You say it well yourself. So say it to them. You could tell the adult kids...
We love you. But you are adult now. We feel that we have sacrificed for so many years to provide for them, and now it is time for them to provide for themselves. And that we should now be able to live our lives as we determine is best for us.
And spell it out for the rest -- guess what? Our house. We're the parents, the landlords AND your neighbors.
- As parents -- we love you. But you are grown up and so are we. All adults here can play like adults.
- As landlords -- Here is your rental agreement. Sign lease. Or move out.
- As neighbors -- we try to live nicely side by side. Here is your roomie agreement. Otherwise go complain to the landlord.
The economy is what it is. So if adult kids have to return to the family home -- treat it like business. There's many online templates for rental agreements. Then everyone is playing like grown ups here.
Are we wrong in our thoughts
Nope. Not wrong in your thoughts to want to live your life in peace like you like it in your own home.
So she doesn't like it/acccept it. That's nice. She doesn't have to like the things you do.
Where is problem? She being mean to mom? Rude to BF? Acting out? Otherwise it is just her not being wild about one of her neighbors. So? Live on.
You expect your adult kids to behave politely to guests in your home should they run into BF in your home. If they live in your home? You are their landlord. Don't like paying rent/doing chores in exchange for room/board here? Move out. Buddy up with friends and split an apartment.
Adult kids don't like the comings and goings of the parents and parent guest people in the house? Work it out with the landlord, adjust your attitude, or move out. What else
is there?
Just because this is "a house with adult bedrooms" in it rather than "an apartment building with adult apartments" in it... no different. Out there in the world you STILL deal with the landlord and getting on with the neighbors. You don't have to like the neighbor's dog, their music, their friends. So long as people are maintaining basic polite? You deal. Or you move out. And if you cannot move out? You put up with it.
And guess what? YOU act out? The landlord has a thing called an "eviction notice."
The parent expectation/promise in my home was that parents would help give you a leg up, launchpad you into first flat and then wean you off. My parents helped me move out to my first flat since I was still a college student person with roomies. I worked PT. Each term mom would call me and go "Kid, new term. What's the check this time?" And I'd tell her something like "I need tuition, car insurance... maybe X for rent help. I can do Y for rent, grocery, gas, clothes, books on my own."
Each term I'd try to give her a number less than the time before.
It was a nice/proud day for both of us when she called me up and asked "Hey kid. What's the check this term?" and I could reply "Guess what? Zero. Send me a $0 check for me to hang on MY wall this time. You got your check on
your wall. My wall is naked."
(When I got my first non-family job as a junior in HS she bought the check off me for cash because she wanted to hang it on her wall as the first dollar/paystub I ever earned. So I was ribbing her. )
Your relationship with the kids will change many times over the years. Encourage your young adult children into their adulthood. Not just in their financial independence and chronological age maturity, but
their other maturities too.
How she feels about your polyship and handling those feelings -- that emotional maturity.
How she relates to all of you -- that's her social maturity.
Galagirl