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Old 10-13-2011, 06:27 AM
Iloveyoutwo Iloveyoutwo is offline
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 20
Default 'Complicated' is one way to put it.

Here's my situation, which I'm sure is not unique. I just haven't met another soul who's been there done that/doing that and I'm hoping perhaps I will here.

I have been married for 21 years. We have a FANTASTIC relationship. We married young and sure, we've had some rough spots like anyone, but we always worked through it and only became more devoted. About five years ago we began evolving in our views of the world, etc and eventually came to find that the idea of polyamory was completely acceptable to us.

Since I am the jealous one my husband realized that I would have to be the first one to experience loving more than one to really grasp how this could work without meaning that our relationship is anything less as a result. I am not the type of person who can have casual sex. There has to be a deep emotional bond for me.

I really made no attempt to go find another man to have a relationship with. I knew that I was free to do so if I wished but I was perfectly happy with my life and didn't feel like I was missing out on anything or needing anything more in the relationship department...until....

A new guy was hired at my place of employment about a year ago and I recognized instantly that I was attracted to him. (I find many men attractive, but this was very different.) We got to work together several times and a friendship developed quickly. I became quite intensely fond of this man fairly quickly and told my husband about it. He encouraged me to flirt and let this guy know how much I liked him.

I'll skip all that and just say, we are now in a relationship.

Here's the complicated part; He's married. His marriage is void of all physical affection and emotional closeness. He has two children and has no intention of leaving his wife which I am totally fine with. In fact, it breaks my heart how unhappy his marriage makes him and I wish so much that it could be repaired. He has asked her if he could have a 'friend with benefits' since she will no longer do anything to meet his sexual/physical intimacy needs. She has made it perfectly clear that she would leave if he were to do that. (I should add that she is Japanese and there are some very intense cultural issues on the table.)

He has never cheated on her....until now (and the physical aspect of his marriage died over 5 years ago). I NEVER, in my wildest dreams, EVER thought I would be someone that would have a relationship with someone who is married, let alone behind the other spouse's back. I assure you, I do not need any judgement from others on this. I have NO INTENT whatsoever of trying to ruin this man's life, break up his marriage, break his wife's heart, etc, etc.

I am genuinely in love with him and want nothing more than to see him happy and give him that which he is not getting and yet deserves and needs. He insists that the spark will never again be there in his marriage. I am powerless to help in this arena. It's not like I can call her up and ask her why she doesn't love him or why she thinks it's okay to tell him he can't meet his needs if she is not going to be there for him in that way.

It gets even more complicated. We've only been together physically, twice, and he is having some guilt issues. Part of me can completely understand this and I actually feared this would happen because he is a good man. But the other part of me rationalizes it in this way; 'it's just not okay for one person to tell another person, "You cannot have a basic human need met because I'm not going to meet it for you and I won't let you get it met by anyone else either, or else I will _fill in the blank_."

Frankly, it's abusive in my opinion. It would be different if she was at least loving toward him. She no longer sleeps in the bedroom with him, doesn't tell him she loves him, doesn't hug or kiss him "hello" or "good-bye". As he puts it, 'it's more like a roommate situation."

But even despite all that he feels guilty about having developed an attachment to another woman, and acting on it. As a result we have slowed down on the physical aspect, which if fine with me. I just want to continue to love him, spend time with him, and be the best friend I can to him. (I admit, I am EXTREMELY physically attracted to him and hope, that someday, we can work through these issues.)

Perhaps I am not necessarily looking for any advice here, but rather, some shared experience so I don't feel so, well, like I'm the only one on the planet who's experienced something like this.
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affairs, cheating, dishonesty, new to polyamory

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