fuchka
Active member
Going the distance
I've written scraps of this journal over the last few weeks, much of it lost: false starts (or perhaps too true ones) like the ashy edge of burnt paper, dissolving in drifts of air.
Lobe visited over the long weekend. It was Overdue. We don't do well long distance, we really don't. He says he is sensitive to the unreality of distance. How we rely on memories and imagination, how a person and a relationship so quickly become fantasy. The degeneration is in fast-forward. One minute the theatre is filled with music, costumes, puppets, lights. We are holding hands in our seats, immersed in joyful wonder. Then, the lights go out, we're squeezed out into the street, it's cold, greyscale and the theatre is empty now, and dark. In a moment, the faded paraphenalia is packed away to a back room - marionettes left to hang in lifeless bunches, props haphazardly stashed as if having no hope of ever being needed again - a colourless mound gathering dust.
Wrote this a day or two before he got here:
Seeing him, talking in person, was healing. It's got to be easier, though. The situation has enough challenges without us losing connection after 2-3 weeks of not seeing each other. In the short term, we're going to be in different cities. It's got to work that way, or we should give up, maybe? I feel the energy-sink of it, sometimes. Like I'm constantly at risk of being written off. This time, I asked Lobe: "Please don't forget I'm real." He said: "I'll try not to." I guess that's the best anyone can do.
In other news, Ocean and I are about to rejig living arrangements. We move in about four weeks. There will be a bunch of work to do around that, but we're moving to a place with a garden and compost and a housemate who is rad. I'll have my own room! This is a place I thought I'd be moving to by myself, but due to various reshufflings it turns out Ocean will be moving with me too. I'm glad in a way, because I was afraid I wouldn't see that much of him if we split up our living arrangements between two places (especially two places far from each other). On the other hand, I'm worried he won't like it. It's some distance from the city, and a bit colder... Oh well, it's his decision! I have a tendency to get anxious that I've forced people into a scenario they don't like. But, really, people make their own minds up. It's not all about me.
Grotto's ma and her partner are visiting in a couple of days, for a week. I really want to show them a good time. Coming up to it, I spoke with Grotto about putting off our own shit for a wee bit, just so we can connect and focus on being hosts to family. Could be good for us, too, to look outwards, and work together. That said, we still do need to deal to some deep-seated disconnects. Haven't yet made it to counselling, but it needs to happen. We're good for now, though.
One thing I got to understand about Grotto recently is how little control he feels he has over his emotions. I had been messaging his ma, a couple of months ago, and she asked if she could visit end April. I spoke with Grotto about it, and he said that would be ok. So I conveyed that to her, and she booked tickets. Next I spoke with him about it, he was in a really sluggish mood. It went something like - Me: "Can't wait to see your ma!" Grotto: "ehhh... yeah... [grumblegrumble]..."
I was super confused about it. Also kind of pissed off. Like, if he didn't want to see her, why didn't he say so? Plus, I felt bad, like I had helped engineer a situation that Grotto didn't want, etc. But it's not that he didn't want to see his ma. It's just he was overwhelmed by the Effort of it.
For me, I don't tend to get bogged down by that. If it's something I want to do, I (usually) feel quite upbeat. High energy, even. Grotto isn't like that. Sometimes it's like he's being dragged to the sacrificial altar. I can misinterpret that (unsurprisingly) as him not wanting to make an effort. Maybe even him being lazy, wallowing. I want to yell at him: "come on, dude, cheer the fuck up!" But perhaps he can't much help the slow-moving mud of his moods, just as I can't help my firefly energy and flitting attention.
I've written scraps of this journal over the last few weeks, much of it lost: false starts (or perhaps too true ones) like the ashy edge of burnt paper, dissolving in drifts of air.
Lobe visited over the long weekend. It was Overdue. We don't do well long distance, we really don't. He says he is sensitive to the unreality of distance. How we rely on memories and imagination, how a person and a relationship so quickly become fantasy. The degeneration is in fast-forward. One minute the theatre is filled with music, costumes, puppets, lights. We are holding hands in our seats, immersed in joyful wonder. Then, the lights go out, we're squeezed out into the street, it's cold, greyscale and the theatre is empty now, and dark. In a moment, the faded paraphenalia is packed away to a back room - marionettes left to hang in lifeless bunches, props haphazardly stashed as if having no hope of ever being needed again - a colourless mound gathering dust.
Wrote this a day or two before he got here:
Long distance with Lobe is hard, barely sustainable. We see each other fairly often, considering, but it's... yeah. Hmm.
5 weeks til my work schedule eases up. I'm not good with being patient! And it's surprisingly hard, to put things off til a future time in the hope that it'll be easier, then. It requires too much faith, when you've only had limited experience. Both of us hate the growing sense of surreality each time we're physically distant. It's like we're two ice caps slowly parting ways.
It may be that it's time to admit this is too impractical for even our desires to motivate a solution in the mid-term. Ech. Will see what he's feeling when he gets here. I've lost the threads of him. Reaching, can't catch. This is challenging!
Seeing him, talking in person, was healing. It's got to be easier, though. The situation has enough challenges without us losing connection after 2-3 weeks of not seeing each other. In the short term, we're going to be in different cities. It's got to work that way, or we should give up, maybe? I feel the energy-sink of it, sometimes. Like I'm constantly at risk of being written off. This time, I asked Lobe: "Please don't forget I'm real." He said: "I'll try not to." I guess that's the best anyone can do.
In other news, Ocean and I are about to rejig living arrangements. We move in about four weeks. There will be a bunch of work to do around that, but we're moving to a place with a garden and compost and a housemate who is rad. I'll have my own room! This is a place I thought I'd be moving to by myself, but due to various reshufflings it turns out Ocean will be moving with me too. I'm glad in a way, because I was afraid I wouldn't see that much of him if we split up our living arrangements between two places (especially two places far from each other). On the other hand, I'm worried he won't like it. It's some distance from the city, and a bit colder... Oh well, it's his decision! I have a tendency to get anxious that I've forced people into a scenario they don't like. But, really, people make their own minds up. It's not all about me.
Grotto's ma and her partner are visiting in a couple of days, for a week. I really want to show them a good time. Coming up to it, I spoke with Grotto about putting off our own shit for a wee bit, just so we can connect and focus on being hosts to family. Could be good for us, too, to look outwards, and work together. That said, we still do need to deal to some deep-seated disconnects. Haven't yet made it to counselling, but it needs to happen. We're good for now, though.
One thing I got to understand about Grotto recently is how little control he feels he has over his emotions. I had been messaging his ma, a couple of months ago, and she asked if she could visit end April. I spoke with Grotto about it, and he said that would be ok. So I conveyed that to her, and she booked tickets. Next I spoke with him about it, he was in a really sluggish mood. It went something like - Me: "Can't wait to see your ma!" Grotto: "ehhh... yeah... [grumblegrumble]..."
I was super confused about it. Also kind of pissed off. Like, if he didn't want to see her, why didn't he say so? Plus, I felt bad, like I had helped engineer a situation that Grotto didn't want, etc. But it's not that he didn't want to see his ma. It's just he was overwhelmed by the Effort of it.
For me, I don't tend to get bogged down by that. If it's something I want to do, I (usually) feel quite upbeat. High energy, even. Grotto isn't like that. Sometimes it's like he's being dragged to the sacrificial altar. I can misinterpret that (unsurprisingly) as him not wanting to make an effort. Maybe even him being lazy, wallowing. I want to yell at him: "come on, dude, cheer the fuck up!" But perhaps he can't much help the slow-moving mud of his moods, just as I can't help my firefly energy and flitting attention.