Greetings, mythical beasts. We each have a question.

sohuman

New member
Hey - my husband of 10 years and I are new. I actually hate the internet for anything personal but have never laid eyes or ears, let alone any other body part, on an actual poly person. If you are a real actual poly person reading this, hi.

So we each have a question (and our questions may tell you more about us than any longwinded explanation of how we got here).

My question: how do "we" identify each other in the wild? Do we even try? Given how pervasive mono is, isn't it more efficient to attempt to convert prospective lovers, than to try to identify and choose from among the perhaps five other poly people in one's tri-state area?

His question: he has never met a single poly person in all his life either (sidenote, we are both well-educated and well-traveled, and have more than average numbers of friends in creative lines of work). He wants to know: how do poly people become poly in the first place? Did most of you start out mono and have that not work, did you know it from the start of your sexual life (like one would know one was gay), or did more of you just fall in with a poly crowd? (and, I cannot resist chiming in with a snort: POLY CROWD, are you for real, we've never even met one and you think there are just crowds of them out there running around? ...or is the very reason we've never met any poly people because they're all huddled together in a crowd somewhere? is it like that Ellen Degeneres joke where she answers people who ask her if she has any loose change by saying "no, sorry, it's all in rolls")

I just asserted and he agreed that anyone who comes to consensual conscious monogamy or consensual conscious polyamory through serious and humanistic contemplation of the dynamics of love, harm, interpersonal ethics, and commitment is more emotionally mature than someone who just fell into anything for any reason other than thinking it through for him or herself. We do also agree that the relative scarcity of people who even try to think big issues through - rather than spouting something they heard somewhere that sounded good to them - is just depressing. He is worried that there are just as many poly a-holes as there are regular a-holes out there. I think/hope the ratio might be a bit different.

So, in sum: if you do actually exist, do you also think as well? Cause that would be really something. Especially on the internet.
 
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Real? Yep.
Do we come out of the computer? Sometimes...
Recognition in the Wild? We all have secret decoder rings.
Answers above that should be taken seriously? Few if any. ;)

Welcome to the Forum
 
Welcome. I enjoyed your introduction immensely.

It's all relative. I imagine the question of conversion or "seeking to find a wild one" is akin to dating in the pervasive mono world. Simply approach the creature you desire and be yourself. You will be surprised, I promise.

Best of luck to you both.
 
Hi Human and welcome !

And what a great post for a first entry ! Some great provocative thoughts and questions in there. Enough for an interesting thread outside the boundaries of "Intros". We'll see what our great mods choose to do with this. Hopefully move it ? (hint hint)


Hey - my husband of 10 years and I are new. I actually hate the internet for anything personal but have never laid eyes or ears, let alone any other body part, on an actual poly person. If you are a real actual poly person reading this, hi.

Actually, I suspect you have :) But because it's been kind of outside your sights you didn't notice it. Now, having discovered the possibilities, things may well change.

So we each have a question (and our questions may tell you more about us than any longwinded explanation of how we got here).

My question: how do "we" identify each other in the wild? Do we even try? Given how pervasive mono is, isn't it more efficient to attempt to convert prospective lovers, than to try to identify and choose from among the perhaps five other poly people in one's tri-state area?

Granted, there are not a large number of polys in practice yet (proportionally) so it may be that you pick up a sense of 'potential' more from people's more open attitude. Especially watching interactions between couples or more-ples (my own word). A certain air of freedom, confidence, etc in how they interact with each other and others in the picture.
Conversion I personally wouldn't recommend. Not only is it usually futile, it's also not something I believe to be 'right'. Education ? Yes. Open dialog ? Yes. Trying to cram my ideas down someone else's throat. Not happening.

He wants to know: how do poly people become poly in the first place? Did most of you start out mono and have that not work, did you know it from the start of your sexual life (like one would know one was gay), or did more of you just fall in with a poly crowd?

If I had to guess (it that's all it would be), I'd say that 10% came to poly via intellectual pursuit, observing & analyzing human nature, studying it, asking the hard questions about why there are so many problems and what might be a better way.
The other 90% probably 'fell' into it almost by accident. And in that 90% I think there are a large percentage that feel inside like they have 'come home'. Had they maybe had the time to study & philosophize about it they would have come there anyway.

As for BEING (starting out) mono and having it 'not work', I think it's more likely that most everyone can SEE from evidence around them even without experience that mono doesn't work (percentage-wise). Somebody will bash me for that one :) For those, I'd suggest maybe having a read of "Sex at Dawn" which I think is a good primer for understanding the biological history of human sexuality and sexual sociology of our species. The stats are in. Polyamourous cultures have generally been happier societies, more productive etc. Monogamy is truly not natural, a patriarchal invention primarily created by power hungry individuals (read religion) with a need for control.

There IS a better way. And it's NOT new !



I just asserted and he agreed that anyone who comes to consensual conscious monogamy or consensual conscious polyamory through serious and humanistic contemplation of the dynamics of love, harm, interpersonal ethics, and commitment is more emotionally mature than someone who just fell into anything for any reason other than thinking it through for him or herself.

Well, it might be that your choice of wording here might prove a bit provocative (emotionally mature), but I do agree you are kind of heading in the right direction. I might choose something along the line of 'more contemplative'. There are people who's natures (and socio background) lean them more towards thinking and studying the human condition. For those I think polyamory is an inevitable discovery. Emotional maturity will get put to the test from that point forward. :)




We do also agree that the relative scarcity of people who even try to think big issues through - rather than spouting something they heard somewhere that sounded good to them - is just depressing.
Ummmmmm - seems that way eh ?

He is worried that there are just as many poly a-holes as there are regular a-holes out there. I think/hope the ratio might be a bit different.

I think, for NOW, I lean towards your view. Ratio overall is likely somewhat better. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that will change over time. So history has spoken. Get in while the getting's good but be prepared for what may follow. :)

Again, welcome. Look forward to hearing your thoughts and questions.
It's a very nice place here with some great people. But like you, we're all still learning and feeling our way. Thousands of years of programming aren't overcome in a week - or a generation.

GS
 
Oh GOODY! more funny smart people!

Welcome. Already, I think you're really great. I too enjoyed your post immensely and will take the time to develop an appropriately intelligent, lengthy reply.

For now, the geometry is all around you, I promise.
 
Oh yeah, there's this poly crowd for cool people, you know, only some people qualify.... Haha just kidding!!

There are many poly "signs" (wikipedia has a list of them I'm sure there is a list of them on the forum also). There are also conferences & workshops.
I think that trying to "convert" people would not accomplish what you desire. You can certainly introduce them to the idea. People have to evolve on their own you cant make them. If they are open minded, that is a great start.

Honestly I think the easiest way to start a relationship is with someone who is at or close to the same stage (emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally) as you. Naturally polyamory creates an environment where people are constantly challenged/nurtured, so there is constant self growth. So I can see how poly people that have already experienced the lovestyle would want to join with others that have some experience, or are at least already open to the mindset.
 
It is interesting to look at the path people took to end up here...many different paths to versions of the same location I would think.

For me, I am an open minded person. In my twenties I was comfortable dating several people openly at the same time. I didn't really think much about it back then, and I guess it was assumed that one would become serious and the others would fizzle out. Which is what happened - I would think the assumption of one or more fizzling out was pretty much due to there being only one expectation to how a relationship develops.

10 year marriage ended, and I suddenly became acutely aware it was just me in the drivers seat now. And I started to ask the question "what do you want?"

Oh, there's only one income in this house now. I want to earn more money.
Oh, my child stays with his father 6 nights out of 14. I have 6 nights away free. I want to go out and see more music.

I want to learn to play music.
I want to see more theatre.
I want lovely people in my life.

During this time, I had many strong love relationships with several people. None of them were sexual, for a variety of reasons (mine and theirs)...I'd never felt more loved and supported. And really, for the first time in my life I became very, very good at asking myself what I want. I listened a lot to myself, and worked out what I felt ok with. I decided I didn't need ONE life partner, as I was healthy, loved and enjoying a very full life.

I looked at the relationships with the people around me and started to believe that fulfilling relationships could look very different from the one model. This was a big step for me, just believing that value can be placed on relationships of all different types...that there isn't a need (for me)...to cram a relationship into a particular box

My friends kept saying - you're going to meet someONE at some point. And I kept feeling I didn't have an urge to meet someONE.
But I did meet someone, a poly guy - And I suddenly realised there was a framework I could put around the ideas in my head that were in infancy.

With him, it started with me realising I felt completely ok that he had a girlfriend....I was, in part so shocked that I felt ok, that I suspected I was in denial - lol ! I didn't feel ok immediately, it took some thought
I looked pretty hard for evidence I was struggling and I just didn't find it :)

So, by this point it was a only a small step...as all the "what do I want?" stuff had given me the training to take it from there..

I'm only little though, it's all very new and the philosophy is like shifting sand under my feet. I tend to have good balance :)

So, I'm only answering his question. I don't really know about yours..
 
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Wow! I look forward to digging into all these fantastic replies after our baby is sound asleep.

Feelin the amory.
 
Hey - my husband of 10 years and I are new. I actually hate the internet for anything personal but have never laid eyes or ears, let alone any other body part, on an actual poly person. If you are a real actual poly person reading this, hi.

You probably have met poly people. There are no scarlet letters nor ID tattoos to set them apart from the crowd, though, so they appear much the same as anybody else you'd run into.

My question: how do "we" identify each other in the wild? Do we even try?

Some folks only look in places where other poly folk are likely to be found. OKCupid.com, for example, is a dating site on which poly folk can be found in abundance. There are local poly groups to be found in many places, and some folks only look to those groups to meet new partners. Some look to discussion sites such as this one.

Others simply meet interesting people and then sound them out as to whether or not those people are open to the idea of dating a poly person. If there's sparks, there just might be the possibility of a fire.

Given how pervasive mono is, isn't it more efficient to attempt to convert prospective lovers, than to try to identify and choose from among the perhaps five other poly people in one's tri-state area?

I'm not certain that conversion is possible. Introduction to the concept may only make sense to those folks with some predisposition to multiple relationships. Thus, it's not a conversion as much as it's an awakening.

He wants to know: how do poly people become poly in the first place? Did most of you start out mono and have that not work, did you know it from the start of your sexual life (like one would know one was gay), or did more of you just fall in with a poly crowd?

The whole idea of only being able to love one person at a time just never made sense to me. I found myself as a teenager quite smitten with multiple girls at the same time; that was a pretty constant state.

He is worried that there are just as many poly a-holes as there are regular a-holes out there. I think/hope the ratio might be a bit different.

Are there people involved? Then there are assholes.

(Note: it is perfectable acceptable to curse on these boards.)

So, in sum: if you do actually exist, do you also think as well? Cause that would be really something. Especially on the internet.

Nope. No thinking allowed.
 
I read everything in a slow and careful manner so as to absorb. Thank you for the warm welcomes and thoughtful replies. I hope my husband reads it and sees that you guys are a cut above, because as you may have guessed, he's on the fence, and I am not.

You're probably right about us each having already met poly people but just not knowing, and about conversion being potentially obnoxious.

Good night, sweet polys. <3 <3
 
You're probably right about us each having already met poly people but just not knowing, and about conversion being potentially obnoxious.

Good night, sweet polys. <3 <3

I was 95% there on my own and just needed someone to tell me the word to get me over the line. Once I had the word...I read like mad..

Strangely enough, the person that gave me the word almost put me off...due to their style of poly being so radically different to what my research had given me (ie. too much deceipt)..

Eventually I worked out I was fine with poly, but I'd just develop my own way. And is was largely the people on this forum that helped me make the decision to reject the style I initially encountered and have the strength to develop my own.
In case I've not said thanks yet - THANKS !!
 
Thanks

Quotes:
"I'm not certain that conversion is possible . . and . . In case I've not said thanks yet - THANKS !!"

From where I have been for 25 years I AM a convert - intellectually I had no idea it was possible to be so loving as to share your intimate friends.

So: meeting - albeit virtually - poly people has converted me from a reluctant mono to an enthusiastic poly.

By that token I'm a convert, intellectually, to where I have always been emotionally and spiritually. If I'd been approached by a poly woman years ago maybe I could've saved my close ones a lot of grief caused by me trying to be something I'm not.

I guess there is a parallel to being gay here - but if no-one else ever admits to it you just imagine there's something wrong with you. As soon as you meet others with the same predisposition, well, then you have - as I feel - found home at last.

So again, THANKS!

Rusty
 
"Are we real"? Well...Define "real" please. I FEEL real....And if you ever get to Clearwater Florida, you can come here to meet my wife and I in person. We're actually kinda nice. (Unless you deserve a spanking! :p LOL )

How do we "identify" each other in the "wild"?....Well...I've often wondered this myself. But let me tell you a quick story: I was at work one day. A fairly new job, mind you. Onlyu been there for about 2 weeks or so. My wife and I are openly poly and have no issues with who might know. I mentioned to my supervisor that my wife had a date that night. He said "Oh, so you need off early or what?" I asked what for....He said "So you can go get ready." I told him nope. She's going with her boyfriend. He said "Oh yeah? So you guys are like that too huh? My wife and I have a girlfriend. In fact, if it wasn't for our kid, I think my wife would be an all out lesbian! haha." I was floored. I engaged in an open conversation about how l,ong they had been living like this, and how they came to meet their unicorn. He was very open with his information and asked me a lot of questions regarding my wife and I's dynamic as well. It was somewhat refreshing.

It has been my experience that as long as you aren't trying to shove it down someone else's throat, they are usually pretty receptive. (Unl;ess you live in the bible belt. LOL) Some have told me that's not for them, and I agree with them that it doesn't work for everyone, and that they probably shouldn't delve into it. Once you give them a beter definition of "Polyamoroy" and "polygamy" and "swinger".....They usually calm down a bit and get inquisitive. It also helps to let them know that you're not trying to "hook up" with them. LOL ;)

My advise? Be open and honest about what you are looking for. Go into relationships as you would normally. When someone asks about your significant other and how that works, explain to them that you SO is fine with it, and if they would like to verify, they would be happy to meet and give the ok.

A word of warning: Single guys are usually not looking for this dynamic. Usually, they are simply looking to get laid. If that works for you, then great. But if you want a deeper connection....Well, proceed with caution.
 
"Conversion" is certainly possible.
Probably not for everyone, no (and that is fine!!)

The whole basis of change within society is that people begin to feel differently as ideas and knowledge and exploration comes to them.

People convert their religions, which is a fundamental value system for some people.
People become vegetarian.
People change who they vote for based on their changing beliefs and values.
Economic systems change when people believe there are alternatives.

Human beings are capable of significant, ongoing and phenomenal transformation. A fact that never ceases to amaze me !
 
Liking "feelin the amory" :) - makes me think of: smoothing the bumpy surface of life with amory paper!
 
Looking for Poly

Hi! Your questions echo ones I've had at times. I was mono for years--in theory. But I had close friendships that, while platonic, were emotionally intimate. Being mono only "worked" for me because my husband was generous about sharing my time and attention.

Eventually, a close friend introduced me to poly, and I realized that for years, I'd been in a non-sexual version of it. It became obvious to me that I had to take the next step and be open to non-traditional relationships in every sense of the word.

"Recruiting" is viable, if you've done your homework and understand the lifestyle and choose people who you see signs of poly-inclination in, I think--but I say that knowing that for many people, the moral and emotional jump is just too big.

Glad you posted--thanks for making me think!
 
This has been a period of information absorption, reading (this forum, Opening Up, the Ethical Slut, and I am ordering Sex at Dawn), and incredible growth. On Friday my husband let me go out for coffee with someone I said in advance that I might be interested in romantically, and it was not easy for him. We talked about it on several occasions (was he ready? was I?) and then talked about it solidly and with full concentration for an hour and a half beforehand. He was feeling threatened and disappointed in me, rejected and deficient. I reassured him that those were cognitive messages that maybe he could reshape by speaking the truth back to each message.

1. Threatened: that even if this person was incredibly attractive (I had met him once in person before but couldn't remember if he was attractive) and shit rainbows and unicorns, any feelings I developed for him, if we did go down that route, would still not be a threat to our marriage, because I now know not to make any decisions during NRE. And let's just say that the love lasted through NRE - it still would not threaten my preference to stay married to someone with whom I get along famously, with whom I have an incredible child, with whom I regularly have mind-blowing sex, and most importantly, with whom I have built a life and pursued my dreams side-by-side for a decade and a half now.

2. Disappointed in me: he asked me why I am seeking any new romantic relationships now. The honest answer is that I get off on NRE and seek it out the same way a person who gets high seeks out pot (I am trying to make NRE happen, it is far more important than sex to me), but also that beyond just the rush of getting off on NRE together, I learn from connecting with people, getting to know them, exchanging ideas, and, once reality shows itself through the haze and time goes by, I actually enjoy working through interpersonal things with people, even though it can be painful... it helps me learn who we are better, learn how not alone we are and yet how unique... and lastly, the answer to "why now" is that I see enormous potential for growth in sharing honestly one of these trips with him, not hiding it, having him see that part of me... and asked him to consider not being disappointed, to maybe even cultivate compersion for me as I was trying to do right now for him too. On Thursday we had gone out and with his newfound freedom he had struck up a lengthy conversation with a really pretty talented girl and I didn't interrupt. I cultivated compersion, and that was a new thing to do in real time for me. I realized that jealousy is a lot like anger - you can have it and not beat yourself up for having it, acknowledge its purpose, but perhaps take a deep breath and choose your behavioral reaction (to a point) if you make it your goal to cultivate such control. I have to cultivate control all the time with anger at work. My work involves frequent intense and personal rejection and if I don't express my feelings about that appropriately I could change how people see me and jeopardize eventually getting promoted, that is a reality. Learning how to express visceral emotions like anger, fear, disappointment, or jealousy - and to whom - is a very useful skill.

3. Rejected: that there is no way that this action, going out for coffee with a romantic prospect, is a rejection of him or our relationship. It is an hour and a half that we will not be spending together, but in no way could it ever change my wish to stay together and keep cultivating our marriage.

4. Deficient: OMG it is so the opposite. I am so thankful to have the love of my life be someone so compassionate and open-minded. The fact that he is willing to deal with his jealousy in a cognitive-behavioral model and take this leap of trust and faith in me within our new honest paradigm, it is the opposite of a deficit - it is a new additional amazing quality that makes me love him even more.

He decided to give me the okay. Well I knew right away when I saw this guy at the coffee place that I was not attracted to him, and we did some good professional networking (the pretense for the coffee), and then went separate ways. I called my husband immediately afterward to brief him.

I am amazed that I found my husband. This could-have-been-date on the up-and-up deepened our connection. I finally feel that honesty and truth have made our relationship real. I love him even more than if he shit out rainbows and unicorns plus burlap sacks of gold.

Anyway, our story is lengthy and sordid, I started writing it up but realized I can't just have it out in public. Thank you all for sharing so much, I'm just sorry I can't fully reciprocate by laying our full story out here - I got seriously royally screwed by an internet forum in the past.

Anyone going to the conf in Atlanta in March who wants to share about themselves and learn more about us, please send me a PM.

Amory to all, and to all a good night.

I leave you with an awesome quote from Better Off Ted (just discovered it on netflix) - I'm still keeping Fantastic Mr. Fox as my signature but behold:

"Linda: I can't believe the company is treating you like this. Doesn't it make you wanna scream or put your fist through a wall... or rub your junk on the C.E.O.'s chair?
Ted: Yes... Yes... and I only use my junk for good, not for evil. With great junk comes great responsibility."
 
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Well done on all accounts. Please know that this post provided me with some invaluable perspective. I look forward to following your journey.


I love him even more than if he shit out rainbows and unicorns plus burlap sacks of gold.

This had me nearly snorting coffee all over my computer.
 
I'm new too -- loved your post! I have never known anyone poly in my life. So of course the whole idea seemed crazy to me until I came here and realized it's not so crazy afterall. How can more love be a bad thing? I hope to go to a convention someday to meet some real live ("thinking") polys face-to-face. From what I've read, the people here are intelligent, creative and brave. There is something so non-asshole-ish about being honest about your feelings, as opposed to the assholes who are out there pretending to be monogamous. For those who are happy, that's great, but I have known so many people living miserably (or at least unfulfilled) in monogamy that I am refreshed and encouraged by this forum.

I tend to babble in my posts -- I guess I'm often quite lazy -- but it is wonderful to be a member of this forum. I feel very lucky to be here :)
 
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