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Old 07-14-2018, 03:42 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyCureYes View Post
As to nesting partner feeling threatened by me, I donít think that is it at all? I donít thinks she is threatened. I was just describing her behavior in hopes that one or more of you could help me identify it and help me decide from there if it is best to go forward with the plan to talk to her, or if it would be better to back off entirely.
I, obviously, can't speak for Prince's nesting partner, but perhaps I can shed some light on one possible interpretation of her behaviour by describing my own feelings/responses.

When it comes to my private life, I tend to be pretty introverted. I have a few close friends and partners and other than those few people it takes a lot of emotional effort for me to socialize with people I am not already close to. And that would certainly include new dating partners of my partners, or new friends of my partners (or new dating partners of my friends, or new friends of my friends, for that matter)

I definitely DON'T want to feel like I have to act as "hostess" if my boys bring someone home (again, dating people or friends or anyone). I may wander through and be introduced and say a word or to to the boys ("Have you fed the dog yet?"). But mostly I will be holed up somewhere else in the house doing my own thing.

This may come off as being cold and unwelcoming but - I don't want to expend the time and emotional energy that it takes to socialize with strangers only to find, weeks or months later, that they are gone. KTP is my overall preferred style (since I really don't want to leave my house!) but that is for AFTER the initial dating period is over - there is plenty of time for that after the NRE has worn off.

My best friend SLeW has the habit of giving everyone nicknames, so each new dating guy would have a handle (kind of like here ). She would share stories, etc. You know when she is getting serious when she calls them by name. The standing joke is that they remain "nickname" to me until they have been dating for "more than a minute" (i.e. at least 6 months - which is how long it took me to admit that I was "in a relationship" with my now-husband even though I'd been sleeping with him for 1/2 a year! - story in my blog.)

MrS was friends with Dude for several years before I asked to be introduced. (The other standing joke is that I am a figment of MrS's imagination - since no one ever meets me)

Now, a 30 minute conversation during your time? - unless it was something that needed to be handled right then - that's just rude. IMO.


(PS. There have been a number of threads on the subject of expected amount of contact when you are not together...I will see if I can dig some up. I'm like Kevin in this regard, I hate to txt - I have 3 responses: "yup" "nope" "K". )
JaneQ(Me): poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" V-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (25+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (7+ yrs) and MrS's BFF
SLeW: platonic hetero girlfriend and BFF
MrClean: hetero mono male, almost ex-lover-friend, ex-FWBs to SLeW, friends with MrS; live-in with Katniss
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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Old 07-14-2018, 04:47 AM
SEASONEDpolyAgain SEASONEDpolyAgain is offline
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 84

"You keep harping on the point that I brought up about my being attractive and successful. The only reason I brought that up was in the context of how THIS experience is different from my previous experiences with NRE and how it was leaving me feeling disoriented."

Again, you have been seeing a guy a few weeks. Already he spends half his time with you, has declared love, and you see each other as partners. Even by mono standards, that is a lot. This is why I think exclusivity is the issue. What is different other than the fact he also loves someone else? Would other guys propose marriage or want to move in by now?

"It is a feeling of being brought in off the bench by the coach when there are 2 mins left in the game,"

See this is a strange thing to say... why are there only 2 mins left? This sounds like you see trying to "beat" them to some post. It makes me think of what you said earlier about you seeing them as primary. Are you trying to establish your relationship with him before he takes any further steps with her? That would explain why you think "the game" is about to end and you need to start throwing up long range shots to even up the score or fouling oposing players to slow down the clock.

"and you have no idea what the rules are, or where the goals are,"

The goal is for people to have their own relationships, surely?

"or what uniform I should be wearing, or how to even properly play the game."

There isn't a set game that everyone plays

"I have no idea why you think it would be odd for someone to come into an established relationship and not have any idea what Ian happening and feel uncomfortable because they are disoriented."

You haven't "come into an established relationship", you've started one with someone in an established relationship.

"I am disoriented, and I am seeking orientation and mooring and guidance in the most sensitive and careful and respectful way that I know how, and no matter what I say, you are twisting it."

I am merely responding to what you say from the perspective of someone who has had many poly relationships and partners and metamours. I see you as a person who would love to be one way, but they are another. Neither way is bad or wrong.
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Old 07-14-2018, 05:50 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 726

I hope my first post didn't come across as overly negative regarding the possibility of a mono/poly relationship working. Of course it IS possible.

I myself am the hinge in a "V" in which my two partners are basically monogamous to me. The difference is, although Jester and Boho are not poly per se, they've both been involved in non-mono situations in the past, so this isn't completely new territory for them (it was for me however!)

Even so, it has taken the three of us almost two years for everyone to feel comfortable in our respective "roles", and for any negative feelings such as jealousy, insecurity or possessiveness to abate to a sustainable level. (In a poly situation - even a mono one - you can't expect to *never* have to face such feelings, which are natural and human.)

If you wish to pursue this relationship (for now, at least), I do think it's worthwhile trying to be on good terms with Prince's OSO - without taking on the responsibility for, or feeling guilty about HER feelings and struggles. Being "on good terms" doesn't necessitate a KTP arrangement or even becoming friends. But it's always helpful if you can maintain a general degree of courteousness while keeping the channels of communication open between you. (i.e. everyone in the polycule)

So far, I think you're going about this the right way. Don't be too disheartened if your meta seems a little standoffish at first, but on the other hand, don't allow her to treat you with blatant disrespect. Remember, you are in a relationship with *Prince*, and IF there are issues that need sorting out, then it's part of his role as "hinge" to address any unacceptable behaviour/situations with the person concerned.

As for Prince's tendency to block out your existence when you're not physically with him... it is your responsibility to address this issue with him if it bothers you greatly. Don't assume things will get better (or worse) without having the necessary discussions. Part of being in a relationship - ANY relationship, not only a poly one - is broaching the hard subjects and sorting out differences between you, preferably before a situation becomes untenable.
Me, Lunabunny: F, 50, heteroflexible
Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

Red: M, 53, straight, ex-husband
Bud: early 20s, son
Lola: early 20s, daughter
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Old 07-14-2018, 06:08 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Posts: 6,878

You all are right that this might not be for me. I know that and I am still weighing it. I guess I feel like I should try before I make a determination for sure either way, but right now it is not trending in a great direction for me personally.
Well, you could try for a while and set a time limit to make the choice.

Or you could decide now. Some things I don't have to try to know I don't like it. I don't have to try golf. I don't like other outdoor sports, I don't like being in the sun, I'm allergic to a lot of grass, trees, etc. So I am highly unlikely to get into golf and walk around in the heat in the grass.

I was just describing her behavior in hopes that one or more of you could help me identify it and help me decide from there if it is best to go forward with the plan to talk to her, or if it would be better to back off entirely.
Alright. Here's my impressions for behaviors....

Last time I saw her, she & Prince talked for like 30 minutes (while we were trying to spend time together) & she didn't make eye contact with me a single time.
So her behavior is (not respecting that it is you+ Prince date time) and his behavior is that (he's not respecting it either and reminding her of it.) Then you behavior is that (you said nothing about it at the time). Result? You felt grumpy later about it and instead of expressing, you turn it inward wondering if you even have the right to say anything. Well, you do.

I think you could let it go this time and if it happens again? You could do a new behavior of (speak up in the moment to address it) and see if you feel better. If this is supposed to be a (you + Prince) date time? And she interrupts with 10 min of stuff? Don't let it go ON to 30 min. Speak up.

Could say “I'm sorry. I'm feeling uncomfortable. I was under the impression this is (me+Prince) date time and this seems to be turning into a long conversation about (ex: domestic issues like getting pet food or whatever it was). Prince, Meta, could you please be willing to sort out these sorts of things before I come over for a date? Should we reschedule this date to give you time to sort out X now? Is this an important and urgent matter?”

And take note of Prince's behavior. If he's not maintaining personal boundaries? That's maybe a clue you don't want him for a hinge.

Take note of how they receive calm feedback. If they have a cow? Maybe you don't want to deal with people like that.

It's ok to mess up at the start -- people are getting used to the changes. But if it keeps ON stepping on your toes even after you speak up and make them aware fo something that bothers you? Let this guy go.

Prince tells me that his nesting partner is acting so off she's just adjusting because "every new partner added is like an emotional tidal wave" & he divulged that his starting to see me & our getting close & intimate so quickly has kind of rocked her
Why is he sharing this data with you like this? For what purpose?

If Prince is telling you about her having “emotional tidal waves?” He's not respecting her privacy in his rush to get to Kitchen Table poly? You are going to have to tell Prince that it is not appropriate. Meta's stuff is her stuff and she might want that private. She' snot given leave to share that. If he's running around blabbing? That's him not respecting her privacy. And you prefer he respect it. If the shoe is on the other foot and he knows things about you? That you prefer he not run around blabbing that. He's being a kinda sloppy hinge.

To be honest, I didn’t expect it to get all emotional so soon. He is big on the emotional love and attachment.
So? That is HIS stuff. If he wants to get attached fast? That's his deal. YOU can choose how soon YOU want to get attached.

I feel like I am playing a game that I don’t know the rules for, and I am doing my best to try to figure them out with minimal hurt or discomfort to those involved, including myself.
In monogamous dating when you first start to date and nobody has agreed to “go steady?” They just date people.

I get Prince has a nesting partner, but so what? In poly dating? He can have a nesting partner and... date people. YOU haven't agreed to go steady with him. So just behave like any other dating situation. Be polite, get to know each other, etc.

I hate being te cause of anyone’s discomfort ever, not just in this case.
You are not causing discomfort here. It is the situation – Prince is dating a new person. You. They practice poly, so now they have to accommodate this newness of him dating you. The "old normal" is gone, and the "new normal" is not here yet. Be ok being in a time of transition. You aren't behaving like a jerk to people. The SITUATION is just new. Presumably since they are open to more poly partners they are prepared to deal with the new changes and being in transition sometimes.

I understand you are an empath, but you have to try to stop taking responsibility for things that do not belong to you. Her adjustment belongs to her. Being an empath does not mean you having poor personal boundaries.

It is a feeling of being brought in off the bench by the coach when there are 2 mins left in the game, and you have no idea what the rules are, or where the goals are, or what uniform I should be wearing, or how to even properly play the game.
You seem to be saying that you feel anxious and uncertain? Fair enough. This is new changes to you too. Do you think think feeling "anxious and uncertain" are appropriate emotions to feel at the start of a new venture? What's so horrible about feeling that then?

Some feelings are fun to feel. Happy, excited. Some are not fun. Sad, mad, scared. Sunny days or rainy skies? Emotional weather will all pass if allowed to and given the time.

I think you could decide if you are going to keep doing this or not.

If so, I think you could do your part of the “getting to know you” job and SPEAK UP. Stop “shrinking” yourself because you think you have no rights here. If you aren't sure? ASK things like
  • What kind of relationship are you seeking, Prince? This is what I'm looking for in a relationship...
  • What open model do you practice? I am up for ___. I am not up for ____.
  • What are expectations of me? What can I expect of you?
  • Do you have any agreements with other partners that could affect me?

Get ON with the business of dating him if you are going to date him and try to relax.

If he goes "No, you don't have the right to ask stuff and get to know me and my situation?" Remember you can respond with "Ok. Fair enough. We cannot date any more then. This is not the situation for me."

Don't be so timid. You are allowed to take up the space you do in the world. You aren't being a jerk in asking questions about the things that concern you. That is sorting out if this is going to be a runner or not. That's what happens in dating -- you get to know people and figure out if they are compatible or not.

I expressed my preference that he & I build a more solid foundation before I have to watch him being affectionate with her and try to integrate that part of things.
I have no real desire for KTP, but I'd like us to be mutually respectful & maybe someday actual friends.
You seem to articulate you preferences just fine. Could stick with your preferences. Be polite if you bump into your meta, but don't hang out lots with her right now. Be respectful and work on being friends at a later date. You don't have to have everything solved this MINUTE. You just started dating the guy a month ago.

I invited her out for dinner in a few weeks...
And this behavior is you not respecting your own preferences above. You are not waiting til later to develop a relationship with her. When you ignore your own preferences -- do you feel solid or do you feel discombobulated? I think discombobulated. There's enough new things to adjust to without you rocking your own boat and adding extra load.

If you are going to keep it, make it shorter. 15-20 min Coffee rather than an hour dinner. And let her know that you look forward to getting to know her later on, but right now your preference is to get to know Prince first because you can only do one new thing at a time. In the meanwhile, you would like to be friendly and polite when you bump into her with the hopes of later seeing if you can become better friends.

so I'm wondering, is asking for a quick text once a day just as a check-in/"I'm thinking of you" kind of thing... is that "too mono"?*
You got a quick text that day. You sent him a text flirt thing. He texted thanks with a smiley back. Is it that you want HIM to initiate? If so, You have to learn to ask for what you actually are seeking.


Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-14-2018 at 06:38 AM.
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Old 07-14-2018, 02:40 PM
KC43 KC43 is online now
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Originally Posted by PolyCureYes View Post
First off, so much of what I read about a mono/poly match is pretty hopeless. Which makes me feel sad, because this guy is everything I've ever looked for in a partner-- he's attractive, smart, highly emotionally intelligent, very comfortable talking about feelings/emotions, etc.-- and, of course, he had to be poly, which is a tough mental adjustment for me, because (not to brag), but I am quite attractive and intelligent and successful, and I'm accustomed to men clamoring for my attention (I swear that's not a brag, it just feels somewhat relevant to my mindset). I don't feel particularly jealous, I just don't entirely understand it (which, from what I've read on these forums, tends to be par for the course for monos).
First, while I see that you're saying you don't mean to brag, and you consider your looks, success, etc. to be relevant to the situation here, I can understand why some people responding are focusing on this. Even if you didn't *intend* it as bragging, it does come across that way, as if you're saying you're superior in some way. Again, I believe that is *not* what you meant, but I think it is what some here are seeing when they read that bit.

As for whether a mono-poly relationship can work... It definitely can. We have at least one poster on this forum who is monoamorous and is in a successful, long-term relationship with someone who's poly. In my case, I've been doing poly for about five years now, and my husband is mono, and if anything our marriage is better than it was before I started seeing other people. On the other hand, my husband seems to think more like a poly person at times; he doesn't experience jealousy, from what he says, and he's excellent at compersion (being happy for someone else's happiness even if you aren't the cause of it).

1) Prince basically splits his time 50/50 between the nesting partner & I at present. I've met her twice, & the energy I get from her is tense/weird (she is also poly), like she's nervous/uncomfortable, which makes me feel very uncomfortable. Last time I saw her, she & Prince talked for like 30 minutes (while we were trying to spend time together) & she didn't make eye contact with me a single time. In Prince's ideal world, he'd get to spend time with both of us at the same time, but I am not crazy about that idea. For one, being around them feels like I'm a third wheel-- they have 6 years of shared memories/experiences/inside jokes, and I'm very new (to the relationship and to poly), & I just feel out of place. I expressed that to Prince, & he was understanding & backed off of that & kind of backpedaled on saying that that was his "ideal" and regardless, he just wants happy partners. But I am feeling disconcerted that I'm already not meeting his ideal-- like I'm already being the squeaky wheel because I expressed my preference that he & I build a more solid foundation before I have to watch him being affectionate with her and try to integrate that part of things. However, I'd like to try to get to know her better, since she is clearly important to Prince, & I'm hoping maybe then the nervous/anxious energy will dissipate somewhat. I have no real desire for KTP, but I'd like us to be mutually respectful & maybe someday actual friends. I invited her out for dinner in a few weeks (our schedules didn't line up until then), just she & I, but now I'm wondering if I haven't yet "earned the right" to even sit down and talk to her about what her comfort levels are on things and to try to show her that I'm not a threat, you know? I'm very empathetic & I hate to see anyone uncomfortable because of me. So, is this too forward of me? Am I trying to wedge in where I don't belong yet? I want to take care not to screw this up, but I have no idea how to handle it all & I have no one to talk to in real life about it. (I've talked to Prince a bit, but I am wary of making him the intermediary between us, & I don't think she'd answer me honestly/directly quite yet if I asked her about her honest take on things.)
I see that you're trying to form a positive relationship with your metamour. That's an admirable thing, in my opinion, but it isn't a requirement in poly, and may not be what your metamour wants. If she has struggled previously when Prince has a new partner, she might be more comfortable with a more parallel poly model, in which Prince has you and has her, and whoever else, and she knows what's going on and maybe he talks to her about his other partners, but she doesn't have to interact with them. That's certainly a valid poly relationship model; it isn't everyone's preference, but in my opinion, in poly, no one should be pushed to accept a relationship model in which they're uncomfortable and unhappy. If they *want* to try to accept it, e.g. if someone who prefers parallel *wants* to try to work with KTP, that's cool, but it shouldn't be forced on them.

That means that even if it is Prince's ideal, neither you nor his nesting partner is obligated to *meet* that ideal. Each of you needs to take care of yourself, and part of that is recognizing and honoring what you're comfortable with and able to accept.

In my opinion, there are two people who hold some responsibility in dealing with the nesting partner's discomfort, and you are not one of them. It's up to her to work with and work through how she feels about the situation, and it's up to Prince to support her if she wants his support. Like I said, it's admirable that you want to help, but if she's this uncomfortable, your help might be unwanted at this point.

I will say, speaking only for myself here, that if a metamour were to contact me independently of our shared partner and try to get me to meet up with her to form some kind of connection, that would make me even *less* comfortable, and I would be unlikely to agree to meet her under any circumstances. My personal preference is parallel poly; if I happen to be at an event or something one of my metamours is also attending, I'm friendly to them, but I don't choose to interact with them and don't want to have direct communication with most of them. I'm not dating them; my partner is. Again, that is only my take on it for myself; I'm offering it as another way of looking at things, not saying that's how Prince's partner feels.

2) Prince tells me that his nesting partner is acting so off she's just adjusting because "every new partner added is like an emotional tidal wave" & he divulged that his starting to see me & our getting close & intimate so quickly has kind of rocked her... I can empathize with that & honestly it makes me very sad for her (and for him) & it makes me feel like the only way I can "fix" it now is to walk away and leave them to how they were before. (They don't have veto power over each other's relationships.) However, Prince seems extremely opposed to me doing that & has been very vulnerable with me about how it would crush him if I walked away before really giving this a chance. He reiterated that this is something they do for each other (adjust, roll with the punches, etc.) because of this style of relationship, & they'll be fine again soon. But I am struggling to get past the guilt of affecting their relationship. Somewhat illogically, I now realize, I somehow believed that because they've been together for 6 years & poly the whole time with each having had several partners since then, that me seeing Prince would not be a big deal. But apparently it is, & it's affecting her, so it's affecting Prince, and I'm struggling with all of that and fighting the urge to run away. How do I make peace with this? Or do I not? Or should I just walk away?
I think it was unnecessary of Prince to share that information with you, because it has made you feel even less comfortable and less secure in the relationship. I also have to wonder whether his partner knows he told you this, and if so whether she consented to have him share it.

Again, there are two people responsible for dealing with Prince's partner's discomfort, and you are not one of them. Some would say Prince isn't responsible either; I personally believe that while no one is responsible for another person's emotions or actions, a partner does bear at least a little responsibility for *supporting* their partner in difficult times, assuming the other person wants that support.

If you choose to end the relationship with Prince, do it because you don't feel that it's a positive situation for *you*, not because his partner's having issues.

The site has informed me that my response was too long, so I'm breaking the rest out into a second comment.
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Old 07-14-2018, 02:40 PM
KC43 KC43 is online now
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3) I'm struggling with how to ask for everything I need because I am new & I feel I haven't "earned the right" to ask for anything yet. For example, I'm a big communicator (clearly, as you can see, by the length of my post). He's a PHENOMENAL communicator when we're together in person, but when we're not together (half of the week or more most times just because of the way our schedules line up), it's like I don't exist to him. I will write him a quick text to let him know I'm thinking about him, maybe once a day-- usually something romantic/sexy/flirty, which he tells me he absolutely loves that I do-- and if he responds at all, it's like a "thanks" & a smiley. He doesn't really play back, and it feels perfunctory. I hate that, for half of the week, it's like I barely even occur to him, & that part makes me feel very insecure. But then I've read on other poly websites that I shouldn't "ask for things that would be normal in a mono relationship but not in a poly one"... so I'm wondering, is asking for a quick text once a day just as a check-in/"I'm thinking of you" kind of thing... is that "too mono"?
You're a human being. You have the right to ask to have your needs met. If you were in a mono relationship, would you be wondering whether you've been in it long enough to state your needs? If not, why would you wonder it in a poly relationship? There is no difference as far as something like this. And if your needs aren't being met, and your partner refuses to meet them, you have the right to end the relationship.

Whether something is okay in any given relationship, poly or mono, is ultimately up to the people involved in that relationship. Personally, I think the "too mono" thing is BS. It wouldn't work for some poly people, but that doesn't mean it's "too mono" or wrong. It just means it wouldn't work for some poly people.

About a month and a half ago, I ended a 9-month-long relationship because my need for communication and contact did not match his willingness to provide those things. I only wanted to text with him 2-3 times a week, which he agreed to, but when I texted him he often wouldn't answer until a day or two later. That doesn't mean he was doing anything wrong, nor does it mean I was wrong to want that amount of communication. It just meant that we were not compatible in that way, and since having contact with a partner at least a few times a week is extremely important--and to some extent necessary--for me in a relationship, the relationship was not viable.

Personally, speaking only for me, a "Thanks" and smiley would be sufficient, especially if I was receiving it every day within a short amount of time from when I texted. You want to have daily contact with him, and you're getting it, so technically that need *is* being met. But it looks like you prefer a longer conversation, with perhaps some flirting or sexting involved. If you haven't told Prince that that's your need, I would suggest having that discussion with him. If you have told him that's your need, and he isn't meeting it, you need to decide whether you're willing to accept what he is giving you, or if it's a deal-breaker for you.

4) I am already struggling with the shared attention a bit, I think. It's not so much jealousy as... I am not sure, maybe hurt pride?... again, I swear I'm not trying to brag, but I'm used to guys falling all over themselves to get my attention, & the fact that he isn't feels very frustrating to me. (He is very attentive when we are together, though.) I left a bad marriage with a promise to myself that I'd never allow myself to feel uncherished & unvalued ever again, but here I am, with someone who is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING & PHENOMENAL in person, but when we're not together, it's just... nonexistent. I have other interests to fill up my time-- for one, I have 50/50 custody of my young kids, I have friends and the gym and lots of interests... it's just that I was thinking the NRE would be more intense and all-consuming, & it kind of feels like a letdown (& I am sure I sound like a brat about it in this post). But I think my bigger fear is that it'll be downhill from here, so if I'm not feeling like my attention needs are being met NOW, when everything is supposed to be new and shiny and delirious, what happens in a few months, when things are settled? This is more rhetorical, I'm just kind of thinking out loud.
Different people have different needs for contact and attention. It sounds like you need more than might be reasonable to expect from someone who has more than one partner. As for "falling all over himself," not everyone does that even if they are interested. If you need to have a man essentially chasing you, and feel undervalued and unwanted if he doesn't "prove" you matter by "falling all over himself" to get your attention, then you and Prince are probably not compatible.

That said, I would offer the possibility that you need to do some work within yourself to determine the reasons for your need for that level of attention and "falling over themselves" from men, and possibly to let go of it. If that's your standard, you might find that the men who meet it aren't the men you want to be involved with. In my *personal* experience, men who are willing to act that way to get a woman's attention are often men who have a difficult time getting women's attention to begin with, and there's usually a reason women tend to steer clear of them.

Anyway. I am trying pretty hard here & this is a lot of adjustment for me. I've always been a serial monogamist & rarely single, but after my divorce, I wanted to just work on myself and not do the entanglement thing, which is one of the reasons seeing Prince appealed to me. But now my emotions are deepening much more quickly than I'd bargained for, & we've already fallen for each other very quickly (we're already saying that we love each other) because we're INCREDIBLY compatible in every way. But the niggling doubts about what it is I want/need in a relationship, plus how my very existence puts a strain on his relationships, plus the fact that I already don't feel as valued/cherished/desired as I'm accustomed to feeling in a new relationship... I think I would have already left if he hadn't been SO vulnerable & said SUCH deep/passionate/loving things & spoken about his potential heartbreak if I were to decide preemptively that I didn't even want to try at this. So, I'm trying. But this is tough, & I'm wondering if it's worth it. It seems like a lot of emotional stress already, & this is supposed to be the "fun" part of a relationship. (I know no one can answer these questions for me, I'm just thinking out loud.)

I'm crazy about him. Like, totally head over heels with him. But goddamn, why did the person I've been looking for all my life have to be poly and come with so many complications and additional considerations?
I would put forth the possibility that, coming on the heels of what sounds like a rough divorce, you are putting too much weight on the relationship with Prince. It appears to me that on some level, probably not a conscious one, you are looking to a new relationship to prove to you that despite your divorce, you're still valuable, still attractive, still worthy of love, etc.

You say you and Prince are "INCREDIBLY compatible," yet the rest of your post shows a number of ways in which you are not compatible at all. And NONE of those incompatibilities has anything to do with whether you're desirable, valued, or anything else. They're simply a matter of you and him being two different people, with two different sets of needs and expectations that don't entirely match up.

I had a seriously messy divorce a number of years ago, from a marriage that was toxic and emotionally abusive. I understand the inclination to seek validation from other people in new relationships, and again, that isn't always a conscious thing. But it does appear to be what you're doing, when you say things like the bit I've bolded in your quote.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but some of your stated expectations for a relationship aren't just unreasonable in poly; they're unreasonable in ANY relationship. YOU need to be the one making you feel valued, cherished, and wanted. It's okay to want that from a partner as well, but as I said above, it isn't anyone's responsibility to make their partner feel a certain way, and how someone feels and what they do isn't their partner's responsibility. I do believe it's a partner's responsibility to provide emotional support when asked, but not to provide the emotions themselves.

You say after your divorce, you just wanted to work on yourself. Given your emphasis on how men have always chased you, and that you apparently take validation from that, and you feel less valuable because Prince isn't doing it, I would say that working on yourself, perhaps even getting therapy if you aren't already, would be more important than attempting any relationship at this point. Learn to validate yourself before looking to others to do it.

(To others who read these responses from me: Yes, I'm preaching to myself just as much as to the OP.)
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Old 07-14-2018, 06:58 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I understand the thrill of NRE, and the heady rush and flattering feeling of being pursued. I like being pursued. I am also divorced after a rocky marriage. My ex h had been taking me for granted a long time, and there was lots of resentment. When I became free, I LOVED the attention I got on OK Cupid. It felt awesome! But I don't expect a man to get obsessed with me right off the bat. It's nice but I've found I don't even quite trust it. Some narcissists will even "love bomb" you and then treat you quite horribly after their NRE fades, for example.

NRE isn't a real indication of compatibility, it's a hormonal state, very very pleasant sometimes, and torture other times.

Maybe as an experienced poly man, your Prince has learned to be skeptical of his own NRE and is tempering it for his own feeling of self control, and balance, and for his other gf's benefit, and even for yours. It's great he's super THERE for you when you are together.

BTW, I think it's just a bit rash to have both said "I love you" after only a few weeks. That might've given you ideas about the "relationship escalator" that you shouldn't have, right off the bat.

I see you love to write. Your posts are very lengthy. You'd probably love to write at length to Prince about every day, on and off throughout the day, in the evening for an hour. But he might not really be the type to write a lot daily. OTOH, I do hate when men text a lot til they've nailed you and feel they've hooked you good, like luna went through. Then it just feels like they are taking you for granted. It can take time to work out a compromise. Or end it if they really are taking you for granted.

Even my gf and me, in our first year or two of dating, she'd text and chat, but she didn't like sexting. It used to frustrate me. But I got used to it. I'd just find another partner or even random guys on OK Cupid to sext with if I was really horny and wanted that kind of play. Eventually I got tired of sexting, except with one long term partner, who used to sext me the day before a date to sort of warm us up.

So, everyone is different. Texting is just one thing to work out.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 63), dating... again!
Pixi (poly, F, 41) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 37), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013
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Old 07-14-2018, 09:06 PM
CaptainUnderpants CaptainUnderpants is offline
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Posts: 30

Originally Posted by PolyCureYes View Post
I've always been a serial monogamist & rarely single, but after my divorce, I wanted to just work on myself and not do the entanglement thing, which is one of the reasons seeing Prince appealed to me.

But now my emotions are deepening much more quickly than I'd bargained for, & we've already fallen for each other very quickly (we're already saying that we love each other) because we're INCREDIBLY compatible in every way.

I'm crazy about him. Like, totally head over heels with him. But goddamn, why did the person I've been looking for all my life have to be poly and come with so many complications and additional considerations?
To me this seemed like the perfect point. It is funny what life throws at us. Kind of like the statement "God laughs at those who plan". I believe that relationships are put in front of us to help us learn our life lessons.

You state that you wanted to work on yourself and not do the entanglement thing.... And then you immediately do the entanglement thing. The great thing is that the universe have given you, Prince, somebody with whom you can work on yourself and that forces you to not do the entanglement thing. And the relationship is valuable enough that you may desire to learn a new style of relationship that does not allow for a mono type of "you are everything to me" mindset. Further freeing you from a codependent style of relationship and allowing you to become your own person.

This observation may make no sense to you, or it may resonate. So feel free to discard if the shoe doesn't fit. My best to you in trying to navigate this new world.
Me - M55
Wife - F55 (married 23 yrs)
Girlfriend F59 (6 yrs)
Opening up and trusting the process.

Last edited by CaptainUnderpants; 07-14-2018 at 09:09 PM.
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Old 07-16-2018, 04:07 AM
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PurpleSun PurpleSun is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: South Carolina
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You seem to be very open minded when it comes to polyamory, which is a huge and positive step to making something like this work. However, what really rocks me here is this: You're monogamous. If you truly are monogamous at your core, you're never going to be completely comfortable in a polyamorous set up. There's a reason these things usually don't work out - some things are just a deal breaker. That would be the equivalent of me going, "OMFG I met the love of my life, perfect every way, but she is monogamous and wants marriage and kids" when I am adamantly childfree and polyamorous to my core.

I would also worry about coming in and experimenting, if you will, in someone else's established polyamorous relationship. Six years is a lot of time, effort, and trust to fuck up for them, and I am glad you're being cognizant of that.

I cannot tell you what to do. All I can say is have a long talk with yourself about your "perfect" Prince, and maybe realize that his poly nature might mean he isn't so perfect for you at all.

And, as you say repeatedly, you have no trouble attracting men. It won't be the end of the world for you if this thing takes a nosedive. Good luck.
37yo Female, Lesbian, solo poly, possibly looking for one or more girlfriends, definitely looking for friends.

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metamour, mono/poly, nre

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