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Old 07-19-2018, 04:01 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,490

Feeling better today. I went to meet up with a few people from the Voodoo community and had a really good bison burger on the front patio of this bar on the west side. Fun, funky little "old town" vibe in that area, lots of little galleries and antiques and such. Colorful characters walking around on the sidewalks. Good conversation, good energy. I needed that I think.

I come off these moods feeling very much like I was a whiny, petulant pain in the ass when I was in the middle of those feels. Like I need to work harder at being ok, so I don't put more stress on Zen's plate, something he's got to manage. But then too...I need to be able to ask for some affirmation from him when I need it, somehow? I don't expect him to read my mind. That's a bit of a vicious circle in my head, when I feel like I just need to hear him tell me that he desires and enjoys me but if I ask for that somehow I'm being high maintenance and needy, but if I don't ask for it, I'm not giving him the chance to know what I need... And he does not share my "words of affirmation" love language as a high priority, he's a "touch" guy I think, so...that whole thing is...a thing. Gets me twisted up now and then. And for whatever reason, my moodiness is not pre-menstrual like most women, it's just after (hence, the last couple of days.)

So here I am, feeling more or less better. Wishing sometimes I lived with a brain that had less irritating emotional BS swirling around it it, whether it's hormonal, life-programming, or relationship related. *sigh*

On another note, I saw again this billboard I find funny. It says in great big letters, "DO YOU STRUGGLE WITH PORN? So do 65% of the men in church!" and then a website for this churchy anti-porn organization called "Blazing Grace" which frankly in a state with legal pot, they could have chosen a different name. Because I'm pretty sure the weed people refer to smoking as "blazing" sometimes, and it just sounds like some kind of weed church. But I told a friend at one point I was tempted to go to a meeting and say,

"I am so glad you're here to help, yes I DO struggle with porn. See, I want to enjoy it, my boyfriend does and other people, normal people, seem to just love it, but I try and try and rarely find any that I can get into. I get so distracted by various things, it's like

Who did her hair?
Why is she making that weird noise? Do guys think that's hot? Does anyone think that's hot?
That position looks very uncomfortable, I think I'd have a leg cramp within seconds...
Don't put that...oh...oh hell, yeah they put it there. Welp, she's gonna have an infection. Gross.
Could you guys have maybe found a chick who was NOT covered in tattoos to portray the "Nun" in this video? I mean really. It's like you're not even trying.
No, that's how you scrub a pan.
No, simply sticking out your tongue in the general direction of a woman's ladyparts is not going to give her pleasure. That is not how that even works.
That guy needs to reevaluate his facial hair choices. 1976 called and they want their mutton chops back.

...and so you see, I could really use some help. How do you guys get past all of this stuff to actually appreciate porn? It is definitely a struggle for me, and I'm so glad I'm not alone here."
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 16, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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