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  #1  
Old 07-13-2018, 05:46 AM
sweetgrass sweetgrass is offline
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Default not sure re my heart

Hi, I play music with a really sweet man who I hit it off with vibe-wise. He told me about his marriage the first night we met. He's been married since age of 20, is mid-30s now, and has only ever been with his wife (religious upbringing). They have 3 kids. She's been telling him she doesn't love him anymore for the last two years, and wants to open up the marriage and started researching polyamory. He wants to as well, but neither of them have acted on it.

I backed off for awhile, but then saw him again last week and told him (unplanned) that I was attracted. He said he's excited about the idea but not sure and is thinking about it. I'm going to see him tomorrow night at a songwriting group.

I think for me, what I'm thinking about is.. maybe what I actually want is to be his primary. I don't like the idea of him telling his wife about me, and getting permission and then us fooling around.

Am having trouble figuring out my heart, and am wondering if I am just not cut out for poly. I do feel a connection with him.
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  #2  
Old 07-13-2018, 08:35 AM
lunabunny lunabunny is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetgrass View Post
He's been married since age of 20, is mid-30s now, and has only ever been with his wife (religious upbringing). They have 3 kids. She's been telling him she doesn't love him anymore for the last two years, and wants to open up the marriage and started researching polyamory. He wants to as well, but neither of them have acted on it.
It's called poly-AMORY (amour = love) for a reason. If this man's wife doesn't love him anymore and has been honest about her lack of feelings for him, why bother to continue in the relationship and go through all the emotional processing that comes with "opening up" and additional partners? Why don't they just separate/divorce and move on to being happy alone or in other relationships.

This is a rhetorical question, of course, but I mention it here as food for thought... and potentially an important question you may wish to ask this man.


Quote:
I backed off for awhile, but then saw him again last week and told him (unplanned) that I was attracted. He said he's excited about the idea but not sure and is thinking about it.
What isn't he sure about - whether he's also attracted to YOU, or whether or not he wants to pursue something with you? Has he ever expressed attraction or feelings for you, over and above friendship?

Quote:
maybe what I actually want is to be his primary. I don't like the idea of him telling his wife about me, and getting permission and then us fooling around.
So, it sounds to me that what you REALLY want is for this man to break things off with his wife and begin an exclusive relationship with you - did I read that right?

You don't mention whether you identify as polyamorous or monogamous, yourself, sweetgrass.

While your feelings/wishes might be understandable, given his situation, it's also a dangerous mindset to foster if this guy has NO intention of leaving his wife despite her claims of no longer loving him.

Many in the poly community would label you a "cowgirl" (someone who's trying to lasso a love interest away from his primary relationship and into a mono relationship with themselves.)

How this man and his wife choose to conduct their relationship is their business to work out. Maybe he still loves her a lot, and hasn't yet accepted her changed feelings (is trying to hang onto the relationship.) Maybe she doesn't want to leave, even though she's not in love with him anymore, due to financial dependence or for the sake of the children.

I think this man needs to work out where his own head/heart is at regarding his marriage, and what he wants to do about that, BEFORE getting entangled in another relationship... especially one with someone who wants to be the primary partner, by your own admission.

Just because we're attracted to someone, doesn't mean that person or their lifestyle is a good fit for us. If you're serious about wanting a relationship with this person, tell him he needs to figure out what he wants FIRST, and that he has to sort things out with his wife BEFORE you can consider any romantic involvement.
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Jester: M, 59, straight, primary partner (LD)
Boho: F, 57, heteroflexible, primary partner (LD)

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Bud: early 20s, son
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  #3  
Old 07-13-2018, 11:47 AM
powerpuffgrl1969 powerpuffgrl1969 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetgrass View Post
I think for me, what I'm thinking about is.. maybe what I actually want is to be his primary. I don't like the idea of him telling his wife about me, and getting permission and then us fooling around.
With this attitude of wanting to be "primary," while the man in question is still married, I don't think this is the situation for you. It will end up with you accepting having to "share" this guy and you will do everything in your power to break them up because it's not going to be enough for you. Just leave it alone. It's really kind of underhanded of you.


If you haven't asked already, ascertain if divorce is in the cards at all. For all you know, this guy just may be looking for another relationship to slide into when he leaves his wife. This isn't ideal, either.
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Old 07-13-2018, 05:00 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I don't know if my opinion helps you any...

FWIW? I think you could tell him you are interested, but not like THIS. And to look you up later when he's actually free and clear to date properly. Or maybe not say anything at all until his situation is better.

You probably don't want him latching on to you as a "divorce woobie" or something. (Sorry... I cannot think of a better way to phrase that right now.)

Quote:
She's been telling him she doesn't love him anymore for the last two years, and wants to open up the marriage and started researching polyamory. He wants to as well, but neither of them have acted on it.
Why is the solution not separation and/or divorce? Because polyamory is "many loves." If she no longer loves him, why call it poly? Is she looking for a "soft exit?" Where she lines up the new person before finally divorcing him?

What relationship shape do YOU like best? If you like 1:1? There is nothing wrong with wanting monogamy. Don't do wonky poly just to gain access to this man.

And don't date near divorce/divorcing people. It is a pitfall.

Even if later on you are up for doing poly with him in a primary-secondary model? Or some other open model?

RIGHT NOW is not the right time by the sound of it.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-13-2018 at 05:08 PM.
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  #5  
Old 07-13-2018, 11:45 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hello sweetgrass,

I am thinking that this man and his wife are staying married for the sake of their kids. I don't necessarily agree with the logic, but it is a common idea, people often think that divorce is *always* bad for the kids.

It sounds like they've been talking about polyamory, but haven't actually tried it yet. They need to make it official that they're open/poly before they venture out there, before he ventures out there. So don't hook up with him just yet, wait for him to square things with his wife.

It would be weird if he told his wife about you *every time* he wanted to fool around with you. But if he's only going to tell her once, and you and he can fool around from then on, that is reasonable. He could even establish a DADT arrangement with her and then he wouldn't have to tell her about you at all. DADT isn't generally recommended by polys but everyone's different and what works for one person differs from what works for another person.

If you are thinking about having an affair with this man, I have to advise you against it. In polyamory, all of the involved parties give their consent. Make sure he has his wife's consent before he starts a relationship with you.

Anyway that's my advice.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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