Overnight jealousy

I'm all for people stretching themselves, not trying to own their partner, and dealing with their own emotional baggage. That said, I love my husband and would not do something that causes him the kind of upset that you seem to be experiencing. How do my partner and I deal with these kinds of emotional struggles related to being poly? With kindness and support. If he's not ready for me to stay overnight with a bf, I simply don't do it. And if I need periodic text updates, or a phonecall at some point, or any other security blanket, he does it. I don't understand the brutal approach, and would feel deeply hurt if my partner were to tell me to suck it up and deal with my own feelings on my own. Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you. It's a silly comparison. Staying overnight with a lover is a big fuckin deal to a lot of people, and has its own serious meaning. You're entitled to feel bad and lonely and jealous. A lot of people would.
 
If he's not ready for me to stay overnight with a bf, I simply don't do it.

This is probably because you privilege your marriage over all other relationships. What your boyfriend wants is irrelevant, you do what your husband wants you to. Your needs are even secondary to his.

And if I need periodic text updates, or a phonecall at some point, or any other security blanket, he does it

I think we are all open to help our partners through their little wobbles with things like check ins. The difference with lots of us is that we are not prepared to treat someone else unfairly to help our partner deal with a relationship style they consented to. That's part of being ethical.

I don't understand the brutal approach, and would feel deeply hurt if my partner were to tell me to suck it up and deal with my own feelings on my own.

That's because you are happy to treat other people badly to maintain your marriage. You believe that regardless of the commitment and obligation your husband has developed with someone else, your feelings should always come first, and if that means interrupting his date with his girlfriend because you feel lonely or sad, so be it. He is your husband, she is just borrowing him, right?

Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you

If you truly feel that your relationship is invalidated and threatened by polyamory. If you feel that your partner will replace you with someone else. If you feel that you want your partner to reserve romantic love and affection for you alone. If you don't want things like overnights with other people to be a part of your relationship, then be monogamous or swing or something. You see, polyamory is about having multiple romantic relationships - loving more than one person - it's about having girlfriends, wives, husbands, boyfriends, friends with benefits - all plural. Guess what? Girlfriends and boyfriends like to spend the night together when possible. They like to wake up in each other's arms. Fuck in the morning. Take a shower together. Fuck again. Have breakfast together. And when you agree to polyamory, you are agreeing your partner having that sort of emotional availability with other people. That is what you are consenting to. If you continually struggle with that, stop. Don't try and shrink your brain until that little part of it dies off and you become immune to it. Stop.

You're entitled to feel bad and lonely and jealous. A lot of people would.

No actaully. I think a lot of people who are suited to polyamory might be like "damn, what do I do when I'm alone again", but they wouldn't inherently feel "bad, lonely and jealous". If my relationship style made me feel that negative, I wouldn't be in it.
 
You believe that regardless of the commitment and obligation your husband has developed with someone else, your feelings should always come first, and if that means interrupting his date with his girlfriend because you feel lonely or sad, so be it. He is your husband, she is just borrowing him, right?

Id have to agree with London here, while some things can be hard and i do appreciate my husband feelings, im not going to neglect Nudge's to secure Js. Early on, Nudge and I were on one of our first big dates, out late, and in the midst of it he started a text convo with his spouse...I was not OK with that, we had a long talk. Actually all four of us in our seperate relationships have lots of talks about this, not interrupting the quality time you are spending with someone else you also love.
 
I don't understand the brutal approach, and would feel deeply hurt if my partner were to tell me to suck it up and deal with my own feelings on my own.

I don't hear anyone (including his spouse) being brutal and rude (telling somone to "suck it up" is pretty harsh).

What I see people suggesting is simply the reality of his situation, that his security is an "inside job". Meaning, his wife hopefully treats him with kindness and courtesy but that his feelings are his own and only he has the power to move past this.

Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you. It's a silly comparison.

You missed the point of the comparison. nycindie was pretty clearly trying to ferret out the motivation of the discomfort. Is it just not being used to sleeping on his own, or is it a jealousy and fear of loss/abandonment issue?

If it were simply an issue of not wanting to be alone then how did he handle it when she went away for other (non-lover) excursions? Did he have the same difficulty?

More likely it is related to simple jealousy. There is something attached to the idea of her staying overnight which is bothering him in particular. I have seen swingers with rules about "she always comes home to me" which allows their partner to go have a fling but leaves their illusion of being the "real relationship" in tact.

I expect this is what he's feeling loss for; that she isn't coming home to him and that symbol represents the legitimacy of the relationship.

So... I spent all of the first day she was away masturbating! Yes, 12 hours, only taking breaks for food and water and a short nap. hehe. It was kinda fun, and definitely distracting, but probably doesn't work for most people. :p

Magical !!!

if I was doing a hobby , I would still be missing her while I was doing that hobby :p I tried working out and while I was at the gym with my music playing, I didnt even hear the songs cause my mind was so wrapped up in the fack I knew she wasnt comming home tonight.

What is going on in your head when you are freaking yourself out?

I am skeptical that what you are focusing on is "she won't be next to me tonight", right? I mean, get a body pillow if that's the biggest of your concern. There is something else going on in there which you are obsessing on and causing you all of this grief. Is it fear that she won't come home? Fear that she will replace you? What is it that you are so worried about? What insecurity is being triggered to make you lose sleep?
 
Get a hobby, get a life, read a book, join a support group, improve yourself/deal with your own shit/stop saddling your partner with it = suck it up.

We talked about this when he got in last night. He said it never got easier, and he did it for about 12 years. At some point, he just stifled it and classified it as being accommodating and tolerant of my other relationship. (Key word being tolerant and not accepting. I would not advise any of this at all.) He told me in counselling that he often wondered if being a bachelor and divorced single father of two would be better than dealing with all of this and a career that kept me away when the other relationship did not.

Would it help if you were able to talk to your wife via text or Facetime? I am not saying she should have long drawn out conversations with you and forgo quality time with her other partner, but sometimes it helps to be able to tell the person, "Just thinking about you, missing you, I love you, or I hope you are enjoying yourself."

One of DH's biggest issues was virtually being cut off and only being able to talk to me about our children and emergencies. He wanted to respect my time with her, so the amount of contact between us was limited. This was a hard balance because there were times when I was with her that I missed the hell out of him. Would it have been appropriate to call him and tell him that while sitting in the same room as her? This has its downside, too. I have spent the past several months learning about who he is now, who he became then, and integrating the way my life used to be with the life he was living while I was gone.
 
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Get a hobby, get a life, read a book, join a support group, improve yourself/deal with your own shit/stop saddling your partner with it = suck it up.

Hahah, I stand corrected, Caroline.
 
Just because there is no piece of paper binding Murf and I in the eyes of the govt it doesn't make our relationship on a lesser plane than Butch and I. His wants and needs are just as important .
 
Staying overnight with a lover is not the same as staying overnight at a convention, because there's no fear of being replaced by a convention, and your wife's not giving the love and affection to the convention that you wish she were giving you. It's a silly comparison.
It wasn't meant to be a comparison, silly or otherwise. :cool:

As Marcus said:
nycindie was pretty clearly trying to ferret out the motivation of the discomfort. Is it just not being used to sleeping on his own, or is it a jealousy and fear of loss/abandonment issue?

The OP stated that he is fine with his partner having lovers, but he was puzzled as to why overnights were such a thorn in his side. It also sounded like he is just not used to doing things independently. Hence, my question about how he feels if she is sleeping overnight somewhere for other reasons. The point of what I wrote was to help the OP find the nugget at the core of his discomfort. As Mags suggested, it would be a great way to get more comfortable with each other's autonomy and learn how to occupy themselves when alone, if they both took overnight trips on their own, to see relatives or go to an event, whatever, more often. Then, if one of them spends a night with a lover, it wouldn't seem so out of the ordinary and disorienting, at least in some aspects.

However, Coraline, to what you wrote I gotta say - although some jealousy or envy can be understandable, if anyone who is partnered is so fucked up, fragile, and fearful about being "replaced" by their partner's lover, they've got lots more soul-searching, therapy, and strengthening their trust in each other to do before they even attempt to practice polyamory. It's not for the faint-hearted nor the extremely insecure! Also, letting go of couple-centrism/hierarchy would help!
 
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Personally, when my SO & I first did overnights, we scheduled them so that we both had overnights the first few times. I feel it was a great way to transition. All parties knew the situation. Perhaps we were lucky that we had that opportunity. It definitely allowed us to more gently ease into individual overnights rather than jumping into the deep end where one of us is alone all night.
 
Not everyones SO has another partner. I would never have gotten to have an overnight or long weekend with Murf because my husband is mono. That also would not be fair to Murf to have to always have to regulate his wants and needs by Butch's comfort level. He is not dating Butch.
 
Personally, when my SO & I first did overnights, we scheduled them so that we both had overnights the first few times. I feel it was a great way to transition. All parties knew the situation. Perhaps we were lucky that we had that opportunity. It definitely allowed us to more gently ease into individual overnights rather than jumping into the deep end where one of us is alone all night.

That is a nice practice, but a lot of people cant. J and I have little kids, so someone has to be home with them. We did have one night were J stayed at a party with some friends and Nudge came and stayed with me at home with my kids, maybe J was more comfortable this night but it wasnt the status quo
 
Am I wrong in wanting her to stay home with me and not stay at his place ?

Is it a preference a soft or hard limit?

If this could change over time -- it is a soft limit then. WHAT needs to happen for the limit to relax?

Or if it is a HARD LIMIT that will never change in time for you? Make that known. Then wait for her response.


is there a way to help deal with my jealousy on this issue ?

Which type jealousy are you having? Could see page 5. Could ask her to do page 6. Maybe also look at this jealousy.

Could also talk about polyhell stuff if you are feeling those.


I cant concentrate and on anything but her being gone.

Since other people already suggested keeping busy... I'm going to suggest something else just to give you another option.

Sit with it. Be ok feeling "missing her" type emotions and that fact that it isn't one of the "fun" feelings to feel. Don't rush to stop feeling those things. Just sit with it and examine what they are trying to bring to the surface into your awareness.

Yes. She is gone. Yes. You will miss her.

Yes, ask for what you might need in terms of a check in call or goodnight call or whatever to help. Being punctual about what time she says she will return for instance.

But ultimately? There's is nothing WRONG with missing her and it is appropriate feeling to have when your spouse is gone for a bit. To miss her. Be weird if you DIDN'T miss her one iota.

Instead of fighting how you feel about it, trying to avoid feeling how you feel about it... just sit with it for a time and jsut feel whatever it is you feel. How willing are you to just let it BE FELT?

It's not one of the yummy feelings to feel. But it's part of the price of admission -- when you practice polyshipping, you partner shares their time with other people. Could spend time sitting with it and examining it.

"I miss my partner when she's gone. I don't like this because then I _________. "

(What would you answer? And each time keep tacking on "I don't like this because then I _________. " until you cannot possibly dig down further.)

What turns up as the final sentence? Maybe that exercise could give you some clues.

In the meanwhile... when she gets home ask her to do the aftercare you need for comfort or reassurance. Maybe ask her...

"Please tell me you if had a nice time. Please tell me you appreciate that this was hard for me, but also appreciate that I did it anyway. Please tell me you love me."​

See if you feel better while you are still digesting this new thing.

Galagirl
 
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One thing that has helped us is to normalize the whole thing. LOTS of couples spend time apart for various family, work or friendship reasons. Maybe your partner isn't doing the same things while she's away, but the 'away' part is perfectly normal for a lot of families.

It's been helpful for both me and Mr. D to reach out to our friends when we're home alone (with or without the kids). I HATE being in the house alone -- I swear, it doubles in size without the family here, and suddenly I feel like I'm in a gothic mansion instead of a suburban split level. So the last time he traveled and the kids were gone I crashed a friend's boy's night at the movies, and went to the beach with some girlfriends the next day and stayed over at a friends house after drinking too much wine and eating too many brownies. None of them knew that he was on a date, but it didn't really matter. They did know that I HATED being in the house alone and were more than happy to provide distractions. Mr. D does the same thing when he's single-parenting. It doesn't matter whether I'm on a date or on a work trip, he still sets up supports for himself and makes plans to enjoy the time he has.

If your problem is the relationship it's self, I'd have to place myself firmly in the "suck it up" camp -- it's something it behooves you to learn to get over. But then, most of my relationships are long-distance and overnights are the only way we can have relationships at all. Do I occasionally take the not-quite-indicated-by-my-allergies dose of Benedryl when I'm in that big bed alone and awake thinking about how much fun he's having? You betcha. But then I work through those feelings in the morning because that's *my own* problem and not his, and I am ultimately the person who has to deal with it.
 
Is it a preference a soft or hard limit?

If this could change over time -- it is a soft limit then. WHAT needs to happen for the limit to relax?

Or if it is a HARD LIMIT that will never change in time for you? Make that known. Then wait for her response.




Which type jealousy are you having? Could see page 5. Could ask her to do page 6. Maybe also look at this jealousy.

Could also talk about polyhell stuff if you are feeling those.




Since other people already suggested keeping busy... I'm going to suggest something else just to give you another option.

Sit with it. Be ok feeling "missing her" type emotions and that fact that it isn't one of the "fun" feelings to feel. Don't rush to stop feeling those things. Just sit with it and examine what they are trying to bring to the surface into your awareness.

Yes. She is gone. Yes. You will miss her.

Yes, ask for what you might need in terms of a check in call or goodnight call or whatever to help. Being punctual about what time she says she will return for instance.

But ultimately? There's is nothing WRONG with missing her and it is appropriate feeling to have when your spouse is gone for a bit. To miss her. Be weird if you DIDN'T miss her one iota.

Instead of fighting how you feel about it, trying to avoid feeling how you feel about it... just sit with it for a time and jsut feel whatever it is you feel. How willing are you to just let it BE FELT?

It's not one of the yummy feelings to feel. But it's part of the price of admission -- when you practice polyshipping, you partner shares their time with other people. Could spend time sitting with it and examining it.

"I miss my partner when she's gone. I don't like this because then I _________. "

(What would you answer? And each time keep tacking on "I don't like this because then I _________. " until you cannot possibly dig down further.)

What turns up as the final sentence? Maybe that exercise could give you some clues.

In the meanwhile... when she gets home ask her to do the aftercare you need for comfort or reassurance. Maybe ask her...

"Please tell me you if had a nice time. Please tell me you appreciate that this was hard for me, but also appreciate that I did it anyway. Please tell me you love me."​

See if you feel better while you are still digesting this new thing.

Galagirl

Awesome response , very helpful and thanks very much for your time on this subject :)
 
What are you afraid of loosing? I fought with this same issue and had trial by fire when my wife left the country to travel with a guy for two weeks. I figured out that I was jealous because I was fearful of loosing her to this guy.
 
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