Why do some polys approach monos?

Ariakas

Bosun
I found this on another forum (okc) and was wondering if anyone here had any thoughts or expansions on why? My answer was twofold. (I have expanded my answer a bit since I am more familiar with vbulletin

At this point I would say I am guilty of that. Excluding the fact I do live in a small community in Whistler with no real poly presence, I tend to be attracted to mono's.

My answer is simple, and your statement implies my reasoning. I am newish to poly, and trying to "get with" someone experienced has been interesting since I am a newb. I can't tell you how many times I have seen complaints of new poly's in a bad light. Well, how do you get experience? Find someone either new to poly as well or not even involved yet.

Kind of reminds me of complaints of BDSM. How do you get the experience in order to become a popular M/s when the community itself seems to be very cliquish to the experienced.

Almost seems like a catch 22, loosing battle. Obviously this isnt 100% the case, poly meetings, fetish parties etc are ways "in". But those seem to happen infrequently and personally, I am not overly patient, I don't want to be "open" once a month on the 5th while the sun shines in the north...well you get my meaning. I love flirting, touching and being around people. There are a lot more mono's out there than people actively looking at poly. :)

I might also be lucky living where I live, I have yet to have anyone run away when I say our relationship is open.

So curious, does everyone on here ONLY pickup poly's or do you throw your hat in the mono side and why?
 
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So curious, does everyone on here ONLY pickup poly's or do you throw your hat in the mono side and why?

I would just make one distinction here. Being single does not equal being monogamous. A single person can be poly or mono. The title of the thread is a bit misleading in that sense.
 
When I was looking on okc to meet people to potentially date, I limited myself to people that either listed their relationship status as available or mentioned polyamory in their profile. I don't care whether someone is mono or poly, just so long as they really understand what poly is.
 
When I was looking on okc to meet people to potentially date, I limited myself to people that either listed their relationship status as available or mentioned polyamory in their profile. I don't care whether someone is mono or poly, just so long as they really understand what poly is.

On okc, "available" doesn't mean "single" right? That confused me at first. When I was filling out my profile, they said that if you put yourself as "married or seeing someone" but still had "dating or sex" in your seeking section, it would list you as available.

I had an ad on kijiji and I didn't mention in the ad that I was poly, but I told everyone within the first couple replies that I was married and looking to expand on the love in my life. One person turned and ran, one person was married herself so she was fine with that, and the other person said she was mono but that she wasn't looking for a serious relationship anyway so she didn't think that would be a problem. Oh! And one person was poly!

So to sum up, yes I throw my hat into the mono arena, and mention that I'm not looking for a second life-long partner although if I meet someone and it works out that way, I'm not opposed to it either. (as a side note, I never was looking for a first life-long partner, it just happened that one of the people I was dating turned out to be my soul mate, so that part is nothing new)
 
On okc, "available" doesn't mean "single" right? That confused me at first. When I was filling out my profile, they said that if you put yourself as "married or seeing someone" but still had "dating or sex" in your seeking section, it would list you as available.

Thats correct :)..
 
I don't control who I connect with and fall in love with. If they are poly, they're poly. If they're mono, they're mono.
 
How would we know if someone we (we being us poly folk) are interested in is mono or poly before approaching them and getting to know them?
 
How would we know if someone we (we being us poly folk) are interested in is mono or poly before approaching them and getting to know them?

You mean you don't have "polydar" ? :p
 
clear lines

There are so many people out there, that do not openly admit to being 'ok' with Poly, it`s rather difficult to know ahead of time, if someone is or isn`t.

On OKC, I have had many contacts who seem to legitamately want to explore the idea. While there are some who don't get it, and really just want a piece of ass, ......I believe not everyone is looking solely, to get laid.

We all got to start somewhere.

Only problem I see, is if someone states that they are definetly monogamous, and not interested in a poly dynamic, yet feel persued anyhow.

....and unfortunately, there are jerks in every crowd.
 
Only problem I see, is if someone states that they are definetly monogamous, and not interested in a poly dynamic, yet feel persued anyhow.

Agreed! I would have considered myself mono until I started dating S. She never made me feel like I was being hunted and that is what made my transition to poly possible.
 
@Twig:
I would have considered myself mono until I started dating S. She never made me feel like I was being hunted and that is what made my transition to poly possible.
:D Thanks!
 
I don't control who I connect with and fall in love with. If they are poly, they're poly. If they're mono, they're mono.

Yup. I haven't met many poly people in my area except for a few in meetups, and there's only one that I would consider getting into a relationship with (have a date with her Wednesday!) so I just date monos casually (and honestly!) and if I happen to hit it off with any of them and they want to try being with a poly guy, great. If not, that's fine too.
 
I don't control who I connect with and fall in love with. If they are poly, they're poly. If they're mono, they're mono.

Thank you! Up until I saw your post, I was legitimately confused! I'm not poly as a 'lifestyle' per se. I don't actively seek new relationships. I just kind of...fall in love. And then the people I love make me happy, and I make them happy, and we're all happy until we aren't anymore. Then we break up.

Sometimes, I'm only in love with one person. That doesn't make me monogamous. Sometimes, the person I'm currently with would like me to be with just them for the time being. That still doesn't make me (or them, for that matter!) monogamous. It's very similar to being bisexual, I think, in that I'm bisexual regardless of if I'm dating a woman or a man.

I'm poly all the time. Even if I'm dating one person. Even when I'm single. So how, without asking me, could anyone know that I'm poly? I don't carry a sign. And honestly? If some random dude/chick just...asked me that? Out of the blue? I'd be like "Worst. Pickup line. Ever." If you're interested in ME, then it doesn't matter who I love or who I fuck.

/tangent

So what I'm really getting at is, I don't "approach" monogamous people any more or less than I approach poly people. I love who I love. That's all I know how to do.
 
hmm I recently read an article which I can't seem to find. It was an blog article simply trying to create to labels for poly people. One I believe was Feral and the other I forget (yes I am reaching here, hoping someone else read it and could link to it)

There are those that are passive in their search for love. They wait for it to come by and sweep them off of their feet.

There are those that are active or, I think the term was feral, in how they search for love or connections.

Maybe it is an introvert vs extrovert way of looking at it, maybe not, but I tend to be active. Looking for new people to meet. While I never actively look for a connection per se, I try to put myself out there to as many people as possible to the chances increase of me connecting with people. When I was younger I spent a lot of time NOT interacting with people...I was the odd shaped geeky kid who had a bbs and spent a lot of time playing d&d. Once I started playing football I spent time analyzing the differences in how people interact. I decided then to become extroverted.

Now I suppose the reason I post this is, how do you know if you aren't putting yourself out there? Are you (this is a collective you btw) hoping someone will be more active and come to you? I find leaving things to chance, fate or whatever you want to call it slow and boring. Maybe this deserves its own topic since it is neither a poly question or a question limited to specifically monogamous people :)
 
If you're interested in ME, then it doesn't matter who I love or who I fuck.

Regardless of whether a potential partner is mono or poly, it will probably matter and probably should matter. Disregard for who your partner is fucking is a disregard for your own personal safety....think diseases. Also "who you are fucking and how many you are fucking" will impact many of the things a lot of people associate with commitment i.e availability and sexual fidelity. Being interested in someone may temporarily put the blinders of NRE on but eventually things of logical concern will seep back in.
 
I have to agree Mon.

I am poly-and I am ok with the guys being poly in practice (though they aren't right now).

But there are risks and anyone they were "fucking" probably OUGHT to want to know that they are both fluid bonded with me AND I have herpes......
Meaning-they each MAY also and that they each MAY be able to pass that on to that other person..
AND all the people "fucking" that other person SHOULD want to know that as well.......................:rolleyes:
 
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