Partner mourning a fresh breakup, finding it hard to be supportive...

monogamishSF

New member
This is an update from this post I wrote last week.

We are working on rebuilding trust and strengthening our primary relationship. It will take a long time. I won't go into the details of the resolutions we came to, but we are heading in a positive direction, I'm happy to report.

For those of you without time to read my novel-long posts, here is the nutshell of our situation: my partner and I met someone we were both interested in, but it became clear this person was only into my partner. My partner wanted to date her solo, which would be a first for us. I had a really hard time. Partner got impatient, got caught up in NRE, and hooked up against our agreement. Drama ensued.

I'm posting because, now that the third party got fed up and left, I (of course) feel much safer. But (of course) my partner is hurting something fierce. And it ended because of my struggles, and her poor decision making in the face of NRE.

She's holding out for a chance to see this girl again sometime in the future, but I'm not sure when/if I'll ever be okay with it. But this person made my partner feel happier than I've ever seen her (with another partner), so this person is extra special to my partner. They have a strong, very positive, healthy connection. My partner had waited a long time to find a second person to feel that way about, so this isn't just a fling she can't have. My partner misses her ex really badly.

And I can fix that, if I agree to tolerate their relationship again. But I'm not ready yet. And the "yet," according to my partner, is leading her on to thinking she could, in the future, try dating this girl again. She's asking me to tell her straight whether to let it go, put it out of her mind, or hold onto the hope that we can heal and they will have another shot.

She knows she fucked up. She's willing to accept that this relationship is a no-go. But I feel for her, a lot. It just isn't helping how I feel for me, after getting burned.

Part of me is like... NEVAR!!! Because I can't trust her to pace her new relationship.

Part of me knows if I learn to relax, it won't be that bad, in the end.

But I don't want to do what I did last time and bend too much so she can be happy, only to find myself in a state of panic. Because then she is out having fun with someone with no baggage and coming home to a sad, weepy me, all over again.

ALSO: My partner has almost no jealousy issues around me dating/sleeping with other people. And just last night, I did. And she is happy for me. And I so, so badly want to be there with her, be able to be cool with her things too, because now I'm the dictionary definition of a hypocrite. We understand different people have different hangups, but I have to fix me so she can be happy with other people. I just don't know if I can fix me around this specific other person because things went so poorly. She is also heavily prevalent within our social scene, so I'm leaning toward working on how to handle the "next" potential secondary and writing this one off to loss. But like I said, she makes my partner feel amazing. And my partner doesn't want to see anyone but her (and me). So there is no "next" secondary in the forseeable future.



Two questions:

1. Would you give someone another chance, if they made a royal mistake during their first pass at a secondary relationship? What might that other chance look like? Do I loosen/negotiate less tight boundaries so my expectations aren't so high and I'm less likely to be let down? Or do I hold tight to the same boundaries and remove them as I feel safe, the way I hoped it would go the first time? Or do I work on trusting her the next time, but with someone new instead?

2. How do you help a partner mourn a relationship that involved agreement violations? Do you? I feel as her partner, I have a responsibility to help her through any kind of tough time. But given the circumstances, I'm having a hard time gathering any sympathy. I have empathy, but... I'm also still hurt and angry (though less every day), so they seem to be cancelling each other out.


Ideas for me guys? You're awesome!
 
Guh. What a place to be in. *hug* I will answer like it happened to me, ok? In my Universe everyone in the polyship would have these rights and responsibilities. My imaginary reply below is of me as how I think you are here and how I think you are trying to Spit it Out.

Hopefully close enough so you can maybe tweak it and make it your own?

If this really were me? I'd be out the door and NOT willing to entertain staying. But we are different people. So... only you know what you know over there.

Good luck!

HTH!
GalaGirl

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1) I love YOU. I do not love THIS.

2) Own your own baggage. Your WANT for absolution does NOT outweigh my NEED for pain-free time to process all this in.

I am upset. I find this a reasonable thing to be in this situation.

I need quiet time to get over being upset. I find this a reasonable request in this situation.

I see you want to be absolved. I wish I could do it. I cannot. You have to be squirmy right now. I am not going to put thumbscrews to you and give you extra squrim. That is not kind to do to my loved one.

But I cannot help you with the squirm part. That is the price YOU pay for having crossed a line and having hurt the loved one of yours that is ME. I suggest you lean on others. I will be leaning on others too. We cannot lean on each other on this one. We have been broken. We must mend the individuals alone before we can hope to mend the dynamic duo.

3) Stop pushing me for an answer I do not yet have.

That does not feel respectful of me. I do not know at this time and at this place if it is a soft limit or a hard limit because of the cheating start.

I can tell you damn straight is it a LIMIT right now. So leave it be. Know it is a LIMIT. I will check back on what type of limit when I know if sooner or in a month on the outside. WAIT.

4) This relationship is running in the red. I need time to cool my jets and bring it down to an orange so I can get to yellow if we ever hope to see the peace of green again. If you want to be in right relationship with me, you will give me the month of quiet space I ask for.

If you cross more lines with me, we are done. You are on 3 strikes as per our agreement for how to be together. One, you lied about the cheating. Two you cheated. Three you are pushing me here and not giving me my need for time (a month) that is peaceful and pain-free.

We are on overtime. Because I love you, and I'm deciding if I still love you enough to keep on keeping on despite this pain I endure.

5) I am willing to still entertain the idea of staying in relationship with you if I get what I need.
If you cannot give me my LIMITS and my NEED for time and space, then we need to talk about breaking up now rather than putting it off the inevitable. I love you dearly, but I'm not loving THIS. Are you playing like Jedi or like the Muppet Show?

How do you want to come out on the other side? Together in right relationship? Together as friends but not in rship? Or apart and walk away no longer friends?


6) SUMMARY:

I WANT some clear head space to process in peace. I am upset and I need time to chill.

I NEED pain free time to be able to do that well and dial down my hothead stuff and let it blow through before I can think and act with intention. Give me at least one month before we revisit this issue for discussion. I'm still gathering my dropped bag after losing all my marbles!

I have a LIMIT: that you don't see this person near me right now for 30 days. That just creates more static on this channel. Email, text, talk, but NOT around me or in a way that takes time away from me or causes me more pain. I need TIME that is pain free. When I am with you, BE PRESENT, with me. Not off in lala land with your person. Keep this person away from me.

I have a LIMIT: Do not rush me in my soul searching to decide if it is hard or soft limit on you seeing this girl while overlapping with me. If you need an answer today? If you are going to push me? I will push back and say it is HARD limit that is a dealbreaker, its been broken, and to spare myself more agony I am done with this relationship.

I love you. I do NOT love this. I want to be with you, but NOT like this. So endure change with me and we see what we see.

Thank you for listening to me. Is there anything you need to say to me? That I need to listen to? Anything that you have to share on your wants, needs, and limits? In this time? In this place?
 
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As always, thank you GalaGirl for a hard, swift reply. You rock.

We kind of have had that talk. She's not pushing me terribly hard, it was a question that came up today because we will be in a place this weekend where the individual in question will undoubtedly be.

So knowing that, she was gently (legit gently) asking if I thought this is a never-gonna-happen thing or a needs-time-to-heal-before-it-starts-again thing. I appreciate your support of my "I just don't know yet, let me not know" headspace. I'll bring that to the table next time it comes up.

When we have this talk, and I ask
Is there anything you need to say to me? That I need to listen to? Anything that you have to share on your wants, needs, and limits? In this time? In this place?

She responds with letting me know that she misses her ex, so is also hurting, and has a need to be heard, and a want to keep seeing her, but understands that can't happen now. So it becomes a cycle. She's in a place where she can't confide in the person who would normally be her first line of defense when pain arises. I see that you call it a price to pay for cheating, and I agree. I just... I feel like not helping her is, in a way, abandoning her during a time of loss. You know? And I don't want it to feel like a retaliation, or a too-bad,-that's-what-you-get response. But. That's what it is. This IS what she gets. She ran the risk of losing me, and in turn lost the OSO to the drama of it all, and now she feels loss as a result of her actions.

So when I say, is there anything you want to say to me, and she says, I'm in pain, where do we go from there? Back to step 1, where I say sorry, I'm in pain too so I can't help? Seems fair but also... mean. Just wondering I guess if anyone has found a way to push by this and still be there for a mourning partner that was a dick. But, maybe you're right and I need to put my foot down and let her feel what it's like to handle this without me, since she earned it.

Depriving her of support makes me feel like a less-than partner in her time of need, and I don't really want to alienate her even though she alienated me in her mistakes. Too forgiving, you think? BE HONEST! I'm just trying to check myself because it's so easy to stay bitter even though bitterness doesn't breed progress. UGH!!!

Thanks for the hug. :) :confused:
 
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PS Having given it more thought, being lenient here could easily expose me to more issues in the future, right? Cuz if I bend and break when she screws up, she'll think screwing up is her ticket to get her needs met. What I think is the ticket is clear, honest demonstration that she can handle a new relationship at a POLY, PARTNERED pace instead of her SINGLE pace, which she admitted was the deal. She hadn't dated anyone on her own since meeting me two years ago, and picked up where she left off in her high-speed dating habits, instead of checking herself. BAH.
 
She's not pushing me terribly hard, it was a question that came up today because we will be in a place this weekend where the individual in question will undoubtedly be.

KISS -- keep it simple silly. If you attend this function as a date, she is with YOU and she will notify the person that all she will do it say hello should their paths cross. It is a date with YOU.

Other choice -- go elsewhere for date where person is not.
Other choice -- she goes, you go elsewhere. Reschedule date some other date.

Keeping the unfortunate metas far away from each other for one month is not rocket science, here. C'mon.

So when I say, is there anything you want to say to me, and she says, I'm in pain, where do we go from there? Back to step 1, where I say sorry, I'm in pain too so I can't help? Seems fair but also... mean.

Yep. That is what you say. It is raw, open, human, HONEST. That is all. A salute to the pain you both feel is all it needs to be. A simple "Yah. It sucks here. But here we be. For now."

You are in a dark time. So what? There's been light times. Just remember broken hearts keep on beating.

Just wondering I guess if anyone has found a way to push by this and still be there for a mourning partner that was a dick. But, maybe you're right and I need to put my foot down and let her feel what it's like to handle this without me, since she earned it.

Yup. Everyone owns their own baggage on this one for now! She owns hers. You own yours. Put foot down. I'd be firm like:

You can share this stuff more deeply with other people. Pick up your own marbles. See your mother, your other friends, whatever. But dude, on THIS one? At this initial stage? Damn, I suffer too. I can't go to MY best person either. You it! Christ. I have to collect my OWN marbles that got spilled!

So LATER we can unpack baggage and sort out what no longer serves and move it forward with calmer, cooler heads. In this time of picking up spilled hot head marbles? That we have to do alone. Find the Gelfling people for our own selves. We can regroup to talk in a month with calmer heads.​

I always think of the poem in the Dark Crystal.

When single shines the triple sun
What was sundered and undone
Shall be whole, the two made one
By gelfling hand or else by none.


You BOTH need outsider input to break you out of the rut. You turned here. She can turn here or wherever else. To get the new perspective to help crack the problem.

The UrRu and the Skeksis could not come back to be the UrSkek without the help of outside friends of the Gelfling race.

I know that gets a bit trippy/kiddie (I'm a parent, I have kid methods sometimes for Big Concepts). But it's still what this is. You need outsider input. If you think it merits it -- check a pro counselor to help guide you out of this mire if you both are willing to put in the work.

Depriving her of support makes me feel like a less-than partner in her time of need, and I don't really want to alienate her even though she alienated me in her mistakes. Too forgiving, you think? BE HONEST! I'm just trying to check myself because it's so easy to stay bitter even though bitterness doesn't breed progress. UGH!!!

Be firm. WITH YOURSELF. Don't weenie out on yourself now. You have been hurt in a vulnerable place by someone who is supposed to love you and protect you. How is feeling UGH about that being a less-than partner?!

You are within your rights to be upset, and you are within your rights to ask for the intensity volume to turn down. Piling MORE of her baggage on your back? When she went thoughtless and dumped baggage on ya? C'mon.

You don't ding a porcupine and then ask the porcupine to chop off it's quills so you can ding them easier next time. You learn NOT TO DING THEM. And you can't get the porcupine to uncurl until it is ready to do so and no longer feels threatened.

OWN that the sight of her suffering bothers you. Learn to be comfortable with that. You are not sucking her sorrow like a vampire. But some things in her life will NOT be for you to solve. You do that? You hinder HER own personal growth in owning some things about herself that are not so great. SHE must own that and work through it to be a better partner to anyone -- not just you. Do you want a Jedi partner or not?

Even Luke had to face his crap in the cave in Dagobah. Yoda would NOT go in there with him.

Keep your noses clean, and move like Jedi through this swamp mess. We teach others how we want to be treated. You have opportunity to grow better conflict resolution skills here in yourself and with her. You have an opportunity here to see yourself handle yourself with grace in a tough place. You have opportunity here to call her into account for a transgression firmly but kindly. And see if she's from the Jedi Order or from the Muppet Show in how she rises up to the challenge.

THAT knowledge will save you so much grief later if she's a Muppet and you cut this rship loose, and will bring you so much peace if she's a Jedi in future conflict if you stay together.

I have sick humor... that's what I use to help me endure.

When here in this place? I chant to myself.

Grace under pressure... grace under pressure. Grace is inner harmony of the soul. Anyone else dings me I'm gonna shout "I am fucking having inner harmony of the soul here under great pressure!" I prickly! I need space! Take heed! Or I punch yo' face! See me being graceful?! I am graceful! GRRRR! I poop diamonds I'm so graceful! GRRR!"​

Thanks for the hug.

Have another. *hug*

Hang in there.

hugs
Galagirl
 
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What I think is the ticket is clear, honest demonstration that she can handle a new relationship at a POLY, PARTNERED pace instead of her SINGLE pace, which she admitted was the deal. She hadn't dated anyone on her own since meeting me two years ago, and picked up where she left off in her high-speed dating habits, instead of checking herself. BAH.

IF this is the agreed upon goal for AFTER the repairs have been done on the individuals and the dynamic duo?

I would entertain a trial "V" polyship of her dating her person along with you for a month. And still keep you guys apart from each other. You can observe if she gets all NRE woo woo and manages her ORE rights and responsibilities like a Muppet or like a Jedi.

If Muppet still? Ciao! Game over.

If Jedi? Alright. Then you can take the next baby step in thinking about repair work with your meta person so you can Change there too -- from the cheater partner you feel GRR about to a polite, cordial relationship of acquaintances who share a Sweetie.

But they cannot be RUSHING you into best buddy metamour land! That is a nice want, it is not a NEED, and you have serious limits to overcome that got foisted on you by RUSHING in the first place.

Sometimes asking for too much to fast is asking to be allowed to just be plain ol' FRESH and taking liberties!

YKWIM?

GG
 
This is an update from this post I wrote last week.

I'm posting because, now that the third party got fed up and left, I (of course) feel much safer. But (of course) my partner is hurting something fierce. And it ended because of my struggles, and her poor decision making in the face of NRE.

She's holding out for a chance to see this girl again sometime in the future, but I'm not sure when/if I'll ever be okay with it. But this person made my partner feel happier than I've ever seen her (with another partner), so this person is extra special to my partner. They have a strong, very positive, healthy connection. My partner had waited a long time to find a second person to feel that way about, so this isn't just a fling she can't have. My partner misses her ex really badly.

Two questions:

1. Would you give someone another chance, if they made a royal mistake during their first pass at a secondary relationship? What might that other chance look like? Do I loosen/negotiate less tight boundaries so my expectations aren't so high and I'm less likely to be let down? Or do I hold tight to the same boundaries and remove them as I feel safe, the way I hoped it would go the first time? Or do I work on trusting her the next time, but with someone new instead?

2. How do you help a partner mourn a relationship that involved agreement violations? Do you? I feel as her partner, I have a responsibility to help her through any kind of tough time. But given the circumstances, I'm having a hard time gathering any sympathy. I have empathy, but... I'm also still hurt and angry (though less every day), so they seem to be cancelling each other out.

First I do want to say I don't think that a relationship formed on lies or broken agreements of any kind = a positive healthy connection.

I'm a bit sad your partner is focused on a future of getting back together with this other person, only because if she is focusing on building trust again with you, and making sure your relationship is strong, her energy and attention seems to be pretty divided. I also don't think it's very kind to ask you to shoulder the burden of her unhappiness (only because of the rule breaking - I'd be OK with a partner asking for breakup support if the metamour had been irritating, or even rude to me.)

I think GalaGirl has much more uplifting advice than I would give, I haven't read through all of it yet.

#1. Would you give someone another chance, if they made a royal mistake during their first pass at a secondary relationship?

If it was the first time somebody screwed me over, and I could see they were determined to fix stuff? Probably. What I would do is ask them for what agreements they WERE willing to make. I'd probably go through Tristan Taormino's Opening up checklists, and as them what their ideal poly looked like, then decided if I could compromise or negotiate from there. Or maybe I would realize we were too far apart.

If the other party left because they were fed up that you wouldn't just suck it up and deal with the mess they made? No. Never. Not with that person. My husband could feel free to go be with them instead, but I don't hate myself enough to be the bad guy, when I didn't do anything to fuck stuff up.

2. How do you help a partner mourn a relationship that involved agreement violations? Do you?

If agreements had been broken and I was still working through it and my partner wasn't being sensitive to it - I'd say "I'm really sorry you're hurting, but the way the relationship came about hurt me, and I feel hypocritical trying to supporting you through this, because it's still a source of pain for me. I love you, but if you need a shoulder to cry on I think it would be better for both of us if you leaned on other friends for this - but I am always willing to give you a hug when you are sad.
 
It sounds like your partner is a FHB (fallible human being). She mistakes, as we all do. The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.
 
It sounds like your partner is a FHB (fallible human being). She mistakes, as we all do. The practice of forgiveness is our most important contribution to the healing of the world.

Of course she is human! I'm not sure I can tell what your point is. Are you suggesting I accept that she will make mistakes? Obviously I have, or I wouldn't be looking for ways to repair the relationship. I certainly didn't expect this new experience to be flawless for either of us, and I've made my own mistakes to exacerbate the situation. We both made mistakes, because no, we're not perfect little relationship robots.

For me, forgiveness will only come with time, so I am posting for short-term solutions in the meantime and you poly people have all kinds of fun tools for that!
 
Of course she is human! I'm not sure I can tell what your point is. Are you suggesting I accept that she will make mistakes? Obviously I have, or I wouldn't be looking for ways to repair the relationship. I certainly didn't expect this new experience to be flawless for either of us, and I've made my own mistakes to exacerbate the situation. We both made mistakes, because no, we're not perfect little relationship robots.

For me, forgiveness will only come with time, so I am posting for short-term solutions in the meantime and you poly people have all kinds of fun tools for that!

I guess my point is, yes she made a mistake, but how long do you intend on punishing her? A month, A year? It seems like you're more afraid of the connection she has for this other woman and are using that as your reason to punish her.

If you have never seen your partner this happy with another person, then why deny your partner true happiness.
 
I totally see that side, and that's what the goal is. But I'm not punishing her by being honest about how I feel. How do you feel I'm punishing her?
 
I totally see that side, and that's what the goal is. But I'm not punishing her by being honest about how I feel. How do you feel I'm punishing her?

I guess what I'm asking is "What will it look like when you are totally over this event?" And, "Why is this one particular person going to be off limits?"

That's what I mean by punishing her. There is no room for a reunification. And like you said, she won't want anyone else.

She made a mistake and now that's it for this one girl. Why?
 
1. Would you give someone another chance, if they made a royal mistake during their first pass at a secondary relationship? What might that other chance look like? Do I loosen/negotiate less tight boundaries so my expectations aren't so high and I'm less likely to be let down? Or do I hold tight to the same boundaries and remove them as I feel safe, the way I hoped it would go the first time? Or do I work on trusting her the next time, but with someone new instead?

When here did I say this was it for this one girl? I was asking other people to weigh in with advice/experiences, and I've stated several times that I'm on the fence, and not yet healed. Wondering how other people might react.

I didn't veto her, nor did I ask them to break up. The other girl grew tired of being involved in a couple that was struggling with the design of their relationship. I didn't once say "It's her or me," and I'm doing what I can to hear out my partner when she's in pain even though I am too. It's just really hard to hear her tell me how important this person was to her when I'm still hurt she broke trust.

I feel like you're responding to something else, and haven't quite digested my post, but I don't know you, so hard to say. I have read your posts, and it sounds like trust plays a different role in your relationships. But my motivation for poly isn't to have a bunch of sex or sneak around or be kept in the dark about my partner's other interests. It's to develop trusting bonds between myself and other people I care about that let us also sleep together in a safe, open way. When a person lies to me, my foundation shakes, because it becomes harder to count on them to be open and honest with me. We did not have a DADT policy, quite the opposite.
 
We understand different people have different hangups, but I have to fix me so she can be happy with other people. I just don't know if I can fix me around this specific other person because things went so poorly. She is also heavily prevalent within our social scene, so I'm leaning toward working on how to handle the "next" potential secondary and writing this one off to loss. But like I said, she makes my partner feel amazing. And my partner doesn't want to see anyone but her (and me). So there is no "next" secondary in the forseeable future.

This part kind of leans to you not letting her see her again. I could have misread it, but that's what it sounds like.
 
How would you approach the alternative?
 
I'm not saying you have to do anything now, but at least leave room for the opportunity for a possible reunification that's all. You were clearly hurt and your feelings count, but if she is thinking that one day this will be OK, when it really won't, in the end she will probably be crushed.
 
Right and that's exactly the issue I'm identifying in this post. And is the reason she's asking for an answer from me, and I'm like.... uh..... *post to poly forum*

Cuz I kind of don't know right now. I'm weighing the options. Yes it is safer to say no, never, in that I can avoid feeling shittier about a relationship based on a foundation of pushing and cheating and boundary-busting (and not just me, she lied to the other girl as well, but it's up to her how she reacts to that). But all the books say not to make limits to avoid your emotions, so in poly, I think the harder but eventually healthier, more productive route is to learn to embrace this new relationship. But emotionally, that feels like a bad move. At least right now.

Having never been here before, how do I determine when/if I'll feel comfortable with them seeing each other given what happened? Today, I'm still all fucked up inside that this person I love and trust and share a bed with did this knowing I wasn't there yet, after agreeing she wouldn't. Furthermore, if this person was so important to her, why did she put that relationship in jeaopardy instead of appreciating what she had with her so far? I'm afraid of falling into a pattern where she feels the only way to progress in poly is to break agreements. Then, the only times we grow are in places of mistrust, and then instead of building trust, we're building this like... void of trust.

YES, I am worried about their connection, not itself (or I wouldn't be telling you guys that I'm struggling with preventing her from finding happiness with this person). It's that it legitimately threatened our primary relationship when this happened. Not just in my jealous imagination, but in real life, because it overshadowed her ability to act in the best interest of all parties, not just herself.
 
I think the harder but eventually healthier, more productive route is to learn to embrace this new relationship. But emotionally, that feels like a bad move.

If the goal is to move it forward to a headspace where all three can exist in harmony, then this has to happen in stages. Unravel what needs to be unraveled, the knit back up what needs to be knitted. Discard trash.

This initial first stage? I already kinda described it for me if it were happening to me.

See your person. But keep them AWAY from me. When you are with me, keep them away from me -- no texts, calls, etc on MY time. Be PRESENT with me on your dates with ME.

And I would need quiet peace time for 30 days -- not asking me to process faster, not gushing too much at me about the other relationship. Just emotional peace and harmony so I can think in my head without distractions.

If pushed, I'm gonna say "Limit! I'm out!" because I've been painted into a corner and I feel all prickly about the cheater start.

If you want me to see if it could be a soft limit, if it could be negotiated in time... I would need time to sit with that. To see if I would be willing to entertain that. Not that I AM entertaining that. Just if I could get to that headspace.

But before I can answer THAT one, I have to answer "Do I still even want to BE here with you?" Give me the 30 days to evaluate that one. Then we can do the 30 days to think out the next baby step question.

So carry on your rship with her AWAY FROM ME. So I can feel emotionally safe again and not have it in my face. And I will see if I could get to a place where I could move past the initial betrayal and into a headspace where I could entertain it AFTER I see if I am too disgusted by you or not to even stay with you to begin with. STOP rushing me just cuz YOU are drunk!

You have apologized. It's my move now -- to forgive and forget or not forgive and move on? Forgive and not forget and make our lives hell -- that's not appealing.

Don't rush me to the "you making ammends" part. I have to finish my chess move inside my head first before I can talk about it calmly and not all hot head. This is a "time out" here. Let me have it!

Having never been here before, how do I determine when/if I'll feel comfortable with them seeing each other given what happened?

Only time can answer that, so give it a month to see initial viability test.

See your person on the side but keep them AWAY from me.

I will be thinking things and see how I am being treated as the ORE while you are all NRE giddy.

I don't have to sign up for more of this muppet show if I don't want to. I want to see if you can start playing like honorable jedi.

I will let you know in 30 days if I am still in or not. And if I am willing to try to embrace change.

Today, I'm still all fucked up inside that this person I love and trust and share a bed with did this knowing I wasn't there yet, after agreeing she wouldn't. Furthermore, if this person was so important to her, why did she put that relationship in jeaopardy instead of appreciating what she had with her so far?

Drunk on the brain cascade of hormones? Drunk (with alcohol) people have impaired judgement. I know when I'm all lovestruck "wheeee! In love!" I might have poor judgement. I can't sleep or eat or anything right! It goes beyond crushie then.

Read up on the neuroscience of brain endorphin/hormone cascade when someone first gets the DING! for someone else.

I don't think she's out to get you. She sounds like she's trying to play fair but she's impaired? At least in the posts? Who knows what it is in real life. Only you would know how earnest/honest she is being.

You could break up and get into another polyship elsewhere but this comes back again with other people -- how to cope with my "drunk" polypeeps? It is much easier to cope with when you go there informed and there isn't a cheatery start of course.

I do not envy your position. Sigh. It's a hard call.

I'm afraid of falling into a pattern where she feels the only way to progress in poly is to break agreements. Then, the only times we grow are in places of mistrust, and then instead of building trust, we're building this like... void of trust.

It's not the mistake. It is not the conflict. It is how you agree to be together and NAVIGATE THROUGH the rough patch that builds trust. The goal in life is not to be ding free. We certainly don't want to go LOOKING for extra problems. But all people have their problems. Every single one. You want a partner who can take it with you and has your back? Then you have to work at being the best partners you can be to each other in and out of conflict. Not just fair weather strong, but strong through and through.

Of course if you are done here, you are done. There's only so much people can ask of a person who has lost all trust and has NO interest in trying again. Is that where you are at? That too is valid. Some things just go past the point of no return. You have to sit with it, and think and decide.


YES, I am worried about their connection, not itself (or I wouldn't be telling you guys that I'm struggling with preventing her from finding happiness with this person). It's that it legitimately threatened our primary relationship when this happened. Not just in my jealous imagination, but in real life, because it overshadowed her ability to act in the best interest of all parties, not just herself.

I don't think it is the connection per se.

It is the GF's ability to understand herself, and understand how to play when she's been (for lack of a better vocab) drinkin' too much.

Part of that will die down in time -- the NRE chemistry crush buzz and the LOVESTRUCK!! buzz.

I've been having all kinds of ORE endorphin buzz lately with DH (intense sex hormone cascade, intimate heart to heart cascade) and I cannot sleep or eat. I know my own self and I know my body is struggling to clear this junk out of my system. It is fun to feel! Wheee! But I'm not driving either! I've been avoiding driving where I can or call up friends to help out.

I am much too buzzy/distracty/drunk!

GG
 
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1. Would you give someone another chance, if they made a royal mistake during their first pass at a secondary relationship?
Yes.

What might that other chance look like?
Depends on the type of royal mistake, but it would include additional boundaries until such time as they'd proven that they weren't LIKELY to repeat the previous mistake. (I say likely because there is no FOR SURE)

Do I loosen/negotiate less tight boundaries so my expectations aren't so high and I'm less likely to be let down? Or do I hold tight to the same boundaries and remove them as I feel safe, the way I hoped it would go the first time? Or do I work on trusting her the next time, but with someone new instead?
Actions have consequences. Some good, some bad. I use this concept for myself all of the time. Her actions have had some bad consequences. In my world some of those consequences would be stricter boundaries until the trust was rebuild-and that simply requires time and effort on HER PART to stick to the boundaries and YOUR PART to observe and accept that SHE HAS CHANGED whatever it is that caused the previous fuck up. (I say this as the one who DID the fuck up-so from personal experience in HER shoes)


How do you help a partner mourn a relationship that involved agreement violations? Do you?
Limitedly. "I love you and I know you are hurting. I'm sorry you are hurting and I wish I could fix it. I can't hear this from the heart for you on account of the choices that led to this situation so please go spend time with a friend who can."

I feel as her partner, I have a responsibility to help her through any kind of tough time. But given the circumstances, I'm having a hard time gathering any sympathy. I have empathy, but... I'm also still hurt and angry (though less every day), so they seem to be cancelling each other out.
You BOTH have responsibilities. You are BOTH hurting.
IF you were both in a car accident and were hospitalized with extreme injuries-NO ONE would expect either of you to be taking care of the other. EVERYONE would expect that people who were NOT INJURED would be taking care of both of you.
Additionally, everyone would expect those people to take care of both of you WHILE RESPECTING THE CONTINUED RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN the two of you.
(therefore, the person helping you both through this painful time right now should NOT BE people who may have cause to want to do/say anything that could cause more dissent and conflict between the two of you.)

FYI-I think GG's advice here is FUCKING PHENOMENAL. :)
 
I think yours and GG's are awesome, thanks so much.

I'm just tempted to be like GO FOR IT, it's FINE! But when I envision that, it doesn't feel safe. Not YET.

RunningMan's points sound a lot like my partner's remarks on the topic around the time her defenses were up. She's actually been really great since, and has accepted that she needs to focus on us before worrying about someone new/the OSO. There was a lot of "why are you punishing me" because I was constantly freaking out. But we've both found a safe way to talk, partly through here, partly through time, and through therapy, where our hackles are down, so that's why I see a possibility for this "second chance." But I'm even more weary than before!

But thanks for making me feel okay with taking time to get my head around it. I do have one thing on my side: the other person is quite happy to be a secondary, so her behavior itself isn't a threat. I would be in a padded room if on top of this, she was also acting shady. I've thanked her for that. :) And I've thanked my partner for relating to me, and I've worked really hard to be a better listener. Helps to not be TRIGGERED anymore.

@LovingRadience: what if it was the tight boundaries that made her feel trapped, and this is how it manifested? That's what she says happened. She says following the boundaries was fine until she was in the moment, and when she was alone with her OSO, in practice, she couldn't hang with my boundaries. And that made her feel controlled, and made her "snap" and that's how the mistake happened. Now, I feel totally justified giving her the same boundaries, but anything stricter would be suffocating since I already asked them not to sleep together yet. I'm afraid tightening the limits would land us in the same place. UGH.
 
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