Starting my poly life

Take pitty on the poor person who is opening the account for you, they probably have gone back and forth to their supervisor 20 times, just making sure they have done everything correctly. Don't be surprised if they come back 2 weeks later needing more paperwork signed.

I wouldn't be surprised, it's already the second letter I get. I don't really have a problem with it, first because it shouldn't be too hard to prove, and second because the worst that could happen is having to pay taxes on interest I make, and honestly, I can't say I would mind.

Still, I'll send everything they want, not a problem. I just thought it was worth mentioning, as it surprised me. I wasn't sure at first I'd even be able to open an account as a non-resident, so I'm glad I could even if it means going through a lot of checking things.
 
Your story together is an inspiration to me. I wanted to know what married couples starting polyamory was like. Unfortunatly for me, although I have been open with my wife back when she was my fiance, I didn't really know what polyamory was.

When I first started reading and learning about it, I used it more as a cover for sexual things (more partners).

Because I knew that wasn't truly polyamory I figured I wasn't poly and instead just a typical sexual male.

Then we got married and a year or so went by, and I realized I really do have interests outside of sex in relation to other poeple. And feel love is not restricted to one person.

Now I am faced with getting married without having had the opportunity to be upfront with my wife a head of time that I am truly poly. She is mono. For now I am doing a lot of reading on this forum and trying to learn about myself, and what things can make my wife comfortable.

I do not want to hurt her, and am willing to take things as slowly as is necessary for her to feel comfortable, but I know that pretending that I am mono for the rest of my life will most likely not work. I also want her to feel comfortable remaining mono for the rest of her life since that would be giving her the same freedom to be who she is as I am asking from her to be who I am.

I really enjoyed reading your story, and since its been a while since your last post, I hope everything is going really well!
 
Good luck with everything, meinsb. Ultimately, I broke up with my husband, but it was for a variety of issues and not a result of polyamory. I do still wish I could have been upfront about being polyamorous from the time I met him, but I didn't know about polyamory back then.

I believe you can work through everything. Be honest, communicate a lot, try to explain your point of you and understand hers. I don't know your specific situation so I don't know how it will turn out, but I don't want people to look at me and think it means coming out as poly is doomed to break up your marriage. Lots of other people have stayed together and made it work, including mono/poly pairings. And I don't believe the mono/poly aspect caused our marriage to deteriorate, as I wasn't aware of it. I think if he had been poly, like I thought he were, we would have separated nonetheless.

But lots of people who are both mono break up, lots of people who are both poly break up. It happens. I hope people can learn from the mistakes we made, while remembering each situation is unique :)
 
Some more good news on my end.

First, I received the package fom Raga, which was a relief. What I was most happy to get was the USB sensor for that game, a pair of black panties (I had been living on two pairs until now... although I have some money now so I guess I could buy more) and my bathing suit (I want to go swimming and it's hard to find my size).

Raga also forwarded a letter from the government of Canada saying they received something from him (I'm guessing either a letter or phone call) on the 1st of February to cancel his sponsoring me for permanent residency. Since they wouldn't accept me now that we're separated, it was saving us a lot of trouble later on, so that was a really good idea (I have to admit I didn't think of it).

I also contacted a friend in France who said she can let me stay at her place until I find a job and a place to move on my own. I also managed to get my security number back.

Small background on this. In France you get a card called "carte Vitale" which allowed you to get health services or a job, and has your social security number on it. A few years ago, they updated the cards to add a picture to them so the chance of them being used fraudulently would be even lower (they already had a name on it, but adding a picture as well is even better).

So I received a letter in the mail with a form to fill, and I was to send the form, my old card and a picture so they could give me a new card. I did so and they never sent a new card.
And I only knew my social security number because it was on that card. I'd just pull it out and read it when I was asked for it (it's 15 digits long in France so a bit harder to remember).

I need that card to find a job, but when I contacted social security, they were asking of my SSN to prove that I was who I was so they could give me the card. So I needed the card for the number, but I also needed the number for the card. It was a pain.

Yesterday though, I finally managed to remember my number and their website identified me successfully. However they didn't let me add a new address and my old French one is two years old now, so I've decided to send them snail mail to explain my situation and ask if they can send me the forms to be filled here in the US, since the processing time to get a new card is a month or more, and I'd like to have the card as soon as possible so I can work.

So things are looking better for me: I have a place to stay in France when I come back, I have the means to buy my ticket to go back, I'm now able to request a new card so I can work (and get health benefits too, whether I work or not, provided I'm registered as unemployed if I don't).

The only thing that really needs to be looked at still is the divorce. I'm thinking a Canadian divorce would be easier (as you don't have to show up in court), and as I recall we can fill for it already, have it all processed, and simply be divorced once the one year separation occurs, meaning we don't have to wait until then, and then apply. So I'll start looking into it, and also look how to register the divorce once it's complete so I'm legally divorced in France as well.

At this point, I expect to be divorced in about a year, possibly less, taking into account all the possible processing to have it recognised in both countries. Then I'll look into a visa to move to the US permanently, and in the meantime I'm hoping to be able to visit once more.

It might all be pretty technical and boring for everyone reading, but I've been trying to keep a blog now that everything is happening, so I can refer to it later. There is no way otherwise that I'll remember things since everything is so crazy right now.
 
I'm in France now (arrived yesterday).
The trip took 24 hours, three planes and I got sick. It sucked, but fortunately that's over.

Had some issues upon arrival too: they wouldn't issue a new bank card (French one) and said I had to call and order one, which would be shipped to me. So I decided to wait because I need to change addresses first. Which I did this afternoon, to take effect on the 15th.
My US bank card got blocked too because of "suspicious transactions". Which was a bit annoying because I told them I'd be back in France after 3 months, but wasn't such a big deal because I could get it reactivated today.

So now I have some money and I'm pretty much done everything I needed to do in Paris. I could leave today but I think I'll stay an extra night and leave tomorrow.

It's pretty hard to think all the people I love (romantically, I mean) are now on a different continent. On the plus side, Seamus's work has said they'd give him time off if he want to come and see me, so he might be able to make a trip to France at some point.
 
I'm now in the North of France. Dealing with the relationship being long distance again it's a bit hard. It's something I've needed for a long time though, and I really appreciate Seamus letting me go like that. Raga not letting me go for a couple of years was one of the reasons for the breakup (although now that it has happens it feels like there was no way around it, it was the best for us) so I'm glad I won't have to lose Seamus too.

He's hoping I can get the divorce as soon as possible. Me too. I want to be able to rebuild myself while being divorced, I don't want to get divorced only right before I marry Seamus. I need some time in between, so the longest the divorce take the longest I'll have to be in France, and the longest I'll have to be apart from Seamus.

Fortunately we get to talk almost every day, thanks to emails in particular.

Anyway, as far as being in France goes. I have an appointment on Tuesday with the unemployment agency to get myself register and so they can help me find something. I'm hoping they'll help, but my current roommate was with them for two years before she found something, and she had to look on the side for that, she didn't even find it through them. So I'll have to look on the side too.

I've been working on webcomic translations for a few years, and Seamus is going to make a website where I can put them up. The main domain would be used as a portfolio lwith examples of my work (comics and other things too) and subdomains for each separate comic for French readers to read them.
He's been working a lot and his mom has been sicker than ever so I don't know when I'll have any of it. In the meantime I do more translating so that when I have it I can put stuff in it. So far I have a buffer of about a month and a half if updating every weekday, more if I update less often.
 
I hope some people are following my journal, because I've got a question and I would appreciate your advice.

Now that I'm in France, I've been thinking of remaking contact with my ex. Actually when I arrived, the first thing my roommate asked is if I was going to. It's no secret to her, to myself, to Seamus or to Raga that I've missed the guy a lot.

Currently, I'm not planning on starting a relationship with him or have sex, I'm only planning on trying to send a text to the old number I've got asking if it's still his number, and work from there. I didn't contact him while I was in Paris, which is close to where he lives, and now I know that he wouldn't make the trip to where I am, and while I'm planning to go back to Paris on weekends, nothing is planned right away.

I've talked about it with Seamus, and he doesn't like the idea. He's told me that honestly, he's not restricting me at all while we're apart, that I should feel free to do anything from contacting the guy to having sex with him (which he said would be "like con sex") to I guess having a relationship (that would probably be the worst as far as he's concerned), but he's also said that if I contact him he'll be upset.

Seamus doesn't like my ex, D. Raga actually liked the guy a lot because his first impression of him was how he was protective of me and helped me in rough times, and stuff like that. But the first Seamus heard about him was negative stuff, and he thinks the guy isn't reliable, and that he could endanger me. Since he used to do drugs and drink and drive and stuff like that, I can see the point (although he never let me in the car after he had drunk), but good things about D haven't managed to change Seamus's first impression.

I really care about Seamus, but I also really care about D. Even though we had sex a few times and I have good memories of it, I mostly miss D as a friend. However I know there is a chemistry between us and if he's willing we'd probably at least hug and kiss and possibly more, which is why I thought prudent not to contact him when we could meet in person before talking and being clear about what could or could not happen.

But Seamus doesn't mind the physical aspect, he minds the idea that I be in contact with the guy at all. While I'd be fine with some boundaries about not having sex with him, or not kissing him, or not meeting him at all, the idea of not contacting him when I'm finally in the same country hurts me a bit. I feel like I'll probably regret it if I don't.

All the same, I don't want to hurt and upset Seamus. Do you think there is a way to warm him up to the idea, in which case I'd wait until he's fine with it, or do you think he probably won't change and I should just do it now (or never do it)?

At this point part of me is wishing that it's not his number anymore. I have other (roundabout) ways to contact him (for instance through his parents) but I was fine with the idea of never doing so until I found the phonebook with his number in it. From then I've been wanting to check, I feel it's like he's right there and I could just reach out. If he's changed his number then I think I won't contact him for a while (although I still might want to before leaving France, but that leaves me up to a year or two), but if I destroyed the number before trying I think it would always torture me...

I'd really take any advice right now, as I'm torn up. Seamus seems to say he'll feel bad either way. Just knowing I want to contact D made him feel down. And if I don't contact him and becomes sad as a result, he'll be sad too, he keeps saying "I just want you to be happy".

At the same time I think about how Raga lied to me about what he was and wasn't comfortable with because he was afraid I'd leave if he was honest, and I'm afraid of making the same mistakes of making Seamus suffer, this time knowingly as he was honest about his feelings.

I'm really lost. Any advice?
 
Tonberry,

Just from reading your last message, it's not clear to me why you want to contact D. Do you miss him as friend? As potentially more? It all feels very murky.

If it's not clear to me, it's probably not clear to you, or Seamus, either. Thinking about why you have a desire to be in contact with D again may shed some light on your motives, and can help address Seamus' fears.

Just a thought.
 
I want to contact him and stay in touch because I miss him. I'm fine with not even meeting in person, and if we meet I'm fine with not having sex (I think it would probably be for the best if we didn't, actually). And I don't want a relationship, we never really had one, we were more like friends with benefits, and I don't see him as a life partner or anything like that.

But I do love him a lot. And I feel I do want him to be part of my life, even if we just talk every so often and then spend months or years with no contact. The idea of never contacting him again or seeing him again makes me, well, very sad. It's not a completely out of control panic sad like thinking about never seeing Seamus again, but it's still sadness, and also I tell myself, what's the point? It feels like it would be kind of a pointless sacrifice to stay away from him.

There is chemistry between us so I'm more afraid of something happening if we met than planning on it. But I have resisted him before when he was interested and staying over for the night but I was in a (then) monogamous long distance relationship with Raga so nothing happened, not even a kiss.
And the last time I met him he didn't even try anything, so I think there is a big chance he isn't interested in anything like that.

The reason I thought about all of that is that I thought Seamus's fears or concerns were about D and I getting involved again, due to the fact he doesn't trust the guy (it doesn't help that he's never met him since I haven't seen him since 2008 or so and I met Seamus only a bit over a year ago). But it turns out he doesn't like or trust him even as far as just talking goes, which I guess I don't really get.
I don't want to push the issue too much because he (Seamus) locks down in cases like that. Plus I'm afraid to sound accusatory when I'm just curious, or make him think he (Seamus) is less important than he actually is, or something. And I know if I push the issue even a little bit he'll say "do whatever you want" and then feel bad if I do.

I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm expecting... He's a close friends who was there at some of the worst times of my life, he was supportive and good to me, he rooted for me finding someone, etc. He does have his flaws but I feel he's an important person in my life, and since coming back to France I got back in touch with two other close friends and it feels odd not to with him because someone I met so recently has a bad feeling about it.
Yet I don't want to dismiss that bad feeling either.

I'm not sure if I made things clearer or less clear >.> I'll try to recap: I want to be friends again with D. I wouldn't mind being friends with benefits again, but I think it would probably have more bad consequences than good ones so I'm find avoiding it as well. And I'm fine with only being able to see him in public or something similar that might reassure Seamus. I'm less fine about not being able to see D at all but willing to compromise if we can still discuss through texts or phone calls or other distant methods. I don't feel fine with not being able to contact him at all as it feels unfair, but I don't want to hurt Seamus either.

I don't know why I was fine with not contacting him until I found his number. Maybe it's because he seems closer now. Maybe it's because it was my decision while now it's more like a sacrifice for the sake of Seamus. Maybe I don't like the idea that he gets to make decisions for me.
On the other hand I know he isn't, he's just saying how it makes him feel. I wish I knew how to prevent him from feeling that way. I wish he (Seamus) could be here with me so he wouldn't feel so bad about it.
 
I think it's unfair for Seamus to expect to be able to control who you talk to or are friends with. He should have a say in who you're banging, but friends? That's too controlling for me. If it was me, I would keep things with the ex strictly platonic in order to maintain a friendship.

Just my two cents.
 
I think it's unfair for Seamus to expect to be able to control who you talk to or are friends with. He should have a say in who you're banging, but friends? That's too controlling for me. If it was me, I would keep things with the ex strictly platonic in order to maintain a friendship.

Just my two cents.

I understand that totally... he's not like that in general. He's actually been super supportive when I was pursuing W, who I've been interested in for a year and a half or so. He's still supportive about that. It's just this specific guy that he doesn't like. I don't know, maybe I should try and arrange for them to talk on the phone or something, but with one of them not speaking French and the other not speaking English that sounds compromised.

I'm still interested in advice, but I think unless someone gives me a better advice, I'm going to try and give it a few days or a week and bring the subject with Seamus again.
 
Tonberry,

Ah, that is much clearer. Sounds like the issue is the D gives Seamus the willies - he doesn't appear from your description to be unhappy about you pursuing men he feels treat you well and are safe. So why does D bother Seamus?

I've found that my wife has much better people radar than I do. I consider it when someone bothers her, even if I don't get the same feeling and if she can't put a finger on why someone feels sketchy to her. Often I go ahead with my interactions with that person but not always.

It's possible that Seamus is overreacting to something from the past, or he just reacts badly to D. It's also possible that he is picking up on something that you've overlooked or glossed over.

Of course, I would agree that Seamus doesn't have the right to pick your friends - and if you think about it and decide that you are comfortable, pick up the phone. I have a few people like D in my life - people who were important to me and we've lost touch - who I would like to run into again someday.
 
It seems to me that you and Seamus have imagined quite a bit about what could happen if you contact D. - from friendship to sex to a relationship. But you don't even know if the number works or if he wants to be in touch with you again.

While I'd be fine with some boundaries about not having sex with him, or not kissing him, or not meeting him at all, the idea of not contacting him when I'm finally in the same country hurts me a bit. I feel like I'll probably regret it if I don't. . . . There is chemistry between us . . .

There was chemistry between you. You don't know if the chemistry would still be there. How long has it been since you've seen him? Since you were in relationship?

Sadness won't kill you. Some people are only meant to be part of our lives for a specified time. Some people are best left as a part of the past. In my experience, reconnecting with old loves is a crap shoot, and often causes a mess. When you have old memories that you hold precious, it becomes hard to stay in the present and see the current situation clearly. Maybe Seamus's intuition is accurate and D. would not be good for you now.

You're back in France and feeling nostalgic. I can understand missing people you knew there, but the turmoil you expressed in your post makes me wonder if contacting D. again would be worth it. It's one thing if you looked up some old friends, and he just happened to be present, and it was impromptu and happened without planning. But you are already placing so much weight (expectation?) on what would happen if you got together, it just seems to me that you're projecting big complications on what's possible, and this is all coming out of a mental/intellectual kind of worrying or ruminating on all this -- rather than a passion or real organic feeling that being in touch with him again is what you want. Even so, I would be cautious if I were you.

This is a new stage of your life. Why not move on from thinking about D. and create new friendships and relationships while there? I know you asked for advice, and so I guess that would be mine, although I'm more inclined to just call it my opinion than advice.
 
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So, I was waiting as I said I would...
And as I was waiting, I was thinking maybe it wasn't so bad. Really, with D I always seem to have had times I couldn't think about anything but contacting him, and then times I couldn't really care less if I was going to see him or not. That's actually part of the reason I don't think we'd work as a relationship.

Anyways, I thought about what nycindie said too. The last time we met was 2008, and the chemistry was still there even though we hadn't been together for 2 years. Now I don't think if it would have disappeared, but does that happen between adult friends? I've had it happen with people I knew as kids, because we grew up and became too different, but in a couple of years in your adult life, is drifting apart that much as common?

I don't really know. Anyways, Sunday night I was talking to Seamus, and I was very tired (due to the time difference I had to stay up until after 2 to get to see him), and my tired is most people's drunk. So I started rambling about how I was sorry I found the phonebook and how I made him sad, and he asked if I had contacted D yet.
I said no because I didn't want to make him sad. He told me I was cute but silly, that he'd get over it and I'd always regret it if I didn't. I said maybe, but maybe if I did contact him I'd also always regret it because I would make him sad, and out of two things I might always regret I'd rather take the thing that didn't make him sad.

I was very tired as I said, I'm not sure if I was speaking from the heart of what, I thought of never contacting him as something so hard that I'd never get over, and then suddenly it was like it was no big deal. It's weird.

Anyway, he said he was glad I cared about his feelings, but that he had only told me it would upset him because he wanted me to know, and not because he wanted to guild trip me and command my actions, and that I should do it "tomorrow" so Monday, which is yesterday here but probably today for a bunch of you.

Today I had a busy day dealing with health stuff (getting registered on health care again, which wasn't too complicated but I still had to go there and file forms) and Seamus was going to be out all morning and some of the afternoon his time, and I didn't expect to see him until I woke up later today (I haven't gone to bed yet).
After I was done dealing with my stuff, I thought of it, so I went to get the phonebook and sent a message ("hey, is it still D's number, this is Tonberry", something like that).
I got an answer a few hours later, and I have to say I was a bit shaky when I clicked to read it. It turns out it's not his number anymore, which was a relief and at the same time a bit of a disappointment I guess.

Seamus came home earlier than I expected so I told him, and he was obviously happy about it.

So that's that. I'm not feeling the urge to contact him anymore, I still think I might at some point, and after the talk I had with Seamus I think I'll go for it without torturing myself over it, but it can wait and I'll see about that later.

Oh, and about the fact that I thought about how things might work already, etc... I over-think stuff, that's how I work. I think of all the different outcomes I can think of and how to deal with each of them. When one of them occurs, it makes me feel more prepared to deal with it, and at the same time I can put things in perspective better when it's a negative outcome because so far it's never been the worst one.
I didn't present all the outcomes in my posts because some wouldn't have been an issue, which might have given the impression I was sure it would go a certain way. I was very aware there were many ways it could go, and I thought of some where we'd see each other and feel we were done, too.
So it's not like I was sure we'd feel the same as before, and both feel it, it just seemed to be the possible outcome that had the most potential for going awry.
 
Raga has been doing better lately about talking to me, so we talked for a few minutes a couple of times (through IMs) which is good. It's been over five months now so I'm glad it's progressing.
At the very beginning I was in a weird place, knowing I needed to give him time but wishing we could be friends again right away. After a couple of months I was in a bad place, I felt we'd never be friends again, and pretty much everyone I talked to who also knew him had shunned me so I wasn't really sure how to feel, I thought maybe I had hurt him more than I thought, I thought maybe he thought I had done things on purpose as opposed to doing what I felt was right.
I still though I had been right, but I was hurting in a lot of ways, and felt between a rock (my ex-friends who know thought I was a terrible person, and to the exception of one of them, refused to tell me why) and a hard place (my parents who were told about the break up and seemed to think it meant I magically had forgiven them for how horribly they had treated my husband, but as a result were pretty much the only people offering support, which I felt I had to refuse since that would have been, in my opinion, insulting to Raga).

Now, I wasn't completely alone: one of the common friends I had with Raga was still talking to me and just wanted to be left out of the whole thing, I had two friends in France who supported me, and of course there was Seamus, who stuck to me through the whole thing even though he meant being away from me for so long.

But now, things are looking much better. I completely got over those ex-friends who just blocked/ignored me everywhere they could without a word of explanation (or a question asked to me about things they'd heard to even check if it was true), because, really, if you can't count on your friends to tell it to your face when they think you did something wrong, and then listen to what you have to say about it, they weren't your friends to begin with.
I went back to France, finally (one big reason for the break up, maybe the sparkle that caused it), I got to see the two friends in France who could provide me with support (which they couldn't do much before, mainly due to time difference), and I'm working to get a job. So on my side of things, life is good.

But on top of that, Raga is happier again, and not only does it mean he's talking to me a bit more, and hopefully on his way to be my friend full-time again, but it also makes everything worth it that I had to go through to reach that result. So I'm really happy about that.
 
A few days ago Seamus said something hurtful to me. The details aren't very important, but then he didn't talk to me for a few days. I thought he'd need to breathe and left him alone.

Then tonight he talked to me again, told me what was wrong. I told him what he had said was hurtful, and he said he knew, and had meant for it to be that way.
I didn't say anything at the time, as I was still feeling bad for hurting him in the first place, and hurting him enough that he felt he had to get back to me and hurt me on purpose.

Later on, he told me I should stand up for myself more, and that he had been shitty. I told him that yes, he had been. Anyways, I told him never to hurt me intentionally again.

And then we were good again. This whole thing is just for context though, because it made me think of my relationship with Raga.
With Raga, remember, I told you, I became abusive, he was a victim, etc. The more he took it, the less I respected him or myself, and the more miserable we both were.

But Seamus broke that circle. He didn't let me take it. I mean, sure, it was bad of him to hurt me in the first place, I realise that. But it was bad for me to take it too. It's something I wouldn't go around telling people because I don't want to blame the victim, but I still think if I hadn't stood up for myself, if he hadn't caused me to, I would have ended into another vicious circle.
I realise it's important not to have anything abusive in a relationship. But I also understand we're human beings and sometimes we can be resentful and hurtful. If nobody puts us back in our place, it happens again. It's something you owe to yourself to stand up for yourself, but it's also something you owe to the other person, because when you're disrespecting someone, you lose your self-respect too.

Of course, if you stand up to yourself and the other person takes it the wrong way, or remains abusive, then you need to get out of the situation. I'm talking about less extreme cases.

Anyways. It ended up with each of us respecting each other more rather than less. I know he was hurtful, and I know he did it on purpose, but he also told me to stand for myself, and to tell me he had been wrong.
And that can't have been easy. It's always hard to admit you were wrong even if other tell you so, but it's harder if people are letting you get away with it.
I have to admit that it's something I never did with Raga. Always I expected it to come from him. When it become obvious that he had no self-confidence left, I broke up so he could regain it. I wasn't as strong as Seamus was.
And as for Seamus, he can respect someone who calls him on his mistakes and ask him to apologize and never do it again better than someone who would just take it. As he said, that's the person he fell in love with.

I don't know how interesting it is to anyone else. But to me it was enlightening, because I can see how we were heading towards the same problems I had with Raga, but shifted course, and that's a good thing.
 
Lots of news here!

First, today is Seamus and my first anniversary. We set it as the 1st of July because we never bothered to write down the actual date. I found naked pics that Raga took of me for Sean dated from the 26th of June, but Raga had been fine with sending naked pics since before we even were an open relationship, so it's not enough to know if we were already dating or not. And honestly I'm pretty sure we were not, I remember sending the pictures to him and I remember he wasn't my boyfriend at the time.
Anyways! First anniversary for the two of us. He's working today and due to the time difference we probably won't see each other much, so we'll celebrate this weekend instead.

Other piece of news: I got a phone call from the welfare agency. Now this requires background because I didn't want to talk about it until it was settled. When I got to France I registered as unemployed in the hope they'd help me find a job. They have only sent one offer my way so far, but they also sent me to the welfare place to get some income in the meantime.
I was hoping I'd find work soon enough not to need it, but it's pretty crazy, I've been applying to anything I could find or think of, from selling shoes to selling burgers, and I didn't get a single interview.
Anyways, the welfare agency said they would need a judge settlement to explain why I didn't get alimony from my husband.

See, French law is pretty strong about family stuff. If for instance any of my brothers had a debt, I'd have to pay it if they can't because we're related. That doesn't apply to giving me an alimony, but being married does.
So the agency thought I was trying to commit fraud, getting my alimony and still welfare on top of it. However with divorce by mutual consent, no alimony is paid to either spouse unless there are children (or rather, because it's mutual consent, the spouses decide on the amount themselves and can set it to zero).
So after emails and phone calls and stuff, I managed to explain that the Canadian equivalent to mutual consent (that doesn't require Raga to fly to France to show up at the courthouse, like the French one does) requires a year separation, and that it's only been six months, but we'd be divorced already otherwise, so the law about him having to support me should apply as though we were divorced already.

They're willing to consider it, if I can send a copy of the separation agreement (which I have) as well as official proof of the Canadian law about needing to have been separated for a year to divorce without fault (which I don't have but I'm hoping to be able to obtain soon. If anyone from Canada knows how I can go around that, it would be greatly appreciated).

So that's a relief. The welfare isn't huge (pays for my half of the rent and bills in social housing meant for just one person), but I don't know what I'd do without it, as Raga kept the Canadian money, and we spent most of the French one getting to Canada in the first place. As it is, even with welfare I'll be a bit more in the hole ever month so I'm keeping my fingers crossed about getting a job.


Speaking of jobs, Sean got a promotion and raise! He's only been at his new job for less than 4 months, so it's pretty amazing (a 10% raise, too, not "just" like 2% or something). The raise will start in August (so, next month) and he's decided to save it up for getting me to the US and later for the wedding. Since my original plan of putting money aside while I'm here seems compromised right now, it's definitely very good. Plus it helps with the fact that his mom (who lives with him) lost her job last month and can't get on full disability yet.

Mmh... I think that's pretty much it. The main stress for me is money right now, what with some debt (oh, yeah, my parents contacting me saying I owe them money, apparently, including some debt in Raga's name) plus lack of a reliable income, but I'm glad that whenever I worked I always put half of it aside, so that I have a tiny bit left right now.

I also contacted Raga, since the separation agreement stated that he would keep the money that's in Canada and I'd keep the money that's in France: way back when we lived in France, I transferred half of my savings to an account in his name because savings accounts that had a lot of interest had a maximum amount of money and mine was barely over, so I split it half and half, thinking this way it could sit for years and gather interest.
But because it's in his name I can't get it back, so I went to the bank to ask what he'd have to do and then emailed him about it.

Money is annoying. I always feel bad complaining about it because it sounds cheap and petty, and I feel bad talking about it when everything is going fine because I know some other people are struggling. But I guess most of my news this time around was about money, and I really wanted to keep you guys up to date with stuff.
 
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