How do you avoid distraction?

nycindie

Active member
Hi all, so I am curious about something. How do people in a poly situation manage not to be distracted by the dynamics of one relationship when they are in the company of another? I mean, I had a long conversation with someone last night and I can't get it out of my head. I keep thinking about it and more stuff I want to say to him, and tomorrow I am going out to meet another friend for brunch, and I have a feeling it will be hard not to keep thinking about this.

I know it's all about being present to what is and living in the moment -- believe me I have lived for 15 years always trying to practice that -- but aren't there times when one person in your poly relationships seems to dominate your thoughts and gets in the way of relating to the other(s) with whom you are also involved? For me, relationships can be so heady and all-consuming sometimes. How do poly people handle this?
 
I can only speak from a mono point of view- but I noticed early on that my wife has a sort of transition period when she comes home when she is a bit quiet. It sometimes lasts a couple of hours. The other guy says she is the same there when she first arrives and when she is getting ready to leave. It is as if she needs to get used to us again. It is not a problem as long as we don't expect too much interaction when she first arrives.
I know this doesn't answer your question fully but it is kind of related I think.
 
Breathe.

Be here now.

Love one another.

Pay loving attention to your partner's needs, and to your own. Love forward with love, respect, and integrity. Trust them to do the same. Somehow it all works out. How? I don't know; it's a mystery. ;)
 
I don't find it different from thinking about a loved one when you're out with a friend... It would only be hard if I had to hide it. Usually I talk about it, the reason why I'm thinking about the other person, what we did last time we talked, etc.
And then I enjoy my time with the person I'm with. I'm not sure how it would work with both of them being here, since the holidays will be the first time with all three of us being in the same place. I'll tell you how it went after the holidays are over, I guess!
 
I've actually had to think about this! lol

I talk about it. When I'm with Possibility I talk about Breathes & vice versa. It doesn't seem to annoy them although I haven't thought to ask.

There's nothing wrong with letting your partners know you are thinking about them when you're with the other, unless you're obsessively thinking about them then I would think some serious introspection would be in order so you could figure out why you were obsessing.
 
Even in all my previous mono relationships, I often thought about others. It's natural. But it generally only happens when I'm not doinf much and my thoughts are left to wander. When I'm out doing something with someone I love, my mind is fixed on them. I don't know how or why, but that's just the way it works for me.
 
I like what Fidelia said; pay attention to your partners needs and then your own with this one. Talking about it with them can help, but it isn't always appropriate, so make sure you have your timing right or that you should be talking with them about it at all.

There is a lot of sucking up in poly... at least until later... it's part of good boundaries I think
 
If I have lover A on my mind while I'm with lover B. I talk to lover B about it. If I am able to share an process my thoughts, I feel resolved and more able to be in the moment!! Good luck with things!!
 
I have a really hard time with this, in fact it is something i am learning constantly... I don't have a "natural" switch to do this.

I agree with idealist. The easiest way for me to do this is to discuss the situation. Clears my head and helps me focus.
 
t -- but aren't there times when one person in your poly relationships seems to dominate your thoughts and gets in the way of relating to the other(s) with whom you are also involved? For me, relationships can be so heady and all-consuming sometimes. How do poly people handle this?

Hey there NYC :)

I guess this is something pretty general - not specific to poly.
When there's something going on in our lives that requires/needs a lot of our mental resources, it's hard to give proper attention to anything else.

The trick for me at least is acknowledging this and calling time out. Then looking at whatever the resource hog is and asking if it REALLY deserves the level of priority I'm allowing it.

The answer to this may vary, because sometimes the need is there and sometimes it isn't. If it is, I don't mind sharing it with someone because at least that acknowledges that in the moment - they ARE an important consideration and that I'm trying to balance best I can.
If I discover that the conflictor is hogging more of my resources than is necessary or fair, via practice I've gotten much better at putting the silencer on it for the moment.
But that's just a skill that comes with practice.

GS
 
I only have one partner right now... But when I'm thinking about Raga (ex partner) or W (interest with whom things didn't happen), I tell Seamus about it, and he's very understanding, and that helps.
Sometimes, just saying that is enough to get it off my mind, but sometimes I need to talk a bit longer, and then he listens and provides feedback and advice if asked to.

I find that in the end, it makes me more at ease in my feelings for the other people, but also for the one who is right here with me, I feel closer to him because I can be myself with him.
 
I do best if I can talk about what's on my mind. Whether it's finances, kids, other lovers, D/s... doesn't matter the topic, if I can talk honestly and openly for a few minutes with my partner I'm more able to let it go and then move on to enjoying our time together.

When it's most difficult is times like right now, when there is an ongoing conflict. It's hard to just set it aside and have a day-but I have to, because it could be MONTHS before it's resolved. Usually, in moments like this-I acknowledge the emotion I'm feeling about the conflict in present moment, 5-10 minutes and then I can move on.
 
Hmmm... Very good post! While it doesn't apply to me, it definitely applies to the situation. One thing I've been feeling lately (lots of back and forths for everybody) is sort of that distraction. Sometimes I feel like talking about poly is eating up way too much of my mental energy. Jen has been very preoccupied with figuring things out for herself. Nothing ridiculous, but it is something I am noticing.

It probably has a lot to do with my jealousy too though. I tend to notice unfavorable things more than favorable right now unfortunately... Anyways, it's kind of the emotion too. For example, because Jen and I are in a stable relationship, there isn't that crazy outburst of emotion. When there is a lot of emotion, it's deep love, which isn't exactly flamboyant. When we're talking about partners etc, a lot of different emotions come up, and most are a little more in your face.

While I didn't see anybody else really posting good "answers" to the question, I figured I'd put my side up there as well.
 
I like what Fidelia said; pay attention to your partners needs and then your own with this one. Talking about it with them can help, but it isn't always appropriate, so make sure you have your timing right or that you should be talking with them about it at all.

There is a lot of sucking up in poly... at least until later... it's part of good boundaries I think

I think this is a crucial point. We poly-people tend to go to "more communication" as our first answer to everything... I know I do... but processing takes a lot of mental energy, both from you and from the person you're doing it with. Sometimes you just need to summon your inner zen and let things be what they are.

And when the processing you're doing with someone is about your other lover, it's a real gift for the person doing it with you to take the time and energy to help you work through things. Don't always bite your tongue when you're struggling, but don't risk abusing that gift either!
 
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