How to communicate in a poly relationship

. Especially in light of our new situation of having no babysitters. Child care is an issue and we are entering a new phase of one of us having to stay home with the boy.

What about your husband's parents? You said they were cool with your lifestyle choices.
 
They are cool with it, but there are some issues with alcohol abuse and the fact that they have always told us they will call when they want to see him. Which is hardly ever and not enough for my boy and certainly not enough to consider it child care...

Now everyone is in it for themselves, not to help us out or to consider what is right for our boy. Just what they have time for and when it's convenient. Not that I think I have the right to complain, just stating the facts really.
 
Now everyone is in it for themselves, not to help us out or to consider what is right for our boy. Just what they have time for and when it's convenient. Not that I think I have the right to complain, just stating the facts really.

This is so an issue in my life as well. My parents live close by but mom still works and dad has too many anger issues to be considered a responsible babysitter. They just stick him in front of the TV so I have stopped asking. N's mom is a recovering alcoholic that I never feel quite comfortable leaving our son with, though I do maybe once every couple of months. And now with the new one coming I feel like we may never meet someone again.
 
Ah:(. You will met someone. You are just at a time when it seems unlikely. The kids will get older and you will become more freed up. Enjoy them when they are little, as they say. They grow up fast and you will have your life back. You'll be good and ready by then!
 
This doesn't really have anything to do with the thread. But my son told me yesterday he was going to marry two girls when he grew up because he always loves so many people all at the same time.
 
kids

I am new to the forum, so I don't really know if I should just jump right in, but here goes.

I too am in the same type of relationship, but our V are two women and one man. We have adult children. Six in total. I can't say it has been all sunshine and roses with our children, but they love us and are trying. I think the biggest concern for my partners' children was whether Mom and Dad are okay. Does my being there mean they love each other less? No. But things are different.

As for our families. Some know, some suspect and some have no clue. Mine have no clue. There are family members who have asked outright. They deserve the truth. We don't try to justify. We just state the truth as we know it to be for us.

As for the outside world. There is no doubt people suspect. We don't make a concious effort to hide it. If asked, we tell the truth. Which brings up alot of questions. Some that are asked because of genuine curiosity and interest, and some (mostly from men) because they want to know how we work out our sexlife. The questions asked because of genuine interest we answer. The others we don't.

We haven't found any hard and set rules for what is right and wrong. But we know to deny what we share takes away from all of us.

Are we ready to tell the whole world. Hell no. But we're figuring it out as we go along.
I am interested in knowing how the adults did with the relationship as teenagers? What struggles were you faced with? Was it hard for the "solo" person at weddings, graduations etc.. What about the kids partners families, friends etc..
 
We have only been in our relationship as a V for three years, and the youngest of our children is now 21. So we weren't together when they are teenagers.

I can tell you that my daughter had a baby 2 years ago, and I wouldn't have made it through the delivery if Sea hadn't been with me. From the second our granddaughter was born, Sea and Tommyc have been just as much her grandparent as I am. She calls them amma and papa, just as she calls me amma. Papa has looked after her while both amma's have been at work. If our Gracie can't be with me, then she'll be with amma Sea or papa.

Is it hard to the single. Sometimes. I've sat in the front row when their oldest daughter got married a month ago, but have never been invited to her new husbands birthday party and there have been a few since we have been together. But I also realize that's not about me, that's about their daughters comfort level.

I've had one of their sons completely ignore me. I didn't take it personally. He's the oldest of the children, and doesn't live around us. But with time he has asked my opinion, and respects that I am a part of not only their lives, but his as well. I've spent many hours with another of their children listening to his woes, and telling him he's a dumbass. The same child challenged me just before the wedding because he was trying to make a point to his older brother. His parents remained silent and allowed me to deal with it, because they know I love him, but he owes me his respect. I have never disrespected any of our children, and will not allow disrespect for me or his parents.

I've also seen Sea tell my daughter that she was wrong speaking to me the way she has. I have asked Tommyc to talk to my daughter when she wouldn't listen to me, and knew she would listen to him.

It hasn't been easy. But love is love. Our children know love when they see it, and it doesn't matter where it comes from, as long as it's there.

I feel blessed to be the other mother for Sea and Tommyc's children, and I know that my children love them as their parents. I have often heard our children refer to me or Sea as the other mother.

There will be other children born, and more marriages to come. We will be there together trying to figure it out. I don't think any of us believe's it will be easy, but we know it's where we want to be.
 
Thanks RP. When we started our relationship, both Sea and tommyc told me the more love you receive, the more love you have to give. It took me awhile to believe that, but I truly do. Our children are learning it too. I think that's why they are able to put up with us.
 
the more love you receive, the more love you have to give.

For me it works the other way better... the more love I give the more I receive. I think it becomes a cycle then, a beautiful circle of love and happiness created by me. Of course receiving love then becomes my drive to give more... the trick is to realize that giving love sometimes means being confident, communicative of feelings and boundaries and standing firm in ones convictions... having integrity and good ethics. If one is too flakey about their love of others it isn't believable love.

Besides this it's important to take the time to show love by being concerned, empathetic and making an effort to let people know that you love them... this means being selfless sometimes so that we can receive.

It's all so very tricky, but oh so worth the effort.
 
You explained that beautifully. Thank you. Looking at it from the other side makes me realize that you are perfectly correct. If I give more, I receive more. It's funny how taking the same words and changing the order in which they are spoken puts a whole new light on things.
 
I couldn't agree more , that it really is about the comfort level. I try and remind myself that if I am ok with all of this than I really need to get over worrying if anybody is ok with what I choose for my life.If they are not comfortable than they need to do whatever they need to do


I think the more you are ok with the situation , the more everyone around you is. When they sense an uneasiness with the situation, they get analytical and uncomfortable.
 
I'm finding that my own comfort level changes with each person and situation. My daughter informed me very casually that all of her friends know about my relationship with Sea and tommyc. To say the least I was a little taken aback. It wasn't that we had ever tried to hide it. I just didn't realize that we were being so obvious.

Of course my concern was for her. How did she deal with the questions? Was she embarassed? Don't feel like you have to defend our relationship. Just tell people that your Mom is an adult and she makes her own choices. It's no reflection on her. After she calmed me down, she told me her friends don't care. They see that I'm happy, and it doesn't change how any of them feel towards me. I wonder how in the world I raised such a tolerant child.

The ironic part of the situation. I was invited to my daughter's best friends wedding this summer, and it never occurred to me that they would treat me any differently. I don't know if that comes from the comfort of believing in the relationship I share with Sea and tommyc, or the comfort my daughter feels in our relationship. I guess it doesn't really matter where it's coming from. Just that it's there.
 
do all three of you live together? Has this caused "issues" within your community? your families? do you get lots of questions and raised eyebrows? what is your standard answer?

(I am new to this forum so you may have already given this info in previous posts)
 
I too am new to the forum, and relatively new to poly as well. We live in a very small town. A town where there are alot more people living a swinging lifestyle then you would think. We don't live in the lifestyle, but that's how it all began. What started out as casual and just having fun, has turned into so much more. None of us were looking for what we've found. I can't say for sure that we are the only people living a poly life here, but if I were to guess from the whispers and pointed fingers, that we are. It's okay to be married and have multiple partners, but a little different to be married and have just one person who is so intimately involved in all aspects of your life. People can be funny that way.

We don't live together. Sea and Tommyc live in their house across town, and I live in an apartment downtown. We spend every weekend together. That could be 2 days, 3 days, or sometimes even 4. We try to fit an entire "week" into our weekend. I have my own room there. "Our" granddaughter has her own room there. When some of our out of town children come to visit, they know that my room is mine, whether I'm there or not. It is as much my home as theirs. I do laundry, dishes, wash floors. I've helped Sea paint pretty much the entire house indoors. We've reno'd the kitchen and bathroom together. I just don't happen to live there during the week.

Going out is another matter entirely. When Sea and I go out shopping together, we will often discuss what's in the fridge "at home". Although we are both straight, we do give off the vibe of being a couple. How could we not, we are 2 of 3.

For a long time the three of us stopped going out to clubs/bars at night. We felt we couldn't be ourselves if we were out in public. Tommyc likes to kiss us both, and doesn't care who's watching. Sea and I were worried about working with the public and having stories or rumors getting back to our employers or God forbid our children. Now that our children know what our relationship is, we no longer have to worry about our behaviour being a reflection on them. As far as our employers go. Sea has checked with her company policy, and I'm not working right now. Tommyc doesn't care who knows.

We have since started going back out again at night. We can't spend all our time alone. I am a very social person, and as much I love spending time with them alone, we all need to spend time with other people. We go out as ourselves. Three people in a relationship. We are proud of who we are and what we share. We wear matching Claddah rings on our right hand. We have had people ask genunine questions. We had people ask ignorant questions. We have had people see us downtown during the week, and point their fingers at us, because they may have seen us out the previous weekend. We don't take those people home with us, so their opinion has no meaning for us. As long as the people that mean anything to you in your life, love you, the rest will be worked out. Everyone has their own level of experience and acceptance. If you can't accept my choices, then at least respect them, as I do yours. My 23 year old daughter has a new boyfriend. He's 37. A year ago, I would have lost it. Now, I just accept. I have a wait and see attitude. If she can be so accepting of our relationship, how can I not at least try to accept hers. So i'm reserving opinion at the moment.

It has been a wonderful learning experience for us all. It's hasn't all been great. We still have many issues to deal with, but we're doing it with open minds and open hearts. Sea and I have more issues with each other then Tommyc has with either of us, or both of us put together. Finding the forum has helped me to look into myself, and see where my insecurities are coming from. We've been doing this alone for 3 years, with no one to talk to. We have made huge errors in judgement. We go back and do it all over again. Sometimes we get it right, and sometimes we make the exact same mistake again. But we keep trying.
 
I find that you and I have a lot in common and I wanted to ask you for your advice/comments. I have been in a V for about 7 years. I am married and have a "friend". They are both my partners but we are all straight! We do live together which is really where our problems usually arise. In the beginning the party line was he went through a divorce and the living situations helped him out and we all benefited as a family in addition to sharing expenses etc.. I have small children who adore him and see him as family. His children visit and we all get a long great. That is until the outside world places judgement and asks lots of questions because they think we or I am weird to have another man living in my home. some most think I am having an affair on my husband? I think my family thought eventually he would move on with his life so to speak, get and want his own place as well as get his own girlfriend. We dont tell anyone the real deal because quite honestly it is no one else's business. Our kids are healthy and happy and so are we so why is that not enough for the rest of the world. We don't feel the need to be obvious, anyone around us sees that we are very very good friends and we have so much fun together as 3 as well as when it is all of us and the kids. I have been struggling lately because I often feel paranoid about how everyone views us. We are very active in the community, sports , public jobs etc.. and sometimes questions make me uncomfortable. We have recently talked about if I would maybe feel better if we both had different home bases. My husband and my partner are against that unless it will make me happier. I just cant wrap my head around feeling normal in this society. They both have the attitude like who cares about any of that, it is not important and can shrug it off, but me being the female is the one who has to deal with all of the questions not them. Any advice???
 
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