Couple-hunting in Unicornia

My metamour is in a really bad place now. My prospective partner says it's something they'll have to fix together. The wife is considerably less into polyamory - this has come up before, prior to me.

But how to make her see it's not that she is loved any less, but the exact opposite is occurring?

It sounds to me like this may be something that she has to work through with her husband and there is probably not much you can do. One thing though is to just be EXTREMELY honest and open and just let her know that you will not do anything without her knowledge and that you are not there to interfere/come between her relationship with her husband. making that very clear and that you love both of them, may make her feel more secure and more able to move forward. I am betting that probably her biggest fear is that in loving you he will love her less, or even that with you in the picture he will stop loving her. These are fears I have struggled with, so that is my guess. ;)

I hope that helps!
 
It sounds to me like this may be something that she has to work through with her husband and there is probably not much you can do.

Ditto. I try my best to stay out of metamour love problems. I will offer support to the person I am with... but I don't interfere. It isn't my place and it shouldn' t be
 
Thank you, everyone!

Haven't been able to post for a while due to health issues, but now I think I'm back in the game!

Great input, thank you. I will be there if I'm needed, but will not impose myself on anyone.

Recent things that have popped into my mind with a new physical relationship in the works;

1) BDSM. Does. Not. Excite. Me. Sexually. Will a mixed-orientation relationship with me and a BDSM enthusiast ever work, or shall we eventually grow frustrated/bored? I'm hoping it could be a shared hobby, I'm always open to learning new stuff, but can I really trivialize someone's sexual identity to the level of a hobby?

2) Time-management, or why do I keep receiving text messages? I know the answer for this; take a calendar and schedule. I hate giving the impression that I'm not as eager as I am, but I just require a lot of me time and am not interested in constant instant communication, powered by modern communication technologies. How to say stop blowing up my phone nicely? It's not that I don't like them; I just require a lot less constant in-touchness than I think most people do.
 
1) BDSM. Does. Not. Excite. Me. Sexually. Will a mixed-orientation relationship with me and a BDSM enthusiast ever work, or shall we eventually grow frustrated/bored? I'm hoping it could be a shared hobby, I'm always open to learning new stuff, but can I really trivialize someone's sexual identity to the level of a hobby?

Relationships between poly vanillas and kinksters can work. Lots of kinky people also enjoy straight up hot intense vanilla sex. As long as they are poly, they could get the good vanilla sex with you and look for the sprinkles and hot fudge sauce elsewhere.
 
I suck at relationships

Well, maybe not really, but let's say I'm out of touch.

What is the first ground rule for getting involved with ANYONE, on romantic or friendship basis? Anyone?

Yeah, you sir right there. You know the answer don't you. And the couple holding hands in front knows it too. That's why they're holding hands in the first place. Yep, how could I forget about it? It's not like I haven't had any friends or partners ever before.

Be yourself as you truly are, not trying to guess what your prospective partner wants you to be and then trying to act like it.

Yeah, I know, I have issues. I generally don't believe people want to hang out or have sex with me for any other than purely humanitarian concerns. I also tend to think people well in their twenties and beyond are way too young to avoid getting entangled with me and well in above their heads, so I'm trying to prepare their escape routes for them. I'm basically a walking 'Please don't date me, I'm way too clingy for you' sign. If I as much as find I like someone, I get immediately super concerned in thinking I might be smothering them with my love.

I'm a nice girl, really. I'd date me. For whatever reason, I do believe other's generally wouldn't. I blame it on having been constantly told I'm too this or that, too weird, too intense, too loud, too talkative, too off, too smart, too competent, too pushy, too passionate what-the-fuck-ever. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself 'too' was a dirty word.

For now, I'm going to be just too much myself. That will either kick-start this relationship, or send it all to hell. But I am too tired to tiptoe around anyone right now.
 
"For now, I'm going to be just too much myself. That will either kick-start this relationship, or send it all to hell. But I am too tired to tiptoe around anyone right now. "

Absolutely!!! Your partner(s) may be dear to you, but it'll save everyone a lot of pain if a fundamental lack of compatability is revealed at the start. Gottagottagotta be yourself.
 
1) BDSM. Does. Not. Excite. Me. Sexually. Will a mixed-orientation relationship with me and a BDSM enthusiast ever work, or shall we eventually grow frustrated/bored? I'm hoping it could be a shared hobby, I'm always open to learning new stuff, but can I really trivialize someone's sexual identity to the level of a hobby?

I think it depends on how essential it is to the other person's sexuality. Like, me, I have serious submissive leanings (with certain people anyway) but I'm perfectly capable of craving and enjoying-to-pieces vanilla sex and vanilla love. Especially considering that your partner is living a poly lifestyle, there's no reason he can't have a slice of vanilla and a slice of chocolate... unless he ONLY likes chocolate, and then your vanilla self might have a problem.
 
1) BDSM. Does. Not. Excite. Me. Sexually.

I had to smile when I read this. I agree completely. I think I can see how BDSM could be great for someone else, but not so sure about myself. May I suggest, just go to your partner with the disclaimer ahead of time that it may not be for you and then experiement a little! Maybe some of it will excite you (I think I may be more excited by all the leather more than anything else, myself!)? If not, then jsut tell them. As long as you are honest, it is not reducing it to a hobby or being disrespectful. :p

2) Time-management, or why do I keep receiving text messages? I know the answer for this; take a calendar and schedule. I hate giving the impression that I'm not as eager as I am, but I just require a lot of me time and am not interested in constant instant communication, powered by modern communication technologies.

I like the occasional text message, but a continuous stream can be annoying for sure! When it gets to be annoying (you are discussing abstract concepts one sentence, or even word, at a time) just pick up the phone if you can and tell them to talk to you that way. OR if you are at work or otherwise unable to talk then text them one time that you are busy and then turn the phone to silent. Most chronic texters figure out pretty quick that you are not afflicted with the bug if they do not get a response for an hour. Don't feel guilty if you have told them one time that it is not a good time and then they keept texting, you have set a limit - they should respect that.

As far as time management in the stricktist sense: I am very bad at this and can barely juggle my husband, my 2 kids (12 and 2), my friendships, my job, and my school (in a master's program). I have no idea how we will find the time for everyone once we are ready to find a third....good luck! ;)
 
What is the first ground rule for getting involved with ANYONE, on romantic or friendship basis? Anyone?

Be yourself as you truly are, not trying to guess what your prospective partner wants you to be and then trying to act like it.

Ding! Ding! DING! You are absolutely right! I think that too often people try to be what their partner wants them to be (or what they think their partner wants them to be?) and being someone other than yourself cannot ever be sustained for long. More to the point, not being YOU is depriving that person of really loving you.

I definitely understand though. I have almost made an art form of doing this ("being" what my partners want). I am extremely good at anticipating other people's needs and wants and usually try to conform to them unconsciously. It is something about myself that I have been working on for a long time and still work on. When you do this for too long it becomes hard for even you to know what you want or who you are. Not good for obvious reasons. It makes me a great gift giver though (and I bet you are, too, BlackUnicorn)! ;)

For now, I'm going to be just too much myself. That will either kick-start this relationship, or send it all to hell. But I am too tired to tiptoe around anyone right now.

I don't think you can be "too" much yourself at all. From what I can see, you seem like a wonderful person who is perfect just the way you are. Be yourself and if they don't like it, forget them! :D
 
looking for a unicorn from the wife's POV

I must say I (Heather, the wife in a couple looking to be a unicorn's one and only couple again) can relate very well to the issues she is having. When we first became involved with our beautiful girlie it was very scary. It was a first time adventure and we had no idea what we were looking for or what would or could happen.
I was afraid that feelings would arise between the two of them and that I would be left alone.

I suggest creating a bond with her. Spend as much time with her as you can, reassure her, make her feel safe. Be attentive to her. When she is afraid, stop to calm her fears.Take good care of her, and she will be very willing to in return give you the world. After all, how can anyone not fall in love with that, right? I sure did.

It takes a lot for a wife to give up so much, and that is what it feels like to her now. So it is your job to fill the spaces and the holes she opens in her heart to make room for you and it is important to keep them filled.

You have a lot of work ahead of you, but it is so so rewarding. Best of luck to all of you :)

-- Posted by Heather
 
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I agree

I (Kris) agree, just because it didn't start as an equal relationship, does not mean that it can not grow into one.

We started the same, as just looking for a sexual partner, but we found the relationship that developed was MUCH more rewarding & filled a part of us we didn't know was missing.

the main key is Talking & Honesty, tell it like it is & don't hide anything.
Everyone's feelings are important!

-- Posted by Kris
 
Ooh, so much love!

Seriously, thank you everyone! If this flu shall not be the death of me, I have received so much warm-hearted and totally valid advice I can keep on another decade of poly with this!

Not been posting for a while since wasn't sure exactly how to formulate. But yeah, my second polyship is now over. His call, not mine. And what did we learn?

1) Orgasms are just that - orgasms. They do not great sex make. What makes sex great again?
2) Enthusiasm. Without enthusiasm over your partner and that 'OMG we're having sex this is SOO exciting I can't wait for you to take your clothers off' feeling sex feels like assisted masturbation. And I hear they make toys for that.
3) What makes sex horrible, provided it's consensual and reasonably safe and sane? Feeling like you are an item to be ticked off on someone's 'To Do'-list.

And finally, I shall quote Ms. Germaine Greer;

'I'd rather be in no relationship than be in a bad relationship, and rather have no sex than have bad sex.'

Hear hear!
 
I've been wondering lately how much of my enthusiasm for poly is fueled by a general feeling of loneliness. Not to say that it's wrong to want multiple relationships as a response to loneliness, but just wondering at the timing. I've been heavily involved with caring until very recently and now that I'm not so sorely needed anymore I find I have more free time in my hands than ever before. And also, when I think on it hard, there aren't that many people close by I can just comfortably hang out with.
 
I've been wondering lately how much of my enthusiasm for poly is fueled by a general feeling of loneliness. Not to say that it's wrong to want multiple relationships as a response to loneliness, but just wondering at the timing. I've been heavily involved with caring until very recently and now that I'm not so sorely needed anymore I find I have more free time in my hands than ever before. And also, when I think on it hard, there aren't that many people close by I can just comfortably hang out with.

Speaking of time, Ive noticed Heather & I have an AMPLE amount of time since our triangle ended that were not sure what to do with.

We have started searching on OKcupid & actually got a couple of replies, but most want to move much faster than we are ready for yet.

I guess were looking for ppl to comfortably hang out with first too.
 
Why my newly-acquired metamour-with-benefits is such a great guy

We have started searching on OKcupid & actually got a couple of replies, but most want to move much faster than we are ready for yet.

I can sympathize. I think part of it is the feeling of 'oh wow I never new people like this actually existed I'm so psyched right now let's all move out to the countryside and start a big poly family together'.

Unicorns are tough. We can be so giving it goes a bit over-board sometimes.

But, the issue of the day, or how to be a great guy and metamour-with-benefits (MwB) par excellance.

He suggested taking the kids out for a LONG walk to let me and lady wife spend some quality time together without her having to go constantly check on the baby.

Seriously, this guy is lovable. I love cuddling with him. I think we will definitely be great friends and after some adjusting, probably have fun sexy times together too. But things like these make me feel all ooshy-mooshy inside. There is nothing quite as endearing as a guy who treats his wife like a real person and who knows how to share.

Yeah, a serious case of metamour-crush developing.
 
Coming out, part 2

So yesterday night I came clean to Mum. About everything.

1) Sweetheart. She asked me if I am going to fall apart in the case he dies on duty. I said it's better to have loved and lost than not having loved at all. She disagrees.

2) Mr. and Mrs. Sweets. She fears that when I inevitably at some point want to find a partner to get married to and have children with, this will be a phase of my life I will have to hide in fear of it ever coming out. I think she feels I've swam so far against the mainstream that I risk drowning, that somehow I will be 'ruined goods' for 'normal' relationships from now on.

She expressed how surprised she was that she has not been successful in transmitting any of her values to me. She fears I will burn badly and is so sorry to know I have no self-respect. I told her that my self-respect isn't as intimately tied to the details of my sex life as she implies. She says she doesn't get it, that she comes from such a different culture and viewpoint that there's no point arguing over it.

She feels this is just me looking for self-validation and acceptance through sex. I disagree. Sex is the least part of this lifestyle but I don't know how to explain it to her. She asked me if I was cheating on my ex. She said she wonders if I am capable of sexual fidelity at all, or if I'm doomed to cheat on my partners and incapable of monogamy (for clarification, I've never cheated, and am more than capable of sexual fidelity).

I decided to come clean when after being caught in yet another lie, I told her that I fear she will not be able to handle the truth. She said so many people have lied to her in her life, all meaning well, all trying to protect her, that she was sick to her stomach with it. So I told her everything. She said it was I who was afraid of people abandoning me if they knew the truth about me, which is very true, I think. Here's to my mono Mum giving me a lesson in the dangers of projecting our feelings to our partners in intimate relationships :rolleyes:.

Tonight I am going to see a recital and then we have a tv night with Mum. I wanted to share this in case there are people on this forum who still live with their parents or are otherwise in daily contact with them and find it exceedingly impractical and taxing to hide the specifics of their love lives from their folks. In sort of 'this is what you might expect' kind of way.
 
WARNING - non-polyamory related post

There is a piece of paper on my desk that I constantly take a look at. On it I've written the names of the people in my spiritual group and linked everyone together in a circular pattern. Just a little outside of the circle there are two new names that I've been wanting invite to our group.

The problem? Our group would become unwieldy with the addition of TWO new members. Not only would we run out of meeting space and the chances of finding a date to suit everyone would decrease exponentially, there is the much bigger problem of the group no longer being the safe intimate place it is. There would be no longer psychological room for everyone to express themselves as freely as before. The group dynamics would change for good and not in a positive way.

The natural thing to do would be to split the group into two. But nobody really wants that. We have become so close and so comfy and everyone's having such a great time together, which means of course that very little progress is made. But comfort zones are called that for a reason - it would be really uncomfortable to venture far afield beyond them.

Something needs to be done but I console myself with that little note, which sort of serves to symbolize that I am thinking about it. I don't want anyone to lose interest if they are randomly assigned to a new group they are no longer having fun in. I think this calls for a group meeting - everyone should be allowed a say in how they want this to progress. If I am the only one wanting to change then we'll continue as before.
 
Rules abound

All the rules other people seem to be having weird me out. 'You can't have sex with so and so, not for the time being, you can't kiss, no alone time, just threesomes, both are allowed one additional partner, always let me know if you are meeting up with someone, if you want to add another partner we need to discuss that...'

Not all of the above are rules, of course, guidelines maybe. People have those in place because of real issues. But I think having iron-clad rules set in place from the get go can really stop the situation from progressing beyond anything than weird power-games over who is having how much time with whom.

Maybe in poly time is the only thing left of which you can be legitimately jealous of? I don't mind getting involved with people who have relationship-specific rules/guidelines, but would balk at somebody trying to include me in them. Like the whole 'we can't date separately - you have to like/do/date/love both of us equally forever more'.
 
A few posts up, you said something that sparked my interest. Wondering if polyamory was a way to get around loneliness. I've wondered the same thing. And also if it relates to my feelings regarding how I missed out w/ family growing up and wanting to make up for lost time.

The rules are hard. And when there's a ceiling. Like, only get this attached. If you can't handle the places a relationship could likely go, then maybe you shouldn't open the door in the first place. It's like people want to experiment but they don't think about the poor souls that they use who have real feelings and end up getting crushed. Or when a spouse isn't okay with something but has no intention of trying to work through the issues so it just becomes a standstill, rather than a slow place.

Ah, the pitfalls of being a Unicorn. I guess, technically, I wasn't a unicorn since I wasn't involved with A but I feel like I want to avoid the married folk for a good long time.
 
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