What is this "lifestyle" you mention?

Hmm, I actually have to disagree with Indie, I thought the point of AT's post was that 1) he is irritated by the used of 'THE lifestyle' in reference to polyamory, and 2) he believes a more accurate, neutral (?) term should be used. Thus I took this to be a discussion thread where we have 1) a problem and 2) try to solve it to everyone's mutual delight. I am more than happy to change my use of language on this forum to make it more pleasurable for others to read.

... being mono or poly is simply part of who you are and not really contingent on what you DO. So therein lies the distinction.

Maybe not. I personally think that besides there being a mono/poly spectrum, there is a identity/practice spectrum. So it is a different thing to identify as mono/poly and a different thing to practice it. My previous use of the word 'lifestyle' is synonymous with the 'practice' end of the spectrum. You can DO polyamory, and people who DO polyamory tend to have different set of problems when forming new relationship than people who maybe ARE poly but DON'T DO poly.

There may be people on this forum who consider themselves to have "a poly lifestyle", but that does not mean that there is "a" or "the" poly lifestyle for everyone who is involved in more than one lover-ly relationship.

Hmm, so that is what 'the lifestyle' means? English is not my first language and I would never suggest that my way of doing things is THE way to do it. I am sorry if I gave somebody that impression. I tend to use words like 'whore' or 'dyke' with no ill meaning, and have been called out on how, even if a word is not disrespectful or hurtful in the sense I use it, that the same word has so much cultural baggage that it cannot be used free from those connotations. So in that light, I understand people's irritation with 'THE lifestyle' in reference to poly.

It would be more appropriate to say you live a lifestyle which includes polyamory, or simply that you have polyamorous relationships in your life.

Thanks Indie, a really good suggestion! I will accommodate that in my further posts.

I wonder if the term "lifestyle" came out of the swingers turned poly that are in the community; the word I tend to use most often. I use "community I think because communities to me can be made up of many different people and different takes on a similar thing. I am part of the burlesque community also, but we all have a different take on that and come together with the same interest, love for what we do and a love for each other because of it. It makes me feel as if I belong when I say I am in a community of like minded people.

I like 'community', too! Thanks RP!

A lifestyle is something we create individually. It simply is a way of living that reflects who we are. It certainly can include elements of the culture in which we belong, or grew up in, but lifestyle is self-determined. That's a huge difference. And why there is no definitive polyamorous lifestyle, as I see it.

Full-heartedly agree! Thanks for making me see that my use of language/choice of words was not value-neutral.
 
Intriguing

I always find it interesting how some of the longest and occasionally most heated discussions I see here are around semantics. It's good overall I think because it serves as a reminder not to take anything anyone says (types) too literally - to put forth the extra effort to try to really understand what they are truly SAYING :)

That being said, I agree with some others that no doubt the latching on to the term "lifestyle" comes from several directions including the swinger, alternative, GLBT etc. So unless you were totally new to any/all of those 'scenes' (lifestyles) I can see where use of the term would raise an eyebrow.

Because I think it's as accurate a term as most others. If you are living (or attempting) poly loving then you definitely are involved in a range of things that other people (say monogamous) are not and they become a definite and important part of how you live your "life".
There are conversations that are unique.
There are actions that are unique (sexual, social etc)
There are patterns, language, ways of balancing your days etc that are simply unique to attempting to love others in an open and honest way .

That is "life" and the "style" is unique (even though variations are almost endless). But the one thing all these have in common is that they are NOT terms, actions, attitudes that you find ( to any degree) in monogamous living and thinking. Therefore the generally correct adoption of the term "lifestyle".

Loving many flavors your days most days. It affects the conversations you have, the decisions you make, actions you take. Pretty basic.

GS
 
. . . I thought the point of AT's post was that 1) he is irritated by the used of 'THE lifestyle' in reference to polyamory, and 2) he believes a more accurate, neutral (?) term should be used.

I just re-read AT's posts and saw no irritation in them. I think it's funny that some contributors to this thread have said that those of us who challenge the accuracy of using the word "lifestyle" must be "irritated," "griping," "messing with," "frustrated," etc. The fact remains that while one may incorporate polyamorous relationships into their lifestyle, there is no one lifestyle that is specific to polyamory.
 
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Black Unicorn, I read your post as being very defensive, as though the things I said were aimed at things you personally said and the way you said them. If that's not the case, then disregard this post. If it IS the case, I can assure you that I was not thinking of you or any other specific individual on this forum when I composed my earlier messages.

I have re-read my own posts as well as the original post and I do not find that they contain any discernable degree of emotional investment. Furthermore, I would not expect this topic to be a particularly emotionally-charged one. I'm not sure why folks think that a little intellectual masturbation about semantics means that we wish to circumscribe others' use of certain words on the forum.
 
I just re-read AT's posts and saw no irritation in them. I think it's funny that some contributors to this thread have said that those of us who challenge the accuracy of using the word "lifestyle" must be "irritated," "griping," "messing with," "frustrated," etc. The fact remains that while one may incorporate polyamorous relationships into their lifestyle, there is no one lifestyle that is specific to polyamory.

Me too.
 
Black Unicorn, I read your post as being very defensive, as though the things I said were aimed at things you personally said and the way you said them.

Not at all. I picked your quotes because I liked them/thought they had a good point.

If that's not the case, then disregard this post.

I will :p (okay, I did answer).
 
I call it a lifestyle -- I had no idea this was a controversial term :confused: Hope no one jumps me for it in the future! :eek: (This forum can help you develop thicker skin, I tell ya!)
 
I call it a lifestyle -- I had no idea this was a controversial term :confused: Hope no one jumps me for it in the future! :eek: (This forum can help you develop thicker skin, I tell ya!)

AT can correct me if I am wrong, but I'll attempt to re-iterate what I think is the thrust of the OP.

It is not that the term "lifestyle" is controversial or offensive. It is that the term "polyamory" is too broad and vague to be described in terms of "a lifestyle" when it comes to applying these terms to a given group of people.

To me it seems more comfortable to use adjectives to describe one's lifestyle, instead of taking a noun and designating it as "a lifestyle". For example, I might say that "I feel better when I lead a physically active lifestyle", but I wouldn't say that "polyamory is my lifestyle".
 
AT can correct me if I am wrong, but I'll attempt to re-iterate what I think is the thrust of the OP.

It is not that the term "lifestyle" is controversial or offensive. It is that the term "polyamory" is too broad and vague to be described in terms of "a lifestyle" when it comes to applying these terms to a given group of people.

You've got it. That use of the term is inaccurate and I don't find it useful in the slightest. I think there are better ways to discuss polyamory that don't involve misleading inaccuracy from the outset.
 
Can someone provide examples of how to use the word lifestyle?

Any I can think of (such as a physically active lifestyle) also have the same problem as a "poly lifestyle". There is not a one true way. (I think there might be nearly as many ways to be physically active as there are ways to be poly! :p)
 
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Can someone provide examples of how to use the word lifestyle?

Any I can think of (such as a physically active lifestyle) also have the same problem as a "poly lifestyle". There is not a one true way. (I think there might be nearly as many ways to be physically active as there are ways to be poly! :p)

I think this is the root of the problem TP. The term "lifestyle" seems to be rarely used to denote a very specific, life encompassing thing. Even when you do, one still finds endless individual variation. This is the nature of humans, I think.

I don't talk about poly culture (e.g., common values and norms). I'm not sure it applies. When I talk about poly community, I'm usually referring to those who are active in getting together, supporting people as they make the transition and/or deal with inevitable challenges, and those who help bring/keep us together. So, the "poly community" is a very specific subset of those who are leading what we'd call a polyamorous....

...lifestyle :p

Polyamorous lifestyle - in my head - is a specific form of consensual non-monogamy. Like most other things that constitute a "lifestyle" it can't describe most (and not even many) of the attributes of life. But, it does describe a critical dimension (or critical set). In that sense, the diversity doesn't matter if the critical dimension holds.

But, the root issue is that the term "lifestyle" itself is probably just not that useful. It is broad and in-elegant as too much of the English language seems to be. It won't stand on its own as providing sufficient description when modifying a noun. In that sense, it doesn't deserve special treatment.

Calling it a "lifestyle" does one critical thing, which I think is the reason why it sticks and people will continue to use it. It tells us that it is different from the norm or not what you'd expect. In this sense, it is serving it's role well.
 
Calling it a "lifestyle" does one critical thing, which I think is the reason why it sticks and people will continue to use it. It tells us that it is different from the norm or not what you'd expect. In this sense, it is serving it's role well.


Whoa, dude. :cool:

Nice of you to finally stop by!
 
I don't see a problem with the word "lifestyle" To me, it means the way I lead my life. And being poly affects that, of course it does! Living in a relationship with more than one person is part of my life, part of my "style of life".

Being vegetarian is also a lifestyle, in my opinion. I have to order food differently, shop differently, cook differently, eat differently. All are a big part of my life.

"Lovestyle" similarly doesn't pose a problem to me. It's similar to "lifestyle", but more specific to love, and the way I love (as inm several people at the same time, in my case). It's similar to "eating style" as a more specific term than "lifestyle" for the fact I'm vegetarian.

For me "lifestyle" only means that it affects the way I lead my life. And it does. It does in my relationships, but it also does in the way I see other people, in the way I watch movies or read books ("why couldn't they all end up together?") etc, etc.

I honestly don't think the word needs to mean that everyone who shares that trait needs to be the same in every way. Just that it has an impact on the way you live, and it's hard to argue that romantic relationships don't.
 
A lifestyle is something we create individually. It simply is a way of living that reflects who we are. It certainly can include elements of the culture in which we belong, or grew up in, but lifestyle is self-determined. That's a huge difference. And why there is no definitive polyamorous lifestyle, as I see it.
As far as I know, I have never written in terms of THE definitive polyamorous lifestyle. As far as I can remember, I haven't read any comments by anybody on this board which talked about THE definitive polyamorous lifestyle. If I - or others - write about a polyamorous lifestyle [repeat NYCI's quote: "A lifestyle is something we create individually. It simply is a way of living that reflects who we are."], and I mean that my polyamorous lifestyle is something that I've created individually, a way of living that reflects who I am, I honestly don't understand that some people question my/our usage of the word "lifestyle".

If - furthermore - I believe that
a) a "common lifestyle" of a group of people does NOT oblige the members of that group to act - or believe - identically in every single detail;
b) the true polyamorous (not just somebody who's using "polyamory" to get laid more often) is somebody who believes that we have no right to limit other people's Love (even when those other people are people with whom we are having serious, sexual, loving relationships)... and that NOBODY has the right to limit our Love;
c) the true polyamorous takes these principles to be VERY important, puts them into practice, and allows them to affect the way (s)he relates to ALL other people;
then I think I have the right to speak of a general (general does NOT mean "with strict rules that everyone MUST adhere to [ALL of them]") polyamory lifestyle.

i.e. a lifestyle based on respect for The Other's right to love as and whom they choose, a common lifestyle encompassing a very wide spectrum of relatively unimportant (and very important) details.

I honestly don't understand why (I use this stupid example yet again because, frankly, nobody on here has yet given me a satisfactory answer to this) you have no problem with reading "a small-town rural lifestyle" or "a hippy lifestyle", but argue against the correctness of people writing "a polyamory lifestyle".

I will be happy to read any replies to this question, but I doubt that I'll continue to post on this thread, because I feel that we're going around in circles.

As Wm. Burroughs wrote, and Laurie Anderson sang: "Language is a virus..."
 
As Wm. Burroughs wrote, and Laurie Anderson sang: "Language is a virus..."


"...from outer space. And hearing your name is better than seeing your face."

But remember, William S. Burroughs was a junkie and a self-proclaimed misogynist, so go ahead and take whatever he said with a grain of salt.
 
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Well, I read the thread... one eyebrow raised.


All in all, I've reached the end more confused then I thought I was when i started. :rolleyes:

I suppose it all comes down to asking the person whose speaking if (add your paraphrase of their statement) was what they meant, so that you can ensure that whatever concept they're trying to convey is the concept you recieved.

shrug
 
Today I was reading an article in a gaming magazine, and it mentioned the "gaming lifestyle". I thought of this thread.
 
I don't see a problem with the word "lifestyle" To me, it means the way I lead my life.


And the personal still doesn't become a general. Your personal lifestyle incorporates polyamory. It is not, however, the polyamory lifestyle. When folks show up here and say something about being curious about "the lifestyle," that is a general reference to an actual lifestyle shared by polyfolk--and there's no such thing.

Outlaw bikers have a lifestyle. To be an outlaw biker, one has to ride a motorcycle, join a club, wear colors, go on club rides, hang with other club members, and so forth. That constitutes an actual lifestyle.

Fishermen in the Bering Sea share a lifestyle that involves long weeks at sea fishing--that applies to all of them and is predictable.

Polyamory is akin to joining the Elks club. One does not speak of the Elks lifestyle, for example, because there's nothing more to being an Elk than joining the club and hanging out at the bar and showing up at occasional social events.

Here's the important part: *Being poly involves less than that.* There's no organization to join. There's no club at which to hang out. There are no club social events.

Yes, polyfolk can go to munches, yet that's not really part of being poly, as one can be poly without ever attending a poly gathering; not true of being an Elk. Yes, polyfolk who know each other in an area can share a favorite bar where they hang out; that's not part of being poly, however.

When folks speak of somebody having a "physically-active lifestyle" or the like, they're speaking of somebody's personal lifestyle--NOT a "lifestyle" shared by a readily-recognized group of people. Nobody says that they're taking up "this lifestyle" when they pick up a pair of running shoes, for the only thing they're likely to have in common with other runners is the fact that they run.

So, again, while individuals have lifestyles that include polyamory, there is no "poly lifestyle" to which people can point or describe. That's much like saying there's a "short-haired lifestyle."
 
When you call something a lifestyle you immediately draw people in to the idea of it being an all encompassing idea. When Poly is simply a relationship style. You love more than one, thats it.

To call it a lifestyle means anyone looking at you, is look at you as an example of polyness, beyond relationships. This is why poly gets attached to hippy/pagan/gamers etc. This becomes a stigma for those of us who are NOT those things.

This also begins to create a poly machine. Beliefs and scripture end up being written and handed out based on ones polyness. Which again shines a light on something that poly is not. It is not a religious movement, it is not a political believe it is not anything. It can be encompassed in those things, but it is not THOSE things specifically.

Poly is my preferred relationship type... not my lifestyle.
 
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