Having kids?? or.. To be or not to be?

Nadya,

It's good to hear you're finding support and working out everyone's needs and thoughts. I'm just a few weeks away from meeting the newest person we decided to bring into the world, despite our family (& age) situation varying from lifelong/default expectations and ideals. I'm so glad we figured out that we wanted this and set out to do it.

BTW "lulewa" was supposed to be "lukewarm" in my earlier reply. I guess the idea got across, but I didn't mean to make anyone Google gibberish.

Good luck with your treatment and heal up and be well!
 
Chapter # 3

I am back here again… this subject of having kids seems to haunt me :) I guess this time I just need to vent. That being said, I welcome all comments!

A year has passed since my last posts on this thread, and I am not getting any younger. The medical treatments are done, I am in good health now, and I should still be fertile. I decided to give it a try, and we are officially trying to conceive now. Without any luck so far.

What has changed hugely is my inner world. Now I do feel the urge to procreate and have all the warm fuzzies about both a pregnancy and the thought of having a child - but, here is the twist: I want to have a baby with my new boyfriend Jeremy and not with CJ! As a timeline: we had started TTC with CJ before Jeremy entered the picture.

This urge to have Jeremy’s baby is very strong and has been since the very beginning of our relationship. First I thought that it is all about NRE - and yes, it very well might be that. However, I do think that Jeremy would be a great dad. He also would want to be a dad, and would really like to co-parent with me. I have known him for quite a while before our romantic connection started and I’ve seen him around kids, so there is some basis to my belief of his parenting skills.

Then there is the fact that me and CJ have been trying to conceive for a while now, and nothing is happening. I have reasons to believe that Jeremy might be more fertile than CJ - at least he is younger, considerably so. I guess there is the infamous biological clock ticking for me, too, and I think getting pregnant would be more likely with Jeremy.

So far I have been sticking to the plan of trying to have a baby with CJ. He does want a child with me. Considering the situation as a whole I think it would be best if CJ is the bio dad. I live with him and thus the baby would be living with him, too. CJ has said that he does not want to have any other child around him but his own biological one - and it really is okay to want that. In addition, CJ does not really like Jeremy and definitely would not want to raise Jeremy’s child.

This all makes me feel sad. I am having these rose-colored day dreams about a baby (well, in my dreams I see a lovely little toddler, maybe a 2-year-old) and about co-parenting with Jeremy and then the reality hits me. My nice little poly bubble would burst if I followed this urge, and the one to suffer most would be the child itself. I just need to remember the reality and not do anything stupid.

But, at least now I know an answer to the original question :D Yep, the biological urge can be very strong and until one experiences it there is no way to understand.
 
Hi Nadya,

Always good to hear from you and I am excited about your new plans to have a child. Would working with a fertility clinic be an option?

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
What is CJs age? What is Jeremy's age? How long have you been ttc with CJ? It is normal to take up to a year. Could you have a baby with each guy? If CJ won't raise Jeremy's child, could you move in with Jeremy? Etc.
 
We have been ttc less than a year, and I know it is normal to take up to one year (or even more). So right now we are not considering fertility clinic - and probably not at all. I do not like the idea, at least not now.

I would really like to have one child with each of them, but it might be too optimistic thinking. I might simply not have time to have more than one (if even that). Thus the big question is who is going to father the first child that might well be the only one. CJ is 49 years old and Jeremy is 33.

I am not willing to move in with Jeremy. That is mainly because I have the home of my dreams that I co-own with CJ and Mark; some land, lots of projects, growing our own food etc etc. Jeremy lives in a small apartment - I would just suffocate slowly by living there. Also, moving out of here would mean moving apart from Mark which I am definitely not willing to do.

Every time I consider this, I find myself valuing more the balance of my home life than the possibility of having Jeremy's child - if I need to choose between these two. Of course I'd love to have it all and everyone be happy. As it is so often in life we can't necessarily get it all.

Even if I'd get a baby with Jeremy, we would most likely still live separately and the kid would have two homes. That scenario is very appealing to me - just if CJ can agree and also be happy.
 
3 men whose sperm could attack your ova and you don't know what to do! It's ironic, huh?

It's really too bad CJ doesn't like Jeremy. That could add a lot of awkwardness to things if you had his child.

If you plan to breastfeed (as every mother should), it would make it difficult to leave the baby at Jeremy's when you go to spend time with your nesting partners. I'm a lactation specialist and I've spent time counseling women through this problem due to a divorce. The breastfeeding creates a strong bond, and some toddlers have big issues with separation too.

On the other hand, CJ might fall in love with your baby, and some of this may become a non-issue. Babies are so stinkin' cute. And we all know people who swore they hated cats until they had one... This could happen with your baby for CJ and the fact that it doesn't carry his DNA might seem less important.
 
Cj liking the baby more once it's here is a high possibility. If it happened.

My little one is just over a month old now, and I swear she gets a greeting before I do when boy comes over. Although he has been comfortable with it from the get-go, he definitely loves the baby more than he expected considering he isn't related. He's had partners with kids before and never really cared about them one way or another, but being around for the pregnancy and infancy definitely fostered a bond.
 
I hate to be the negative voice here, but it could go differently like in our case. My boyfriend was as sure as my husband and I that he wanted kids and all of us were excited and nervous to have our first one together. And then the twins were there and my boyfriend had to recognize that kids are hard to deal with for him. His character was kind of incompartible with the needs of little babies and things are getting better right now as they grow up, but it is definitley stressful for him.

Btw he was arguing that he may not have a strong connection to the kids because he wasn't the biological father. Right now he is convinced that it would not have helped him, if he were. Being around a baby tends to suck you in, in a way. No matter your connection to its siring.

Don't count on what you think you know or need in regard to children. The reality of having them could turn out differently than you now imagine. At least that is what we experienced.
 
Magdlyn said:
3 men whose sperm could attack your ova and you don't know what to do! It's ironic, huh?
Yep, talk to me about irony :D Life can be interesting.
Magdlyn said:
If you plan to breastfeed (as every mother should), it would make it difficult to leave the baby at Jeremy's when you go to spend time with your nesting partners. I'm a lactation specialist and I've spent time counseling women through this problem due to a divorce. The breastfeeding creates a strong bond, and some toddlers have big issues with separation too.
Well, I am planning to breastfeed and can't really imagine leaving the baby anywhere for any significant amount of time for the first year at least. If there ever will be any baby, the baby is with me anywhere I go - until it is more of a toddler and no longer a baby.

I hate to be the negative voice here, but it could go differently like in our case. My boyfriend was as sure as my husband and I that he wanted kids and all of us were excited and nervous to have our first one together. And then the twins were there and my boyfriend had to recognize that kids are hard to deal with for him. His character was kind of incompartible with the needs of little babies and things are getting better right now as they grow up, but it is definitley stressful for him.

Btw he was arguing that he may not have a strong connection to the kids because he wasn't the biological father. Right now he is convinced that it would not have helped him, if he were. Being around a baby tends to suck you in, in a way. No matter your connection to its siring.
This. CJ has never been good around small children and gets very uncomfortable around babies in general. I think he really can only cope with having a baby in the house if it is his biological offspring and he strongly wants it. He is dreaming about a child and knows you have to live through the first years to get to the point when communicating with the child is enjoyable for him...

Don't count on what you think you know or need in regard to children. The reality of having them could turn out differently than you now imagine. At least that is what we experienced.
Then again, it could turn out to be something totally different than I imagined. Maybe CJ will totally fall in love with a baby (especially if it is his!) and I'll have the best possible support for the first months and years.

Anyhow, I had a discussion about this matter with Jeremy. Wanted to know his thoughts about it - the last time we talked about it was in the very beginning of our relationship and it was more of a NRE induced "Oh, you'd be a great parent" - "So would you" type of a discussion. Now I have a better idea about what he wants and fears. Turns out *he too* values most the stability of my household. He wants to be a welcomed visitor in our home (as he is now) and not an enemy to anyone. He says having kids is for him a bonus in an otherwise fulfilling relationship / life situation and not a "must have one day".

See, I had been a bit worried about him reducing the possibilities of finding a nesting partner of his own by staying in a relationship with me. Looks like this was a totally unnecessary worry.

Thank you all for your responses! I'll now have more food for thought and the next conversation about this issue with CJ will hopefully have a positive outcome - whatever that may be :)
 
Yep, talk to me about irony :D Life can be interesting.
Well, I am planning to breastfeed and can't really imagine leaving the baby anywhere for any significant amount of time for the first year at least.

Great! Breastfeeding is every child's birthright.

If there ever will be any baby, the baby is with me anywhere I go - until it is more of a toddler and no longer a baby.

Your experience may differ, but just a week ago, the little boy I have sat for since before he was 2, who is now 3, has gone through an extreme separation anxiety phase. I showed up to babysit so the parents could go out to dinner. The mom told me the boy won't even go anywhere with his dad. He had to have Mom. So, the kid pitched a fit when she tried to leave. However, I have been through this with other toddlers, and I knew if the mom would just go, the kid would get over it in 5 or 10 minutes and we'd have a great time. This particular mother, though, is very tender hearted, and after 45 minutes of holding the boy and trying to rationalise with him (ha!) she gave up, paid me for the full time, and just took him out with her and her husband. (The husband had left a half hour ago, since they had a reservation for their anniversary dinner. He was pissed.)


Maybe CJ will totally fall in love with a baby (especially if it is his!) and I'll have the best possible support for the first months and years.

Anyhow, I had a discussion about this matter with Jeremy. Wanted to know his thoughts about it - the last time we talked about it was in the very beginning of our relationship and it was more of a NRE induced "Oh, you'd be a great parent" - "So would you" type of a discussion. Now I have a better idea about what he wants and fears. Turns out *he too* values most the stability of my household. He wants to be a welcomed visitor in our home (as he is now) and not an enemy to anyone. He says having kids is for him a bonus in an otherwise fulfilling relationship / life situation and not a "must have one day".

See, I had been a bit worried about him reducing the possibilities of finding a nesting partner of his own by staying in a relationship with me. Looks like this was a totally unnecessary worry.

Thank you all for your responses! I'll now have more food for thought and the next conversation about this issue with CJ will hopefully have a positive outcome - whatever that may be :)

I love how you are so carefully thinking all this through, even though there are circumstances and emotions no one can predict.
 
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