ViableAlternative
New member
I don't respond on threads here very often; mostly I just read.... I really only ever hop in when I see a point of view that's not been mentioned. So, while there's tons to say, I'm really only going to focus on the bits that no one else has. Please don't take offense; none is meant, I assure you. I just see a point of view that seems unmentioned so far.
Jill sounds like a very carefree, life-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited woman. You mention world travel, burning man, and feminism. These characteristics are a two-edged sword; someone spontaneous and free-spirited can be so refreshing to be with and to love. The personality of such a person can bring new perspectives and layers to a relationship. But on the other side of that are the problems that spontaneity and free-spirit-ed-ness (hrwuh? new word!) can almost invariably bring.
I am, whenever possible, a very spontaneous person. On the way to South Dakota, I might take a detour through Brazil, if there's time. I totally understand the concept of things "just happening". Things often DO "just happen", with me. Thing is, I understand that about myself and wont make relationship agreements that disallow spontaneity. I'll agree to lots of things - barrier protection, calling if I'm going to be gone longer than expected, etc. - and I try very hard not to break plans once made. But I WON'T agree to things that limit my spontaneity too far. I would utterly wither under the expectation of being what you call "intentional". I am my own person; I go where I like, I kiss who I kiss, I love when I love. I won't change, and I know that. And I know VERY well that there are whole heaping piles of people who would not date someone like me. And that's okay.
I suspect that Jill is similar. I also suspect that she might be still discovering and understanding herself. I know I am; most of us are. Further, I suspect that she may not yet even KNOW what sorts of agreements are or aren't right for her, and that by agreeing to being "intentional", she may be agreeing to something that's beyond her abilities, or worse, detrimental and damaging to her very spirit. By agreeing to be "intentional", she may be agreeing to curtail her spontaneity. Maybe this could even be a step in destroying that free-spirit-ed-ness that might be part of what you love about her.
I don't know if any of that is true for Jill, and maybe none of it is. But it might be some food for thought. You might consider weighing the cost to her against the cost of the "damage" that comes with her as-is. For example, is the cost of the change in personality greater or lesser than the damage of her having sex with someone spontaneously? Could there be other agreements that free her up to have that sexual spontaneity? For instance, I wouldn't agree to discuss with an existing partner prior to sex with a new partner, but I WOULD agree to discuss it at the earliest convenience, be it before or after. To elaborate: say I like Gabe, and I go out with Gabe occasionally, but I don't really think Gabe is interested in me sexually. Though I would discuss Gabe with my existing partner (I like talking about my friends, so of course my partner would know I'd been hanging out with Gabe!), I wouldn't have thought to discuss about having sex with Gabe with my existing partner. Then, say Gabe and I go out, have fun, and Gabe discloses an interest in sex with me. If the mood strikes, I might be all for it. So we have sex. The following Tuesday, my partner and I are together, and I explain, " Hey, guess what? Gabe WAS interested in me sexually, and we had sex! We used barriers, etc., etc." Of course, if I'd thought that sex was in the cards beforehand, I'd have mentioned it beforehand.
Anyhow, just some thoughts to chew on. Just remember that some of the traits you love in someone may be the very traits that you hate, too.
Oh! Also, you might consider a little more self-caring in this, too; stop blanketing your anger at Jill with your love for her. You're MAD at her, and that's okay. You keep covering it up in ways like, "I'm angry about her screaming and fighting, but it's not a big deal, it's okay because she's so awesome and I really love her. Stop covering the anger! Feel it. It's there for a reason, whether it's rational or justified is irrelevant. Feel it and process it, or LET IT GO. Don't cover it up. You're entitled to it, and it's okay.
Jill sounds like a very carefree, life-loving, spontaneous, free-spirited woman. You mention world travel, burning man, and feminism. These characteristics are a two-edged sword; someone spontaneous and free-spirited can be so refreshing to be with and to love. The personality of such a person can bring new perspectives and layers to a relationship. But on the other side of that are the problems that spontaneity and free-spirit-ed-ness (hrwuh? new word!) can almost invariably bring.
I am, whenever possible, a very spontaneous person. On the way to South Dakota, I might take a detour through Brazil, if there's time. I totally understand the concept of things "just happening". Things often DO "just happen", with me. Thing is, I understand that about myself and wont make relationship agreements that disallow spontaneity. I'll agree to lots of things - barrier protection, calling if I'm going to be gone longer than expected, etc. - and I try very hard not to break plans once made. But I WON'T agree to things that limit my spontaneity too far. I would utterly wither under the expectation of being what you call "intentional". I am my own person; I go where I like, I kiss who I kiss, I love when I love. I won't change, and I know that. And I know VERY well that there are whole heaping piles of people who would not date someone like me. And that's okay.
I suspect that Jill is similar. I also suspect that she might be still discovering and understanding herself. I know I am; most of us are. Further, I suspect that she may not yet even KNOW what sorts of agreements are or aren't right for her, and that by agreeing to being "intentional", she may be agreeing to something that's beyond her abilities, or worse, detrimental and damaging to her very spirit. By agreeing to be "intentional", she may be agreeing to curtail her spontaneity. Maybe this could even be a step in destroying that free-spirit-ed-ness that might be part of what you love about her.
I don't know if any of that is true for Jill, and maybe none of it is. But it might be some food for thought. You might consider weighing the cost to her against the cost of the "damage" that comes with her as-is. For example, is the cost of the change in personality greater or lesser than the damage of her having sex with someone spontaneously? Could there be other agreements that free her up to have that sexual spontaneity? For instance, I wouldn't agree to discuss with an existing partner prior to sex with a new partner, but I WOULD agree to discuss it at the earliest convenience, be it before or after. To elaborate: say I like Gabe, and I go out with Gabe occasionally, but I don't really think Gabe is interested in me sexually. Though I would discuss Gabe with my existing partner (I like talking about my friends, so of course my partner would know I'd been hanging out with Gabe!), I wouldn't have thought to discuss about having sex with Gabe with my existing partner. Then, say Gabe and I go out, have fun, and Gabe discloses an interest in sex with me. If the mood strikes, I might be all for it. So we have sex. The following Tuesday, my partner and I are together, and I explain, " Hey, guess what? Gabe WAS interested in me sexually, and we had sex! We used barriers, etc., etc." Of course, if I'd thought that sex was in the cards beforehand, I'd have mentioned it beforehand.
Anyhow, just some thoughts to chew on. Just remember that some of the traits you love in someone may be the very traits that you hate, too.
Oh! Also, you might consider a little more self-caring in this, too; stop blanketing your anger at Jill with your love for her. You're MAD at her, and that's okay. You keep covering it up in ways like, "I'm angry about her screaming and fighting, but it's not a big deal, it's okay because she's so awesome and I really love her. Stop covering the anger! Feel it. It's there for a reason, whether it's rational or justified is irrelevant. Feel it and process it, or LET IT GO. Don't cover it up. You're entitled to it, and it's okay.