How to keep from feeling diminished?

DaCoda

New member
I have been married for 10 Years to Australia and not actively dating anyone.

We have been open off and on for going on four years. This has been more off than on. We are fully committed to living an honest and open life now. My wife is far more successful at this time than I am. This is largely due to her being more social, and my working odd hours and plenty of them. While this caused me some resentment early on, I have learned to be happy for her during this time when things are in her favor, understanding that this will not always be the case as our careers change and grow.

My problem is that I am having a hard time reconciling her new relationships with our relationship. She has enjoyed a handful of relationships ranging from an evening to a couple of months.

The problem I am having is that things between us, and the parts of my relationship that I used to take pride in, are now starting to seem less and less important as I become one in an increasing number of lovers. While I can usually rationalize these insecurities during the day; I have evenings like tonight when I am overwhelmed by these feelings. It seems like every time she shares an experience, be it romantic or sexual, with someone else I feel like any memory of similar experiences between us has been diminished.

I do feel secure in my relationship, but it can be easy to get overwhelmed in the feelings of my smaller self sometimes. Compersion is easy when we are on a double date, but much harder when I find that she has partaken in an activity that had been exclusive to our marriage beforehand. What is some advice, or insight that you can provide to help me in these times? I know I'm not being rational, but a different perspective may help me.
 
I understand what you're saying. You're talking about losing exclusivity. And maybe envy. And some kind of feelings of loss are leading to jealousy too.

There are probably several prongs to finding a more accepting viewpoint.

You've been open for 4 years so you've let go of that monogamous attached at the hip mindset already. You're not into the "You're my one and only" idea.

But if you had pride in having been the one to do X sex act with her, and no one else ever did, or if you've always wanted to try Y sex act, and she wouldn't with you, but did with someone else, that's a a slap in the face. Or if someone took her to an event, or a restaurant you've always wanted to go to, but never got around to it, you might feel envy.

I know that certain guys may have wanted to Dom their partner, and it didn't work, but then their partner goes on to a D/s arrangement with another person. This would hurt! But it all comes down to personality and a certain kind of chemistry. Also, a newer person is less known and more of a mystery, so if he comes on all "domly" from the get-go, D/s might be on the page right away. (Know that not all doms who seem good at first are actually worthy of the title and role. So many doms are just abusive assholes.)

Another aspect is, you don't want to be her one and only. Just like if you had a friend, you wouldn't want to be their only friend! If you were, you'd probably wonder, what is wrong with you to only have one friend? Just like in poly. We don't want only one lover. We realize there are hundreds of people out there who could be a good lover for us. We probably don't believe in soul mates, just one soul mate for us in the entire planet.

So... each person is unique. A trip to Disney with one lover will be a different trip with another lover, or friend, or child, or my aunt. Because each person will react to it differently.

I guess... when my partner Pixi goes somewhere that I think is cool, with her other partner, or does a certain activity, or a sex or kink act, I think it enriches her as a person, makes her more interesting, makes her grow and become more fulfilled and richer, and that enhances my life too. She may tell me some details (and some details she might keep private), and I can enjoy her new experience vicariously.

In my case, it probably helps that I am 22 years older than Pixi, so I've had all those extra years of experiencing things already. Also, if she dates a guy, since we're both girls, of course there are going to be things he brings to her that I can't and never will. Also, sometimes she goes and does things (either in dating or just with friends or colleagues), that as a 41 year old, are physically easy for her, but which I, at 63, with a bad back, might find too taxing. (Or when she was 31 and I was 53, or whatever.) I don't know if you can at all relate to the idea of, You kids go have fun! Because whatever they are doing is just more appropriate for them, you have no desire, or you've been there done that already.

I'm going on and on here. One more idea. When we hook up with one person exclusively, as in today's Western culture, especially when we are mono, we are less secure than if we were in a village where everyone looks out for each other, and for each others' kids and elders. That is how humans are meant to live, in villages. And early humans were quite probably promiscuous as well. Like bonobo chimps. Sex was bonding and stress reducing for the entire tribe. There was no economic reason for monogamy. (Sex at Dawn is a great book that covers this idea thoroughly.) So, if your partner has a couple committed relationships, she's more secure in life than if she just had you. I feel this with Pixi and her long term bf (we've been together 10 years, they've been together 5). He and I aren't competitors, we are both friends of Pixi and make her life "richer" experientially, as well as more secure in general.
 
Consider these:
  • "Too much, too fast". Maybe the change has been to much lately. Maybe it's time to ask your wife to not take on new lovers for a while, while you as a couple work on this issue.
  • "Oversharing." Maybe there are things you actually don't want and need to know. Figure that out as a couple.
These are damage control, however. Try:
  • The issue seems to be that you need to have your own unique things as a couple. If that can't be the old stuff that you've done together, and that she's doing with other lovers too, can you find new things to do together? Like, not in a rigid "this thing will be ours only, you can't do that with anyone else" kind of way, but in a "hey, let's do together something we haven't done yet" way?
    Also, maybe she can help you identify things that are special about just you for her?
  • Do some investigation into this feeling of losing uniqueness. When have you already felt this in the past? What are the fears? What thoughts pop? Go deep, feel it all, see it all. This should help you distinguish the current from the past, the reality from illusion. Then, see if there are any changes you want to make.
I hope that helps a little.
 
Hello DaCoda,

These other lovers your wife has had, they all came into her life *after* you came into her life, right? So in that sense, you will always be *the first.* I don't know if that helps much, but it is one little bit of perspective.

Also I notice you said that the longest she has ever been in a relationship with these other lovers is a couple of months. So for now at least, you are by far the *longest-lasting* of all of her lovers. Ten years is a big difference.

One final bit of perspective (that I can think of) is that as long as you are her husband, there can be no other husbands. Not in the legal/lawful sense. So you are her *only* husband. I don't know if that helps much, but it is one little bit of perspective.

These are all just little things, but maybe taken together they add up to something. Anyway, that's what I was able to think of for you, I hope it helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
We have been open off and on for going on four years. This has been more off than on. We are fully committed to living an honest and open life now. My wife is far more successful at this time than I am. This is largely due to her being more social, and my working odd hours and plenty of them. While this caused me some resentment early on, I have learned to be happy for her during this time when things are in her favor, understanding that this will not always be the case as our careers change and grow.

I think the key part to this is your second sentence more off than on. What looks like you’ve been poly or open for a long period of time when in reality it’s pretty new. And because of how this played out in the last 4 yrs and how your marriage was in those 4 yrs and the preceding 6 yrs you looking at this as same old marriage plus value add. When in reality it’s starting over building a new marriage and right now you’re mourning the loss of the old marriage. The intimate things the made it special.

People here tell of all the things or methods/ rules to replace that feeling of special. Example : no screwing outside lovers on “our “ bed. Or NO dinners at our favorite restaurant ....the one I find the funniest is a specific sex act ...yup that’s going to be enforceable. Personally i think it’s all a head game with yourself the less of that stuff the better. The cold hard fact is the romantic headspace that you to have just your name in it is not got other names. You’re on the team but you’re not the go to guy.


The problem I am having is that things between us, and the parts of my relationship that I used to take pride in, are now starting to seem less and less important as I become one in an increasing number of lovers. While I can usually rationalize these insecurities during the day; I have evenings like tonight when I am overwhelmed by these feelings. It seems like every time she shares an experience, be it romantic or sexual, with someone else I feel like any memory of similar experiences between us has been diminished.

You might want to look up poly hell just to familiarize yourself what’s coming you way and also look for distraction when she goes out on dates. I was told to get a hobby.

Good luck to you
 
I feel like any memory of similar experiences between us has been diminished.

When my kids hug my wife, I don't feel like the hugs between their mom and dad are diminished.

So we know there is some jealousy or envy going on.

You mentioned this is a time when things are easier for her on the intimacy market, and that can change.

For men especially, the older we get - so long as we were wise about money - the better it gets. I am absolutely ashamed of myself and am going to join a monestary real soon for the promiscuity, lol.

So yes: the tables can turn there, and are ever more likely to go your way.
 
Thank you everybody that has contributed.

I am working on reminding myself that things between us are special just because we are together and not focusing on the uniqueness of an activity so much as the fact that it is special when we do it. We went for a drive recently and I reminded myself that a road trip with her is different and special because of her, even though I've been on road trips with other people they are each unique.

There definitely is a sense or mourning, but it is isn't my predominant emotion. The shedding of a monogamous skin is definitely a change that requires reevaluting everything.

We are working on taking time to work on our relationship and making sure we have plenty of communication. We have both made efforts to make sure we get what we need emotionally, and are better now than we were when we were monogamous.
 
Good to hear things are improving a bit. :)
 
I am working on reminding myself that things between us are special just because we are together and not focusing on the uniqueness of an activity so much as the fact that it is special when we do it. We went for a drive recently and I reminded myself that a road trip with her is different and special because of her, even though I've been on road trips with other people they are each unique.

Ah, so like my Disney example! Glad that helped.

There definitely is a sense or mourning, but it is isn't my predominant emotion. The shedding of a monogamous skin is definitely a change that requires reevaluting everything.

We are working on taking time to work on our relationship and making sure we have plenty of communication. We have both made efforts to make sure we get what we need emotionally, and are better now than we were when we were monogamous.

Maybe that's the real issue. It's not what (activity) she was doing with her other people (and it sounds like so far, all her dates have been extremely short term, so there's that...), but, that you wanted more from her in terms of intimacy, talking, and actual dates. That was probably her NRE for the others running rampant. Sometimes, when one feels a good click with someone else, we might have some great dates, some amazing sex, or very long text or phone conversations. Better sex (just because it's new), longer talks than we've had with our established partner for a while. Wooing behavior tends to be intense. It's a hormonal thing.

But good poly requires we don't neglect our beloved established partner and leave them in the dust, so to speak, while we pursue our NRE lalas. That's just rude! We have to learn that NRE is just a huge hormonal buzz, and that the new person may not be as cool as we first think they are, and that we have a tried and true and wonderful loyal person at home who deserves our best.
 
. Wooing behavior tends to be intense. It's a hormonal thing.

But good poly requires we don't neglect our beloved established partner and leave them in the dust, so to speak, while we pursue our NRE lalas. That's just rude! We have to learn that NRE is just a huge hormonal buzz, and that the new person may not be as cool as we first think they are, and that we have a tried and true and wonderful loyal person at home who deserves our best.

Boy, I needed to hear that.

We have something coming up and as always there are rumbles beneath the surface from mama bear, lol.

I bought her flowers a couple of times in the last month, and they had a lot more impact than you'd think, like a guy getting a new power tool or something. There's no figuring women, you just accept they're unappreciative of real beauty, like a camshaft or bearings.

But we were trying to figure out what was going on, we have to watch this little devil real close, this jealousy and envy thing.

So we talked about it directly, boy that was productive! Yet I came away with feeling like I really wanted to do something for her besides just go over the logic of it. How she has to be a "good boss" is how she ended up saying it jokingly. Because that's how we do it: she is in charge of this department.


So to your point: I am going to take her out. Right now. Just a little walk in the forest. We have 80 million acres of wilderness adjoining our homestead.

And it's going to work. Just like the flowers. And it is a reminder too that nobody beats this girl in the woods. A person wouldn't understand how important that is here unless they lived it. A unique set of skills and temperment are required.

But it's all work, unless you make time for a date in the woods.
 
I'm so happy things are improving!

I wanted to pop in and let you know these feelings are normal and that it looks like you're on the right track! New things can feel overwhelming, no matter how long you've been doing things. New situations can always arise.

I live with both my partners; and Z (who I was with 8 years before finding out I'm poly and he's like 25% poly). Shedding the monogamy skin is not always easy. I have to remember to remind him although I do things with both, they feel different and tell him the reasons. To let him know he is still special in a unique way to me and nothing will change that. He needs this more than B, who has always flirted with poly.

I also definitely concur with the other who have suggested slowing things down a bit. I'm a big believer in only go as fast as the slowest person. Everyone is different and everyone needs different amounts of time for things. If that means asking her to have fewer partners, at least temporarily then that's okay!

It's also okay for you to ask to be loved louder so to speak.

Cheers!
 
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