Matilda
New member
Purely for clarification purposes:
imo, this relationship (myself and "monounsaturated") is quite messed up enough without bringing anyone else into it.
As I've said before, if it was purely up to me, from day one it would have been a one-guy-one-gal wholly exclusive monogamous relationship.
Over the years I've been nudged to the side countless times whilst my husband made relationships (online and phone based for the most part) with other people when it was extremely clear at the time that I could tolerate that or 'lose' him. I've never had any reservations or problems with him making friends outside of me...the difficulty came (again and again) because when he likes a person he wants to like every part of them and invariably pushes friendship and platonic affection into a sexually-based relationship.
To me, having a 'friend' that you're merrily calling up for phonesex isn't part of "monogamy" - and for years and years he honestly didn't understand what my 'issue' was with that... because to him I was being unfair by ENCOURAGING him to make friends but then getting upset when he wanted to meet them for coffee-and-maybe-sex-we'll-see-how-it-goes. To my mind that's not the same as 'friends' rolleyes: remember we were meant to be a mono couple).
I was never, ever, ever, okay with him having a sexual relationship (be it cybersex, phonesex, webcamming or meeting up) and he knew this, and subsequently 'hid' that aspect of his 'friendships' from me because he realised how upset I got when I found out about it. I felt cheated on, simple as. I should state, as far as I KNOW he never went through with actually meeting anybody physically for sex because I found out in advance (helpful-dumbass-me-here booked the hotel for the woman involved, and when he said he was intending to meet up with her there, and I asked why, you can imagine my hurt and heartbreak at the reply - so it didn't happen)
Maybe that's why he's never liked the idea of me having friends.
If he GENUINELY cannot distinguish between "platonic" friendships and "sexual" friendships - and just figures a "friend you meet for a coffee" is the same as "a friend that you meet for sex" ...perhaps he felt justified in getting rid of anyone who liked me in some sort of retaliation for my being upset with him when he wanted to engage in sexual acts with people outside of our marriage.
Uch. This is such a mess. Does that read as pure naivity?
Surely it's not unreasonable for me to believe that sex isn't the logical conclusion of making friends with people? If that were the case, everyone would be having sex with half the town, and that would be crazy.
I'm second-guessing myself again now.
Maybe his definition of making friends is just a cover-up for him unfairly vetoing my friendships. Maybe by him saying "platonic" and "sexual" friendships are the very same to him, it justifies his behaviour all these years.
Hell, I don't know.
Tomorrow morning, we're going to look into counselling. I think it's required.
imo, this relationship (myself and "monounsaturated") is quite messed up enough without bringing anyone else into it.
As I've said before, if it was purely up to me, from day one it would have been a one-guy-one-gal wholly exclusive monogamous relationship.
Over the years I've been nudged to the side countless times whilst my husband made relationships (online and phone based for the most part) with other people when it was extremely clear at the time that I could tolerate that or 'lose' him. I've never had any reservations or problems with him making friends outside of me...the difficulty came (again and again) because when he likes a person he wants to like every part of them and invariably pushes friendship and platonic affection into a sexually-based relationship.
To me, having a 'friend' that you're merrily calling up for phonesex isn't part of "monogamy" - and for years and years he honestly didn't understand what my 'issue' was with that... because to him I was being unfair by ENCOURAGING him to make friends but then getting upset when he wanted to meet them for coffee-and-maybe-sex-we'll-see-how-it-goes. To my mind that's not the same as 'friends' rolleyes: remember we were meant to be a mono couple).
I was never, ever, ever, okay with him having a sexual relationship (be it cybersex, phonesex, webcamming or meeting up) and he knew this, and subsequently 'hid' that aspect of his 'friendships' from me because he realised how upset I got when I found out about it. I felt cheated on, simple as. I should state, as far as I KNOW he never went through with actually meeting anybody physically for sex because I found out in advance (helpful-dumbass-me-here booked the hotel for the woman involved, and when he said he was intending to meet up with her there, and I asked why, you can imagine my hurt and heartbreak at the reply - so it didn't happen)
Maybe that's why he's never liked the idea of me having friends.
If he GENUINELY cannot distinguish between "platonic" friendships and "sexual" friendships - and just figures a "friend you meet for a coffee" is the same as "a friend that you meet for sex" ...perhaps he felt justified in getting rid of anyone who liked me in some sort of retaliation for my being upset with him when he wanted to engage in sexual acts with people outside of our marriage.
Uch. This is such a mess. Does that read as pure naivity?
Surely it's not unreasonable for me to believe that sex isn't the logical conclusion of making friends with people? If that were the case, everyone would be having sex with half the town, and that would be crazy.
I'm second-guessing myself again now.
Maybe his definition of making friends is just a cover-up for him unfairly vetoing my friendships. Maybe by him saying "platonic" and "sexual" friendships are the very same to him, it justifies his behaviour all these years.
Hell, I don't know.
Tomorrow morning, we're going to look into counselling. I think it's required.
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