BDsm

Nyc-I will have to look when I am on my laptop. I know I pulled from there, but it was over a year ago or more.


Dinged-I'm not going to get into it with you. :) Nothing personal, but knowing the history-we've already discussed the topic in pm and I know that your points are well thought out and good for the BDSM curious crowd to seriously consider-and you know that my attitude towards BDSM differs greatly from "the norm".

As for the slave who died-that's just something I can't even imagine standing back and allowing as a person. I don't give a shit what lifestyle a person leads, when a life is on the line-it all goes out the window IMPO. Parents who don't believe in medical care for religious reasons, Masters/Doms who say no to medical care-all can just FUCK OFF.

I have a M/s relationship. I can't even IMAGINE. Taking the responsibility of M or D means taking the RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CARE AND WELL BEING of another person-much like a parent. It does not mean having the freedom to abuse them or stop them from getting their physical, mental, emotional, psychological, medical etc needs met. It means ENSURING that they get those met.
 
I get the sense in my local BDSM community that contracts are similar in how many people here feel about rules. In other words, they are helpful to have starting out but that things change greatly over time, and as things go on and the relationship develops, the rules - or the contract in this case - changes too, or goes away entirely as trust is earned on both sides. However, others continue to find contracts really useful even though they have no legal basis at all.

I have never heard of a legal situation where a BDSM contract was of any relevance or use. Usually I hear about situations where any acknowledgement of BDSM interest or participation was actually detrimental (such as liking pain means consenting to getting beat in all situations). But I certainly don't know the entirety of the BDSM universe.

@pollyanna, how dreadful for you and your friends. I hope that pathological user is named among all of your acquaintances, and not just the BDSM ones. Someone like that will abuse people in all areas of life - calling one self a mistress is just the means to the end. Even if you and your friends had intervened, she may not have left. Abused people often stay with their abuser for a variety of reasons.

It is so important that one have a strong sense of self in BDSM. That's true anywhere but BDSM has real psychological and physical dangers. The pyschological dangers are more pervasive and threatening in my opinion because one can be relatively easily taught to swing a whip safely. It's a technical skill. The moral, emotional or pyschological skills are much harder to develop - they require empathy, love, and care be already present. One can be taught how to be an ethical master, top dominant, submissive, switch, or slave. But someone without ethics, or compassion or empathy, like the sociopathic mistress, can mimic a 'good' top or dom by picking up the technical skills and just enough to pass on the pyschological skills.

I have met a lot of secure, strong submissives and slaves locally. I have also met a few submissives or slaves who so lack a sense of self that they felt like a sucking black hole to me. I've met a few who were desperately needy - which made them desperate to please, no matter the cost. Your friend perhaps sounds like these people. Her 'mistress' is responsible for that tragedy. No question. That was a classic controlling and abusive relationship with M/s as the mechanism for the abuse.

But I also strongly feel that BDSM, like relationships in general, should not be engaged in if one is not psychologically healthy enough to do so. And I see some people locally who do not meet that standard, in my opinion. And unfortunately that makes them victims just waiting to run into a user and abuser.
 
As for the slave who died-that's just something I can't even imagine standing back and allowing as a person. I don't give a shit what lifestyle a person leads, when a life is on the line-it all goes out the window IMPO. Parents who don't believe in medical care for religious reasons, Masters/Doms who say no to medical care-all can just FUCK OFF.

I have a M/s relationship. I can't even IMAGINE. Taking the responsibility of M or D means taking the RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE CARE AND WELL BEING of another person-much like a parent. It does not mean having the freedom to abuse them or stop them from getting their physical, mental, emotional, psychological, medical etc needs met. It means ENSURING that they get those met.
LR, I agree and hate myself for not overstepping boundaries and being more forceful. Our friend kept most of this to herself--I knew about the financial abuse and the restrictions but she didn't tell me just how sick she was. She was a very introverted and private person and, well, yes--secretive. She didn't want anyone to know and she stayed with this woman for fear that if she left, the community would side with the 'lady' and the slave would be shunned. She was very insecure.

[/QUOTE]It is so important that one have a strong sense of self in BDSM. That's true anywhere but BDSM has real psychological and physical dangers. The pyschological dangers are more pervasive and threatening in my opinion because one can be relatively easily taught to swing a whip safely. It's a technical skill. The moral, emotional or pyschological skills are much harder to develop - they require empathy, love, and care be already present. One can be taught how to be an ethical master, top dominant, submissive, switch, or slave. But someone without ethics, or compassion or empathy, like the sociopathic mistress, can mimic a 'good' top or dom by picking up the technical skills and just enough to pass on the pyschological skills.

I have met a lot of secure, strong submissives and slaves locally. I have also met a few submissives or slaves who so lack a sense of self that they felt like a sucking black hole to me. I've met a few who were desperately needy - which made them desperate to please, no matter the cost. Your friend perhaps sounds like these people. Her 'mistress' is responsible for that tragedy. No question. That was a classic controlling and abusive relationship with M/s as the mechanism for the abuse. [/QUOTE] i have also met people like this and i am afraid my friend was so needy that she really couldn't function without strict control. But, as has been said, control isn't abuse and this was.

A group of us have discussed how we failed her and how we will never let anything like that happen again if we can help it.
 
Pollyanna-don't hate yourself. Just learn from the experience. We've all failed at various things in life as life doesn't come with a rule book or pre-preprinted instruction manual.
I wasn't judging you-not at all. More expressing the anger I feel at hearing stories like that where people abuse their privileges.
 
I'm so sorry about your friend. Wow. Thank you for sharing the story, we could all use the reminder to look out for each other. :(
 
I started BDSM when I was 17. I spent from 18 - 22 being classically trained as a sub, then a dom (you have to know what your sub is experiencing to be able to understand what they need from you).

When my son was born, the BDSM went out the window. We have never lived in a large place and sometimes BDSM play can get loud. We put everything into storage (thousands worth of equipment). It got stolen. We couldn't afford to replace it, so even when our son got older and started doing sleep overs we didn't have anything more than what was creative or homemade.

When taxes came back this year, we knew it was time to reinvest in a few good thumpers, stingers, suction cups, wartenburg wheel etc. We have gotten to play a few times but have been rebuilding our confidence back to where it was years ago (Our son is almost 9, plus pregnancy so almost 10 years).

My new bf found a few of my toys floating around and was curious. I tried a 20 minute scene with him and was very gentle and he seemed apprehensive at first but really enjoyed it. We have only gently played a few times, but he likes it more every time and I introduce him to new things slowly. I was a little worried, because for years now, my husband has not been able to put me in "sub space".

A week into our relationship, something about my new bf triggered it and this was how he found out about me when it came to this. He found a way to pull me out before I sank into it because I was not comfortable since we were so new.

The hubby is uncomfortable about him being a dom until he is properly trained. I agree completely. Also, it will help my hubbys confidence if he can put me in sub space again first. I think because of how important and instrumental it was in our developing relationship, he has to know he can still take me there before my bf does.

I can answer most of your BDSM questions. The others will need to fill you in on how that works in their poly life. I am still exploring.
 
. . . it will help my hubbys confidence if he can put me in sub space again first. I think because of how important and instrumental it was in our developing relationship, he has to know he can still take me there before my bf does.
Just curious - why is your husband so insecure that he needs to be first? Don't you think it would be more constructive if your hubs examines his insecurity and develops his self-confidence in all areas of his life, out in the real world, etc.? Without making the sex you have into a contest in which he must compete?
 
I don't see it as a contest.

He has some insecurity issues that he has had all his life and is working on them (growing up like he did will do that to a person). I am trying to help him reclaim the dom that has been suppressed for many years. As a matter of fact, I managed to trigger it in him a couple of days ago on a phone call, and I am hearing some fire that I haven't heard in a VERY long time.

I do not want to ruin that for him. If he needs to remember what he used to do for me as a dom (which I miss the hell out of btw) then I will do what it takes to facilitate that.

He is broken and is about to be medically retired from the military after 15 years (broken by the armys standards, not mine). It has done some damage to the self confidence that he took years to build. I will do what I can to help him restore that. If that means letting him feel like he can make this situation with my bf safer for me by showing him what I like and what is safe, thats what I will do.

I see what you are saying, but we are built more into a triad, so D is becoming involved in a lot of this as well (it is new to him). D is also naturally very confident, so a confidence boost for J wouldn't hurt anything and won't take away from my time with D. Win-Win.
 
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Polly, thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry you had to experience something so tragic.
 
Well this morning was an interesting conversation with Primal. He told me that he's starting to have moments (fleeting ones) of conflict with our relationship and his polyamory. He's told me that he would love to have a 24/7 M/S relationship with me but the conflict part arises because he doesn't see how that would work with both of us having other primaries.

So if anyone has any advice as to how that could work (cause we talked a little about it and would both love to have it if it is feasible) I'd love to hear that.
 
Figure out what a 24/7 D/s relationship would look like for the 2 of you. Then, each of you discuss it w your primaries and see how what you envision would work for them.
 
Well this morning was an interesting conversation with Primal. He told me that he's starting to have moments (fleeting ones) of conflict with our relationship and his polyamory. He's told me that he would love to have a 24/7 M/S relationship with me but the conflict part arises because he doesn't see how that would work with both of us having other primaries.

So if anyone has any advice as to how that could work (cause we talked a little about it and would both love to have it if it is feasible) I'd love to hear that.

You could have an adjusted 24/7? One where you are always in D/s mode whenever you are together, but not while you are apart, or not while you are with your other partners?
 
I've been in the "scene" since I was 17 or 18 (first online, later some play parties and just get togethers). When I met my husband that stopped since he is not much of a public person.

I am very much a masochist and a sometimes submissive.

Recently things changed in our relationship; now I'm very VERY much looking forward to finding new playmates to explore things with....

I am curious if I can get back into a submissive head space. I haven't been for a very long time, and I'm not sure how much of being submissive was being insecure and how much was just being submissive (I'm wondering because besides some relationship stuff that made us stop exploring that side, I also have grown a lot as a person, am much more confident now than I was before)

I really hope that in a year or so (maybe a bit sooner, who knows...) I can start getting to know the kinky people here and maybe find out where I stand.

I'd love to get to know someone I trust so much that they are willing to explore with me where my pain limit is. Where I dare to say stop only when I really cannot take it anymore, instead of when it just gets scary....

I absolutely love real sadists. Doms/Dommes who like hurting me because they like seeing me enjoying it is always fun, but there is nothing like the thrill of someone who literally gets off on hurting you, regardless of your enjoyment of it... (Of course, I'm a smart woman and will always only play with people who will respect safe words! No matter how much they would like to ignore it ;))
 
You could have an adjusted 24/7? One where you are always in D/s mode whenever you are together, but not while you are apart, or not while you are with your other partners?
That's pretty much what we've figured now will work the best for us.
 
I've had a D/s relationship whilst seeing other people. I had orgasm restrictions as well as task type things to do. It works perfectly fine as long as the D Type isn't a dick and doesn't try and enforce rules that will non consensually impact on the sex lives of their metamours. Ie, my orgasm restriction didn't apply to dates with other people, just masturbation.
 
Well this morning was an interesting conversation with Primal. He told me that he's starting to have moments (fleeting ones) of conflict with our relationship and his polyamory. He's told me that he would love to have a 24/7 M/S relationship with me but the conflict part arises because he doesn't see how that would work with both of us having other primaries.

So if anyone has any advice as to how that could work (cause we talked a little about it and would both love to have it if it is feasible) I'd love to hear that.

I've seen queries about this subject on fetlife every couple of weeks or so, and there's usually lots of advice from people who are in that position, mainly on the poly and kinky forum, but you also might find it just as interesting to read the Two Dominants forum (I havent but...) since it still also will deal with not stepping on others toes/co-operating in that sort of dynamic, and fetlife's search function sucks so I couldn't find any of the threads about the subject easily in P&K :rolleyes:
 
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Well this morning was an interesting conversation with Primal. He told me that he's starting to have moments (fleeting ones) of conflict with our relationship and his polyamory. He's told me that he would love to have a 24/7 M/S relationship with me but the conflict part arises because he doesn't see how that would work with both of us having other primaries.

I have been thinking about this too, but for other reasons. I have heard from reliable sources that within the next decade or so, cloning booths will become available at the consumer level. Anyone will be able to enter a cloning booth, insert their tattoo, and in less time than it takes to get a prescription filled while you wait, a fully operational clone of oneself will be rendered for use at one's discretion.

Currently, prototypes and beta versions are being piloted in most major cities throughout Japan. Subscribe to our mailing list and be among the first to know when this technology becomes available in your region of first-world Western society (including most of Eastern Europe - because let's face it - those folks are suckers for anything with the word "Japon" on it, or with a good ad slogan. Especially the Czech. But i digress. PM me if you want the answer).
 
Respect and True Dominant Personalities

Well this morning was an interesting conversation with Primal. He told me that he's starting to have moments (fleeting ones) of conflict with our relationship and his polyamory. He's told me that he would love to have a 24/7 M/S relationship with me but the conflict part arises because he doesn't see how that would work with both of us having other primaries.

So if anyone has any advice as to how that could work (cause we talked a little about it and would both love to have it if it is feasible) I'd love to hear that.

Giving up all control of your body, your mind and it's will to another only works well if when control is not undeserved. When talking about instances that are more than role playing, or more than specific situations, especially as full time as seven days a week for all 23hours and 55minutes of all seven days, would only be wise to do so if You knew a Master who could help You learn to fulfill Your dreams. The One Who could do that may be deserving of your submission, and having a primary that is not your Master won't hinder that. It takes a person who accepts your submission for your benefit, not theirs. But the common Dom/sub dynamic will be problematic as some "Doms" have trouble understanding what being responsible with power and control over others entails. Bending rules of authority over rights, and whose permission must be granted for anyone to have control over one's rights spells doom.

The line that separates abusive behavior from desired behavior can never be blurred as blurring said line is often more dangerous than outright abuse.
 
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Dirtclusit, you do realize that didn't answer my question at all?

Anyways, primal and I are going to use the advice doing the amended 24/7 for whenever other partners aren't there and via the phone when we are at work or apart for other reasons.
 
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