Redpepper's journey

moving day

PN and LB (Little Buddy, or my boy) arrived at Mono's at 2, where Mono and I going crazy packing and getting things in one spot for the move. PN and LB got together and began taking things to the car. Mono and I concentrated on the big things.

In no time, we were off, and wouldn't you know it the rain stopped every time the truck was filled with stuff to drive to our house. By 5 we were done. I made Mono something to eat while he unpacked the last stuff.

By 6 PN and I were out to a potluck dinner that he had cooked for in the morning. Mono was unpacking. By the time we got home and said good-bye to my dad, he was almost done and we could see how he had laid out his new apartment, complete with my room and a room to do crafts and art and lie on the massage bed (Ceragem bed). It was lovely. Such a serene place. Everything painted shades of brown and green and cream. Dark blue bedspread and chair and in my room, a blue and white bed cover to match. Ahhhhh heaven. My home away from home at the bottom of an outside stair.

Last night, after I came home from burlesque practice, I watched a documentary with PN and ate popcorn. Then I went down and had a massage and chat with Mono. We snuggled in my bed and watched another documentary. Both of us fell asleep there and it was heaven. A lovely night with both my men and I was not far from either of them. I could hear LB if he got up and could hear what was going on in my family life, rather than feeling so separate across the city.

Now to see how the time will work out. So far, so good, on day two. I would think some discussion about balance is to come.

LB is so happy with this arrangement. He is so gleeful that his best grown-up friend lives with him.
 
Sigh, I am sick today and don't have a lot of energy to catch up, even though my mind is a whirl of new things coming into my head about the living arrangement we have created.

I am finding that my time with each guy is shifting, and possibly with others too. I am spending, right now, early evenings with PN and later evenings with Mono. Half the night upstairs and the other half downstairs. Then I often go up to sleep with PN. I prefer that, because I want him to feel safe in our relationship and not become threatened by Mono's presence and also because the outside stairs suck in the cold and rain in the morning when I am half asleep. Twice now I have had to go back down because I forgot to bring something up. Not only that. PN brings me coffee in bed :D and a cuddly cat and boy come and visit first thing. :D

I get alone time, but in a different way now. When PN went to bed I was alone, chatting to Mono via text and being on-line. I stayed up until 1 most nights in order to get some time to myself. Now that time is taken up hanging out with him downstairs and I find it hard to find time to do my own thing, even late at night! Sigh... how to work that out?

I love just sitting beside him, sewing my burlesque outfit for the show next week, or being online, but he talks incessantly to himself and I think he is talking to me. :) So cute. Heh, I hope you don't mind my sharing that, Mono. The upshot is that I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF THINK! :p:eek: I want to be near him though. What to do?

The other thing I have noticed is that Mono doesn't spend as much time with us as a group. He used to stay for supper, used to come over after work. Now he comes home and is here, but not upstairs.

Early days, I know, but all to be worked out, nonetheless.
 
Pick one day a week, you head to your room and hibernate, let the guys spend the evening upstairs with the boy.
 
Pick one day a week, you head to your room and hibernate, let the guys spend the evening upstairs with the boy.

This, 1000%!

You could also make a 'family' date night where all of you, LB included, fix dinner & eat together!
 
Sorry to hear you're sick. Hope you're better ASAP.

As for getting time for yourself, it sounds to me like you mainly need to decide what you really want and just ask for it.
 
Pick one day a week. You head to your room and hibernate. Let the guys spend the evening upstairs with the boy.

Good idea, but I I'm not a fan of feeling obligated to give up my space for any amount of time. I can leave her alone in her room easy enough... Jeesh, I'm not that clingy. :eek:
 
Good idea, but I I'm not a fan of feeling obligated to give up my space for any amount of time. I can leave her alone in her room easy enough. Jeesh, I'm not that clingy.

It wasn't intended as you giving up your space, but as bonding time to spend with LB while RP is MIA in her room. She did mention that there weren't as many group nights anymore, either. Gives LB something to look forward too. It was only a suggestion. It's up to you guys to find something that works for everyone.
 
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Thanks for all the great ideas, everyone. I don't really need a solution for anything, really. At the moment, I just find it all very interesting how it's all morphed into something else and continuing to do so. It's only been a week, and a very busy one at that. We have lots of time and I am sure that the NRE I have with the whole thing will settle into some normalcy.

At the moment, I am not that concerned about not getting space. I actually get more than I did before, because of other factors right now than the fact that I have a room. I am definitely feeling NRE over Mono being around and sucking that in and devouring his presence right now. I LOVE not having to say goodbye! That is the best. I think that is what my appetite for being around him right now in the middle of the night is being fueled by.

It's all good, folks. Thanks for your thoughts though. If it remains like it is now, I will consider what you've said more clearly. :)

Ahh... Sweet bliss, sleeping the my cozy sheets Derby gave me, having been tucked in by her. Listening to Mono's mouse in the other room and knowing my PN and LB are snoozing upstairs. I feel as sick as hell tonight, but oh so loved.

Last thought of the night? Derby is one sexy pretty lady. I wish I hadn't been so sick.

Night, all.
 
@redpepper- Though MonoV said that isn't the case ... Isn't it called compromise, though? I mean, I think in relationships, we all do some things we don't really want to do. These things are not things we despise or that give us negative energy (of course, then, that would have to be discussed) but they are things that we probably wouldn't do if it wasn't an interest of our partner(s). That's what we do for each other.

I don't particularly like watching football but I do watch (understand it) and interact in the entire game with my male partner. I am a big UFC fan and go out to almost all the major fights. My male partner likes it but hadn't made it a point to go out to watch the major fights and my female partner isn't into it; however, when available they accompany me to the fights and hang out with one or two of my other UFC 'comrades'. I don't celebrate traditional holidays (I don't decorate, I don't shop, I don't cook, etc) but my partners enjoy these times simply because it is the only time they can be together and hang out as a family (parents included) so I participate, doing all of those things, I don't normally do, with them. I'm not into getting massages or going to get pedi/manicures or going to the mall but my female partner is so ... well you get the point.
 
65, 69, and 76 are the posts written by Mono that go along with my thoughts here today, from this thread: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3811&page=7

The Halloween party was this past weekend and it was very fun. I had a great time and have no regrets, even though it put me flat on my back sick for two days afterwards. I over-pushed myself!

I am left feeling a lot of emotion, though. Still trying to sort it out, but I think it boils down to feeling disappointed, sad, jealous and threatened in terms of my NSBF, who I will call Leo from now on, as he is a Leo astrologically.

He didn't come over to talk to me. I went over to him each time. He spent all his time with his swinging friends and his wife. It was obvious that he was fine with doing this, and had no thought that I might want him to come and say hi to my friends. I hung out with him off and on. I got ogled and manhandled and propositioned, all of which was uncomfortable and uninteresting to me. I decided to make it obvious that my intent was to be with him, and that seemed to help. I gave him lots of attention and he relished it. I don't think his wife was all that impressed, however.

I don't know what is going on for her. She is not a big talker to me so I can only say what I sense: judgement, disapproval, threat, and that I am judging her. We spent two years talking about poly, our discomfort with swinging, our experiences etc. They didn't say they were very involved with the community. I am left feeling a bit of a dolt on that one.

They don't seem to have a lot of sex and only sleep with people that they find attractive, or she does and he watches. That is all I know. They seem to spend most of their time with friends. I don't get all that. I am so confused. There, add that to the list of emotions, also. Why go to these things if you aren't going to have sex? For fun? Like-minded friends, I guess? I am accepting now, but don't understand. Maybe that is all I can do.

PN and I talked about it all tonight and agreed that we would simply be supportive and allow them the space to talk as they want. Maybe they will feel comfortable now, or maybe not. I am worried that it will mean the end of my relationship with Leo, though. After all, why would he want to spend time with me when he could be fucking someone? I am not willing to go there, but someone else will. Wouldn't that be a better investment?

It brings back all of my crazy ideas about only being valuable for sex, not friendship or love. Am I really only worth my sexuality to men, and him in particular, that he would end our relationship because I won't put out? My mind is playing tricks again and moving back to my old way of thinking.

I'm really quite jealous at this point. He spends a good deal of time with these friends of late and says he doesn't have time for me. Then I see him at this party and he sits with them and waits for me to come to him. The fear behind my jealousy, the unmet need is TIME WITH HIM! Damn it. I need to feel appreciated and loved and have a chance to talk with him about all these concerns. How do I bring that all up without having time and when I don't feel I am worth something to him? He says he is busy at work and I believe that, but still wonder.

So the other stuff... I told Mono all about it and he wasn't pleased. This time the displeasure only lasted a little while, though. Baby steps. For me, all the sex stuff was boring and confusing and left me thinking more about myself in all that than anything else. It seemed to me that it was like any other bar scene, but with rooms upstairs and an orgy room. A bar, but more hyped up. People were just lingering and eyeing each other up.

Our poly group was by far the more flirty and fun loving. We let loose! Danced our asses off and enjoyed each other's company, uninhibited and far more confident. At least it seemed so to me. There was no pressure, somehow.

I think I have come to the understanding that I need protocol and procedure when it comes to sex outside of my relationships. In swinging there was just not enough of that for me. In BDSM I fall back on the "rules" a lot and I feel safe with that. I need control and I have none in a more casual and sport sex environment. I lose control very easily because of the bullshit that was my past, and don't feel that I have integrity or beauty somehow. So I don't go there and am happy with that. *Meh* It's all good.

I really want to get to a place where I can be completely accepting of everything. I am working hard at it. I think I have made progress by imagining everyone I know having sex with one another. I push myself to think of scenarios in order to normalize it all. HAHAHA It sounds funny, but it's working for me. I imagine that all kinds of sex parties are happening and then when I hear something come up, I am unfazed. It is working well! :p

PN was disturbed by it all, and just brushes it all aside. I wish I could do that. It bothers me that I don't understand what is disturbing and don't understand why it's fun and worth pursuing. Is it the comradeship? I felt that with PN when we went out swinging. Am I just too independent to get that?

Anyone have any idea why some find it disturbing? Is it that fact that people are made vulnerable, like someone walking into the bathroom when you are peeing and you didn't expect them? No, that isn't it. *sigh* Maybe I'm just too much on the queer side or poly side.

I give up. Off to kiss my Mono man before climbing into bed with PN. That's what it's all about, the expansion of love and a whole lot of fucking to go with it. ;) That's all I understand in this moment and all I will think about until tomorrow.
 
Leo isn't coming to my burlesque debut either. :( More disappointment. I see this number I am doing as a gift to those watching. I'm giving of myself and have worked hard to make it good for those who watch. I am disappointed he won't be there to receive that gift.
 
@eklctc- I see what you're saying. I like to see it more as boundary setting. Compromise to me is about giving something up to make someone happy without concern for the fluidity of where that line is. To me, compromises aren't discussed, but assumed and just happen without much forethought or afterthought. With boundary setting, there is room for one's happiness, even if it is in doing something so as to create happiness for another. There is room to move within the boundaries if they are discussed and thought out.

Perhaps it's a matter of degree, timelines and steps taken. Compromise comes before boundary setting maybe. Compromise is more about the beginning stages of boundary setting to me. Compromise seems to only go so far before resentment sets in, whereas boundaries change and grow as necessary.

I see what you are saying about compromise in the scenarios you speak of, but they are not deep emotional things, more interactions that are just about getting along during recreational times. When talking about how much time I spend in my room, for instance, that will lead to boundary setting, I think, as compromise will only go so far. Right now there are compromises being made because we don't know where we are at and how the cards will fall. All is to come, I think.
 
Clean slate for the week, except for coffee this aft with a new poly member. I love a good chat about poly over coffee. Then it's work work work on my costume and routine for Saturday. I still feel like hell, but I'm just going to suck it up.

I feel better about my thoughts and discussions with Leo yesterday. I need to be patient and realise that the man is treading water with the company he runs. I need to just shut my mouth right now and wait. He is following his wife's lead for entertainment because he doesn't have time or energy right now. PN told me that his big sale is Saturday and he will be doing inventory all night after it to see if they go under or not. No time for me, or burlesque. I will not go on about it, or tell him anything about me and my feelings until after that and if things don't change.

I'm looking forward to settling a bit after Saturday. I miss dates with Derby and miss not having an agenda for every night. There is lots to sink my teeth into, but I will relax for a bit, do some stuff on here organization-wise and hunker down with my loves until after the long weekend I took off. Too bad we can't go and see Ari, but he seems to have plans to be entertained anyway. Good thing we aren't showing up on his doorstep. :p

Off to suck it up and whine inside my head about feeling like crap. I think I have a sinus infection at this point. Sigh... :(
 
I just got off here and looked at my phone. Text from Leo asking me to come to his store to give him a hug. What to do? Go because I think that is all I am worth, to be touched and flirted with? Go because he doesn't see me that way and needs some comfort and connection? Don't go because of the first reason? Shit.
 
I'll go. I think he needs connection and comfort that I am still around, and it's his way of saying he needs me. I hope that is why. I'm going to just trust.
 
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