Dropping the Polybomb

SoCalExile

New member
I used to lurk here a lot. Still do. Occasionally I made a comment or two on a thread. Never felt the need to post my own. NOW

<dramatic music>

ALL THAT CHANGES

<cymbal crash>

I came out to my wife last month.

Some history:

We've been married for 24 years. For 25 years, I'd also loved someone else with whom I had intermittent contact. At one point my wife and I separated, because I wanted to explore being with this other person. Due to baggage on her part, it went nowhere and after a year of frustration I went back to my marriage. I moved hundreds of miles away and my wife and I had kids, got on with life.

10 years ago, this other person contacted me out of the blue and it didn't take much to rekindle things. We began an LDR that was emotional for 7 years until it finally got physical. It got more and more emotionally intense, and as my desire built, so did my guilt and shame. I was a mess inside but kept wearing a happy face. Usually. I went into therapy.

I was torn between my love for The Other Woman and my wife- and then there were the kids to think of. Ultimately, I resolved that I had to be with this other person even though it was killing me to think of leaving my marriage and breaking my wife's heart. I agonized over it; I'd come to a decision but it just didn't feel right. Nonetheless I was close to ending my marriage.

But then I was dealt a wild card. My lover dumped me. It turned out she'd been seeing a mutual friend and had fallen for him, and I was now, regretfully, out of the picture, and that there could be no future chances for us, ever. The door was locked. I was devastated. I couldn't keep my pain and guilt bottled up any longer and spilled the beans to my wife.

To my amazement she didn't kick me out. We reconciled, but I continued to descend into depression. Deep, clinical, scare-your-shrink depression. The trigger was the end of the harrowing affair but it grew, and was fueled, by lusts and doubt. I was tormented by my desire to form intimate relationships with others and the "fact" acting on those feelings would mean I'd have to discard my marriage. I felt depressed because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me; I had a loving wife, a house, two beautiful happy children, a home I loved to be in! What the fuck was my problem? Isn't that the prize? Why would any sane individual throw that away? My psychiatrist, my counselor, and my confidants all advised me that sometime the heart just wants what it wants and there's no rational explanation for its desires. I suppose that's true, to some degree, but I couldn't accept that explanation. I felt there had to be a reason I was broken. I had to find it or lose my mind. The reason remained elusive. I couldn't figure myself out.

That's where I was when the poly epiphany hit. I cried like a baby, out of joy. My depression lifted and I felt happy; it was almost scary because I realized I couldn't remember the last time I
felt that way, truly overflowing with happiness. I rode that wave for a month. I read Opening Up and The Ethical Slut and cried all over again; Easton's book pushed almost every button I had. It's like it was written for me. My wife couldn't help but notice. Understanding that I wanted to share myself with others actually let me share myself with my wife again. Things were great; "all I had to do" was come forward with it.

And so I slid back down into the pit. Things were largely better, because I'd figured myself out, but now I was keeping another secret. Until last month when I came out.

It hasn't been ugly, but it surely isn't pretty. At first I was met with an ultimatum: be poly and divorced, or mono and married. I caved in and chose the latter, being desperate not to lose this amazing woman I love so much, and break up our family, even though I felt I'd just given up on myself. We continued to talk, though- and my poly thoughts weren't going away anytime soon. She's decided to allow our marriage to open up; she has a deeply-ingrained philosophy that inhibiting the desires of others is bad, but there's also a huge sense of resignation. Compersion is not on the horizon. Not that I expected it to be.

She's happily hardwired mono. She's said as much and I believe her completely. We're still in bed together, with all that implies, and honestly our sex life has never been better; it's been on an upward curve since she took me back into her heart when we made up after the admission of the affair. But there's a hesitation, an awkwardness between us. I don't want to fuck our marriage up. I do not want a divorce. Though she might feel she's holding the door open for me, I don't want to go through it- or, rather, I'm afraid to. I've given her so, so much to think about in such a short time that I would rather we just continue talking for the forseeable future. It's something of a false option at this point, I feel.

So that's where I am. Hesitant, hopeful, and tremendously anxious.

Questions, comments, flames? Bring 'em on. I know there are gaps in my story and incomplete explanations- but then this post is already pretty huge and I didn't want to bloat it further.
 
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Are you still be treated for depression?

Are you still in therapy? Did you and your wife go as a couple? If so to either, has it helped you navigate this new path....how so?

Whats the downside if the door get slammed on you and your marriage?
 
Heh, love the dramatic intro. Good on you for choosing honesty in the end and for getting help with the depression. You're right to give it time. Settle back into life with your wife, show her how much you love her. Then baby steps.
 
Are you still be treated for depression?

Are you still in therapy? Did you and your wife go as a couple? If so to either, has it helped you navigate this new path....how so?

Whats the downside if the door get slammed on you and your marriage?

No, I'm no longer being treated for depression. I was before though, initially without, then with, medication.

I am seeing a poly-aware marriage therapist by myself, and want to turn those sessions into couples counseling- which was one of my initial stated goals when I first started seeing the therapist. My wife has agreed to go, but that agreement is only a few days old so there hasn't been any movement in that direction just yet.

I will say that the therapist in question helped me sort out... well, actually, helped me come to terms with being poly. I know what I'm experiencing doesn't hold a candle to the awful crap most queer folk go through, but I think I've gained a much deeper appreciation of their troubles- what it's like to not fit the mold, not even know why, feel terrible about it, and, once figured out, want to deny it, because it would just be so much easier if one didn't feel the way one does, and how hard it is to come out.

The downside? You mean if my wife says "HELL NO" to poly? I want to be sure I'm answering the exact question you're asking.
 
wow. I really enjoyed reading your story, and I'm so glad you've come to the realization that you have. Cheers!
 
Heh, love the dramatic intro. Good on you for choosing honesty in the end and for getting help with the depression. You're right to give it time. Settle back into life with your wife, show her how much you love her. Then baby steps.
What Annabel says. You have been here long enough to know a shit load about poly. Why not share some of the theory with her in slow bits. She could do her own reading and researching, get support herself. We would love to meet her! Doing a tag search on "mono/poly" might be a good place for her to start reading. Good on you for your honesty and open communication! :) We shall be seeing around these here parts then.
 
You said she was holding the door open for you and you were afraid to go through it. It seems once people go through that door one or the other party can't or won't go back. Have those possible out comes been discussed.
 
Why not share some of the theory with her in slow bits. She could do her own reading and researching, get support herself. We would love to meet her!.

She's been doing reading on her own. Exactly what, I don't know, but she isn't coming back at me with arguments about why poly is evil or anything, so that's good. Hopefully she's found Xeromag. I was thinking about steering her there.

I don't think she'll be participating in discussions here. She's rather more private than I am. It's a possibility, but an extremely distant one.

You said she was holding the door open for you and you were afraid to go through it. It seems once people go through that door one or the other party can't or won't go back. Have those possible out comes been discussed.

No, we haven't talked about that. It sounds like you're asking "what happens if you start living poly and it simply won't work out, and going back to mono isn't an option." That sounds like divorce to me, and my goal right now is to avoid that if it's at all possible. Given that she is even willing to entertain the notion of opening our marriage instead of just kicking me in the crotch and throwing my clothes into the fireplace, I think we should just be exploring the concepts of polyamory and what that would mean to and for us, rather than talking about what might happen after we hypothetically open our marriage. Baby steps. I don't see the utility right now in talking about future states that would only emerge AFTER other future states we're only just starting to discuss.

Or did I misinterpret your post? I'm not sure we're on the same wavelength.
 
I don't think you misinterpreted the general idea. I think I misinterpreted that this is at the discussion phase. I thought her holding the door open was a green light... horses leaving the starting gate type thing.

Baby step are a good idea.

Good luck to you both.
 
Ah, gotcha. I can see how it would be confusing.

I don't think my wife actually understood that I want a discussion-only phase either. I've been trying to say that but for some reason couldn't make it come out as plainly as you did.

Part of the issue is that she has been thinking that since I've kicked the poly-or-not question over quite thoroughly for myself, and she doesn't want to hold me to monogamy, then the next step is opening that door.

Over the weekend she asked me to give her a "second chance" and be mono, with the idea that we could talk about poly again if I felt it just wouldn't work.

I dunno about that. :(

But we'll see. We're talking, and that's the important thing. We're closer than ever now, and we'll be in counseling together... soonish. Not before the new year, that's for sure. Decembers are always so hectic...
 
Its good that you both are going to a counselor because she sounds like this is her failure.....or needs a second chance to change into the person she thinks you want her to be. Sad stuff. Good luck.
 
Ah, gotcha. I can see how it would be confusing.

I don't think my wife actually understood that I want a discussion-only phase either. I've been trying to say that but for some reason couldn't make it come out as plainly as you did.

Part of the issue is that she has been thinking that since I've kicked the poly-or-not question over quite thoroughly for myself, and she doesn't want to hold me to monogamy, then the next step is opening that door.

Over the weekend she asked me to give her a "second chance" and be mono, with the idea that we could talk about poly again if I felt it just wouldn't work.

I dunno about that. :(

But we'll see. We're talking, and that's the important thing. We're closer than ever now, and we'll be in counseling together... soonish. Not before the new year, that's for sure. Decembers are always so hectic...

You guys sound like such a thoughtful, loving couple. I wish you the best of luck with counseling.
 
Thanks. We've been through a lot.

Last night she talked again about working on letting go of jealousy. She's really working hard and I feel kind of bad for "inflicting" this on her.

I find there's three emotional states I'm feeling most:
  • An intense, tearful state that is a weird mix of happiness at how close we are, sadness that she is hurting, and joy at the possibility of living poly
  • Impatience at wanting to jump into poly RIGHT NOW
  • Guilt because of the aforementioned impatience
 
Wow, so many intense feelings. I can totally relate. Some personal experience I hae with processig guilt is to except that I feel it and not try to push it away or rationalize my guiltlessness or otherwise try not to feel my feelings. When I except them completely they pass quicker.
 
That is tough. For my part, CBT helped a lot. On hers, Buddhism. The two seem very nearly indistinguishable in some aspects.
 
Last night she talked again about working on letting go of jealousy. She's really working hard and I feel kind of bad for "inflicting" this on her.

What can you do to help her re-assure her fears that are triggering the feelings of jealousy? She may not even know, but it could be a good thing to explore together.

I'm not a particularly jealous person, but add in just the right amount of variables and stress and it'll hit me big time (and it usually relates to my husband activities, not people :rolleyes:). As we have learned to talk to each other about such things, there has been a noticeable difference. It takes time to learn how to dissect certain high-emotional issues and if the other party is getting defensive in the process, nothing is accomplished. I found that when he got defensive, I reacted in kind and stopped trying to find the true root of why I was feeling a certain way. Then again, he would get defensive, because my approach was geared as an attack...
 
What can you do to help her re-assure her fears that are triggering the feelings of jealousy?

That's a great question and one I don't know how to answer. I'm hoping the MFT can assist with that. The only thing I can think of is to keep telling her I love her. While that's great and all, it's pretty short on specifics, isn't it? At some point it's just going to sound like a platitude.

She's asked me some very direct questions like "how many lovers do you think you'll end up having?" and "will you wear a condom?" and "will you be spending the night elsewhere a lot?" (!)* These are flustering me and while I actually have thought about them and do have answers I'm afraid of triggering more jealousy with them and seeing things spin out of control. I'm very conflict-avoidant and, as I've mentioned before, don't want to lose her. That would be a disaster.

So here's to hoping couples therapy will help me/us navigate that.





* I can't believe she's even entertaining this sort of notion this early. She's really facing things head-on.
 
That's a great question and one I don't know how to answer. I'm hoping the MFT can assist with that. The only thing I can think of is to keep telling her I love her. While that's great and all, it's pretty short on specifics, isn't it? At some point it's just going to sound like a platitude.

It will sound like platitude until you guys (both of you) can get into specifics. The MFT should be able to help.

She's asked me some very direct questions like "how many lovers do you think you'll end up having?" and "will you wear a condom?" and "will you be spending the night elsewhere a lot?" (!)* These are flustering me and while I actually have thought about them and do have answers I'm afraid of triggering more jealousy with them and seeing things spin out of control.

These are very good questions and likely are part of her fears. Tell her what you said here and give her your thoughts to her questions and ask for her input. She may be imagining things you would never even consider doing, but she doesn't know that because you are afraid to talk to her.

I'm very conflict-avoidant and, as I've mentioned before, don't want to lose her. That would be a disaster.

Tell her this. Look up "non-violent communication" and discover how to actually have those hard discussions without putting each other on the defensive (also how to diffuse a situation that starts to get out of hand). My husband is also very "conflict-avoidant" and it has caused a great deal of harm to our marriage. Stuff that could have/should have been addressed and dealt with immediately got pushed aside and avoided. This just led the way for a shit load of resentments to build by both of us. We are still working on the hard discussion thing, but have made progress and it makes a world of difference.

Here again, the MFT should be able to help, but you might have to bring it up so it gets addressed sooner rather than later. I think this is a big and very important issue to deal with.
 
These are very good questions and likely are part of her fears. Tell her what you said here and give her your thoughts to her questions and ask for her input. She may be imagining things you would never even consider doing, but she doesn't know that because you are afraid to talk to her.

Very likely true. I did actually start making a list of things I do want in a poly arrangement versus things I am not looking for or am completely willing to negotiate on. And some things that, while they sound like fun (sex commune, anyone?) are simply too far out there or impractical for me to really muster up anything but the most theoretical interest in them.

Yeah, I gotta show her that list.

My husband is also very "conflict-avoidant" and it has caused a great deal of harm to our marriage. Stuff that could have/should have been addressed and dealt with immediately got pushed aside and avoided... We are still working on the hard discussion thing, but have made progress and it makes a world of difference.

You're completely right about this. We have, though, cracked open that door. Over the weekend she apologized for asking me these questions that make me uncomfortable, and said she would try and not ask them. Well, I didn't like that idea at all and told her so. Told her that I wanted to hear everything she's thinking, even if it hurts me. I told her that we could have been so much closer decades ago if we'd been this open from the beginning, and that even though it's scary I wouldn't trade what we have now for anything we had in the past, even though it seemed so much safer.

So.. progress on that front, anyway.
 
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