My boyfriend (we'll call him Matt) and I have been together for a year and a half. I told him before we even started dating that I was poly, and he said that he was completely okay with that. Up until a couple of months ago, he was the only person I was dating. He asked a few people out and went on some dates. He said that he loved not having to hide his crushes or stop himself from pursuing other people, which was great! And he said that if I ever wanted to ask someone out, then he 100% supported that.
Four months ago, Matt and I went out to an event on the other side of the country so that he could see his old friends from there. While we were there, I got a crush on his best friend (we'll call him Ethan). I told Matt that I thought Ethan was really cute, and Matt told me to go for it. I chickened out twice and he encouraged me to try again. And Ethan was interested! We really hit it off. But when I told Matt about it, he was quiet for the rest of the day. Then he told Ethan and I that he was feeling really awful when he didn't expect to, but that he'd try to work through it. Ethan and I went ahead with plans.
After the trip, Matt said he felt angry and betrayed. He said that Ethan and I abandoned him. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. He spent a lot of time messaging back and forth with Ethan, trying to figure out how to stop hurting.
Ethan and I made plans for me to come out and see him in a month and a half. Matt was initially very supportive of this. He told me that he thought he was okay now, and that he wanted me to go out and have a good time. But when I bought the plane tickets, he started to panic. And he got more and more hostile as the trip got closer, until he told Ethan that if he continued to pursue me, then they would be enemies. They stopped talking after that.
Matt begged me not to go. I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry that he was hurting, but that I wasn't going to snuff out my relationship with Ethan for him. He told me that he might end his life if I left, and asked me if doing this was worth that to me. I got scared, told him that I'm not responsible for his life. I tried to talk it out, but nothing worked. I went on the trip. It was amazing, but when I came back, Matt told me that it took everthing he had to stay alive, and that I need to take responsibility for what I've done to him. We fought about it, and after a while, we made up, but it felt like we were just ignoring the problem. He told me to never talk about Ethan.
Recently, he straight up told me to break up with Ethan. He said that I was being selfish, that he needed me to break up with Ethan so that he'd have the space to get over his insecurities, that we wouldn't have these problems in our relationship if I'd just leave Ethan. I told him that I wouldn't end a relationship with one partner just because it makes one of my other partners uncomfortable. He asked me why I would do something that hurts him so much if I love him, and no answer I had would satisfy him.
I don't know what to do! Am I being selfish? Am I being unreasonable? What should I be doing differently?
TL;DR:
My boyfriend encouraged me to go out with his best friend, and when I did, he got uncomfortable and demanded that I stop.
Four months ago, Matt and I went out to an event on the other side of the country so that he could see his old friends from there. While we were there, I got a crush on his best friend (we'll call him Ethan). I told Matt that I thought Ethan was really cute, and Matt told me to go for it. I chickened out twice and he encouraged me to try again. And Ethan was interested! We really hit it off. But when I told Matt about it, he was quiet for the rest of the day. Then he told Ethan and I that he was feeling really awful when he didn't expect to, but that he'd try to work through it. Ethan and I went ahead with plans.
After the trip, Matt said he felt angry and betrayed. He said that Ethan and I abandoned him. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. He spent a lot of time messaging back and forth with Ethan, trying to figure out how to stop hurting.
Ethan and I made plans for me to come out and see him in a month and a half. Matt was initially very supportive of this. He told me that he thought he was okay now, and that he wanted me to go out and have a good time. But when I bought the plane tickets, he started to panic. And he got more and more hostile as the trip got closer, until he told Ethan that if he continued to pursue me, then they would be enemies. They stopped talking after that.
Matt begged me not to go. I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry that he was hurting, but that I wasn't going to snuff out my relationship with Ethan for him. He told me that he might end his life if I left, and asked me if doing this was worth that to me. I got scared, told him that I'm not responsible for his life. I tried to talk it out, but nothing worked. I went on the trip. It was amazing, but when I came back, Matt told me that it took everthing he had to stay alive, and that I need to take responsibility for what I've done to him. We fought about it, and after a while, we made up, but it felt like we were just ignoring the problem. He told me to never talk about Ethan.
Recently, he straight up told me to break up with Ethan. He said that I was being selfish, that he needed me to break up with Ethan so that he'd have the space to get over his insecurities, that we wouldn't have these problems in our relationship if I'd just leave Ethan. I told him that I wouldn't end a relationship with one partner just because it makes one of my other partners uncomfortable. He asked me why I would do something that hurts him so much if I love him, and no answer I had would satisfy him.
I don't know what to do! Am I being selfish? Am I being unreasonable? What should I be doing differently?
TL;DR:
My boyfriend encouraged me to go out with his best friend, and when I did, he got uncomfortable and demanded that I stop.