A new adventure

I'm at a point in this relationship (with V) where I don't want to open up anymore....I have a LOT of walls in place for self preservation purposes. It hurts too bad, to open up completely, only to get shit on later. I have deliberatly separated myself from my emotions so I don't get hurt again. And that sucks.

Enjoy each stage as it comes and don't push yourself or let anyone else push you faster than you are ready to go. Is V or your wife pushing you to move faster, or are you beating yourself up because you aren't moving as fast as you think you should? What's wrong with spending time just enjoying V's company for a good long time, before going further?
 
Take a time out, breathe, realize that you WILL make it through, under, over or around this. Give yourself permission to feel.

Start with the little things like being happy that you were able to trade kisses with V & nothing bad happened & work your way up from there. Do it slowly, do it lovingly. Let L & V in on what's actually going on with you so they can help if possible. Take your time. They will still be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after........

Many hugs
 
Enjoy each stage as it comes and don't push yourself or let anyone else push you faster than you are ready to go. Is V or your wife pushing you to move faster, or are you beating yourself up because you aren't moving as fast as you think you should? What's wrong with spending time just enjoying V's company for a good long time, before going further?
Thats just it...No-one is pushing anyone. I feel like the relationship goes stagnant....Then, it takes a HUGE step...Then sits and simmers...then again with ANOTHER huge step, and then simmer...Uggh....I am used to constant forward movement. :(

Take a time out, breathe, realize that you WILL make it through, under, over or around this. Give yourself permission to feel.
This is a big problem for me. I'm afraid to let that happen again. I did it before a couple times....once before my wife...then with my wife, it took me a LOOONG time to let her in.....but I did let her in. It has worked out well for me to do so, but AFTER my wife, I let one other woman in....and well...if you've followed my blogs at all, you know that went poorly. So I'm a bit gun shy. I'm also afraid of letting someone get too close, for fear of how my wife will react. She has admitted that she has jealousy issues.....Unfortunatly, I don't know how to help her work through them. :( So I get frustrated....and then shut down.....and want nothing to do with anyone. It's a vicious circle. It happens almost EVERY time we go out with V.

Start with the little things like being happy that you were able to trade kisses with V & nothing bad happened & work your way up from there. Do it slowly, do it lovingly. Let L & V in on what's actually going on with you so they can help if possible. Take your time. They will still be there tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after........

Many hugs
I try to do this, but....I'm so bi-polar that it is difficult. As I have no clue what I feel from one minute to the next. One minute, I'm elated. Then next, I'm PISSED...about the same incident! Right now, I feel like such a fuck up and a retard.....Because I can't figure out WHAT I feel like from one minute to the next.

When L asks me what I "feel"....I try to avoid the question. I know it will end in an argument. Why? Because I will say something that will irritate her, then, in an attempt to try to clarify what I was saying, I contradict myself. Which makes her even more mad. (justifiably so I might add)So then....I shut down....Which makes her even MORE mad, and is totally unproductive. It happened no fewer than twice today.

I just don't know how I can keep doing it. I'm keeping V at an arms distance emotionally for now. I just don't want to get her involved in MY personal "mind issue".

Signing off for tonight....Thanks for the hugs Breathesgirl.


p.s. On a more positive note, we all had a 3-way kiss today! It was AWESOME! Kept me going through the rest of the day thinking about it. I was shutting down, and that picked me up...To see that she was into my wife also really helped.

Thanks for listening guys and girls. ;)
 
I'm keeping V at an arms distance emotionally for now. I just don't want to get her involved in MY personal "mind issue".

As this is still a new relationship, I don't see a problem with this, don't be so hard on yourself.


On a more positive note, we all had a 3-way kiss today! It was AWESOME! Kept me going through the rest of the day thinking about it. I was shutting down, and that picked me up...To see that she was into my wife also really helped.

Ahhh, warm fuzzies :D
 
Consider this. You are who you are. No one who knows you long-term will fail to see your foibles. If your "mind" is as distressing as you perceive it to be, consider seeing a counselor, just for you. If it is just your personality, and you know you don't plan on changing, don't bother hiding it. No one can wear a mask forever.
 
Sigh....Today...I feel GREAT! I am in a good mood...My wife and I are on the same page....V and I are on the same page....L and V are on the same page....Life is good.

I'm feeling more comfortable than I have in a LONG time....Like I may be able to lower some walls...and let V in closer....Still not quite sure though.

This Friday, we (V, L , and myself) are all going on a bit of a trip together. I'm an MMA fighter, and I have a fight Friday. L and V will be sitting cage side rooting for me. We are all riding to the fights together....Spending the whole evening together. So...if I get knocked out.....I still win! :D He...No worries for me!

God...I REALLY love my wife! She is so understanding of me and my feeble mind.....and she helps me through my mind issues so well....I hope V is up to it too. :/ I really worry about that....a LOT!
 
Wow...Today is a decent day. Woke up nice and early to go to work, but there isn't any work to do in the shop....sooooo.....Yeah. I get the day off w/o pay. :( I need that money! Grrrr!!!!!!!!!!
 
TL, I've said it before and I'll say it again. You need meds, man.
 
LOL Magdlyn, I can't afford to go see the doctor right now... So....when I get more $$$, I plan on going to a holistic doctor in our area. I WANT meds, but not narcotic ones. ;) I feel that narcotics are part of what causes cancer in our bodies.
 
SSRIs are not narcotics. I'm into alternative health too, dude, but it doesnt sound to me like a little St Johns Wort is gonna cure what ails you.

That's for mild depression, not wild debilitating mood swings like you suffer from. You can't see how you come across, but it pains me to read your posts day to day. I wish you'd take it more seriously.

But I dont expect you to listen to me... hell, my own ex-h couldnt see the forest for the trees either.
 
I tried St. Johns wart before. It was a no-go. It made me more depressed and worse off. I was thinking of a chinese product called "jia wei xiao yao wan". Also some Valerian root and chamomile.
 
Valerian is a narcotic.
 
Ok...Today was a GREAT DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D:D:D:D:D:D:D

L and I went to visit V at her work. V had a dinner date last night with an old friend who is also poly.

V has told us many times, that she is looking for a poly COUPLE....Not a single who is married or anything to do with a single person. She wants to date BOTH parts of a couple. Which is what L and I are doing with her....

Well, her old friend told her last night that he knew she was looking for a couple, and he was recently divorced, but his interest is still there in her. She told him that she was flattered, but that she was currently dating L and I, and it seems to be going very well. She also told him she would like to just keep their relationship as "friends" right now.

We haven't even all had any kind of sexual relations yet...No "feeling up" or "real" sex, or even "clinton sex" yet. LOL Just a few kisses here and there. LOTS of sexual tension...but nothing really "sexual" yet. We like it the way it's going right now. We are truely building a REALTIONSHIP with V. It's awesome! I think we have found our unicorn. :D
 
Not true to my knowledge. It is an herb. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Valerian_(herb) ;)

Of course it's an herb. But herbs contain active chemicals, just like pharma drugs. Did you read the rest of your wiki article? It's a sedative, tranquilizer, nervous system depressant. Maybe fine for your up days, but what about your down days? How do you regulate dosage? It's your life, your choice, TL. Personally I wouldnt risk treating bipolar disorder with herbs. But, good luck. Thread hijack over.
 
Today I feel good. V, L and I went to an MMA event where I fought. The women cheered me on....but it was not enough....I lost the fight. :( But...I got pampered like nobody's business afterward by both my sweeties. :D

We still haven't progressed to a sexual relationship with V yet. We are trying to go slow....I am a typical man though, and am so sexually charged.....I'm always talking about it I guess. :( This was mentioned in a conversation that L and V had today. So...I have to try to not talk about it so much. :( Even though I talk about it all the time, I really DO enjoy where our relationship is currently. We hug a lot, kiss a lot, and just spend TONS of time together. It's great! V mentioned that she is comfortable where our relationship is currently, and likes to feel the love. She also said that, while she would LOVE to jump in the sack, she wants to wait so we don't ruin the relationship. I think we are all falling in love with each other. :D AND.....I think this one will (hopefully) be for life, just like my marriage to my wife.
 
We still haven't progressed to a sexual relationship with V yet. We are trying to go slow....I am a typical man though, and am so sexually charged.....I'm always talking about it I guess. :( This was mentioned in a conversation that L and V had today. So...I have to try to not talk about it so much.

This sounds like me. I can, overtalk sex. I tend to blame my wife though, she has a mouth like a sailor and encourages it.

At times, especially when I am charged up, it takes a real mental effort to shut it off.

I don't know if its a man or woman thing, but it can really suck for focus hahaha
 
Ok, today...we went out again. Lots of love going around today. Little phrases that V said had L and I feeling all warm inside. Example: L and V were on the phone last night. V heard L and my kids in the background and says "Tell our kids I said hi.". :D Another example: Today, V posted on facebook that she needed to clean her house "but that can wait. Going out with my cute girlfriend today."

We are trying to become a family. It's really working so far. It really is! OMG....Cloud 8! I'm on it! (FYI, "cloud 9" is reserved for super special days) Our kids love V. L's mom is constantly asking about V and how she is doing.

We all went to the swap meet today. I hung back a couple times and just watched as L and V interacted with each other. More like sisters and lovers, than friends. :D I can't tell you how happy it makes me feel to see L and V walking side by side, and then V leans over and gives L a kiss on the cheek for no apparent reason. It was so AWESOME! If it was possibe for me to fly....at that moment, I would have been a hazard to planes in the immediate area. :p
 
ohhh....Why.....WHY???????

I f-ed things up again! :mad:

So last night, we decided to have V spend the night. It was the best night ever! until it was time to go to sleep. :( Thats when my hormones got the best of me. :( I'm an idiot and should not be left alone. If I am left alone, I will surely burn myself to the ground....simply out of stupidity.

Ok, we were all laying in bed...L and V were falling asleep.....out of sheer exhaustion. L was feeling under the weather anyway, and was pretty tired. I was tired also....but just so horny! I mean...OMG! The evening had been sooooo good! I was on cloud 9! Anyway, as we laid there, L fell asleep....V fell asleep...I started playing by myself. It shook the bed, and I reached over and started ummm...."exploring" V's body. We had some heavy petting and mutual masterbation ggoing on...Then, V decided to take things more orally.

Now, I had a feeling that L would not be ok with this going on while she was asleep....So...after a few minutes, I told V it would probably not be cool. So she says "Well then wake her up!" So I try, but no luck....So we go back to mutual masturbation, and making out....Which wasn't cool with L either. :( I should have known better....and I kept going. I allowed my hormones to get the best of me. :( :(:(

L let me know the next morning that she was upset and why. I feel like such a heel and an idiot.

L has assure me that what I've done is not unforgivable, and there is no need to call off anything....but that she was upset about it, and I should have known better. (And I really should have) She told me to just learn from it, and move forward.....But I am still feeling a bit guarded and not really wanting to allow my emotions to become a part of the equasion. I told L this, and she told me that wasn't what she wanted. She said it was something that she had to work through, but for now...it was an issue.

The issue at hand...V and I were playing...and leaving L out, by playing while she was asleep. I should have known better...and I told L....it'll never happen again. That is to say...I'm not even sure ANY kind of play will ever happen again with V. Just because I'm an idiot and overly horny and think with the wrong head. I think I just need to become a monk. :( or something else....Maybe the guy who smashes things with his head.

L DID talk to V about it today. V said she knew that L was upset, and figured it was about what V and I had done the night before. The two of them talked about it, and V and L are now on the same page....and V knows more of what the limitations are...even if I don't have the ability to stop myself, maybe SHE can. ;)
 
Ok this sounds like i am trying to control V & T's realationship.... This is not truw we have all talked and came to the understanding prior to this night that we would all play together. So yes I understand that I was in the bed, however they were so quiet as to not wake me up. I know understand it was out of respect for me and how I was feeling. However T knows that it takes more then cupping my breast to wake me. And that is all he did, so now he knows that I want to play with them and for now it is & has been for the 3 of us. In the future I will be ok with them alone when I am not feeling good or just not in the mood. But for now I am not comfortable with it do to our past.
We have talked and are all on the same page and understand that if they would have woken me I would have been fine, I just want to have the option to either join them or not. It will not always be like this I just want to bond with them and create a realationship the way we all want it. Which is the 3 of us being lovers and enjoying all of us together for now.
I love T and have great feelings for V and do not want to upset either but I need to be heard in this realationship.
I love you T and you can never f up so much that we can't fix it.
 
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