If I meet a guy who has any rule with his SO that affects me, I have a choice whether or not to accept that rule or set of rules. I can ask myself whether or not it impedes or offends my own personal boundaries, and if it doesn't, sure I will go along with it. But if I don't think the balance is weighted fairly and if my needs feel disrespected, I can walk. There are plenty of fish in the sea. I think lots of people get caught up in accepting others' rules which they actually consider unreasonable, simply because they think this is their last chance at happiness or something. Feeling desperate for love is not a good basis for starting a relationship with someone and losing my integrity.
I would rather share a quick email or phone convo just to confirm that the SO is on board with poly and the guy isn't a cheater, but meeting her, to me, is something I'd want to do in my own time.
I truly appreciated this, because all too often it seems that a spouse has no understanding of the importance of autonomy in relationships. She then told me that she would only want to get to know me once he and I had something established between us. Obviously, her and his approach totally meshed with mine, and so I have faith that there are more people out there like that. Yes, I can and will compromise if I feel a situation merits doing so and I am not losing myself in the compromise, but as I move forward I can state my boundaries and say yes or no without feeling like I have to do anything that goes against my convictions.
Nyc-I highlighted the parts that stood out to me with a huge smile on my face.
Also-in purple, to me email/text might BE meeting the other person. It doesn't have to be face to face per se. It's the total lack of straight one person to the other communication I have a true issue with. If they aren't willing or interested in verifying that I exist and that I am on board-they risk the possibility that I'm not and he is cheating. Which in turn makes them a cheater.
I know for CERTAIN (watched it AND he admits it readily) that Maca has a HUGE issue with grabbing anything that pays him the slightest attention-because he's afraid no opportunity will ever come along. (obviously THEY DO-as he's filtered through 4 so far, even in our small community). But, he's certain they won't.
Even he looks back and says "WTF was I THINKING?!?!?!" The answer is simple, he wasn't thinking-he was fucking attracted, panicked that no one he was attracted to would give him the time of day again and rushed into more than HE was ready for. Only to end up with major regrets of his own (not including the complications for the rest of us) because HE DID NOT STAY TRUE TO HIS OWN priorities and needs.
With all of the women-I've given him the go-ahead, because I don't believe in controlling my lovers. But, every time I've warned him, he was considering actions HE HAS AN ISSUE WITH. Our boundaries are almost COMPLETELY HIS boundaries-not mine.
The last time, I warned her. After he shared naked photos of her with my brother (whom she doesn't know and whom he is not close with). She tried to tell me she knew him better than I did. I let it go (with her) knowing she was about to get burned up one side and down the other, because in fact, I know him much better than she does. 24 years of watching someone will do that for a person.
Now, she's hurt, angry, resentful and flinging all the blame at me. He has figured out that it was him and he knows I didn't do or say any of the shit she's accusing me of.
But, she can't IMAGINE that he would ACTUALLY have lied to her or misrespresented himself to her. Because she TRUSTED him and she knew him OH SO WELL through their sexual connection.....
After a few weeks of reading through the writings here, my conclusion at this point is-
she fucking deserves it.
If she chooses to believe she can get to know someone that well, that fast, through sex-she deserves precisely what she got-which was finding out that in fact, there are some guys out there who WANT to be really nice guys-but do some STUPID ASSHOLE SHIT and if you ask their current significant others wtf is going on before you get in to deep (sex/no sex, whatever, before you get emotionally attached), you could save your self a fuckload of heartache.
And STI's.
(not that STI's were an issue here, just saying)