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  #41  
Old 07-15-2018, 06:16 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default Fun boating, but not an easy crush

After maybe 3 months of my relentless requests that I want to go to the sea and do some boating with Morpheus in his boat, he finally got his boat to the water. I was so keen to join him that a flu drove me a bit mad. I was really frustrated! However, I only missed one opportunity to join him because of the flu, and just yesterday I managed to invite myself to a 3h driving around the archipelago here. What comes to motor boating, it was a blast. It's unusually hot here, so driving fast on the sea was a really welcomed cooling experience. Also, I badly needed to get out of the house. TeenKid is visiting us, and Kay is on vacation. Being 24h with two other people was really killing me. So, the boat trip was already a success in this sense. And in the sense that I absolutely love being at sea, at any capacity really. Sailing would be my most favorite activity at sea, but that is not available right now, so I take anything I get.

In addition, I got to spend some time with Morpheus. Surely much of the time the engine was too loud (the boat is really small and the engine really loud) to have any real conversations. Still, it took some time to get there, fill the gas tank and such, so we got to talk a bit. I don't know why his bad humour works for me, but it does. Probably because I like him so much. He told a dirty joke just when I was sipping my water, and of course I inhaled some of the water and almost suffocated. Yeah. So it was mostly fun, except to the suffocating part.

After we left the boat, it took ages to get back because of an accident in the public traffic. It became harder and harder not to touch him. I tend to think I'm somewhat good at reading people and their body language, and I definitely got the impression that he was not into me at all. Sure, he likes me as a friend, but I got the feeling I was friendzoned pretty well there. I have claimed a few times to Morpheus that I am able to behave, if needed, but I really had to make an effort this time to be cool-ish.

So afterwards I have been trying to get rid of these fantasies. It's not going well. My motivation to let go of my own hopes is really low, and I don't even know what to do. I'm not too interested in creating distractions, and I was even a bit reluctant when one was offered me (a family friend from abroad visited). What is equally alarming is that I'm easily able to explain away any elements not conforming to my fantasies. Like, if I experienced he's not into me, I can explain it away by thinking that he just lack courage to show his interest. And so on, and so forth. I guess a proper talk would help me to let these hopes go, but Morpheus is not that easy to communicate with. He also thinks polyamory is somehow difficult and not at all suitable for him. In addition, I like these 'benefits' of our friendship too much - I get to go boating, for heaven's sake! I don't want to rock the boat. Ha!

This crush is more severe I realized before. And it's getting worse. So this is not easy at all, although I've tried to invite some easiness into my life. Now it seems I'm going to break my heart, more or less, and I have no idea how to prevent that from happening. Taking distance won't work, it just makes me sad. Currently, I try to simulate a friend, and when that becomes too difficult, I just go along with my feelings and text him. It seems I text him every day now. I try to avoid it, but it requires some effort, so it's easier to just text him and watch his responses to become shorter and more indifferent. Then I give up and start to hope a new opportunity while my fantasies weave all kinds of situations (I mean sex).

PS I really miss fucking.
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Aquamarine: 40, genderqueer & genderfluid, pan, poly
Kay: 48, female, queer, poly, my wife for 5y, been together 7y
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  #42  
Old 07-17-2018, 04:36 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default Now I got it

I finally realized the thing with Morpheus is that he is interested only if he's really drunk, like wasted. When sober, I'm properly friendzoned. I told Kay about my observation and she said she had known, but didn't want to rub it onto my face.

So I have been pretty pissed off lately. I managed to cry out some of the sadness, which is good. I'm quite disappointed to the situation, but maybe this observation helps me to let my hopes go.

At the same time, my flu got worse and I'm SO frustrated. I can't do anything, the weather is unusually hot. I'm physically uncomfortable and mentally really tense.

Oh, I have forgot to mention Kay's thing/relationship/whatever with her latest date kind of ended, because the other lady is not currently capable or willing or whatever. My point is Kay was really falling for her, and now she is basically heart-broken. So I try to help, support and comfort her, but I don't know how I'm doing because my thoughts are constantly about Morpheus.
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Aquamarine: 40, genderqueer & genderfluid, pan, poly
Kay: 48, female, queer, poly, my wife for 5y, been together 7y
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  #43  
Old 08-04-2018, 09:54 AM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default Unhealthy attraction?

I'm still attracted to Morpheus. This has felt asthonishing, as I wrote before that I probably am afraid of trusting men because of my past. Yet, Morpheus has been trustworthy, and perhaps that is why I'm so into him. I however just read a text describing how longing for a person might be triggered by our emotional needs of childhood. I wonder if this is the case for me with Morpheus. It fits that my Dad was sometimes absent in his addiction, and he was mostly unable to provide the emotional safety I would have needed. The article (not a proper article, just something written and published on the internet) suggested healthy feelings and these old, unmet needs might entangle and result in longing for a person. Or even that the unmet needs trigger e.g. adrenaline rushes which we might misrecognize as feelings of love or lust, and produce the longing for the person. I have wondered why I have this feeling that I would want and even need to be close to Morpheus. So it might be just a case of past experiences not yet handled properly. And of course this whole exercise might be just a way to distance myself from my pain with intellectual explanations...

Anyway, the problem here is that I'm almost constantly very frustrated, and I get nervous when the possibility to meet Morpheus emerges. Today is such an occation, and I couldn't sleep enough last night. I'm not sure this is the way I want to feel: anxious and afraid of the possible abandonment or rejection. Yeah, I want to be close to him, I want sex. But I can't have those things, so it would probably be healthy to let go of my hopes. I still don't know how.

I guess I would need something new to think about. I'm less burned out than before, but I try to be careful not to overdo it and fuck myself over again. So I feel I don't have the energy to for example date new ppl or such, in order to have a sex life. I try to do things I enjoy, but I can't be at the beach staring the sea at all hours.

Btw, I managed to visit my island this week. The weather was extremely hot and wasps tried to eat me. I ran around to avoid them, exhausted myself and got an awful headache. It wasn't fun, but at least I didn't think about work. I didn't manage to avoid texting to Morpheus, though.
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Aquamarine: 40, genderqueer & genderfluid, pan, poly
Kay: 48, female, queer, poly, my wife for 5y, been together 7y
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  #44  
Old 08-20-2018, 01:11 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default Hot dates! Rollercoasters!

Hot date #1: A woman sent me a message, we chatted for 3 days straight, had our first date. We ended up to her place and had enjoyable sex. I was really confused, because somehow she invited a bottom out of me, and I'm definitely NOT used to that. I'm usually quite dominant, but there I was, pulling her on top of me. Well, it was fun, although I didn't orgasm. Like I said, I was confused. The woman seems to be losing her interest already. I was totally into her, and created an instant crush on her. It's just that she is so similar to me. I feel she gets me and I get her. On the other hand, broken ppl are my specialty, and perhaps she's not ready for my overwhelming cuddling. I also feel I should discuss my gender with her (she's a lesbian), but... Well, no messages for two days, so perhaps there is no need to discuss that or anything else. The sex was a relief and a delight, tho!

Hot date #2: Out of the blue, Kay (my wife) pulled me onto her and we had some. I was really surprised, because she has been in a sort of lock-down state for a while. But I'm always horny, so I happily delivered, of course. It was wonderful as ever.

Sex rollercoaster: I would be quite satisfied with 2 times a week with another person. I have absolutely no idea how to make that happen. The first hot date almost ruined me and it took maybe 2-3 days for me to recover. I mean physically, and it's really frustrating.

Emotional/mental rollercoaster: I've been reading about being HSP (highly sensitive person), and how to get to terms with one's own sensitivity. The advice seems really useful, although I have hard time accepting I really am stuck with this phenomenon. It cannot (and need not to) be cured, and I just have to learn to live with that. It's hard to accept my capacity to deal with the world and sensory stimula is lower than the majority. There are good aspects of it, too, such as emphathy, deep feelings, detailed perception among others. For me, the key point right now is that this burn-out I've been having, is probably caused by my incompetence to deal with this feature. I push myself too hard and ignore the signals of my body. That's not healthy, so I need to learn new ways to work, and to live, basically. Learning is hard work.

Morpheus: It seems I'm finally over him. I don't obsess over him any more, and we can have friendly chats about or dates or whatever. Such a huge relief! I really hope I can keep up with this friendzone thing.
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Aquamarine: 40, genderqueer & genderfluid, pan, poly
Kay: 48, female, queer, poly, my wife for 5y, been together 7y
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  #45  
Old 09-05-2018, 04:52 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default Focusing on me

The hot date woman from my previous post: she kindly made the effort to call me and inform me that she had met someone special. Good for her!

I feel I have this phase of staring my own self all the time. I like to think that these experiences have been good for me, because they have allowed me to realize I'm actually not ready even for fwb thing. However, I have a relatively lot of activities planned. Like meeting colleagues-becoming-friends. Planning my post-doc projects. Engaging in queer and/or feminist activities, as much as my fatigue lets me.

The fatigue is fluctuating. I already have better days and I feel more energetic, which is a huge relief. I was really afraid this burn-out would be permanent... Although I realized it probably will take some time to recover. I'm just quick to judge myself. I can work a tiny bit every day. Today, I managed to work only 15min, but it's better than nothing. I try to keep up hope I'm in the process of recovery. And I try to treat myself gently and give myself time to heal without those constant requirements to perform again like 'good old times' (not so good, in fact).

I attended a course about bodily creativity, targeted to gender minorities. It was a bit scary to do something that concrete in terms of me being non-binary, but I did it anyway. In the first session, it was only me and the instructor! So it was a private class for me, what a luxury! I enjoyed it a lot, and it's really useful for me in many ways. The first session was about reflecting my own bodily movement, both solo and with the instructor.

The instructor is really cool. I realized my pattern activated, again. A person is nice, so I start to fall for them. It's like creating an instant crush. So it happened again after the first course session. However, I read this is quite common among HSPs - I have thought I have something wrong with me! Maybe I don't need so much fixing, after all. The only problem is that I don't recognize my own boundaries well enough, and I have this tendency to rush into relationships right after meeting someone nice. This time, the pattern was really obvious. I really enjoyed the time with the instructor, and after the course session, I started to have these fantasies about us - although I realized it was a work-related situation for them, and nothing to do with their personal life, and thus, there is no potential for any sexual-romantic activities based on the activities during the session, however fun and enjoyable it was for me.

So I hope that now that I'm aware of this boundary setting issue, I can deal with it, and more easily control my own behaviour. Thoughts and feelings are not wrong, but I can and need to control what I say and do. This is not actually difficult for me, because I've been raised to be very controlling over my own actions, but here, I see in a new way that this is a healthy reason to do it. Blurting it all out is not always healthy, either, but there is a balance between opening up and respecting boundaries of other people and of myself, and respecting my own privacy. I feel rather good about this situation.
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Aquamarine: 40, genderqueer & genderfluid, pan, poly
Kay: 48, female, queer, poly, my wife for 5y, been together 7y
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  #46  
Old 09-17-2018, 03:06 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default New words for my gender

My signature says non-binary. I've started to wonder if I'm also genderfluid, because my experience of my gender shifts often. It's like a triangle of man - woman - other, and my experience moves around that triangle. I don't know how to describe the 'other' part, tho, which is annoying. There are no proper words invented, especially in my native language.

Besides genderfluid, I'm considering if I want to use genderqueer instead of non-binary. Queer is something about being weird, non-conforming to norms. It seems to suit me quite well. Also, queer ppl seem to be folks I would like to identify with and hang out with if possible.

My wife took initiative for hot sex, and it was amazing! Otherwise there is nothing going on romantically. Sexually, it's mostly my own hands.

Oh, I decided to get tested on STI. The results were negative, as I expected, so yay!
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Aquamarine: 40, genderqueer & genderfluid, pan, poly
Kay: 48, female, queer, poly, my wife for 5y, been together 7y
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  #47  
Old 10-01-2018, 07:46 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default Life is pretty good

Thing are going rather well in my life. I can now work a tiny bit every day Monday-Friday. Sleeping helps me to stay healthy. I eat less, because I don't have such a strong need to eat my emotions away. I do my exercises and go for walks. My weight decreases slowly. My body gets stronger, and there is less physical pain. I'm learning how to cope with my food problems, although I can't eat foods containing fodmap. There are many exciting events, projects, things to do. Therea re many amazing people to meet.

I'm quite hopeful. Perhaps everything turns out ok! I realized today I have had this assumption that if I keep worrying and stressing, it helps me to control my life, and control means safety. Which is total bullshit. It was a relief to realize it at the emotional level, at least a little bit. I mean, I am allowed to feel good every day, several times a day! And it doesn't mean disasters wait for me around the corner. Disasters are part of life, but they don't depend on my emotions. So I might just as well feel good while I can. Wow!

Currently, there is a weird need to serve, to be useful to somebody, to fulfill somebody else's needs. However. This is me time now. All the time! My whole life is me time! Isn't that amazing! Finally it's my turn! - A bit of activism suits well in this new image of me, as there are no kids in the house.

My dating life is very quiet. I keep daydreaming about the course instructor. I feel a bit guilty about it. I thought it would stop by itself once I realized it's my pattern. Well, my pattern is alive and kicking! I've entertained ideas about asking the instructor for a cup of coffee. I don't know. I'm not sure what I would want from them, and what I would have to offer. Sex would be of course awesome, but I'm somewhat afraid that would not work. And the thing is - it's still their working place and I want to participate in the course without awkwardness.

And yeah, I know I overthink and overanalyze everything. This is me, get over it.
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Aquamarine: 40, genderqueer & genderfluid, pan, poly
Kay: 48, female, queer, poly, my wife for 5y, been together 7y
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  #48  
Old 10-03-2018, 04:58 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Default Getting rid of shame

I had this amazing realization:

Yes, I've once again developed a crush, this time towards the oh so wonderful course instructor. The crush is my feeling. I am allowed to have feelings. My feelings are and always will be very strong, because I'm highly sensitive person. The feelings will not go away by hoping. I might just as well accept them.

If I am actually allowed to feel this crush - then, maybe I don't have to be embarrased about it! Maybe I don't have to feel this shame!

I have this shame about myself and my feelings. About my overweight body, too. Despite all of it, I have the right to feel my feelings, and there is no need to be ashamed. I don't have to live from a place of fear.

Without the shame, I am suddenly able to just enjoy myself. I'm hopeful that this revelation will ease my life up. Dragging shame and fear everywhere with me has been very tiring. Maybe it's time to give them up.

Maybe I just try it again: to be myself! In the past, me being me has been too much for some people, and they have left. So what? There is an abundance of people. And I have this hunch saying that I can now keep my boundaries way better than all those years ago, so me being me might be fun for everybody, after all.
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Aquamarine: 40, genderqueer & genderfluid, pan, poly
Kay: 48, female, queer, poly, my wife for 5y, been together 7y
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  #49  
Old 10-10-2018, 08:54 PM
Aquamarine Aquamarine is offline
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Posts: 55
Default Not mutual, again

During the creativity course on the other night, I was first time able to put aside my own insecurities and need to control my display of feelings, and just observe the instructor. It became clear that the crush is definitely not mutual. I could sense it in the way the instructor moved, talked and just was. I usually have pretty good instinct in these matters.

I hope this observation would help me to behave in a healthy way around the instructor, and maybe deal with my own sadness. About not getting any (romantic, sexual or friend-zoned) feelings from them. It seems to be all professional. So I'm sad about my one-sided crush pattern happening AGAIN. I'm 40, and it would be so easy to become bitter about this, the pattern repeating itself in my life over and over.

But I guess nobody owns me anything. So it's just my life right now, and maybe somebody else comes along eventually. Oh yeah, and I am also sad because I was hoping more from the instructor than just a companion/facilitator in my journey to work through my issues. However, their support is definitely important for me, and I already gave that feedback to the instructor, that the course matters for me.

Nevertheless, I'm so happy my energy levels are rising! I can work! I can meet people! I can do my walks and my exercises and cook and everything! I'm full of hope today, and to some extent, I trust there will be amazing people and good sex in my life later on, when I'm ready. For now, I'm very happy about my marriage with Kay.
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Aquamarine: 40, genderqueer & genderfluid, pan, poly
Kay: 48, female, queer, poly, my wife for 5y, been together 7y
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