Creating the relationship you want

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

We walked into this totally blindfolded (amazing how you can think you're open, only to discover you still had blinders on) without having discussions about what poly means to us, what we want, and where we want to go.

So when he found someone... it threw me. And through much conversation, tears, stress and anxiety... we've almost come out of this with some clarity.

We have had many discussions (and many more to come) about where we want to be right *now* with this. I recognize that relationships are fluid and changing and that my needs/wants/desires/restrictions/rules may change as well as everyone else's... and we will continue to have those conversations that will adjust us and how we relate to each other.

So when you started your poly journey - how did it all start? How did you get to the point of knowing what worked for you and where you wanted to go? Was it an easy process?
 
I was a strict unicon hunting 3some lover.

I am now involved in a V...am a metamour and well...its complicated.

I had to completely change the "what I wanted" to "be adaptive in my desires"...

I still have dreams...but those are no longer expectations or even on my radar in many cases.
 
I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

So when you started your poly journey - how did it all start? How did you get to the point of knowing what worked for you and where you wanted to go? Was it an easy process?

Are you kidding me??? Easy!! I have lost 10 pounds (9% of body weight!!), had a pounding chest, nausea and swirling tornadoes of emotion for over a month now - obviously, off and on! I truly am not sure why I am still hanging on for dear life....but maybe just maybe I am actually learning something about myself, and changing for the better! Or maybe, I am just F***ED UP!! ;)

I suppose if you really want it, perserverance is good...but truly some moments I am not sure why I want it so much!
 
For me it's been a 7? year process. We started out unicorn hunting, looked into swinging, hit some rough patches with the online dating world, and have now come to a place where things make some sense. It hasn't been easy or quick but we took our time getting to know ourselves and what we really wanted and have come out the other side the better for it.

I never would have thought at the beginning of this journey that opening ourselves up to loving others would result in bringing us closer together. The one thing that this journey has given me is the knowledge that my husband wants to be with me and isn't just settling for what he can get. Give it time, this isn't the kind of thing that you're going to be comfortable with overnight. Keep talking about how you feel and why you feel that way.
 
I talk about this in the first posts to my blog...http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3421 post #3 at least in terms of my beginnings anyway.

We talked about it at our last poly meeting too. Which I also talked about on my blog. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3421&page=18 post #179

I found it interesting that everyone at our poly group seemed to have the common goal and basic need to feel like they "belonged." PN and I talked about it afterwards on our date night the night after. We wondered why "belonging" was different than having a "relationship," or creating "relationships" as we expected it to be.

It came up because I felt so wonderfully warmed to my community and as if they are all my loves. I feel as if I belong to my tribe and have a relationship with them as a group but also with my outer community locally and then again on here... I feel I belong, yet it's different.

So, the definitions of both by thefreedictionary.com are as such:

belonging: Acceptance as a natural member or part, secure relationship affinity

relationship: the state of being connected or related, association by blood or marriage; kinship, the mutual dealings, connections, or feelings that exist between two parties, countries, people, etc

Is "belonging" simply what comes after a "relationship" is formed? After I feel a kinship and have mutual dealings and feel connected and that I can relate, then I will feel I "belong?" Like I have a secure relationship affinity?

If this is so, then I also want and did want to "belong" somewhere. I wanted to "belong" to my loves, many loves... a whole slew of people who love me, beyond my birth family. I wanted chosen family to "belong" to that would live together or closely.... in that I wanted "relationships" with all of them that were loving, rewarding, respectful, connected and on going.

In thinking about it all, I think I have found it and continue to find it over and over again. Not only have I created the "relationships" I want/need, but I have created the "belonging" I need too. Thanks for being a part of that... all of you.
 
I had many talks with my husband about my being "different". It took a while before I put my finger on it, and we talked a lot, negotiated rules, etc.
It ended up not working for us that well as one of us would always feel like they had the raw end of the deal.
When I actually met someone it all felt more natural. Constant communication is what works for us, much better than any hard-set rules.
 
I don't think you could even come close to saying it was an easy process for us.

We were a monogamous couple for 18 years, aware of poly but not interested. We decided to give poly a try...well, it's complicated. Emotions were right, people were right. But at no point in the process has it been easy. We read books, we researched online, we had endless hours of conversation. The first time Easy was with Asha, I lost it, I was totally not prepared. I had asked them to take it slow, but I had failed to define slow. The first time I was with Sunday, Asha lost it. (Most. Miserable. Birthday. Ever.) She felt rejected by him, for various reasons. It's been painful, it's been crazy, it's been up and down and all around. There have definitely been a number of things that we've had to put away for later perusal and real life has definitely left some of us waiting while others rushed around taking care of business.

The best things that have worked for us are: learning to communicate clearly what we need, carefully identifying what we need, and never never never keeping secrets. It's important to note that right now, no one is being intimate outside of their primary relationships--no one has time, and there have been some outside emotional issues that would make it seem like a bad idea. But that also means that we're not dealing with issues that we had earlier in the relationship because they simply aren't happening.

The bottom line is of course it wasn't easy. We thought we were prepared and we weren't. But starting my marriage with Easy wasn't easy, either--there's always going to be adjustments that need to be made. It's a learning process.
 
Ummmmmmmmm

I'm not convinced you can "create" a relationship ? At least I can't recall hearing of one developing that way. But maybe it's possible ?

From what I've (and many others I know) seen, it seems more a question of "discovering" a relationship and then having to learn the skills necessary to nurture it.

As to where you 'want to be', I think that changes over time and circumstances and evolves.

For us as a primary couple, although in out hearts we always understand what's called 'poly' now, the practical parts of it like most everyone were beyond our experience. So we stumbled, fumbled, cried, screamed, got depressed, got ecstatic, became settled ............all of it.
If we had had a resource like this it probably would have made it a lot easier. But you still have to 'live' it to learn it in the end.

Develop a thicker skin. Smile more. Understand that all things must pass........

GS
 
Ummmmmmmmm

I'm not convinced you can "create" a relationship ? At least I can't recall hearing of one developing that way. But maybe it's possible ?

I totally created my marriage.

I sat down one day, thought about the personality traits of the person I was looking for. I wrote them down.

When I met my (now) husband, as I got to know him - I realized - he had EVERY SINGLE ONE of those personality traits that I was looking for. I still have that original piece of paper - and it still amazes me how closely he is aligned to that.

I created the relationship I wanted. I defined who I was looking for - and I found him. And we've been together for 12.5 years.

So in creating what poly looks like for me - I am not closed to different relationships - but am looking to define what works for me and my values and my life.
 
That's hilarious, marksbabygirl! On the completely opposite side of you, I marvel every day at how Easy was NOTHING like anyone I'd ever dated and not even close to my "type". But he's got lots of qualities that I never knew I needed!

This thread haunted me last night, as it seemed to paint a really bleak picture of how hard the work in a poly relationship is. But I wanted to point out that as hard as it's been, there have been many, many perks, as well. Learning to communicate has improved my relationship with Easy a hundredfold. I learned to clearly ask for things that I really needed and to recognize when I was being unreasonable--previously I just sulked and was depressed and resentful when he didn't read my mind or when I had unrealistic expectations. Another good thing is that (I hope) I'm modeling a more mature behavior pattern for my children, who will (hopefully) grow up to have healthier relationships as a result. As for the quad, even with all of our downs, we still have plenty of ups, and we're still a family. We rely on each other and share good times as a family. All in all, even though growing and learning caused by poly is painful, I'd definitely have to say that it's worth it.
 
I totally created my marriage.

Well ! See.......there's an example. So maybe it is possible ?
I'm mostly skeptical because of the many people I've seen try this approach and spend years of their life in pursuit of the 'relationship by specification'. Not so lucky as you appear to have been ? A person that met your specs happened to come into your circle some way. It happened.

But even then, I think I'd love to be a mouse in the corner in your house :)

GS
 
Well ! See.......there's an example. So maybe it is possible ?

But even then, I think I'd love to be a mouse in the corner in your house :)

GS

Hmmmm nobody and nothing is perfect - but we are well suited to each other.

Right now - I need to do some mediation and soul searching - figure out what it is that *I* want - and how it will fit in with my life.

I am the sum of my choices - I created my life exactly as it is. Had I made different choices - I'd be in a different place.

That doesn't say there isn't work and effort to get things in a good place :)
 
Some aspects are easy...

My husband and I started out with an open relationship that evolved into being poly when I found a guy I totally fell for and wanted around all the time. It is pretty easy to take on two partners when both of them are naturally adept at sharing...
For the past 5+ years I have had a polyamorous relationship but I have never had to share a man emotionally. That is happening right now for the first time. The pain from it is the only reason I even found this site. It happened all wrong, without the proper boundaries discussed. It sounds like you are going through much the same thing I am.
It's not easy. I have been very depressed the past couple weeks (barely eating, staying up till sunrise, getting angry at everything, crying randomly). It's also my boyfriend's first time having two women, so he doesn't know what he is doing either, which I imagine just makes this that much harder.

I have recently posted my story in the "new to polyamory" section under "I am here because I am hurting" if you are interested.
 
Easy? Not at all! I sorta "rolled" into my journey! I was at a snuggle party. About 16 of us were spooning on the floor -- we all decided to roll over. I was slower & this awesome guy rolled over -- it was love at first site for me. I haven't regreted a moment but it hasn't been easy. But I have grown tremedously as a person because of it! Right now, he's my beloved BUT he's married & has several terciaries. I am open to other loves & have several men in my life I love but am not sexual with. I know when the time is right, it will happen. For now, I'm learning as much as I can so I can be ready to add to the "family". His wife & I are becoming better friends and THIS is very important to me. I stay with them several days a week. He stays with me in the guest room when I'm there. When friends come over, they ask if his wife & I are related - our personalities are similar & we laugh a lot together. On Sunday, I almost answered "only by marriage" but didn't!! Their wedding vows were poly in nature. They included "Future Lovers" - so he told me I was there & am in their marriage. Some else asked me "so do you also live here?" We laughed & I said sometimes! With every visit, I get closer & closer. I'm finally trusting in the fact -- they are my family!
There is a lot of communication -- I've had chats with his wife, making sure she knows my preference is she & I keep open lines of communication - that I never wish to step on her toes, as it were!
Easy? No Any regrets being in a poly relationship - NOT IN THE LEAST! I'm happier then I've ever been! I have more love in my heart & in my life -- I love it!
 
Back
Top