This site has helped, but I need a lot more

oikord

New member
Hello,

This is my first post. I would like to preface this with saying I respect all of us and believe we really are equal - If at some future time I posted about my situation and it was about you, I'm not wishing you any ill will and looking for my own growth, and support.

This is a very new concept for me. I'm Male-Mono-hetero, 32 w/3 children together for 16 years and married for 12 and the love of my wife is now P as of 3 weeks ago. I am still sane in part due to the discussions on this forum - thank you all!

I am hurting, I am sad, depressed, freaked out, short of breath, panicky, angry, but mostly I am afraid of losing her sometimes when we aren't at home together and especially when they're together. When we're together (as of three weeks ago) I am on cloud 9, all my problems disappear and she is loving/supportive and quickly addresses my fears. Luckily we have one Friend couple who know as they have had the same exact thing happen more than once in their 20+ yrs marriage (M is M, F is P), and I've been texting them for support - but for the sake of my wife, we won't let anyone else in our lives know, EVER due to them not being like us. I've followed their advice and taken any restrictions off from my wife between her and her other (Male married poly for long time), except for Pregnancy and us getting STDs. Last weekend she saw him about 50% of time and me 50% of time and I had the kids the whole time.

I also have started a new Journey in my life (as of last week), and am working at following the advice to work on ME, make myself happy with ME, make myself love ME, make myself feel sexy to ME. I have begun reading/listening to my wife's reading list of personal growth books which I couldn't ever find time to start over the last 10 years (when her journey began).

What I'd like from this community right now is to forward posts that I could read and learn from and to explore my feelings and to cope. Maybe even find a friend for support who is/has experiened the same thing.
The search function is not working
and I'm hoping you experienced folks may be able to send me many posts on these topics quickly as I really need some help now. I may or may not be experiencing these things today, or they may be my key fears - but I don't want to discuss my specific situation in a public forum. Here are the subjects I'm really wanting to explore:

- Safe sex vs. unprotected in Polyamory
- After testing for STDs is it ever acceptable for unprotected
- Pregnancy issues outside of Marriage in the Polyamory consicousness
- NRE/falling in love with another - how should M treat P if M wants to stay together
- Guidlines for space, not being needy/clingy \
- What to do during panic attack when your responsible for three children
- Can lines be drawn by M and not crossed, what to do if P crosses the lines
- Therapist/therapy for a new M can it help
- Do modern therapists know about Polyamory or can be effective in dealing if this is the lifestyle we are going to have (i.e. we're not looking to change back to both Mono)
- Meeting P's other
- If M does not want to meet P's other, and believes deep down there can never be a meeting, can this work has this been experienced and things turned out OK
- P leaving M for another P (sound like a familiar fear :0)? )
- Warning signs
- Does M need to become P too?
- Can male-mono female-poly both hetero work?
 
I will attempt a few of your questions... most are common to this forum and you will find your answers quickly, I think, if you look around a bit.

Ari had some good advice... I'm not sure why your search engine is not working... weird.
- Safe sex vs. unprotected in Polyamory
- After testing for STDs is it ever acceptable for unprotected

unprotected sex is called "fluid bonding," which really should only be achieved with the consent of all and with the understanding that protection will be used with new people or that everyone is poly fi; not having sex with anyone outside of the tribe.

- What to do during panic attack when your responsible for three children

What are you doing caring for the kids all the time? When does she care for them so that you can go out and do your thing? Is she available when away? Can you reach her and have her be there in a moments notice? The idea is to achieve balance. Not be an absent parent.

- Do modern therapists know about Polyamory or can be effective in dealing if this is the lifestyle we are going to have (i.e. we're not looking to change back to both Mono)

yes, there are poly friendly therapists that will be able to address the issues you are having with you

- Can male-mono female-poly both hetero work?

yes, with more hard work than a poly/poly or mono/mono relationship it seems
 
What are you doing caring for the kids all the time? When does she care for them so that you can go out and do your thing? Is she available when away? Can you reach her and have her be there in a moments notice? The idea is to achieve balance. Not be an absent parent.

My thoughts exactly.
 
Thx for your insights. I just met his SO (I was told his wife but they're not married), and she really freaked me out - doh! My wife told me last night that she was just having fun (f**k buddy) and I immediately felt better, but according to his SO he is 'serious' about my wife. Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare - doh. I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh. I had surgery and pain for 6 months just to avoid IUD or her hormones because that is so important to me to have no interference down there. I think this poly thing is good for you who are poly and willing to compromise your deepest desires for the sake of multiple partners. For me this is turning out I make all the compromises and will get STDs (I'm STD free only 1 partner in life so far) if I want to stay with my wife.

OK I guess you call that venting I think I'm in trouble.
 
Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare - doh. I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh.

OK I guess you call that venting I think I'm in trouble.

I'm sorry - WHAT??? THEY have multiple STD's and his goal is to have your wife bare??? WTF...

I would be running a million miles from this one - does your wife know about this - okay she knows about the going bare bit - does she know about all the STD's? Is she willing to go down this path? for the sake of being bare? I know I sure as hell wouldn't and knowing someone would be happy to risk me getting ill just for the sake of 'nothing in between' .... NO WAY...

If your wife knows about this and is happy to risk you as well...

Time for a Big talk with your wife...

big hugs to you, I can't imagine what this is doing to you...
 
I'm sorry - WHAT??? THEY have multiple STD's and his goal is to have your wife bare??? WTF...

I would be running a million miles from this one - does your wife know about this - okay she knows about the going bare bit - does she know about all the STD's? Is she willing to go down this path? for the sake of being bare? I know I sure as hell wouldn't and knowing someone would be happy to risk me getting ill just for the sake of 'nothing in between' .... NO WAY...

If your wife knows about this and is happy to risk you as well...

Time for a Big talk with your wife...

big hugs to you, I can't imagine what this is doing to you...

Ditto...big ole red flag for me on that one too.

STD's life threatening or not, are your choice to engage with.

Kids too...wow. Why does this feel like an alpha trying to mark his territory.

The cynic in me is reeling for you. Are either of these things on the table? Or are they waves being created by that side. What does your wife say?...it sounds like you might be getting railroaded...
 
Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare - doh. I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh. I had surgery and pain for 6 months just to avoid IUD or her hormones because that is so important to me to have no interference down there. I think this poly thing is good for you who are poly and willing to compromise your deepest desires for the sake of multiple partners. For me this is turning out I make all the compromises and will get STDs (I'm STD free only 1 partner in life so far) if I want to stay with my wife.

This disgusts me to no end. I feel like puking right now but I haven't eaten any solid food today so I think I'll just go and dry-heave.

Are you sure you're serious? Or are you yanking our collective chain? You seem to be resigned to "getting multiple STD's". I guess it's your body, who am I to tell you what you can do with it...:rolleyes:
 
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I saw red when I read the post - I don't usually respond as I don't like to impose my own thoughts on others - but that.... *lots of swear words and angry noises*


My brain is rejecting it. I read the words but my mind is refusing to ingest the meaning of it all.
 
Thx for your insights. I just met his SO (I was told his wife but they're not married), and she really freaked me out - doh! My wife told me last night that she was just having fun (f**k buddy) and I immediately felt better, but according to his SO he is 'serious' about my wife. Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare - doh. I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh. I had surgery and pain for 6 months just to avoid IUD or her hormones because that is so important to me to have no interference down there. I think this poly thing is good for you who are poly and willing to compromise your deepest desires for the sake of multiple partners. For me this is turning out I make all the compromises and will get STDs (I'm STD free only 1 partner in life so far) if I want to stay with my wife.

OK I guess you call that venting I think I'm in trouble.

This whole post is almost too much to comprehend. How can any mature, mentally and emotionally balanced person engage in a sexual relationship of this nature knowingly exposing themselves and their husband to this type of risk? Your wife needs a serious talk and read about the affects of NRE because she is drowning in it.
Time to stand up and be heard my friend..you've got two feet, put one down...
 
Hello, it did feel good to vent. Everything I said was truthful. I was hoping to leave personal details out but I couldn't. I guess my wife is thinking there are less severe STDs. In this case it is G. Herpes and HPV. We have O. Herpes (who doesn't?) and its really low statistic to have both, abd says 80% of women have HPV. We are both clean of these right now and it would feel horrible if/when we got these. There seems to be a plumbing problem when they use a condom (oh darn!) and they were seeking a solution. She is agreeing to stick with condom for now and I've promised to stay with her. I was feeling anguish before and you must have picked up on that. Wish me luck.
 
Hello, it did feel good to vent. Everything I said was truthful. I was hoping to leave personal details out but I couldn't. I guess my wife is thinking there are less severe STDs. In this case it is G. Herpes and HPV. We have O. Herpes (who doesn't?) and its really low statistic to have both, abd says 80% of women have HPV. We are both clean of these right now and it would feel horrible if/when we got these. There seems to be a plumbing problem when they use a condom (oh darn!) and they were seeking a solution. She is agreeing to stick with condom for now and I've promised to stay with her. I was feeling anguish before and you must have picked up on that. Wish me luck.

No offence but you are still playing with odds. Totally your choice of course, but it is your right to avoid infection :)

Plumbing problem with a condom? Never an excuse.
 
Now that I can think straight ;)
So herpes you can work around to minimize the risk, lots of people have healthy active sex lives and never seem to infect other people.....because they are careful and don't ignore common sense when they are at risk. G can be cured, so patience is key. I don't know much about HPV. All that being said, this couple seems very at risk for even worse infections...the kind that kill. Your wife has got to see reason in your concerns. You have children right? How will they feel if their mommy and or daddy get AIDS?
If she goes ahead with this perhaps you should insist on having completely safe sex with her or even better...find yourself a low risk girlfriend and get those needs met elsewhere while she enjoys this couple.
Take care and be safe
 
OMFG! Why Knowingly expose yourselves to this? Numbers? Statistics? It will stay with you for life and, if you are responsibe, you will have to disclose this to EVERY potential partner(s) for the remainder of your lives. I would advise STRONGLY against this IMHO.
 
Just the words coming out of someones mouth "STD" makes my pussy shut right down until I know for sure that I am completely safe.

I am really surprised that your partner is at all interested... not because of the STD's but because of the attitude! Blowing it off like it's nothing. Saying that they want to go bare... of all the gaul...! BAH! I'd be gone...

Some guys use it as a mark that they have slept with someone, but they usually don't tell the woman first. What on earth does she see in them?
 
Thx for your insights. I just met his SO (I was told his wife but they're not married), and she really freaked me out - doh! My wife told me last night that she was just having fun (f**k buddy) and I immediately felt better, but according to his SO he is 'serious' about my wife. Also they have multiple STDs (not life threatening) and his goal is to have my wife bare - doh. I'm fixed but he is not and he has children with three women. His SO said 'they' are considering (my wife and him) she get an IUD for this so it wouldn't be long until I have multiple STDs - doh. I had surgery and pain for 6 months just to avoid IUD or her hormones because that is so important to me to have no interference down there. I think this poly thing is good for you who are poly and willing to compromise your deepest desires for the sake of multiple partners. For me this is turning out I make all the compromises and will get STDs (I'm STD free only 1 partner in life so far) if I want to stay with my wife.

OK I guess you call that venting I think I'm in trouble.

I don't think I could handle those terms-at all.

I'm the poly one in my dynamic.
GG (boyfriend) is mono for SURE.
Maca (husband) is on the fence for now.

BUT-all of those risks? Not reasonable, not reasonable AT ALL.

I read your FIRST post and thought immediately to tell you, go get the book "The Seven Levels of Intimacy".
It's NOT a poly book.
It's the BEST self-help book I've EVER read. I read ALL the time. I read fast and I've been through hundreds of books. That book kicks ass.

My husband is reading it right now and talking about reading it a second time when he finishes-and he NEVER reads. He (like you said) has put off reading ANYTHING (self help or entertainment) that I've suggested for so long.
We've been married 12 years, known each other 20+ years. I told him last September I was poly and couldn't pretend to be a mono wife any more.

Our world has been a hailstorm of emotions since.

You can check out my blog (listed below in my signature) for some details.
You can also check out his login and mine-and see our various posts in order to get a picture.

You can also PM Maca-he's much in your shoes-but I can guarantee, risks of pregnancy and std's would be a NO GO in our situation.
We have 4 kids and my Godson-and there's NO WAY we're having more.
Boyfriend got a vasectomy as well (husband had one already) because we aren't going that road.

I fucked a LOT of things up in my marriage trying to be something I wasn't (mono).
But, in coming out poly-I've gotten a clear cut picture of how to TRULY respect my husband-and I guarantee you there is NO RESPECT if someone is willing to take such risks.

Babies are people-they deserve solid, functional and reliable families-doesn't need to be a 2 parent family per se (ours is a 4 parent family) but it does need to be stable; a new relationship like you describe-isn't stable.

And NO ONE should risk spreading STD's. I have herpes-I would NEVER consider taking a lover without knowing for certain that they already had it-or they were a FOREVER lover.

Maca and GG don't have it-17 years with GG, 12 (going on 13) with Maca and they still test negative-BUT-I take a FUCK load of precautions and they are forever. Both were told upfront and we've always been careful.

If someone isn't willing to be that careful and that RESPECTFUL of the person they want to have sex with-they don't need to be having sex.

(ok, that was my not very humble two cents-sorry)....
 
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