I think I made a mistake

Kimk010514

New member
Ok here is a intro on my life I'm a single mother going thru a divorce and poly is very new to me but I have been interested in seeing what poly was and since Jan of this year I started to be the unicorn to a married couple they have been together for 11 yrs but been married almost 4 yrs... I feel like I'm coming in between their marriage but they say I ain't .. My gf I'll call her E and my bf and her husband I'll call him P.. E works first shift and P works third shift so the morning before P goes to bed I sit nod talk to him and at might while P is at work I spend time with E. E thinks that me and P spend more time together then her and P does but what she fails to realize me and P really dint spend that much time together.... Today me and P were talking and he told me that till we all get all the issues worked out between us that he was not going to have intercourse with either of us but ended up having sex with E, no I'm not mad or upset that they had sex I'm more upset that he lied to me, all he had to tell me was that he didn't want to have sex with me that he just wanted to have sex with E but no he lied to me and told me that he wasn't going to have sex with either of us yes I understand that's his wife but don't tell me one thing and do another maybe I'm wrong or maybe I ain't. When they fight they push me away when they both ignore me.... I just wish things could get better for us I love them and their kids dearly and they love me and my son dearly... Some advice would be apprecaited:confused:
 
This is a really good site to help you understand poly:

http://www.morethantwo.com/

All three of you need to understand that unicorns do NOT exist! Look it up on line at the Urban dictionary site as well as the term Metamour, it sounds like you are a secondary in a poly/mono relationship so read about it at more than two, so I hope this helps, good luck :)
 
Idk what to do I love them both :confused:
 
Sounds like this is very hard for all three of you so maybe look at the fact that he had sex with E after he said NO MORE SEX as him being very confused and changing his mind rather to him lying to you, ploy relationship are extremely difficult for me at least so far so please at least try doing what I started doing today by doing a little reading up, bit by bit at more than two.
 
I understand E is his wife but that don't mean that he had to tell me one thing and do another I'm going thru a divorce with a guy that cheated and lied to me from the time my son was 2 months old till he was 4 months old and finally came clean to me about everything a couple days ago so I'm going thru that it just sucks that I'm going thru this and dating a married couple
 
I understand E is his wife but that don't mean that he had to tell me one thing and do another I'm going thru a divorce with a guy that cheated and lied to me from the time my son was 2 months old till he was 4 months old and finally came clean to me about everything a couple days ago so I'm going thru that it just sucks that I'm going thru this and dating a married couple

People say thing and do another a lot including us, part of being poly is being open and communicating.
 
You can't control how your BF acts, but you can control how you react to his actions. Does he understand how much it means to you that he not sleep with his wife once he's told you he's not going to? He may not realise you see it as a big deal, and if you don't tell him he won't know.

If he does know how you feel about it and did it anyway, you need to ask yourself if you really want to be involved with someone who cares so little for your well-being. This is where your control of your reactions comes in. You can choose to put up with it - which means you're teaching him it's ok, or you can choose to do something about it - which shows him it's not ok.

"Something" may be anything from talking to him about the issue all the way up to removing yourself from a situation you no longer find to be joyful and/or safe.
 
But there is a catch I'm not from Indiana and that's where they r from I moved 8 hours away from my family and friends to be with them And I know I. Didn't do it to walk away from. It without trying to fix our problems but I just don't know if I. Should have the feeling I do or should I? I know I'm just the girlfriend in this relationship and yes I understand they have more so I shouldn't get upset or what not about anything that happens between them may I'm over reacting
 
You can't stay in a relationship which leaves you as an optional extra just because it was a hassle to move. I moved 24 hours away from my home...seriously. I still moved back to where I was happy, feeling in love is temporary, relationship satisfaction relies on so much more.

Have some self respect and not allow yourself to be their toy.
 
Yeah I would move back in a heart beat but I don't want to go back to michigan my husband soon to be ex husband lives there plus I want to start a new life for me and my son ... I'm willing to do anything to fix your problems we have and if it takes us not talking or fighting till we all can sit down and talk to one ech other without yelling or getting mad about what is Said then I guess that's why I have I have to do.. We both have children involved in our relationship and I not going to put their kids threw the heartache again that they just went thru before I came along
 
You know it is not your job to fix their marriage or make them better parents. You only have a responsibility to yourself and your child, put him first in all this, he needs stability, give yourself some options, you are not at the whim of this couple.
 
I'm having a challenging time giving you feedback because you do not clearly list the "mistake" you think you made. You also do not clearly state the result you hope for.

Could you be willing to clarify what the mistake you think you made even is?

I made a mistake when I _______?

I don't know if my impressions help or not... and I could be wrong. But how it looks right now?

I love them and their kids dearly.

Ok. You know your own self.



They love me and my son dearly.
  • When they fight they push me away. (How is pushing you away loving behavior?)
  • When they both ignore me.... I just wish things could get better for us. (How is ignoring you loving behavior?)

I think you guys could learn to do better conflict resolution and learn to "fight fair." Because pushing you away/ignoring you isn't esp kind when they are the only people you know here. You moved a great distance away from your previous community of friends and family.

If ALL of you are not willing to fix this way of going, you could consider leaving again. Your willingness alone won't carry a 3 people thing. Your 100% effort is only 1/3 of what a 3 people thing needs to run well.

  • Could not put son through watching Mom be a doormat or burn herself out trying to make a thing that won't run, run.
  • Could not put son through watching this and learning that "push people away/ignore them" is the way to treat his own partner(s) in future or that is ok for HIM to be treated like this by partner(s)
  • Watching Mom LEAVE an unhealthy thing could be a better lesson for son to observe. Even if it is a drag to move again.

You don't have to go to Michigan, or if you do, you don't have to live in the same town as your STBX. Or you could live in the same town and not in his neighborhood.

"Build a better life for me and son" can happen anywhere.

It isn't like "Building a better life for me and son can only happen in this relationship where I get pushed away/ignored."

I wish things were better for you -- but I hope you can solve this so you can be healthier one way or another.

Galagirl
 
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The mistake i think I made was getting in this relationship with this married couple. I would love for this relationship to work out. But I guess tonight we all are going to sit down and talk but I don't know how well that is going to work.... I'm very new at the whole polyamory relationship and how to deal with 2 people other then mine it's hard and some what stressful but I think I love poly relations
 
When you sit down with them be specific about what you need. Don't let them walk all over you, and for gods sake forget that "just the girlfriend" crap. Yes, they're married, but you're a human being with your own needs and desires and deserve to be treated as such.
 
How can I sit there and tell my. Gf how I feel without her getting upset or mad about what I want to say and how can she sit down and tell me how she feels without me. Getting upset or mad and same goes for her husband ... I'm very knew at the whole poly situation and If I understand correctly there shouldn't be any jealous in a poly relationship
 
As for how to communicate, use "I" statements and talk about the specifics of what you do want rather than making vague statements about what you don't want.

Don't say "When you do x you make me feel y". Instead say "I felt y when x happened". The first blames them for making you feel something, the second just tells them how you feel about it but doesn't blame them for it. It's a fine distinction, but it can stop them becoming defensive and shutting down.

Ask for what you need and/or want and make sure they do the same. You all need to remember, though, that asking for something doesn't oblige the other person to agree. That goes as much for them asking things of you as it does for you asking things of them. If your wants are fundamentally incompatible then you need to decide for yourself if the positives outweigh the negatives and what you're going to do about it. Being "just the girlfriend" doesn't mean you have to be a doormat.
 
I know that I shouldn't be a doormat... Please give me advice about polyamory?????? I. Would appreciate it a lot if u would I'm going to thank you in advance
 
See, this is a perfect example of needing to be specific about what you want. "Advice about polyamory" covers a hell of a lot of ground and I could point you in the direction of dozens of books and hundreds of threads containing advice about polyamory without giving you anything relevant to your actual problem.

What, exactly, is it you want advice about?
 
Anything and everything u would like to tell me
 
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