - moving into her other lover's house under duress puts you at a distinct disadvantage. i.e. You'd be under somewhat of an obligation to this guy for putting a roof over both yours and your children's head.

IF the children's biological mother is still living and/or in their lives at all, it also bears consideration that this situation might not sit well with her.

Quote:
Nope. According to her nothing was missing except her dream of always wanting to live at a farm, close to the nature with cows, sheep, chickens etc... The guy is a farmer, you see.

Yes. It was unexpected. We were visiting a sauna we go to occasionally. He showed up, they started talking, 4 hours later when we drove home she was already in love so it hit her very fast

She has never met his parents, never met his kids, never met his friends, never went on a trip, never had a difficulty or fight etc etc.

I can't understand how he can get equal importance as me. Probable that's where my main problem is.
It sounds as if your wife is letting her fuzzy-rainbow happy NRE hormones rule over her head, not just her heart. She is attempting to make major life decisions while still immersed in this crazy, "honeymoon phase", in which everything SEEMS perfect and the new lover can do no wrong - and as most experienced poly folk will tell you, that is almost always a BAD idea.

Still, as an adult, it's her choice who SHE lives with. The problem here is she is already married, but she's also trying to coerce you AND your family to cave into demands she's making while under the influence of NRE.

She needs to realise that once the NRE wears off, she may find herself coming down to earth with a crash. Nobody is perfect and life will have its ups and downs, no matter who she's in a relationship with. Doesn't matter if he's a farmer, lives on the land... or is super well-hung... at some point, reality will hit and there will be the usual arguments, jealousies, financial and work stresses to contend with. She also needs to realise HER "dream" is not necessarily YOUR dream or that of your children.


Quote:
He is a really good man and he is hopelessly in love with her. According to him she is the woman he has always dreamt of and been looking for throughout his whole life. I don't think he intended to gain anything from it. He just felt he had to tell her I guess.

She was flattered but didn't respond anything but just smiling to him.
You say he's a really "good man", and he very well might be in many respects. He may have just gotten carried away by the moment.

But I see this "marriage proposal" manoeuvre somewhat differently - almost like he was trying to undermine your position, or pull a "cowboy" move on your wife.

Sure, he loves her - so why not just tell her THAT? By proposing to somebody he already knows is unavailable for marriage by virtue of the fact she already has a husband and home (with children involved), makes me think something might be amiss here.

And this is where I think your fear lies, too, judging by the below comment:

Quote:
I can see their feelings growing for every day and I don't think I will be needed in her life in a few months time since everything I can give her, he can give her too but better.

My wife has had two prior longer relationships. Both ended after 5 years exactly by her finding a new man that was more exciting.
What I hear you saying is... you fear your wife is just trying to "soften the blow" of her eventually leaving you for this other, "better" man. In poly circles, this is called a "soft exit", wherein one partner falls for someone else and uses "poly" as an excuse to trade their existing partner in for the new lover.

I cannot speak to your wife's motives or feelings since she's not the one posting here, but if I'm being honest, I see this as a possibility here.

It's also possible that she is a serial monogamist, "NRE junkie", rather than actually polyamorous. Meaning, once the excitement of a long-term relationship has worn off, she subconsciously falls for someone else in order to experience that "high" most of us get when we're newly in love. If she has a habit of doing this after a prescribed period (you say five years), then it's possibly something SHE needs to be made aware of.

I think you and your wife could really benefit greatly from seeing a couples' counsellor or poly-friendly relationship therapist. There is a LOT to unpack here.
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Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
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  #13  
Old 09-17-2018, 12:09 PM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunabunny View Post
What I hear you saying is... you fear your wife is just trying to "soften the blow" of her eventually leaving you for this other, "better" man. In poly circles, this is called a "soft exit", wherein one partner falls for someone else and uses "poly" as an excuse to trade their existing partner in for the new lover.


It's also possible that she is a serial monogamist, "NRE junkie", rather than actually polyamorous. Meaning, once the excitement of a long-term relationship has worn off, she subconsciously falls for someone else in order to experience that "high" most of us get when we're newly in love. If she has a habit of doing this after a prescribed period (you say five years), then it's possibly something SHE needs to be made aware of.

I think you and your wife could really benefit greatly from seeing a couples' counsellor or poly-friendly relationship therapist. There is a LOT to unpack here.
I agree with the above a hundred times. It sounds as if YOU were the new shiny five years ago and that hapless man was dumped in favor of YOU. You just had no idea that was a pattern.

I am a former NRE junkie, always making sure I had someone waiting in the wings before I fully disengaged, much to my shame. It very nearly ended my current marriage, but we floated around poly as a possibility and I found I just wasn't able to sustain more than once focus for a relationship at a time. At that point, I realized I needed to "grow up;" NRE NEVER lasts forever and I was just causing a great amount of heartache, for myself especially.

Talking about you and your kids pulling up stakes to live on this man's farm is just nuts (not to put too fine a point on it.) Either she agrees to counseling, or it's time to cut bait. What if Farmer John decides he really doesn't want you around? What do you do with yourself and your kids then?
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  #14  
Old 09-17-2018, 12:13 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Thank you for more info. So you have known each other for 20 years, but only been together for 5 years total, the last 6 months married.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gunnar
She's told me: Her wish is to have both of us living at his home. That we should move there already this fall and that I should start explaining to my kids that their step-mom has another man besides their father now, that we both are equal to her and that there is nothing wrong with that.
I think there is something wrong with that. This is way too soon and way too fast. I'm not hearing where she has obtained your consent to any of this.

You do not sound like you want to be doing this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gunnar
I have always told her that I would feel really bad if she she gets strong feelings for someone else.
Well, she's got strong feelings for someone else. You feel bad.

If she's not going to stop or slow down? And you don't want to be doing any of this at all? (Outside the marriage sex once a year or so) is one thing, but (participating in a co-primary V while raising children) is another thing? You could say so and let the chips fall how they may.

Or simply bow out and separate. Whether a temporary separation or divorce -- I don't know. But could put some distance between you so you start to feel better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gunnar
Quote:
Originally Posted by lunabunny
How does she intend to explain his presence to your children and/or extended family?
She doesn't intend to do that. It's my kids and my job, she has told me.
So she makes a decision that will affect everyone -- and everyone is just supposed to move to the farm all latidah because she wants to? And she expects you to acquiesce? And she's not gonna explain it to her step-kids or her in-laws? It's all your job, even though you really don't want to be doing this?

What kind of business is that?

I think you could say "NO" to all the above. You do NOT have to acquiesce. Yo don't have to agree to do any of that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gunnar
And now she wants to put me and him on equal level (No A and B, only A and A relationships) and I have a huge problem with this since we've had a special relation for almost 20 years now and she has only known him for 7 months.

We've been a couple for 5 years now.
Coincidence?
I hope so.
In case it isn't coincidence? It is her pattern? I suggest you NOT make any major life changes like moving to a farm. If she's hell bent on moving over there and taking up farm living? Let her go on her own. You and the kids don't have to uproot too. You don't sound like you want a co-primary thing.

Be ok saying "No, thank you. You can go on ahead, but this is not for me."

If there's a chance for counseling, I strongly suggest it. But if this is just crazy train? ZOOMING on recklessly no matter what, and what she wants trumps all? She's just gonna run right over everyone else?

It's ok to say "No, thank. I'm getting off this train."

It's ok to put your own well being and that of your children first.

It is ok to say "No, this is too crazy for me. I have to bow out because this is hurting me."

It is ok to say "I love you a whole lot, but not even for you will I do or stay in things that hurt me."

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-17-2018 at 12:36 PM.
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  #15  
Old Yesterday, 10:58 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Like Luna, I fear this is sounding like a cuckold fantasy, despite your (weak) denial. "You're not a cuck, you just WISH you were." Maybe you're writing erotica, based on a cheating scenario, and want to modernize it with a "polyamory" edge, so you came here to get more information to add detail to your novel...

Your protagonist is Gunnar, and that is a Scandinavian name. Sometimes you, as Gunnar, write as if English is your second language, sometimes you write ordinary English with no anachronisms.

I consent for you to use my input for your novel, if a novel it is.

Working Title:

The Farmer with the Big Dick and the Wandering 3 Hole Wife.

In your OP you said the married couple have been "madly in love for 20 years." Later you said they met 20 years ago, fell in love (were in an actual relationship? we don't know), but after a period of time, parted for 10 years with no contact. Re-met 5 years ago, (after both being in other long term relationships), declared they were each others' One True Love tm after all this time. How romantic!

They both dumped their partners, with no regrets, despite the man having children, and started up together. Finally they got engaged and FINALLY got married a year ago. Didn't go on a honeymoon until after they both met Farmer Joe at a sauna (how Scandinavian), with whom somehow miraculously the newlywed wife fell madly in love in 4 hours. After having finally just married her One True Love tm after 19 or 20 years of apparently yearning! And manly Farmer Joe fell in love too!! Yay for them!

But oh darn it! What bad luck for the Hapless Husband, Gunnar.

This couple had been in the habit, despite amazing sex between the two of them, of also doing casual swinging type sex "once a year". (Sexy spice for the book! Nice.) But somehow, even though it was supposed to be "casual" sex with others, no emotions, and knowing the wife was in love with Farmer Joe (?) (maybe hubs didn't know, but wife did), the newlywed couple engaged in sex with him anyway. You either participated or watched. Several times. Why did Gunnar do this? Why did Wife do this, breaking the agreement of casual sex only? We don't know. You need to fill in something about her state of mind about why she'd break her marital vows so soon. Oh! Here it is, she broke up her previous 5 year relationship to get with new and shiny Gunnar. Now she's starting the process of breaking up her 5 year relationship with Gunnar to get more completely coupled with shiny Farmer Joe. "Coincidence?"

Add in something about Wifey listening to the country song "She Thinks My Tractor's Sexy" on youtube over and over here.

Admittedly, for erotica, a farm isn't as glamorous for a hot cheating love nest as say, a high rise in LA or something. But wait! He's tall and hung like one of his horses, and even though your sex with her is "amazing," sex with him is 100 times better!

What is 100 times better than "amazing?" Better work that one out. We don't want her 3 holes completely blown out. Not just yet anyway. After all, Gunnar thinks Farmer Joe is a great guy. We don't want him putting Wifey in the hospital yet. The story is just getting good.

Farmer Joe proposed marriage to newlywed Wifey! (Huh?) She is flattered and smiles. "Oh, if only I hadn't just married my pencil dick husband/cuck. We can't marry, but I am ready to move myself, and him, and his kids onto your big Manly Farm right this instant! Because polyamory!"

So. Now Gunnar's wife goes all FemDom on him. "Worm! We are moving to my horse dick lover's farm! You KNOW I've always wanted to be a farm wife! I can't wait one more minute to feed a chicken or harvest a tomato! You have no choice, and neither do your kids from your former pitiful relationship. Tell those kids Farmer Joe is now their Dad also. Tell your parents that their grandchildren are moving to a farm owned by a near stranger because their STEP mother needs to ride a horse dick and a tractor NOW!!!

And while you're doing that, worm, I'm off to fuck Joe for the 2nd time in 7 hours. Bye!"

It's a cute story. The farm and the "polyamory" (which isn't polyamory because she's treating the hapless hero like shit, nearly stopped having sex with him, calling Farmer Horse Dick frequently from her HONEYMOON...) do make it a bit unique. Not that I am in the habit of reading Xrated romance. But I'm sure some people would pay money to read this book. Most people don't understand polyamory, so they will feel hip reading a book that purports to depict it.

Now hapless hubby goes online to ask help from other polyamorists. Does he HAVE to move himself and his wife's stepchildren (she's now an evil stepmother as well as a cheating wife) to the farm of the Big Dick Farmer just "because poly?"

We are saying no. But that probably won't work for the story. Leave that out. Let the husband move the entire family to the farm and see what kind of humiliation he/they will receive there! I can't wait to find out!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013

Last edited by Magdlyn; Yesterday at 11:14 PM.
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  #16  
Old Today, 02:54 AM
ref2018 ref2018 is offline
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This can be cured with cannabidiol.
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