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Old 09-14-2018, 05:34 PM
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polyaccidental91 polyaccidental91 is offline
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Question Needing some poly tangle advice

Hey everyone! So I am in conundrum ATM, and looking for a little advice. I won't get into a lot of back story, just the basics: I'm poly, I have my awesome hubby of 8 years, and my amazing bf of 5 years. My bf, who is recently married in July, has always had a rocky relationship with his wife. Lately, since vows were made, it's been getting worse. Hardly a day goes by when she doesn't say she hates him for something or other. Now, my opinions are obviously biased, since I love him and I don't have to live with him, but I find myself getting frustrated with her over it. If she is so unhappy, and he is miserable, why do they stay together? Especially when many of her problems have to do with huge parts of who he is? Like his sense of humor? His sleeping habits? And every little mistake, to the point of putting the ketchup in the wrong place in the fridge. She acts like he needs to be absolutely perfect, and from my stand point he is perfect the way he is. Then she comes to me for advice, and rejects it every single time. I feel like its majorly unhealthy and hate to see them both this way. Sorry if this seems like a bit of a rant but I feeling kind of overwhelmed by it all.
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Old 09-14-2018, 06:37 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I'm sorry you struggle. Sounds like you need to hear LESS about their problems.

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Hardly a day goes by when she doesn't say she hates him for something or other.
Why is she telling you?

Quote:
If she is so unhappy, and he is miserable, why do they stay together? Especially when many of her problems have to do with huge parts of who he is? Like his sense of humor? His sleeping habits? And every little mistake, to the point of putting the ketchup in the wrong place in the fridge.
I have no idea. That's for them to figure out. Not anyone else. You don't have to be her free therapist.

Quote:
She acts like he needs to be absolutely perfect, and from my stand point he is perfect the way he is. Then she comes to me for advice, and rejects it every single time.
Then don't advise. Stop.

Sounds like you are being used for some sort of "emotional dumpster." She unloads on you, she feels better in the moment but things don't actually change long term. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The unloading might make her feel better, but if it makes YOU feel crap? Stop talking about this. Say "No. I cannot be your sounding board on this. I suggest you talk to him directly." That can be your NEW lather, rinse, repeat.

And if she keeps trying to put it on you, say "Please respect my limit. I don't want to talk about this. Talk to him directly." If she keeps on pushing? Hang up or leave the room. YOU can obey your limit.

If she gets mad and humphy about your unwillingness to talk about this and be dumpstered again? Oh, well. She's already mad and humphy. It doesn't really change anything for her.

But you doing new behavior can change things for YOU so you don't have to be doing this any more.

Quote:
I feel like its majorly unhealthy and hate to see them both this way. Sorry if this seems like a bit of a rant but I feeling kind of overwhelmed by it all.
If you see it is majorly unehalthy why get embroiled in it? Bow out of the drama. Could honor what YOU need right now. Which is some space away from all this daily brouhaha. Could give it to yourself so you can stop feeling overwhelmed.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 09-15-2018 at 03:19 AM.
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Old 09-14-2018, 11:35 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi polyaccidental91,

The problems you are describing are, I believe, your boyfriend's problems to figure out. If I might state the obvious, he chose to marry her, gods only know why, and now he chooses every day to stay married to her. If that is his choice, then it's his job to figure out how to make it work. If he's asking for your advice, you'd probably advise him to break up with her, but apparently he's not asking for your advice, so the ball is back in his court.

When his wife comes to you for advice, she really just wants to vent, so instead of trying to suggest anything to her, just say, "That sounds hard. I'm sorry you're going through that." She, too, made the questionable decision to marry him, and she, too, chooses to stay married to him every day. If she's going to make that decision, then she needs to be the one to figure out how to make it work. You don't owe her any advice. If she demands advice of you, just say, "I'm sorry, I don't know what to suggest." Which is true when you know your every suggestion is only going to be rejected.

I'm sorry you are caught in the middle of this. If you'll keep us updated on this thread, I'll try to think of more advice.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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