Confused? Frequency changing...

ellie

New member
Need a bit of advice...

Looks like my partner wants to change the frequency we see each other, as we have been fighting alot lately (which has affected our bedroom habits).

We've been seeing each other about 4 days a week (one weekday and the weekend). Dating for a little over a year. I am the primary partner.

He just starting seeing someone else about 2 months ago...and wants to cut our time in half. Meaning go from 4 days down to 2 days. And seeing her 1 day during the week and leaving me for the weekend. He says his reasoning for this is more personal time for himself.

I am so used to seeing him during the week and weekends. I wouldn't mind seeing him 3 days but he thinks we need drastic measures. I just feel like she's the weekday girl and I'm the weekend girl.

I'm just a bit saddned and at a loss for words on what to do about the situation. Any thoughts would be appreicated
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Perhaps broadening your own activities? Hobbies or maybe explore your own new relationships?

Just a thought.
 
I have...we both have pretty busy lives (he works and is a musician on the side, and I have work and other things as well)...

I just wanted to see if this has ever happend to anyone and how they handled it. Considering this is first secondary, in the year we've been dating, (I've had a secondary partner before) I just felt a bit hurt by it I guess. I could fill up my time with many other things, I just had a nagging feeling this wasn't a good sign.
 
I would trust my gut feeling if I were you. It does sound like he might be trying to gradually wean himself out of the relationship with you, regardless of what may or may not be going on with other people.
 
I would trust my gut feeling if I were you. It does sound like he might be trying to gradually wean himself out of the relationship with you, regardless of what may or may not be going on with other people.

I started to feel that way, but he assures me that isn't the case. He's saying absence makes the heart grow fonder. And we are trying this for the month of May to see if it helps us fight less and get us back on track. (I do know he's been stressed out about work and other things). Just have the nagging feeling...and he's always told me the truth. So I'm trying to take it at face value. Just hard to do when someone else is involved.
 
I started to feel that way, but he assures me that isn't the case. He's saying absence makes the heart grow fonder. And we are trying this for the month of May to see if it helps us fight less and get us back on track. (I do know he's been stressed out about work and other things). Just have the nagging feeling...and he's always told me the truth. So I'm trying to take it at face value. Just hard to do when someone else is involved.

Having 2 people in his life, he may well need time to himself. I wouldn't read to much into it unless you start to see other signs.
 
Having 2 people in his life, he may well need time to himself. I wouldn't read to much into it unless you start to see other signs.

Thanks Ariakas...your words are encouraging...I'm trying hard not to read to much into it. I'm sure I would need time to myself as well if I had a secondary...I guess if I see any other signs I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
 
Thanks Ariakas...your words are encouraging...I'm trying hard not to read to much into it. I'm sure I would need time to myself as well if I had a secondary...I guess if I see any other signs I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

I am a very private person who is very very social. I have to consciously make time with friends, family and myself. If I ever find another partner again I would have to ensure I make time for myself :)...

Mono also mentioned it to a degree to. Occupy that time for yourself or your friends :)...might be a good chance to reconnect with other people.

:)
 
I would take what he says as truth until you see otherwise. I know time for myself is my biggest hurdle to cross. Good for him asking for what he needs. It could be a good thing or not. Time will tell. Meanwhile, it could only be better for you to find fun things to occupy that time, as Mono says.
 
I have to agree with others... take him at his word unless you see otherwise. We all need time for ourselves, even if it isn't easy giving it to those we love and want to be with.
 
What I have found is that when you are in a poly lifestyle and you add a new partner or partners, the time available for the primary partner is going to have to decrease. I like to have 4 nights to myself per week which allows 3 nights for my partners. If I add a partner, I am not going to decrease my alone time to fit them in. The time spent with the new partner will have to come out of the 3 nights and that will decrease the time available for my existing partners. :eek:

I guess you are feeling fear of abandonment since you guys have been fighting so much lately and he's probably experiencing NRE with the new person. I agree with everyone else.....find some new things to occupy yourself and maybe work on some of your issues which may contribute to the fighting that you guys have been doing. You know how that is.....I always carry my issues into every relationship until I do my work to resolve my part of the conflicts. :(
 
ironic that getting into a relationship dynamic that is mainly focused around "multiple partners" leaves with you with less time with your partner(s) at times...hahaha. Just a strange observation. Do you guys talk alot? I'm like, what alot other the above people mentioned, a private person who can be very social. If I were you, as long as I was txting him or calling him everyday/every other day i'd be kewl. Just fill up the time with other stuff :p
Something that I did earlier in a previous relationship helped. Me and my g/f made an agreement to write detailed emails sometime before we went to sleep. Writing, even if you aren't a "writer", seems to bring up some deep and truthful thoughts when writing to a loved one, you'd be surprised. Anyway, just a suggestion.
 
What I have found is that when you are in a poly lifestyle and you add a new partner or partners, the time available for the primary partner is going to have to decrease. I like to have 4 nights to myself per week which allows 3 nights for my partners. If I add a partner, I am not going to decrease my alone time to fit them in. The time spent with the new partner will have to come out of the 3 nights and that will decrease the time available for my existing partners. :eek:

I guess you are feeling fear of abandonment since you guys have been fighting so much lately and he's probably experiencing NRE with the new person. I agree with everyone else.....find some new things to occupy yourself and maybe work on some of your issues which may contribute to the fighting that you guys have been doing. You know how that is.....I always carry my issues into every relationship until I do my work to resolve my part of the conflicts. :(

I agree...but I think why I feel so strongly is because she doesn't know about us. He refuses to tell her he's an open relationship...which is one of the main reasons for our fights..

And since the schedule didn't work out for them this week, he is seeing her on Saturday when I see him, so I don't get to see him (he didn't ask, he just told me that this is how it's going to be). He offered another day to "make up" for it, but unfortunately I'm busy with my life.

I don't know, just thought poly relationships would be alot easier then what I'm going through right now:(
 
I have to say that while I agree with most of the above posts that filling your free time and keeping busy is a healthy way to respond in general, I also recognize that the reality of my situation is that I'd be really hurt if I were in your shoes. It may well be rooted in my own insecurities or fear of abandonment, but I have to acknowledge that if my boyfriend started giving away our normally scheduled time to a knew love I'd be upset. Especially if he didn't check in with me about it first.

My boyfriend and I have one night a week that is scheduled as our time and we both value that time. Sometimes we'll mutually agree to include others (the other half of our quad or other friends) but it's definitely something we talk about first. Occasionally special circumstances arise and schedules change. I know that soon we will miss our night so that he can go see a new girlfriend. But it was something we talked about and I was supportive of. Totally different in my opinion. I say this not to add fuel to your fire, but just to let you know I understand how you feel. It may be that you just need to wrestle with your own insecurities and figure out what feelings the changes are bringing up.

Now, as far as the new gf not knowing about you, that sets off red flags for me and changes the ballgame completely. This is not just about insecurities but ethics and trust. Sounds like it's time to have a talk. . .
 
I have to say that while I agree with most of the above posts that filling your free time and keeping busy is a healthy way to respond in general, I also recognize that the reality of my situation is that I'd be really hurt if I were in your shoes. It may well be rooted in my own insecurities or fear of abandonment, but I have to acknowledge that if my boyfriend started giving away our normally scheduled time to a knew love I'd be upset. Especially if he didn't check in with me about it first.

My boyfriend and I have one night a week that is scheduled as our time and we both value that time. Sometimes we'll mutually agree to include others (the other half of our quad or other friends) but it's definitely something we talk about first. Occasionally special circumstances arise and schedules change. I know that soon we will miss our night so that he can go see a new girlfriend. But it was something we talked about and I was supportive of. Totally different in my opinion. I say this not to add fuel to your fire, but just to let you know I understand how you feel. It may be that you just need to wrestle with your own insecurities and figure out what feelings the changes are bringing up.

Now, as far as the new gf not knowing about you, that sets off red flags for me and changes the ballgame completely. This is not just about insecurities but ethics and trust. Sounds like it's time to have a talk. . .

I think I've worked through alot of my insecurites/issues concerning everything. Unfortunately him not telling her regarding our relationship is my hugest one. We have discussed it, and he says if she is around for 6 months, he will tell her and introduce us. To me it's just being sneaky and secretive. I do have stuff around his house and the key to his place so I'm sure she's seen.

Not sure how to approach this subject any more, I don't want to add "fuel to the fire" so to speak. Just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place.
 
he says if she is around for 6 months, he will tell her and introduce us. .

WOW..this is a brutal abuse of a human being. Essentially he is going to use her for his own gratifiaction and if they go past 6 months then she deserves to be made aware of the real situation. Does everyone have a six month probationary period before expecting honesty with him? I would be concerned about what he is not telling you :(

Sorry if this is blunt but I have a hard time hearing about people trying to wrap selfish behavior in a pretty package. I don't care how much they "love" the person they are using and don't want to lose them. I had secrets that could have destroyed my relationship with Redpepper but I told her very early because I love her. I didn't decide hide them until my needs were met...I guess that might be the question here. What are his needs and how are they met without honesty..sounds more like a need for sex rather than a need to share love.
 
Last edited:
WOW..this is a brutal abuse of a human being. Essentially he is going to use her for his own gratifiaction and if they go past 6 months then she deserves to be made aware of the real situation. Does everyone have a six month probationary period before expecting honesty with him? I would be concerned about what he is not telling you :(

Sorry if this is blunt but I have a hard time hearing about people trying to wrap selfish behavior in a pretty package. I don't care how much they "love" the person they are using and don't want to lose them. I had secrets that could have destroyed my relationship with Redpepper but I told her very early because I love her. I didn't decide hide them until my needs were met...I guess that might be the question here. What are his needs and how are they met without honesty..sounds more like a need for sex rather than a need to share love.

I do appreciate your honestly and bluntness, this is what I've been trying to explain to him. But he says he chooses to conduct his affairs as he see fit, and he has told her she is casual and she doesn't ask anything else about the matter. (he basically told me under no uncertain terms that he doesn't want me to micro manage his relationships...)

I don't want anyone to get hurt in the long run, him, me or her for that matter. This is actually the first time he has explored another relationship within ours even though we've been open the whole time.

I feel like I can't even approach the subject anymore because I don't want to fight anymore.
 
I feel like I can't even approach the subject anymore because I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm glad I didn't offend you,

Ask yourself this two questions:

What are the characteristics and attributes that you value in people you love and invest in?

What are the criteria that must be met for someone to deserve your love and affection?
 
I do appreciate your honestly and bluntness, this is what I've been trying to explain to him. But he says he chooses to conduct his affairs as he see fit, and he has told her she is casual and she doesn't ask anything else about the matter. (he basically told me under no uncertain terms that he doesn't want me to micro manage his relationships...)

I don't want anyone to get hurt in the long run, him, me or her for that matter. This is actually the first time he has explored another relationship within ours even though we've been open the whole time.

I feel like I can't even approach the subject anymore because I don't want to fight anymore.

Please tell us what is good about this person and what you get out of staying with him (other than "we're soulmates" or "the sex is mind-blowing").

(Ha, Mono basically beat me to the questions)
 
Back
Top