Need Advice on Dealing with Jealousy/Mistrust

PLove

New member
My husband and I are just beginning to form a triad with another woman and I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with some of my feelings of jealousy and mistrust. This is our first venture into polyamory and I suspect that part of my problem is because of how the relationship started--my husband was sneaking around with this woman off and on for the past year and had fallen in love with her. I met with her to discuss the situation and we found that there was an attraction between the two of us, as well, so we've been pursuing the whole triad idea.

This past weekend, we were together for the first time sexually, all three of us, and it was without a doubt, the hottest, most erotic experience of my life. There was also an incredible energy/connection between us that showed me the possibilities of this kind of relationship.

At the same time, I find that I'm fighting feelings of fear and worry that because they already had an established relationship and I'm entering it late in the game that they are really just wanting to do their own thing without me. Both my husband and the other woman are assuring me that this is not the case and during our lovemaking, were wonderfully sensitive to how I might be feeling about the whole situation. But because of how the relationship started, I'm having problems completely ridding myself of the negative thoughts. I can't help feeling that if my husband and I had found and pursued her together, rather than me being brought into the relationship later, things would be different in terms of my feelings. But it is what it is and I'm trying to find ways to focus on the positive and not go down the jealousy/mistrust road. I'm also trying to remind myself that I should cut myself some slack--in the last 4 weeks, after a lifetime of monogamy, I've moved from finding out that my husband had an affair with another woman to pursuing a triad with her. That seems pretty good to me.

I'd love advice on how others who have entered into polyamory this way might have dealt with their feelings. Is this a pretty normal reaction to starting this way? How do you move out of these feelings into something more positive?
 
I'd say you're doing extremely well.

Don't be afraid to keep asking for the reassurances that you need. If they're really interested in making this work, they will go at your pace. They've had a whole year to lose your trust; now they need to put in the work that should've been done from the start and help you through your negative feelings.

Negative emotions are perfectly normal, especially given the way you've come to poly. When they happen, acknowledge them, deal with them as best as possible, and try not to worry you're doing something "wrong" just because you're having those feelings. You're not. I don't think anyone around here hasn't had negative emotions in their poly experiences. They're a part of life just like the good ones.

Also, technically, she's entering the game late, assuming you've been with your husband longer than the year they've been together. ;)
 
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Caution.

I can't contribute to heavily on the jealousy issue, other than to suggest that you try to define your jealous feelings in more precise terms that do not use the word "jealousy".

Usually there are underlying issues with jealousy that can be obfuscated by the more general term. Sometimes when someone picks apart what the jealousy means, they can get a better understanding of what their fears, envy or possessive instincts come from.

---

One other point I would raise would be that if it were me, I would take some time and address the breakdown in trust that occurred while your partner was having an affair on the sly. IMHO, there shouldn't be any justifiable reason for that type of dishonesty, and living in a poly relationship demands much more, not less, honesty and communication.
 
Thanks Trucker Pete and Rob Fire for the thoughts.

TP--you're right that she's the one coming in late--my husband and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. I think that in this situation, it's hard for me to not think of it as me being brought into their relationship though, because they are in love and I'm looking at trying to develop my own relationship with her. Although I guess I could also look at it that WE are in love and she's trying to develop a relationship with me. Because of the sneaking around thing, where she knew about me and I didn't know what was going on with her, I think it makes it feel more like I'm the intruder at times, though.

Rob--the feelings of jealousy no doubt are somewhat related to the usual feelings of inadequacy and fear that I think come with anyone embarking on polyamory for the first time, especially if it wasn't something that they sought for themselves. It's hard to shake a lifetime of conditioning that says there's something wrong with you if your partner wants someone else. Not to mention the fact that over the years when my husband has had feelings for other women, it has often turned into discussions about why can't I be more like they are. He has not been doing that here and has apologized for doing that in the past, but, again, it's hard sometimes to shake the past.

I agree that we do need to work on the betrayal of trust and have been doing that. He gets frustrated at times with my time-table and wonders when I'm going to get over my feelings, but I do feel like we're in early days here and that in all fairness it's a lot to expect that I would be over everything in 4 weeks.
 
I agree that we do need to work on the betrayal of trust and have been doing that. He gets frustrated at times with my time-table and wonders when I'm going to get over my feelings, but I do feel like we're in early days here and that in all fairness it's a lot to expect that I would be over everything in 4 weeks.

Oh hell yes! He gets a big ol' slow the eff down while you catch up to everything that's happened in the last month.

And yeah, I totally understood what you meant by coming late to the relationship.

I would suggest you do a tag search for NRE (New Relationship Energy). It sounds like hubby is more than a little blinded at the moment. NRE generally lasts 6-12 months, but sneaking around would have slowed down the natural progression of NRE into a stable state. As well, with your acceptance now on the table, the entire dynamic has changed and there's going to be a burst of NRE with that, as well. I would bet he's got all sorts of bubbly future fantasies going on and needs a bit of a reality check.

If he's open to it, hubby should get on here, too. Don't worry, we won't rail on a cheater-turned-poly who is genuinely trying to make things work. We have a number of senior members who came to poly that way. :)
 
Hi TP--actually he is on here--Hades36--and he's the one who introduced me to this Forum.

You may be right about the NRE. I think that especially after Saturday night it may be picking up and that's another aspect I need to learn how to deal with. I've done some poking around and reading on it and I'm trying to not let that be yet another thing that sends me down the negativity road, but damn--there are a LOT of things to have to adjust to in a short period of time, you know? :)

He's been doing his very best to be sensitive, thoughtful, spending time with me, etc. On one level, I shouldn't have any complaints because he's really being good about it, especially when I look at what some other people have had to deal with. But at the same time, it IS a struggle to see your partner having these feelings for another person, especially when you're struggling to build your own relationship with them and aren't totally sure where it's going.

It's definitely a learning process and one that tests your personal limits, I will say that!
 
Trust

Hi Plove,

One thought occurred to me that may be worth mentioning.

It's important to not confuse TRUST (and respect) with poly, sex or anything else. Although they can be connected they are not the same and have to be looked at and dealt with separately.
We all get our trust violated at some point, some more seriously than others. From little things like what money was spend on to something more substantial like the affair you note. Once that trust is violated there's going to remain a certain amount of suspicion and skepticism for a LONG time - maybe forever. You have to build it back through a string of things where your judgement is tested and proves solid.

Now, that being said, living a poly life has it's own set of complications and the trust is only a part. In my experience only, I've found that once something like this finally comes into the light (affairs etc) and you survive that initial shock and all proceed down the road together, I feel that there will be a much higher degree of openness and therefore potential for trust. And validation of that trust and better judgement. So it can actually help rebuild and reinforce more honesty and openness.

Good luck.

GS
 
On one level, I shouldn't have any complaints because he's really being good about it, especially when I look at what some other people have had to deal with. But at the same time, it IS a struggle to see your partner having these feelings for another person, especially when you're struggling to build your own relationship with them and aren't totally sure where it's going.

He could be doing everything perfectly, and you would still be entitled to feel however you want. He can help mitigate your feelings to some extent, but ultimately, you will work through them and process at your own speed. He is there to support you. Don't either of you be discouraged by what you're feeling; it's taken a lifetime to program your brain in a mono way, so it'll take a bit of work to shift those views.

Your feelings are not neccessairly a reflection of the quality of work that's going into your life right now. Allow yourself the full range of emotions this situation will bring up and use those emotions as tools. Look at your reactions and break them down to determine whether or not there's more work to be done by one or all of you. For example, jealousy can be broken down into several causes - lack of trust, fear of abandonment, etc. Figure out why you're feeling what you are and then work on the core issues.

And yes, you may very well have it easier than some folks, but that in no way diminishes or discounts your experience, your fears, and all that jazz. We only live through our life.
 
TP and GS I think you're both bringing up what, for me, is probably the biggest issue right now--building back the trust that was lost over months of lying to me. Because we've moved so quickly into pursuing this idea of a triad, the trust issues are muddying the waters of trying to build a new and challenging dynamic (polyamory) with two people who were willing to keep secrets from me to pursue their own relationship. I'm hoping, of course, that the lies and secrets were a result of feeling that they couldn't be open with me about this. But I also am beginning to worry that if I don't have the "right" feelings--if I'm not as accommodating and supportive as possible--that they will begin to lie to me again because they don't want to have to deal with my pain and just want the joy of their new relationship.

To this point, I've primarily held my husband responsible for the betrayal, because at the time I wasn't in a relationship with his girlfriend, but now that she is part of our dynamic, I'm realizing that I also have some trust issues with her. She knew about me and was willing to keep seeing him in secret. Even though they were minimally physical with each other, they had enough contact and connection to fall in love behind my back. So there is a part of me that worries that her openness to polyamory at this point is really just a way to keep him in her life. I'm not saying that my feelings are an accurate reflection of what's going on. These are just my concerns.

Compounding the problem is the fact that I don't really know her that well. I like her and obviously feel some kind of connection to her, but she did date my husband for months behind my back, so there is a part of me that feels betrayed by her too. Trust is something that you build up over time with people, and unfortunately my introduction to her was based on a massive betrayal of my trust, so that's a big stumbling point that I haven't really been seeing well.

TP, I think you're right that I need to just let myself have my feelings and recognize that I will have good and bad days around all of this. Although there is some jealousy in this, my bigger issue right now is trust--trusting that they both do want a triad relationship and that they aren't just saying this as an excuse to continue seeing each other without the hassle of secrets; trusting that they aren't seeing each other behind my back; trusting that they are both telling me the truth about their feelings and actions. If I had the trust, then I think that a lot of the jealousy issues would probably go away. I'm not sure that my feelings really are about jealousy. I think they are more about a feeling that I won't know the truth of what's going on so that I can be an equal participant in the relationship with the three of us.

Although my husband and I are a couple because of our history and marriage, they are a couple based on their deceptions. I'm worried that that form of "couple-hood" may supersede my marriage.

I think it can be hard enough to build up trust after there's been an affair in a monogamous relationship, but at least you don't have the other person around and aren't trying to build a relationship with them, too. At this point, I'm basically trying to build a relationship with two people who cheated on me (in a sense), so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that I'm having these issues with trust. And I think I also need to be clearer with myself and with them about the extent to which my discomfort with our changing relationship is about trust as opposed to jealousy. Because they are two different issues with two different strategies for dealing with them.
 
It sounds like you've stated your needs dead on in that last post. Why not show them both?

You're articulate and reasonable. Should go over well enough. :)
 
I don't want to be negative, as you say you are trying to be as positive as possible, but there are some questions I wondered if you had asked yourself. Often people get into triads and in time find that two of the people involved want to spend more time together alone, are more attached at different times than others... a vee can often form out of a triad as two of the members find they are not as attached "that" way as they thought they were or as the NRE wears off.... what are your thoughts on the future if any or all of these scenarios come up?

It sounds like perhaps the new rule for you is that they don't have time together alone. Is this negotiable? A boundary that you have right now? Or is this firm for you? I can understand if it is! After all they deceived you and treated you very poorly. They don't have the integrity to be trusted at the moment. It makes sense to me that you want them in view at all times. I just wondered if you are going to be capable of allowing the natural flow of one on one time to emerge at some point?

It makes me so irratated when people who have cheated think that they should hurry their partners along to get up to speed... grrrr :mad: what is that!? So selfish and uncaring... where is the consideration and compassion for what you have been through with that... take all the time you need PLove, I don't see how either of them have any rights to anything just yet. It's been a month... maybe next year some time they can be a little anxious to get going? Seriously, this is going to take a long time I think... it sounds like his comments on your lack of perfection were the start of something really damaging... and now there is a shit load piled high on top of you that you are suppose to "rush" through?

I think you are going at a good pace and can go at what ever pace you want... you might at some point find you are in need of going slower because I would think some of this will catch you up at some point. The moment they do something or something happens that you perceive is deceitful, you may just halt entirely. That is okay too. It's in your best interest to make damned sure that you are going to be okay in this. There is nothing but time to do that in I think. I would hope that they understand the magnitude of what they have created for all of you and do everything in their power to make it right. Not only for you, but for themselves...
 
TP--I did talk with both of them about the trust issue and they definitely understand where I'm coming from. Writing that here helped me articulate that better for myself and for them.

RedPepper--you bring up some good points. In fairness to both my husband and the new partner, I've been the one to some extent has been "pushing" things in the sense that I'm afraid that if I move too slowly for them, they will just do things behind my back anyway, so I'd rather move quickly but have it out in the open where I can see it. I can see that that is not smart for anyone, but particularly for me.

My husband told me tonight that he's OK with slowing things down--in fact he thinks we need to, not only for me, but also because he needs time himself to really explore where this is going without the pressure of the lies and cheating making him think he has to make some kind of important choice.

The issue of them spending time alone came up tonight too. I feel like I need to give them that time and space to see what's going on, although I won't deny that there's a part of me that's worried about giving that space. It feels like a huge risk right now, but I don't know any other way to handle it.

One thing that has been clear to me is that this has trigged in me feelings that I'm not good enough. Many of these feelings are a result of my own psychology and the issues I have to deal with and I'm working on those. Some of the feelings have been caused by the fact that my husband did communicate to me over the years when he's had "crushes" on other women that it was because I wasn't like them--he wanted me to do or be more like them. So it can be hard to change the messages that I hear, even when he's being clear now that this isn't what he's saying or feeling. Seven and a half years vs. 6 months--it's a time thing.

Ultimately in some ways it feels like I'm trying to control a situation that feels out of control to me. So I say I'm ready for them to have some deeper level of involvement because I think that's what they want, because I'd rather know what I'm dealing with rather than worrying that things are happening behind my back.

It's so hard to separate out right now those parts of my feelings that are my own issues that I need to deal with and those parts that are the issues that they created because of how things started. This then makes it hard for me to know where my responsibilities in this begin and end, and where it's "reasonable" for me to expect certain things of them.

Again--I have to be clear that since the truth was revealed, they have been respectful of my feelings and have not been pushing me. I completely acknowledge and appreciate that. But I know they have their own frustrations too, so trying to balance and accommodate things in this tricky new landscape is a challenge.

Thanks so much for the advice and questions--the more I participate here, the more clarity I get about my own feelings and what I can reasonably expect for myself in this situation. I really appreciate how everyone here is focused on doing the right, loving and respectful thing. That makes a huge difference in helping me see polyamory as a viable life alternative for me.
 
Hi, PLove!
Actually, I think that you're handling this rather well. I'd just like to throw in a few ideas that may or may not be pertinent.

1) Jealousy is something that was sold to most of us as a necessary ingredient of true love. Don't expect to get rid of it overnight.

2) You write that your husband is a member here. Has he read this thread? Have you talked about the comments you're getting here - as well as what you're expressing yourself? Is she on here as well?

3) I'm a big fan of the two more distant members of a V (or in your case a triad) making an effort to get to know and develop their relationship independently of the middle-man (or -woman). How would you feel about a "girls' night out" with her? (Just for starters.)

4) You seem to have dealt with this point positively with your husband, but they both need to be clear that they both cheated on you and they both have to work on regaining/winning your trust. This is not a matter of punishment or paying for their past crimes, but of repairing bridges. Anybody who prefers to drive over a shaky bridge rather than repairing it is asking for trouble.

5) Having said that, I see signs of your husband's maturing. One is accepting his responsibility for the hurt that he's caused you. Another is that instead of asking you to become like the women that he finds (momentarily?) attractive (criticising you), he is accepting that he can't get everything he wants from you, but can love you as you are and get some variety from the other woman. (The serial-monogamous solution was "throw the old banger away and get a new model... then another one... then another one...") Another is agreeing to proceed at your pace.

6) TruckerPete has already mentioned this, but I want to agree: that although you're the one who's new to their relationship, she's the one who's new to yours and his. This isn't one of those cases where one person holds all the aces in their hand. As long as all 3 of you are willing to work on it... to be willing to want to trust each other and build on that hope for a healthier relationship, I think that you stand a fairly good chance. It might - as RedPepper points out - develop into a V. But isn't even that an improvement on being traded in for the new model... or continuing to be cheated on?
 
Hi Mr Far From Right--a couple of responses to your questions.

First--My husband has been reading the thread and I've also been talking with him about my feelings as I process them. We've shared the forum with his GF, but not sure if she's been on here or read anything yet.

Agreed that it makes sense for she and I to spend some time together alone, which is something we're planning to do. We've had drinks together a few times, but I think we need some more intense "bonding time" to get to know one another better as people. Although we're open to the possibility of this being a triad, in reality it's still definitely a vee--she and my husband have the much stronger bond.

I also wholeheartedly agree that we need to work on the trust issues AND that my husband is maturing in this. It's been a process for both of us, breaking out of old ways of doing things and old mindsets.

Probably what has been most valuable to me in this thread is receiving validation from people about the impact that the cheating has had on my thinking. You've all really helped me separate out those aspects of my feelings that are related to needing to rebuild trust and those that are more about my own insecurities. I think that if we can build the trust, moving at a pace that indicates they are willing to work with me on the trust, I can move to a place where I'm comfortable allowing the relationships to evolve in the ways that they need to, including having it be a vee if that's what they want.
 
[...] Although we're open to the possibility of this being a triad, in reality it's still definitely a vee--she and my husband have the much stronger bond.

I also wholeheartedly agree that we need to work on the trust issues AND that my husband is maturing in this. It's been a process for both of us, breaking out of old ways of doing things and old mindsets.

Probably what has been most valuable to me in this thread is receiving validation from people about the impact that the cheating has had on my thinking. You've all really helped me separate out those aspects of my feelings that are related to needing to rebuild trust and those that are more about my own insecurities. I think that if we can build the trust, moving at a pace that indicates they are willing to work with me on the trust, I can move to a place where I'm comfortable allowing the relationships to evolve in the ways that they need to, including having it be a vee if that's what they want.
"she and my husband have the much stronger bond" Do you mean much stronger than the bond between you and her or (in addition to that) much stronger than the bond between you and him? In case you feel the latter, please remember that your bond with him goes back over a longer time. Both you and he should be aware of the inebriating effects of New Relationship Energy (NRE) and take that into account.

Something I left out in my original comment on jealousy (I talked about this on another thread [my second comment here] - with an example from my past - and I think that it's pertinent to your case): I differentiate between jealousy as insecurity and "jealousy" as in a sense of being treated unfairly and shabbily by someone who's supposed to love you. I gather that you've also recognised the distinction between the two. Let's hope that by dealing with the (in my opinion justified) second kind with the other 2 in this thrango [it takes two to tango, it takes three to thrango], you can lessen your hold on the first (less "justified" because you are worth it, so you shouldn't feel insecure [but I KNOW! It takes time...])
 
Mr Far From Right--I was comparing the bond between the GF and my husband and the bond between her and I. They've obviously had a relationship for longer than she and I have and have built up their feelings for one another. She and I are in a very different place that may or may not help all of us evolve into a triad. For now it is definitely a vee.

I hear you on the differences in the two types of jealousy and I do feel like I can see the difference in those. Since things have come out into the open, neither one of them has treated me poorly. In fact, they've tried to be as sensitive as possible. That doesn't negate lingering feelings, of course, from when they were keeping things from me.
 
TP and GS I think you're both bringing up what, for me, is probably the biggest issue right now--building back the trust that was lost over months of lying to me....................

....Trust is something that you build up over time with people, and unfortunately my introduction to her was based on a massive betrayal of my trust, so that's a big stumbling point that I haven't really been seeing well.

............... I'm not sure that my feelings really are about jealousy. I think they are more about a feeling that I won't know the truth of what's going on so that I can be an equal participant in the relationship with the three of us.

.............Although my husband and I are a couple because of our history and marriage, they are a couple based on their deceptions. I'm worried that that form of "couple-hood" may supersede my marriage.


Hi Plove,

Surrounding some of the stuff you wrote (quoted above), I'll just toss out something we've talked about a few times in other places.

I guess you'd call it 'forgiveness'. Or just hitting the RESET button :)

Because here's the deal and this is NO form of cop-out or cheap justification.
When dealing in stuff like this (exploring/balancing multiple attractions/relationships) very, very few people have any experience or point of reference to do it any other way than they've seen it done for millennia.
You hide it - out of fear. Fear of hurting someone you love. Fear of losing them. Fear of simply not knowing how else to proceed with this !

The guilty party here is really ignorance more than anything. If you can find it in your heart to accept this you'll find that the mistrust etc will go away a lot quicker and the trust you now all desire will be a lot easier to build. Because now you believe you can actually sit down and talk about it ! Not have to hide it. Big difference.

We just (in general) don't have the proper background to navigate polyamory in the best way. We've never seen it in action before and nobody taught us how to do it properly. But hopefully that's changing and resources such as this are making a big contribution to that.

So if this makes any sense to you, maybe you can really hit that reset button and start again - forgetting the past. Everyone now has some lessons behind them. Things can be dramatically different in the future - if you can put the past in it's proper place. In the past.

Good luck.

GS
 
GS--really good points here. I very much appreciate that and can see what you're saying. Thanks for giving a different perspective!
 
PLove, I chime in with Mr...Right. Although maybe not a girls' night out, but a girls' weekend out! Do you feel there might be an interest or hobby you share with her that you could pursue together, or would you be willing to develop a one?

I think one of the biggest hurdles in the way of most triads is the idea that WE NEED TO DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER! Or otherwise it's no triad.

Wrong! Although it might feel most comfortable, staying on your comfort zone is basically no longer an option if you are a previously monogamous couple who has decided to explore polyamory. Interacting with two people at the same time, even if it's just talking about inconsequential things, takes up way more energy than one-on-one. Especially if you all the time have to guess at whether somebody is feeling left out, or if the two others are secretly wishing you'd just go away so they can get to it.

Spend relaxed no-pressure time doing something else than processing with each of you partners individually is my advice. Part of the beauty of polyamory for me is that you don't need to like all the things your partner likes and want all the things they want, because both of you can have your needs met elsewhere. This is not an excuse to have a shoddy foundation, but I do find it takes some of the pressure out of dating at least when you don't have to constantly do calculations in your head on whether this is a person you are more compatible with than any other person in the world could ever possibly be.
 
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