Please help - I need advice - I am mono, he is poly

SnowCrystal

New member
Hey guys. I do not know where else to post this. I came across these forums when I was just googling stuff on monogamous+polygamous relationships just seeking advice and help. I am hoping I came to the right place where I can truly get unbiased opinions.

First of all I guess I should get to the point. I am "dating" someone who is poly. He has had strict monogamous relationships in the past but he has also had relationships in the past where he was poly.

We were in a monogamous relationship. However he "broke up" with me due to the fact that I had some trust issues due to the fact he moved here (it was originally a long distance monogamous relationship) and it was taking him months to get a job. I started doubting he was even looking, and I went and checked my PC's browser history to see if he was looking. He got torn by this and dumped me. But anyways onto the matter at hand...

I however am straight monogamous. I am fiercly loyal to whoever I am with, and I do not want anyone else mating with my lover / having sex with him or being with him romantically other than myself.

However, since we "broke up" we have still been romantically involved trying to "get back together" but there were countless times he rubbed it in my face we "broke up." He now wants to get back with me along with another woman. He won't settle for being with just me and her.

Due to all that has been going on, I have been feeling a great deal of depression, finding myself crying a lot since he has stated he wants to be in a relationship with me and another one of his exes. I just want one lover to myself - whether it was him or whomever I ended up with. I debated about just giving him up to her completely. However, apparently this is not "good enough" for him. He cannot accept being with just one of us as "we are both a part of him" and without both of us and not just one of us, he is only "half of himself. He also cannot accept "just being friends with me," and I feel stuck in a predicament that is basically doomed to fail. When I brought it up to him he got extremely depressive. I do not want to see him cry so I kept on keeping it hidden. He also asked me to wait until all of us moved in together so we could "all discuss it."

I should also add in that him, the other girl he wants a romantic relationship with, and with myself are all roommates. We all live together in the same apartment. The girl just moved here last week (we recently moved). Honestly though I do not know where else to vent and just let out how I feel... if I try bringing it up at home to him I am told to stop being so territorial, or to accept that he loves both me and her. I was also asked to not bring it up until after we all "moved in together" but it is just not fair. However there were countless times he asked me to block somebody online or call block them due to the fact that he was so territorial over me, which makes no sense.

I have felt numb, but there were a ton of times I just wanted to let it all out, and let out my hurt, frustration, and anger, but I have been keeping that part of me hidden for so long now that I feel numb inside....

I really need advice. I need help. I do not know where else to turn. I do not want to turn to my parents because they will try to pull me out of the situation I am in and ruin any chance I have of keeping any of them as friends. They are the only friends I really have right now, and I cannot move out of where I am at - I have nowhere to go. I gave up my apartment him and I were living in before to move in with them into our new place (it is a 2 br apartment with a den). I have no one else to turn to that does not know both him and I. I want unbiased advice. I do not want people putting me or him down. I just need some two cents from people that do not know him, and maybe can read my post for what it's worth and just throw in their two cents...

I want to talk to him about it, and honestly I would rather just be single again. I am single but not at the same time. We are "together" but not together. We are lovers but not "official" because he wants to be both with her and myself. We WERE together at one point but he dumped me because when he first moved here (we were in a long distance relationship) he sold a lot of stuff to come here, and has not had a job or anything. He said he was looking for a job but I would come home from work seeing him just playing video games, and I have dished out over 22k since he moved here towards rent, bills, going to see his family back where he moved from, etc. He would claim to be looking for jobs when I was away and it was his down time, but he never got calls from any places or anything except for once while he was there (for Giant). I went through the search history on my computer (which he mostly uses my desktop) just to see if he was looking. He dumped me due to "my lack of trust." Which is unfair because there were countless times he would grab my cell phone, or go through my messages on FB with other people when I accidentally left my account logged in. He said I had to earn his trust back but trust goes two ways, and there were tons of times he doubted me and did not trust me, and went through my stuff. Yet he dumped me for the same reason, which to me is him just being his own damn hypocrite...

I love him but am frustrated at all that is going on. Depressed, because I know I will be the one that causes the distrust between all of us. The other girl knows he loves both of us and is okay with the idea of all of us being together in a polygamous relationship. I am not. I am the one with the "problem" so to say. I am the one that is not okay with it..... and it has been putting a great weight on me between that and everything else. I am almost numb at this point with emotion, as I have cried alone countless nights. He would go and sleep with her in the same bed and I would go into another room to sleep and cry myself to sleep. I am so depressed and just numb from everything it is hard to feel anything anymore.... and I need help. I do not know where else to turn. My emotions have been restrained in side of me since. If I let it out, if I could, it would be just me balling into tears at work or somewhere else. I cannot let it out at work, at home, no where....
 
Last edited:
Polygamous. "That word. I do not think it means, what you think it means."
I couldn't even finish reading it after I realized you aren't using the correct word.
 
Polygamous. "That word. I do not think it means, what you think it means."
I couldn't even finish reading it after I realized you aren't using the correct word.

Then please forgive me as I am new to this, and if you could please tell me what the correct word is. I am just seeking advice... and I need help. I do not know where else to turn to.
 
It's polyamorous, but it's an honest mistake.

Honey, you might not want to talk to your parents, but you need to get out of there or get the other two out. $22,000, not a single call for a job interview, AND you have to support someone who's not your boyfriend and insists on screwing another woman AND you (who he dumped and still hasn't made up with). Are you paying her bills too? You are being used and not even being treated remotely nicely. Kick him to the curb! He won't even pretend to listen to you or help you. He doesn't deserve you! This isn't poly; it's crazy. Rescue yourself. Get them off your payroll and look for a man that loves you, respects you, and helps you instead of eating you alive. You may need your parents help to get rid of that parasite, but please don't be ashamed to ask. You were tricked, he's the bad guy, get him out. Good luck!
 
It's polyamorous, but it's an honest mistake.

Honey, you might not want to talk to your parents, but you need to get out of there or get the other two out. $22,000, not a single call for a job interview, AND you have to support someone who's not your boyfriend and insists on screwing another woman AND you (who he dumped and still hasn't made up with). Are you paying her bills too? You are being used and not even being treated remotely nicely. Kick him to the curb! He won't even pretend to listen to you or help you. He doesn't deserve you! This isn't poly; it's crazy. Rescue yourself. Get them off your payroll and look for a man that loves you, respects you, and helps you instead of eating you alive. You may need your parents help to get rid of that parasite, but please don't be ashamed to ask. You were tricked, he's the bad guy, get him out. Good luck!

My thoughts exactly!
 
I debated about just giving him up to her completely. However, apparently this is not "good enough" for him. He cannot accept being with just one of us as "we are both a part of him" and without both of us and not just one of us, he is only "half of himself. He also cannot accept "just being friends with me," and I feel stuck in a predicament that is basically doomed to fail. When I brought it up to him he got extremely depressive. I do not want to see him cry so I kept on keeping it hidden. He also asked me to wait until all of us moved in together so we could "all discuss it."

Hugs, SnowCrystal,

I only quoted the above, but the whole thing seems horribly unbalanced. You are in an unfamiliar area, with no friends who aren't shared friends, which leaves you feeling dependent on the him for friendship. On top of that, you're feeling steamrolled into a relationship style you don't want because he won't take no for an answer, AND you're around him and his other GF both 24/7 and have no other outlet. Not to mention that he seems to hold a double standard around privacy and actually being allowed to have feelings.

Ugh.

I know you don't feel you have anywhere to go, but can you start looking for a place of your own? Some distance may make it easier to think a bit more clearly about all this. You need to feel like you're not at the mercy of their decisions, and need some leverage (and space... and friends!) of your own.

Hang in there...
 
Don't get too tangled up in the labels. I suspect Memorandum means your use of "polygamous" (many marriages) vs. "polyamory" (many loves - and the subject of this site). Personally I think your meaning was clear.
He also asked me to wait until all of us moved in together so we could "all discuss it."
That is completely backwards. You shouldn't even begin considering moving in together until you have all the details sorted out. Perhaps he's hoping that once you're all living together you'll lack the resources to move back out once you realise what you've gotten yourself into.

The other girl knows he loves both of us and is okay with the idea of all of us being together in a polygamous relationship. I am not. I am the one with the "problem" so to say. I am the one that is not okay with it..... and it has been putting a great weight on me between that and everything else.
If he wants you to be ok with it then he needs to help you be ok with it, and if he's not willing to put in the work then he's not going to get the result he desires. He needs to understand that there's no magic switch you can flick to make yourself suddenly poly and he certainly needs to understand that you're not deliberately refusing to flick it just 'cause you want to make life difficult. I realise we're only hearing one side of the story here, but it doesn't sound to me like he's willing to try.
 
You're being emotionally abused. End it. Get yourself taken off the lease and move back with your parents. Make new friends. Get counseling for your depression.
 
If you would honestly rather be single? Break up for good and be single then. Stop sharing sex with your ex. Start behaving like he is your ex. Most people don't live with their ex.

Depression is anger turned inward and you have a lot to be angry about. Start expressing more in appropriate ways. Seek a counselor.

He is a mooch and he discounts your feelings and strings you along manipulating you. It is not your job to "complete him" or support him or whatever. He can deal with his disappointment appropriately like a grown up and not be glomming on you making it hard for you to leave. You do not exist to create his happiness in his life for him. You exist to create your happiness in your life for yourself. You are not being territorial to express unhappiness and want to leave a relationship that is not fulfilling for you or the shape you want it to be for your romances. You are allowed to withdraw your participation with dignity. You seem to recognize it is unhealthy here.

Do a different behavior so you can start to feel better. I strongly suggest you stop participating here.

I strongly suggest you call your parents from work so you are not overheard by roomies to come help you get out of this toxic environment. These people are not behaving friendly toward you. This is all less than loving behavior. Rather than fearing losing fake friends/bad lovers... You go for what you honestly want ... Being single!

Continue to love him for now if you must, but get your body out of the line of fire. Usually one must leave abuse physically before they can leave mentally and emotionally. Your thoughts and feelings can catch up later once you are free from bad environment and can heal some. In time you will detach and with counseling your depression will heal. Please ask for the help you need.

You could allow this to happen and allow yourself to move it forward rather than staying stuck. Don't stand on pride. Call the parents. Get on the path to wellness. Do not continue on the hurtful path. You can do this. GL!

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
First time responding to a post on here, as I am new to this as well, but definitely not new to the relationship "game". Listen to the others on here. Your BF may be truly poly, but he's definitely not treating you with respect. The one thing I've come to realize is that the incredible beauty of being truly poly is that you have to communicate - frequently, thoroughly, and with love and open-minded ness. My BF is not new to this as his wife has been open and dating for a while, but I am his first GF and I am learning so much about how this should be done. My husband is not poly and it's been extremely difficult for him to make the transition from monogamous to me being poly amorous, but I am so, so careful to treat him with respect, love, and not force anything on him that he's not ready for.

Your BF is not giving you the same consideration, and you deserve it. It seems like he's forcing the idea of taking on another girlfriend on you, and adopting a "like it or leave it" attitude. Meanwhile, he's enjoying your hospitality and your paycheck. He's got it all! Why should he leave what is, to him, an ideal situation?

Honey, it doesn't matter if he's poly or mono - he's disrespecting you and hurting you. Turning the tables and blaming it on you (calling you "territorial", for example, when you object to him dating a roommate!) is a manipulation tactic. It is not your fault that you do not want to share him. It is his fault for forcing the idea on you and then making you feel guilty for not agreeing to it. You should probably take a break from this, remove yourself from this situation to get a clear head, and then ask yourself if this is how you wish to be treated by someone you love.

Btw, just because someone dates multiple people does not make him poly amorous. Being poly is the capacity to love more than one, not just want to date or f*** more than one. Is he truly poly? Or does he "want his Kate and Edith,too"? Either way, it sounds as if he's found a way to manipulate you into getting what he wants, and your needs are not being met. People who truly love each other treat each other with respect. Good luck!
 
We were in a monogamous relationship. However he "broke up" with me due to the fact that I had some trust issues due to the fact he moved here (it was originally a long distance monogamous relationship) and it was taking him months to get a job. I started doubting he was even looking, and I went and checked my PC's browser history to see if he was looking. He got torn by this and dumped me.

And, what did you find? Was there any evidence that he's looking for a job?

I however am straight monogamous. I am fiercly loyal to whoever I am with, and I do not want anyone else mating with my lover / having sex with him or being with him romantically other than myself.

This is your answer. You don't want to be in a relationship with someone who is not monogamous. He is not monogamous. End of story.

I debated about just giving him up to her completely. However, apparently this is not "good enough" for him. He cannot accept being with just one of us as "we are both a part of him" and without both of us and not just one of us, he is only "half of himself. He also cannot accept "just being friends with me," and I feel stuck in a predicament that is basically doomed to fail.

So you tell him "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." His desire is not your obligation. He can want what he wants. He can feel sad if he doesn't get it. But none of that makes it your responsibility to give him what he wants and cure his depression. That's on him.

Honestly though I do not know where else to vent and just let out how I feel... if I try bringing it up at home to him I am told to stop being so territorial, or to accept that he loves both me and her.

More manipulation tactics. Expressing your feelings and needs is not being "territorial." It's communication -- the cornerstone of any healthy relationship.

I was also asked to not bring it up until after we all "moved in together" but it is just not fair.

"Tut tut. Don't express yourself until it's too late to do anything about it, until you're in over your head and you're trapped and held captive. Then, if you try to do something about it, we'll tell you that you're being territorial and that you're hurting our feelings. Boo hoo. We're so helpless and sad and pathetic, you have to take care of us and forego your needs and wants just so we can live out this little fantasy of ours."

Yeah. Fuck that shit.

They are the only friends I really have right now, and I cannot move out of where I am at - I have nowhere to go.

Better to have no friends than to continue investing time and energy into two vampires who are sucking the life out of you. You can make new friends. Every moment you waste on these parasites is a moment you're not out there, finding people who will love and support you. These are not friends. They are wolves in sheep's clothing.
 
Hey everyone, an update!

First of all thank you for the replies. However this went in the complete OPPOSITE direction of where I wanted it to.

I think because of the way I wrote and worded my topic, people started assuming my SO/lover/boyfriend is a bad individual who is mooching off of me.

This is NOT what I wanted, at all. I was in no way trying to get this message across.

If anything he typically puts others before himself. He also is certainly NOT mooching me for my money. When I said I spent 22k since he has been here, it was just me venting over how much I have lost since he has been here. I am not regretful for it. He already spent a ton of money and sold a lot of his valuables to come here, so that makes up for it in more ways than one. Having him here was always just enough for me. I did not like spending that much money, but I was ok with it as long as he loved me and was here.

Also, you guys also seem to get the misrepresentation that he just wants his cake and pie too, when this is also not the case. He loves both me and her equally, and yes he is poly. When reading similar stories on here on people that are poly, he certainly fits the bill: he is a person that has the capability to love multiple people. I am sure if he could he would want more than just me and her, but for him me and her is enough.

I am the one with the problem - I am mono at heart and mind, and I cannot change that part of me. I have tried accepting it. Thinking about it, even going as far as to join this forum for advice. But I did not want a bash fest on him or myself. I think the way I worded my initial topic had everyone confused that he was this bad person. Which I guess since the way I vented, it came across that way - and that is my fault. For this I apologize.

He is a great man. Stubborn at times but a great person. He does not want to hurt me, or her, but he also did not want to choose between me and her. He asked me to keep quiet about it because he felt it was something all 3 of us needed to discuss. It has just been hard holding it all in, which is why it resulted in the rant on here.

Also, yes he has been looking for jobs. It was my FEARS that made me doubt he wasn't. He was using his personal laptop to find jobs. Now he uses mine since his laptop is pretty much FUBAR'd. There were days he went out to walk around and look for jobs even if it was hot as heck or cold outside, and he would try to find a job to no avail. He also does not have a car to get around. He sold that awhile ago to help pay off bills him and his best friend had.

The whole reason I posted this is I wanted advice - from perhaps other people who were in mono and poly relationships. He is a good person. I just constantly felt the guilt of me being the mono in the relationship and him being poly. The other girl is mono for the most part, but she was willing to accept a poly relationship because she knows me (we are good friends). She would not have been okay with it otherwise.

However, I WAS finally able to talk to both him and her about it, where I just vented everything of how I felt and spoke with them, and they also vented to me their fears, feelings about the situation, etc. In the end he decided he just wants to be with me. Though I am still not certain if I am happy with his decision. :I I can see the hurt in his eyes that he still wishes he could have her in his life as more than just a friend, and this kills me inside. I do not want him restricting himself to keep me around because he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me.

I should be happy, right...? But in the end it is just killing me inside, because now I feel the guilt because he felt he had to make a decision. I hate it.... D: I sometimes wish I could just be poly so I could accept it. I am just a different type of person - if I am dating someone, I want them to myself and myself only. And if I start to fall in love with someone else, usually I fall OUT of love with the person I am dating at the time. It is just how I am and am wired, I guess... and sometimes I wish I could be wired differently so I can make all of them happy. But it also kills me inside if he would be with me and her, it would be eating away at me.

While yes, he did chose me, I still feel like he only did it because he wanted to keep me around and not lose me. He wants to make all of us happy but sacrifices someone else he loves to appeal to that, as well as not being able to be with both people he loves. D:
 
There are two aspects of mono and poly that interplay in relationships.
  1. How many people am I capable of loving at a time (one or multiple)?
  2. How many people am I comfortable sharing my partner with (none or multiple?)
The first relates to whether or not a person is mono or poly. The second relates to whether the person prefers to date people who are mono or poly.

In your case, you're mono and you prefer to date mono. Your boyfriend is poly. That's an incompatibility.

In the end he decided he just wants to be with me. Though I am still not certain if I am happy with his decision. :I I can see the hurt in his eyes that he still wishes he could have her in his life as more than just a friend, and this kills me inside. I do not want him restricting himself to keep me around because he loves me so much and doesn't want to lose me.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you gave him an ultimatum and he chose you. I'm getting that from the "doesn't want to lose me" bit.

Your boyfriend can't change who he is inside. His desire to date other people will never go away, even if right now he's decided not to date that one particular girl. By allowing this arrangement to continue, you're merely delaying the inevitable. This issue will come up again, be it in a month, a year, 5, 10, 20 years. Personally, I'm not a fan of burying problems under the rug and pretending everything is hunky-dorey. That's a recipe for capital-D Disaster.
 
You guys broke up. But continued as roomies who share sex. You wanted to end that too.

Now he wants to be with just you and get back together. You do not like it or want it. This still does not solve you just really wanting to be single.

So... What would you like at this point in time?

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
Back
Top