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  #281  
Old 03-19-2018, 11:47 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Thanks for your input, Meera!

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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
Also, I don't think you should live with Marcus and his partner. You really like sharing a household with lovers and friends--but it seems like a lot of the "poly drama" in your life has come from jumping into shared housing situations where the whole group doesn't end up getting along.
Yep, I have come to this conclusion too. Paige has some qualities that I already know wouldn't work for me in a house sharing situation, so I'm not going to go down that route. I also don't think I'd want to live in a multi-partner situation in general, but I was willing to entertain the thought for a while to see if there was a way to live with Marco. But the answer is no, me and Marco will never live together, unless something unexpected happens, like him and Paige breaking up, but I don't want to live my life hoping that would happen.

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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
I think you should try living alone for a while. Like, say, for a year (if you can afford it). It doesn't have to be forever. Just to get to know yourself better. As a route to figuring out what you truly want.
This is also something I've already concluded myself, so it's nice to see it recommended by someone else too. This is why I decided to live alone in the first place, to get to know myself better without the influence of other people living with me. When I've been talking about living with Marco and other general ponderings around that, it was never meant as an immediate thing. I just feel a bit hollow knowing that it will never be a possibility with Marco, no matter how long we date or how long I've lived alone. Also, pondering these things is part of getting to know myself and figuring out what I want. But don't worry, I do intend to live alone for a while still. It's been 4 months now, so at least a few more months, probably until that full year until my lease is up. Then I will re-evaluate based on my relationship situation, financial situation and situation with friends that I might want to live with.

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Originally Posted by MeeraReed View Post
But, I'm very biased. I'm solo poly, so the thought of living alone and seeing a partner twice a week = my vision of paradise. That doesn't have to be your vision of paradise!

But I think living alone for a while might help you stay centered in yourself while you pursue Option 2: being happy with the way things are with Marco, while being open to seeking a life partner to eventually live with.
Yes, it's definitely not my vision of paradise, but I can see how it would be for you. But I do know it's something I need to keep doing for a while. I just want to start thinking about future possibilities now instead of a month before my lease is up when I would have to make all the decisions at once.
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  #282  
Old 03-29-2018, 10:30 AM
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Mya Mya is offline
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Originally Posted by breathemusic View Post
I think where you have to be careful is knowing what your goal is, and not getting sidetracked by interest in people who turn out to only be more casual. You'd have to keep your goal in mind and stick to it, so if you meet someone and you're interested, but they're not looking for a future live-in life partner, or you don't seem compatible with them in that way, then it's time to move on since that's specifically your goal. Otherwise you're just going to end up with 2-3 "Marco"s in your life and still feel like you want a live in partner but are't getting it.
I've been keeping this advice in mind, it's a good one. I recently hung out with the person I mentioned months ago, the one I was interested in but decided not to do anything about. I didn't even tell her I have a crush on her, but I found out in conversation that she's not looking for romantic relationships, she's only interested in casual, at least at the moment. So knowing that now, I'm not even going to express my interest since we want different things.

I enabled my OKC account again and in my profile made it quite clear what I'm looking for. I feel like my needs are in a bit of a niche area because I don't want to date anyone who already has a live-in partner or someone they're planning to live with in the future, or anyone who has a lot of partners, but I also can't date anyone who's monogamous. It would have to be someone in a pretty similar situation than me. And now I have a date with someone who feels exactly the same way about poly than I do! They've been dating polyamorously a long time as well, but are getting a bit tired of all the changes that tend to come with it, so they're looking for more stability while still remaining open to a degree. I'm hopeful. Even if this date doesn't go well or we don't have chemistry in person, at least I know that there are other people out there who feel like I do, so it's not impossible to find a person to date seriously while still being with Marco.

I think my ideal situation would be to date someone who I could have clear agreements with around dating. For example, I'd be very happy to promise a new partner that I won't start dating anyone new while I'm with them and Marco. I could even promise that I won't start dating anyone new even if me and Marco break up in the future, in practice making us a couple in an open relationship at that point. Kind of slowly wean myself off of poly. We'll see how this goes.
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  #283  
Old 05-17-2018, 02:39 PM
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I've made a big decision: I'm going to move back to Home Country. That's of course going to be hard for me and Marco, but he's just not in a position to give me the kind of partnership I want and I haven't found anyone else here who could either. I've started to really miss my mom and I want to be closer to her. I miss the feeling of family. For now it will be my parents, but one day hopefully I'll have a family of my own, whatever that consists of. Maybe a kid, maybe pets, put most importantly someone I love and want to share this life with. I'll still be in the current country for a few more months and me and Marco will continue seeing each other until then. We just had this conversation yesterday, so the hardest thing is out of the way. It was so hard telling him about my decision, but he was very understanding. He is such an amazing person who just wants me to be happy. I'm so glad I met him and got to spend this last year dating him, and I'll be sad when I can't see him weekly anymore. But that's life, sometimes you have to make sacrifices to get something else you really want.
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  #284  
Old 05-17-2018, 03:29 PM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Wow, that is a big decision, Mya! I didn't manage to reply earlier to your musings around your dating options but it seems you have set your course now. Change can be unsettling but hope it all goes well for you with enjoying the end of your time where you are and with the move back to your home country.
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  #285  
Old 05-17-2018, 06:36 PM
opalescent opalescent is offline
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A tough decision but it reads like the right one for you. You seem sad but at peace about it, which makes total sense.

I know I do not live very far from my parents. I'm currently about an hour away from them - that works really well.
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  #286  
Old 05-28-2018, 09:56 AM
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Thanks for your comments, fuchka and opalescent!

I do feel pretty settled with this decision. I mean, of course it's going to be hard to leave a place I've spent a significant chunk of my life in and made important connections in, but...it's time.

The last couple of times I've spent time with Marco have been kind of bittersweet. I feel like there's this shadow hanging over us now every time we say I love you or have sex or do anything that is part of being in a relationship, because we know things will not be the same in a few months. It's hard. I have these two conflicting feelings, one is that I want to delay my move as long as possible to enjoy Marco and my friends here longer, and the other is that I should move as soon as possible so that I could start my new life and hopefully get the things I want sooner. The current plan is to move in three months, but I frequently have urges to delay that. I don't know, nothing's set in stone yet, but I should really start making practical moving arrangements at some point. *sigh*
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