My boyfriend told me to break up with my other partner

Annika

New member
My boyfriend (we'll call him Matt) and I have been together for a year and a half. I told him before we even started dating that I was poly, and he said that he was completely okay with that. Up until a couple of months ago, he was the only person I was dating. He asked a few people out and went on some dates. He said that he loved not having to hide his crushes or stop himself from pursuing other people, which was great! And he said that if I ever wanted to ask someone out, then he 100% supported that.

Four months ago, Matt and I went out to an event on the other side of the country so that he could see his old friends from there. While we were there, I got a crush on his best friend (we'll call him Ethan). I told Matt that I thought Ethan was really cute, and Matt told me to go for it. I chickened out twice and he encouraged me to try again. And Ethan was interested! We really hit it off. But when I told Matt about it, he was quiet for the rest of the day. Then he told Ethan and I that he was feeling really awful when he didn't expect to, but that he'd try to work through it. Ethan and I went ahead with plans.

After the trip, Matt said he felt angry and betrayed. He said that Ethan and I abandoned him. I couldn't figure out what I did wrong. He spent a lot of time messaging back and forth with Ethan, trying to figure out how to stop hurting.

Ethan and I made plans for me to come out and see him in a month and a half. Matt was initially very supportive of this. He told me that he thought he was okay now, and that he wanted me to go out and have a good time. But when I bought the plane tickets, he started to panic. And he got more and more hostile as the trip got closer, until he told Ethan that if he continued to pursue me, then they would be enemies. They stopped talking after that.

Matt begged me not to go. I told him that I loved him and that I was sorry that he was hurting, but that I wasn't going to snuff out my relationship with Ethan for him. He told me that he might end his life if I left, and asked me if doing this was worth that to me. I got scared, told him that I'm not responsible for his life. I tried to talk it out, but nothing worked. I went on the trip. It was amazing, but when I came back, Matt told me that it took everthing he had to stay alive, and that I need to take responsibility for what I've done to him. We fought about it, and after a while, we made up, but it felt like we were just ignoring the problem. He told me to never talk about Ethan.

Recently, he straight up told me to break up with Ethan. He said that I was being selfish, that he needed me to break up with Ethan so that he'd have the space to get over his insecurities, that we wouldn't have these problems in our relationship if I'd just leave Ethan. I told him that I wouldn't end a relationship with one partner just because it makes one of my other partners uncomfortable. He asked me why I would do something that hurts him so much if I love him, and no answer I had would satisfy him.

I don't know what to do! Am I being selfish? Am I being unreasonable? What should I be doing differently?

TL;DR:
My boyfriend encouraged me to go out with his best friend, and when I did, he got uncomfortable and demanded that I stop.
 
Hello Annika,

The thing is, to me, that Matt gave you his specific go-ahead for you to start a relationship with Ethan. Sure he changed his mind later, but by that time, your relationship with Ethan had already been established. If you broke up with Ethan now, that wouldn't just affect you, that would affect Ethan. So it's not fair to Ethan, for one thing. And it's not fair to you. Neither you nor Ethan has done anything wrong.

Is Matt saying that if you broke up with Ethan, then Matt would be able to handle you seeing other men in the future? If so, I am skeptical. He already gave you his word that he would be okay with you starting a relationship with Ethan, and he did not keep his word. Why should he keep it in the future? If he was (spectacularly) wrong about how he'd feel about you and Ethan, why should he be right about how he'd feel in the future? He cannot make you those guarantees.

And I'm not sure he's not just saying that he'd be okay with you breaking up with Ethan and then not getting together with any other guys -- not ever. If that is what he's saying, it might at least be more honest. He's okay with himself having other partners. He's not okay with you having other partners.

And you are absolutely not responsible for his talk about committing suicide. That was his own idea, he just wants you to be the responsible party. Honestly, if you are going to break up with someone, I would suggest breaking up with Matt. He's not ready for a relationship, much less a poly relationship.

Anyway, most of what Matt is saying is a red herring. The only thing that really matters here is that Matt told you, explicitly, that it was okay with him if you had a relationship with Ethan. Now he wants to change his tune. The only way this could even be technically okay is if you and Matt had a veto agreement in place. I'm thinking that you did not, but if you did, then Matt technically has your word that you would let him veto any relationship of yours at any time. Which, by the way, is exactly why veto agreements are such a bad idea.

I am not involved in your situation, so do take what I've said here with a grain of salt. It's just my opinion; use your own best judgment. I feel badly for you, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I hope you can work things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I would be dumping Matt to be honest.

You are NOT responsible for his insecurities and issues. I would not tolerate the ultimatum of "I am going to kill myself". First of all if he honestly meant ot then he needs help. Second if he "just said it because he is upset" that is a pretty fucked up thing to say. It would be manipulation.

Frankly I would have called the authorities and his family immediately and sent them the evidence of what he said so he could get help.

But I would bow out of the relationship with Matt. It isn't your job to be his security blanket and dumping Ethan wpuld frankly give him power over you.
 
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100% with Dagferi.

Matt’s behavior is way off the chart of “stuff to try to work out” for me.

In other circumstances, a before-the-fact talk about “messy people” might be in order, to give everyone a chance to anticipate and avoid this kind of problem.

But again. Matt’s behavior is inexcusable. In your shoes, I could not be convinced to trust him ever again.
 
Is Matt saying that if you broke up with Ethan, then Matt would be able to handle you seeing other men in the future? If so, I am skeptical. He already gave you his word that he would be okay with you starting a relationship with Ethan, and he did not keep his word. Why should he keep it in the future? If he was (spectacularly) wrong about how he'd feel about you and Ethan, why should he be right about how he'd feel in the future? He cannot make you those guarantees.

And I'm not sure he's not just saying that he'd be okay with you breaking up with Ethan and then not getting together with any other guys -- not ever. If that is what he's saying, it might at least be more honest. He's okay with himself having other partners. He's not okay with you having other partners.

And you are absolutely not responsible for his talk about committing suicide. That was his own idea, he just wants you to be the responsible party. Honestly, if you are going to break up with someone, I would suggest breaking up with Matt. He's not ready for a relationship, much less a poly relationship.

Anyway, most of what Matt is saying is a red herring. The only thing that really matters here is that Matt told you, explicitly, that it was okay with him if you had a relationship with Ethan. Now he wants to change his tune. The only way this could even be technically okay is if you and Matt had a veto agreement in place. I'm thinking that you did not, but if you did, then Matt technically has your word that you would let him veto any relationship of yours at any time. Which, by the way, is exactly why veto agreements are such a bad idea.

.
Thank you so much for your reply! I really appreciate your thoughtfulness. :)

We don't have a veto agreement; I would never consent to one. He said that he intends for the breakup to be temporary, while he gets room to breathe and work through things, and that if I did break up with Ethan then I could just pick things back up later.

I'm skeptical, like you are; I'm afraid that he'll never work through it, and if I leave Ethan, that I might just make it easier for him to ignore his issues. And I explained that Ethan probably wouldn't appreciate being vetoed and might be hesitant to get back into a relationship with someone who would do that to him. I'm definitely not breaking up with Ethan over this. Matt did say that he would probably be most comfortable in a situation where I don't see any other guys but he can see other people, but he also said that he doesn't want to ask that of me because it would be unfair.

It's frustrating because Matt is normally so supportive, reasonable, and compromising. He's always bent over backwards to make me comfortable without being asked. But he's acting so different about this one issue.
 
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It's a jealousy and ownership dynamic that irks me with what you say about Matt. ..or something I call one sided Poly. In Matt's mind OK for him to go and have relationships but you can't because he is uncomfortable. More than likely it's with intimacy issues that you are having a relationship with another person especially a good friend of his. Although I would suspect he would have those same feelings if it were a stranger to him as well. Talk of suicide is a control aspect to get you to do what he wants. Otherwise, he needs to see a counselor and work out his issues. Either way it's not on you.

I would seriously be having second thoughts of the entire relationship with Matt. Not sure what he expected when he did the encouraging. Many men can't get over the, excuse the bluntness here, another mans penis in "His" girlfriends vagina. There is your jealousy in a nutshell. It's not insurmountable, but with the shitshow he gave you when you came back from your trip is pretty red flag that he probably can't change.

It's really on you to figure out whats best for you. Take everyones opinion and formulate the one thats best for you. I am sorry you are in the situation that you are... I do hope things work out for the best with your situation.

-Jay
 
That's really too bad. But poly is hard. There's a learning curve. Something might seem a turn-on in fantasy, but when it starts happening for real, it can seem much different.

But quite often poly people have "messy persons" lists. Like, don't fuck my sister, my bff, my mom, my dad, my aunt, my boss, my co-worker, your co-worker, my brother.

I think Matt had no idea sharing his bff with you would be so hard. This isn't such a far out idea. But to threaten suicide is just way out of line.
 
You told Matt before you even started dating that you were poly, and he said that he was completely okay with that. So this isn't coming from nowhere. You didn't lie and this isn't a surprise. You asked him if dating Ethan was ok. He said it was. Matt encouraged it. From your end, you were approaching it ethically.

It may be that Matt realized that Ethan is one of his "messy people." People who would be too weird for you to date -- like his father, his brother, his boss, and perhaps his best friend. Which sucks to come to the realization AFTER you are already started dating Ethan. Would have been better to know this ahead of time rather than after.

That said?

Guilt tripping you/threatening you with suicide gestures not appropriate behavior nor is it the mark of a healthy dynamic.

I think you did the right thing. Matt's health is NOT your responsibility.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/11/manipulated-by-suicide-threats/

If Matt needs to step away from this to sort out his mental health first? Then he could do that. If he doesn't do that? Then YOU do it for him -- end the relationship with Matt and point him to healthcare. If he gets under management, you can think about getting back together later. Or not.

He told me that he might end his life if I left, and asked me if doing this was worth that to me. I got scared, told him that I'm not responsible for his life. I tried to talk it out, but nothing worked. I went on the trip. It was amazing, but when I came back, Matt told me that it took everthing he had to stay alive, and that I need to take responsibility for what I've done to him.

I am glad you told him you are not responsible for his life. His life and his health care is Matt's responsibility. If he is suicidal, he could check himself into ER, make a doc appointment, call a hotline, make a suicide management plan, etc. If he is failing to do that? That is him failing to do that. It isn't you doing things to him.

If he thought he could be ok with you dating his friend, and it turned out he cannot? That is not your doing either. That is Matt arriving at a personal limitation. He has to digest that and figure out if it is a hard limit or a soft limit. This is intrapersonal work. This is not stuff you can do FOR him.

Holding you like "emotional hostage" over it like that is no good. Threatening to kill himself over it is messed up. You do not exist to be his "life raft" person in life. You have your OWN life to lead. Not always be his keeper or warden to make sure he doesn't kill himself. What kind of life is that for YOU?

He said that I was being selfish, that he needed me to break up with Ethan so that he'd have the space to get over his insecurities, that we wouldn't have these problems in our relationship if I'd just leave Ethan.

It is possible for Matt to create the space he needs by asking you to dial down the NRE around him. Or chill on other behaviors around him like not text Ethan when on a date with Matt. Matt could also create space for himself by ending it with you.

I wonder if it doesn't really matter that this time it is Ethan? ANYONE you date would have triggered all this? Is it that he only wanted Open on his side but not yours?

You three are adults. You all consented to ride the Poly Bus. If Matt changed his mind and no longer wants to ride like this because Ethan is now on the bus? He can change his mind. He can pick what to do too.

  • Matt can choose to stay on the bus but put some distance between his chair and Ethan's chair. Have a very separate V, dial down the NRE around him, work on poly hell issues and his mental health issues.

  • Matt can choose to get off the poly bus entirely and not consent to do a poly V with you and Ethan any more. And work on his mental health issues.

Or if Matt makes you be president-of-all? You can make the choice for him:

  • You can end it with Matt and encourage him to work on his mental health stuff.

I prefer people be in charge of their own selves. But if someone insists on you being in charge of their well being? Makes you be president-of-all? Go ahead. Make the choice for them then.

End the relationship to take the pan off the burner and reduce the stimulus/pressure, point Matt toward a doctor to address his healthcare and then let it go. Let Matt be in charge of his life and his healthcare. There. Now he has lots of space.

Hopefully he uses it to attend to his health things appropriately.

If you choose to get back together with Matt later on, make sure he has his health stuff under management.

If you prefer not to? That's ok too.

Galagirl
 
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I don't think it's helpful to try to diagnose someone over the internet, especially seeing as that you have never met the person.


Regardless of whether or not Matt is Borderline is not the issue, and it's not right to try to label HIM; this board is not chock-ful of mental health professionals, and no real professional would try to diagnose someone based on this sketchy information.

Matt's BEHAVIORS are something that can be commented on. He shouldn't have drawn the suicide card, and that would be a deal-breaker for me.
 
Re (from Annika):
"He said that he intends for the breakup to be temporary, while he gets room to breathe and work through things, and that if I did break up with Ethan then I could just pick things back up later."

That sounds nice in theory. But there are two problems. First, there's no guarantee that Ethan would *want* to pick things back up again. Second, Matt has been wrong about what he could handle in the past. Now he purports to know what he could handle in the future. Assuming he honestly believes taking a break would fix things for him, he could still easily be wrong. You could take a break, then pick things back up with Ethan, only to have Matt freak out all over again.

In spite of those two problems, you could try the break that Matt wants you to try. Things might work out. It would be a gamble. You'd have to decide if you wanted to take that risk. If it worked out, you would be able to keep both Matt and Ethan and have it be a cordial situation. Which would make the risk worth it. If it worked out. Difficult decision, you'll have to decide. Do you want to take the gamble.

Re:
"I explained that Ethan probably wouldn't appreciate being vetoed and might be hesitant to get back into a relationship with someone who would do that to him."

Exactly.

I am sorry that Matt is acting so out of character. I hear you that he is normally supportive and reasonable. He's done a sudden 180° and that is discouraging.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.
 
The title of this thread literally made me cringe. I was expecting to see some ownership mentality going on. But then the dating the boyfriend's best friend made me cringe as well.

This is the first guy you showed an interest in, but it's a friend of his. That makes it hard to tell if it's an ownership thing or, as GalaGirl mentioned, a messy person thing.

BTW, his behavior seems normal for someone who is just staring this journey, even if he is being something if a drama queen. The question is whether or not he will be able to work this out. He may figure out he us not to for poly.
 
I just saw your second post.

He said that he intends for the breakup to be temporary, while he gets room to breathe and work through things, and that if I did break up with Ethan then I could just pick things back up later.

But who is in charge of the (you + Ethan) dyad? I assume you and Ethan. NOT Matt.

The dyad he is part of is the (you+Matt) dyad. And if he needs a break to get some space to digest that this is now actually a V thing in practice rather than in theory? Then Matt could take the temporary break. And (You+Matt) can pick things back up later if/when he's ready.

It's easy to be generous and supportive when it's only theory. It's something else to be supportive when it's "real." Matt's having some challenges right now. That alone I would not mind. People need transition time.

But to me? It would be a turn off that he's doing suicide gestures at you rather than attend to his mental health appropriately, shifting blame/responsibility, acting out, etc. If dating his friend is too weird, he could have said so. There were at least 3 opportunities to do so! If he's not giving correct information, how are you supposed to work like that?

I'm skeptical, like you are; I'm afraid that he'll never work through it, and if I leave Ethan, that I might just make it easier for him to ignore his issues.

Which is why I suggest Matt take repsonsibility for his own well being and what he needs. If he needs a soft time out -- like still dating you but you agree to dial down the NRE lalas around him and not excessively talk about Ethan around him for X weeks while he sorts himself out? That is one approach.

If he needs a hard time out where you guys part ways for X weeks and then meet to see if you are going to stay apart or get back together? That's another approach.

But both approaches is Matt being in charge of HIMSELF. Both avoid Matt trying to boss around the other dyad -- a dyad that he's not even in.

Matt did say that he would probably be most comfortable in a situation where I don't see any other guys but he can see other people, but he also said that he doesn't want to ask that of me because it would be unfair.

It is not unfair to ASK that of you. You are free to accept or decline the dating offer.

I think it would been MORE CLEAR had he just put that out there from the start. Some people are ok with a mono-poly arrangement like that. But Matt isn't going to find them unless he's CLEAR about what he's up for. Then if you chose to sign up for that, you know going in what the expectations were.

Here he said he was totally fine with you being poly, so you expected both sides to be Open. That you didn't act on it until recently doesn't matter. Both sides had the option to see others.

What is the dating offer TODAY? He wants to do a relationship model where things are (closed on your side - open on his side)? If this not something you want? Then it might be easier/kinder all around to decline, end it with Matt and just poly-date Ethan.

Galagirl
 
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Not that we can diagnose Matt, but I just went through this. I FINALLY got the ability to COMPLETELY cut ties. If this is the case, don't walk. RUN. AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

As for the suicide bit - yeah...any talk of that should be a deal breaker, whether dude is borderline or not. I would end it totally. He is not mentally healthy to even say something like that, and therefore nor is the relationship.
 
Something needs to slow down— and I see you feeling it unethical to break up with one person on another’s say so.

I think it would actually be kindest to break up with Matt and let him work it out, telling him if he decides he CAN handle it, you certainly would want to.

It stops poly hell.

Or, break up with both of them and take some space to think, if you think breaking up with Matt will sour things too much with you and Ethan— it’s possible *your* messy list includes “I don’t date the best friend of my ex-boyfriend.
 
As for the suicide bit - yeah...any talk of that should be a deal breaker, whether dude is borderline or not. I would end it totally. He is not mentally healthy to even say something like that, and therefore nor is the relationship.

That would be a HUGE red flag for me too. I'd end it right there. I had a bf threaten me with that when I was 17. I had no idea what to do. Was I responsible for his LIFE? He was 24, threatening a 17 year old girl that he'd kill himself if she left him. Who the fuck does that?

That's his shit to own. He's probably just bluffing and manipulating you anyway.

A few years later, I saw the guy that did that to me on the street, walking with 2 women, talking and laughing.
 
That's really too bad. But poly is hard. There's a learning curve. Something might seem a turn-on in fantasy, but when it starts happening for real, it can seem much different.

But quite often poly people have "messy persons" lists. Like, don't fuck my sister, my bff, my mom, my dad, my aunt, my boss, my co-worker, your co-worker, my brother.

I think Matt had no idea sharing his bff with you would be so hard. This isn't such a far out idea. But to threaten suicide is just way out of line.

Wholly agree with this. Especially as it seems like this was his first poly experience, it may have been difficult for him when the first person you sparked a connection with just happened to be his best friend.

That being said, if he felt uncomfortable with that he should have communicated that from the start. Encouraging you to ask Ethan out - even pushing you to do it when you were chickening out! - and then backpedalling later isn't fair to you or Ethan.

Add to that the threats of suicide and the ultimatums? Matt is definitely not being fair here, doesn't seem like he's truly okay with poly when he can only handle it when he's got other partners and you're effectively mono, but more importantly this reeks of CONTROL issues. Using threats of suicide to try and keep you from going on the trip. No doubt to influence how comfortable you felt while away if you were worried about him hurting himself. And then trying to force you to breakup with Ethan.

Don't fall for the old, "If you loved me, you would do this (huge, personally painful, identity compromising) thing for me" line.

Even if he didn't immediately realize how hard it would be if his gf and bff started dating, that should have been a conversation followed by him either doing some self work to get past the hangups, or the two of you renegotiating and finding a compromise where you're both comfortable. Not giving relationship ultimatums, trying to force your hand, and certainly not threatening to take his own life if you don't do what he says.

The suicide threat is particularly worrisome for me. Honestly, I'm worried that if you stay with Matt his controlling behavior might escalate even further. Possibly to a point where you aren't safe.

Please be careful going forward. Best of luck.
 
We don't have a veto agreement; I would never consent to one.

Matt did say that he would probably be most comfortable in a situation where I don't see any other guys but he can see other people, but he also said that he doesn't want to ask that of me because it would be unfair.

It seems like the situation that Matt would be most comfortable with is the ultimate veto agreement. Essentially he would be vetoing any and all of your future relationships outside of him, forcing you to be monogamous in practice while he was free to practice polyamory himself.

I agree that this would be unfair. Not if you'd discussed and agreed to it at the outset. Mono-poly isn't inherently unfair. But because you were upfront about being poly before you started dating, it is ridiculous that he would expect you to suddenly be monogamous with him whilst he gets to practice polyamory by himself!

I don't really believe that if you took the break with Ethan he would be okay with you picking up with him in the future. Or anyone else for that matter. I think what he wants is a mono-poly arrangement, which is what you guys effectively had before you met Ethan. It seems like he's really looking for a return to his comfort zone, to his ideal. You may not be compatible with Matt after all, if you want to be able to practice poly that's open on both sides.
 
You told Matt before you even started dating that you were poly, and he said that he was completely okay with that. So this isn't coming from nowhere. You didn't lie and this isn't a surprise. You asked him if dating Ethan was ok. He said it was. Matt encouraged it. From your end, you were approaching it ethically.

It may be that Matt realized that Ethan is one of his "messy people." People who would be too weird for you to date -- like his father, his brother, his boss, and perhaps his best friend. Which sucks to come to the realization AFTER you are already started dating Ethan. Would have been better to know this ahead of time rather than after.

That said?

Guilt tripping you/threatening you with suicide gestures not appropriate behavior nor is it the mark of a healthy dynamic.

I think you did the right thing. Matt's health is NOT your responsibility.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/wellness/2011/11/manipulated-by-suicide-threats/

If Matt needs to step away from this to sort out his mental health first? Then he could do that. If he doesn't do that? Then YOU do it for him -- end the relationship with Matt and point him to healthcare. If he gets under management, you can think about getting back together later. Or not.



I am glad you told him you are not responsible for his life. His life and his health care is Matt's responsibility. If he is suicidal, he could check himself into ER, make a doc appointment, call a hotline, make a suicide management plan, etc. If he is failing to do that? That is him failing to do that. It isn't you doing things to him.

If he thought he could be ok with you dating his friend, and it turned out he cannot? That is not your doing either. That is Matt arriving at a personal limitation. He has to digest that and figure out if it is a hard limit or a soft limit. This is intrapersonal work. This is not stuff you can do FOR him.

Holding you like "emotional hostage" over it like that is no good. Threatening to kill himself over it is messed up. You do not exist to be his "life raft" person in life. You have your OWN life to lead. Not always be his keeper or warden to make sure he doesn't kill himself. What kind of life is that for YOU?



It is possible for Matt to create the space he needs by asking you to dial down the NRE around him. Or chill on other behaviors around him like not text Ethan when on a date with Matt. Matt could also create space for himself by ending it with you.

I wonder if it doesn't really matter that this time it is Ethan? ANYONE you date would have triggered all this? Is it that he only wanted Open on his side but not yours?

You three are adults. You all consented to ride the Poly Bus. If Matt changed his mind and no longer wants to ride like this because Ethan is now on the bus? He can change his mind. He can pick what to do too.

  • Matt can choose to stay on the bus but put some distance between his chair and Ethan's chair. Have a very separate V, dial down the NRE around him, work on poly hell issues and his mental health issues.

  • Matt can choose to get off the poly bus entirely and not consent to do a poly V with you and Ethan any more. And work on his mental health issues.

Or if Matt makes you be president-of-all? You can make the choice for him:

  • You can end it with Matt and encourage him to work on his mental health stuff.

I prefer people be in charge of their own selves. But if someone insists on you being in charge of their well being? Makes you be president-of-all? Go ahead. Make the choice for them then.

End the relationship to take the pan off the burner and reduce the stimulus/pressure, point Matt toward a doctor to address his healthcare and then let it go. Let Matt be in charge of his life and his healthcare. There. Now he has lots of space.

Hopefully he uses it to attend to his health things appropriately.

If you choose to get back together with Matt later on, make sure he has his health stuff under management.

If you prefer not to? That's ok too.

Galagirl

Hi! I know I posted about this a long time ago, but the advice you and the others gave me was wonderful last time.

A few weeks after I last posted about this, I decided to go on a break with Matt while he worked on himself (thank you to everyone here who helped me come to that decision!). Three months ago, I got back together with him. Things are going really well so far! He seems to have made a lot of positive steps with his mental health. But in two weeks, I'm going to go see Ethan in person for the first time since Matt and I got back together, and I'm nervous that things might go sideways. I'm trying to figure out how to prevent that as much as possible and how to manage it if it does. Do you have any advice?
 
I would dump Matt. If he can get a grip on himself and still wants a relationship, he can choose knowing you are already with Ethan. But frankly, I wouldn't want someone who acted like this back. This is sounding like manipulative behavior. "Want to be seen as accepting of your autonomy without actually accepting it."
 
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