Rollercoaster
Feeling very up, down, and all over the place today. The sucky news I received a few days ago had less of an effect on me than I thought it might, and I was feeling a bit of relief over some issues I now wouldn't have to deal with because of it, although I am still disappointed and a tad disoriented in trying to adjust to this new, unexpected scenario. Then the feeling of being upset came back when certain behaviors of other people only exacerbated the suckiness of it all. I have moments of feeling unappreciated, old, dismissed, and like a failure with nothing worthwhile going on in my life, and foolish to think anything will go right. Then I get angry, then somewhat motivated, then a burst of energy moves through me and I start getting things done, but then a wave of sadness washes over me, and then I'm disappointed and upset all over again.
I'm trying to stay present and get shit done, but my mind keeps pulling me out of the moment. I want to contact this guy I met a couple weeks ago, about whom I feel very excited -- I want to get to know him better, and fuck him like crazy -- but I am feeling like too much of a mess to text him.
I feel like I want to just take off and disappear, and go live in seclusion in the woods somewhere. Because, y'know, in general people suck.