Minxxa's Little Corner of the World

It is VERY petty, and usually just comes when I'm down and feeling lonely and it feels like I am not getting my needs met so that others can get theirs met and it feels unfair and I want to stomp my feet and complain.

I would not call it petty, it is a very real frustration. What I have found lately, is that if I can share my feelings with my husband while at the same time express empathy for his his time constraints and issues, it makes us both feel better. He knows I'm feeling needy or such, but that I also sympathize that he is being pulled 500 different directions. At this point, he usually appologizes and re-assures me that things will settle down a little by such and such a date. This usually helps me calm down because I know that he actually heard me vs blowing me off as PMSing or such.

It has also helped us to have discussions about what I need to hear from him (and vice versa ) in certain situations, what will let me know that he isn't just blowing me off and takes my need seriously, even if he can't meet them right away. In turn, he lets me know better ways to express my needs without it coming across as whinny and complaining (which he tunes out). These conversations have made an enormous difference in our relationship, especially when things are getting chaotic.
 
I would not call it petty, it is a very real frustration. What I have found lately, is that if I can share my feelings with my husband while at the same time express empathy for his his time constraints and issues, it makes us both feel better. He knows I'm feeling needy or such, but that I also sympathize that he is being pulled 500 different directions. At this point, he usually appologizes and re-assures me that things will settle down a little by such and such a date. This usually helps me calm down because I know that he actually heard me vs blowing me off as PMSing or such.

It has also helped us to have discussions about what I need to hear from him (and vice versa ) in certain situations, what will let me know that he isn't just blowing me off and takes my need seriously, even if he can't meet them right away. In turn, he lets me know better ways to express my needs without it coming across as whinny and complaining (which he tunes out). These conversations have made an enormous difference in our relationship, especially when things are getting chaotic.

Thank you for that. The bolded part is what I REALLY think I need right now. In my head I realize he is in a very difficult situation right now, and I realize why things are the way they are and that they will change. I just need him to tell me that he appreciates my efforts, and we will get to make it up when he gets home. Sometimes I feel like when I bring it up, he's too overloaded with other people's emotions to be able to handle mine and I do feel like he blows me off. Most likely out of necessity, but I think I just need to feel HEARD.

I might not talk to him about it tonight, we'll see, but it is something we'll need to address for the future. Hopefully when he comes home he'll get a little respite from things enough to get a break and some mental rest. Then maybe we can discuss some of these things and get some better tools for the future. Honestly we've made huge progress in the past 5 months. But the combination of the distance and the situation that developed there has just kind of put our progress on hold until he's home. I'm okay with that for now, as it's temporary, but we will definitely need to put some things in place so that we are better prepared to handle things as they come up.
 
I litterally have gone back to my husband a day or hours later and said: "I'm sorry that I was complaining so much, I know you are really stressed out right now. What I really needed to hear was that you do notice and appreciate what I am doing and that you recognize that I am trying to hold out until ____. I need to hear that things will get better."

I was amazed that he did actually do this the next time it or something similar came up and was even more amazed at how much better it really did make me feel. When it looks like I've missed the mark, I have gone to asking him, "When you say such thing, what do you really need from me?"
 
I love how you worded that. I definitely will have to talk to him. We'll see how it goes tonight, but if not tonight, then soon. I'm just really feeling out where he is in his receptability as he is under such tremendous stress right now even a well-worded phrase could be more than he can deal with at any one time. :(

I know it will get better, but I think you're right, I just need to a little recognition for what I'm doing to support him. Sometimes I feel like (or have in past relationships), that the stronger I was and the more I handled things well (even though it wasn't EASY for me, but I did it), the more it was taken for granted. I just need to let him know I don't mind being strong and taking care of my own stuff without him most of the time, but just some acknowledgement that it is WORK, and not always easy, and that he appreciates it, would be nice.
 
This is a new thing for us (after 20 years) and just want to slap my forehead everytime I think of how much better things could have been had we just done this type of thing earlier on. Good luck and hold strong.
 
This is a new thing for us (after 20 years) and just want to slap my forehead everytime I think of how much better things could have been had we just done this type of thing earlier on. Good luck and hold strong.

LOL, I know the feeling! We've been together almost 11 and same thing-- just finally figuring out how to really communicate.

I do still tend to think really hard about what I want to say because we're still learning how to communicate well, and I am trying to be able to say what I need in the most compassionate way. Whenever I just say what I'm feeling, especially when I'm in a frustrated place (like yesterday), it just comes out wrong.

I have been journaling a lot more which has helped a LOT in me being able to sort through the garbage in my head/emotions and weed out the good stuff. I've also been doing hot yoga regularly and that is a GODSEND to my anxiety levels. Even if something's bugging me on the way in, by the time I'm done I'm in a much better position to look at it from a place of rationality and understanding. We're definitely on the right track, though, and I appreciate all of the advice I get here immensely!!
 
So talked with hubs tonight which was nice. Kind of stilted conversation though... I didn't have a lot of new stuff to talk about since I'm basically working and going to school... and since most of everything he's doing now revolves around the GF and we don't talk about her much... well, left the conversation a bit jumpy.

I think that should get better when it gets closer to him being home. And I wished I had more to talk to him about, but really-- went to work, came home, went to school, studied, wrote a paper, hung with kids, pet pupper, went to yoga. That's about all I got right now. LOL...

It did get easier after a bit, but I wonder sometimes about when he gets home. i don't want it to go back to what it was when he left, but how do we bridge that gap. What do we talk about? I'm sure we'll figure it all out...

He's also under a lot of stress, so trying to keep things light for him as well.

I'm gonna have to think on that a bit this week. Try working on some new things for us to talk about... ask some questions.. get to know each other again and where we are now.
 
I've had friends come in for an exchange year up here while in a long-term committed relationship with their partners, and eventually they all complain that Skyping gets old! There's just not so much to talk about. So they play games or watch shows together instead of talking all the time.

If you Skype regularly, you could agree to specific times for talking about relationship stuff and then everyone would be ready and in the mental space to do that, and at other times just keep it light and fun.
 
I've had friends come in for an exchange year up here while in a long-term committed relationship with their partners, and eventually they all complain that Skyping gets old! There's just not so much to talk about. So they play games or watch shows together instead of talking all the time.

If you Skype regularly, you could agree to specific times for talking about relationship stuff and then everyone would be ready and in the mental space to do that, and at other times just keep it light and fun.

Yeah... I can see that happening for sure! We used to get on skype for like 4 hours together... not so much anymore! LOL Interesting that you mentioned games, though. I ended up remembering that there was this game I had bought a friend one time called Table Top Conversations... it's just a box of conversation starter question cards for parties, and I'd gotten her the 1980's edition for her birthday. So I looked it up and they have a couples one with interesting questions... so I bought it. I'm gonna surprise him with it our next Skype date. I figured it would be interesting AND since we're in the getting to know each other all over again phase of our relationship it would be fun.

We don't get much time to Skype really--once a week on Mondays.I race home on Monday and hop on at about 5 my time, which is 8 his time, so MAX 2 hours, usually 1-1/2 before he's getting tired since it's a work day. It's way less than I'd like, but it's better than nothing, and it's definitely something I look forward to. Makes Mondays less sucky, that's for sure!

We don't talk about his other relationship mostly at all anymore. It's just too much of a train wreck waiting to happen, and the only way I can support him is to stay as far away from it as possible, do my best to not worry, and be his support by being strong and not needing him as much. He knows I'm here if he needs me, or to ask questions, but other than that I really am not involved at all.

And as for OUR relationship, we're fine, and any other talking about it has kind of been put on the back burner until he gets home because he doesn't have the emotional energy to really focus on us right now with all that's going on over there. Really, after this weekend, it's only about 2-1/2 weeks until he leaves, so between that situation and tying up all the loose ends at work and handing over stuff to his replacement, he's got his hands full. I can wait. Like he always likes to tell me, we have years ahead together. LOL.

This weekend's going to be different. I think both kids are going up to visit their friends for a couple of days, so I'll be alone in the house! EEEK! :) it's been a few months. I have my final for my class on Saturday morning, so done by 10ish, and then my plan is to go to my old hangout bar and hang with some old friends I haven't gotten to see much lately for a couple of hours, so that will be fun! Other than that I have NO plans. I'm hoping to hook up with my good friend C this weekend, she's been out of town and we haven't gotten to hang in a month or so... but I'm playing that by ear. She seemed a little stressed last time we talked about being a bit overbusy (as usual for her), so I don't want to add to it, but maybe we can sneak in a glass of wine and I can be HER support for a little bit!

And then I'm thinking there will have to be some big time cleaning going on. I need to trim up the front yard, and I need to vacuum the dog hairs from all of the nooks and crannies in the house. Maybe I'll get a couple of good movies to watch while I'm working... sounds like a nice day to me!
 
Talked to hubs a bit on text this morning and it was very nice. :)

He was all apologetic for being down on our last skype date, but really, I get it. Neither of us has anything "new" to discuss... and I can tell when he's seriously stressed and stretched too far.

Interestingly I got an email today talking about how to set good boundaries for yourself. How to ground yourself, and protect yourself from taking on too much of other people's stuff and energy, so you can still be there but not get psychically and emotionally drained. Very timely, for sure! I definitely am learning to do that with him, because in the past I would always let myself and my moods be affected by his. That doesn't do anybody any good. I've gotten a lot better at it, but I don't think he has been doing that at all. I sent it to him in hopes that he will read it as right now he really needs to learn how to be "there" for someone without getting pulled under. I think it's a skill we all need.

Also in the email was this great link to a video on youtube called "How to Be Alone". I thought it was VERY cool.

http://youtu.be/k7X7sZzSXYs
 
In 9 years this past Dec was the first time Karma and I had been apart for more than a weekend. I was really hard on both of us. His relationship with Cricket was ending and I was working and we were apart for almost 3 weeks. Karma hates the phone, it's hard for him to stay engaged in idle chatter. So I started jotting down notes of things to tak about. Cute things our niece did, current news events, I even started checking out new music to appeal to his music obsession. I also would video tape our niece telling him good night and playing and what not. And I'd send little e-mails thoughout the day.

That way it didn't feel like we had to cover certain basis on the phone. And it didn't strain our talking time. We had things to talk about. And it was pretty interesting because even in all out time together, we were learning about eachother. And we've carried into our day to day.

One of big issues was that we tend to sit in the same room and get so consumed in our computers that we didn't talk. So these conversations about current events became our connection outside of the computer. "hey did you see the article on _____. What's your take on it?" I find it interesting how when married for a long time we tend to think we know our partners responses, but I was surprised quite a few times.


Anyway, I know it's hard to be apart, I'm glad your being active in finding things to do with your time.

And good for you for trying to be supportive, yet not get involved in hubby's relationship. I in some ways wish I had that restraint. I'm kind of glad I havent met Karmas new friend, its easier for me to stay out of it not knowing her.
 
Thanks Mohegan! I appreciate the suggestions. I think the hardest part is that over the past three years we've been apart about 19 months. :-(

As he's been away more, and as we were having issues... what to talk about really just got harder. I do think you're right though, learning to talk about new subjects and really get to KNOW each other. I'm actually looking forward to it!

The need to not be involved in his current relationship wasn't willpower. I was involved for a bit. I found out things I didn't want to know. So know I keep my nose out of it!
 
The need to not be involved in his current relationship wasn't willpower. I was involved for a bit. I found out things I didn't want to know. So know I keep my nose out of it!

Ahhh my issue isn't finding things out, it's over stepping boundries. I am a protector. Our friends in both states call me mom, or mother wolf. It doesn't matter who you are, if I feel my man is being wronged I will bare teeth and go off. The problem is that Karma needs me to be a friend, to be able to have a sounding board, much like the forum is for me. So when I hear he isn't being treated well, I'd go off on Cricket. Which just caused them even more issues.

You still deserve props for recognizing you needed to bow out and doing so.
 
Ahhh my issue isn't finding things out, it's over stepping boundries. I am a protector. Our friends in both states call me mom, or mother wolf. It doesn't matter who you are, if I feel my man is being wronged I will bare teeth and go off. The problem is that Karma needs me to be a friend, to be able to have a sounding board, much like the forum is for me. So when I hear he isn't being treated well, I'd go off on Cricket. Which just caused them even more issues.

You still deserve props for recognizing you needed to bow out and doing so.

Yeah, I'm a protector, too... 19 years of raising two children will definitely do that to you. And a worrier... so I see tend to see things that might go wrong. I don't necessarily think they WILL go wrong, but I always feel like if you are aware, then maybe you can be more prepared. Not sure if that's true, but I can't avoid seeing possibilities, so I try to note them, make any changes I can and then go with what's REALLY happening right now.

I did kind of freak out for about a week about the situation. Talked to my counselor (who, by the way, agrees it's a train wreck about to happen), and then sat down with my hubs and talked to him about my concerns, sent a ton of crap for him to read, and then talked one more time about possibilities and being very sure to protect himself. Once I felt he had heard me, read the stuff I sent, and was being aware, then I could back away, as the decision to stay in this situation is his, and not mine to make.

He has about 22 or so days left until he leaves where he is. I most likely won't breathe easy or sleep well until then. I have better days where I just don't think about it, and I'm doing a lot of self care and anxiety busters (like yoga), which helps a ton. I actually had a pretty brutal nightmare last week on Monday about it all going wrong and it was pretty horrific. Nothing like anxiety when you sleep! Erg!

I am fairly certain, though, that the concern won't go away until he's completely away from things. Even then, though... I probably won't fully be convinced things are all right for a month or two after he's home.
 
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Hi!

I've got to run but just wanted to say I read your journal, and I really enjoy your analytical writing style. There seems to be a lot of growth going on both for you and for your relationship with hubby. I'm sure it's a lot of work, but it propably helps you've got such a good grasp on things. :)

I have made the same realisation about myself that you wrote about earlier (some months back): that I need to recognise my own needs and speak up, and have my own boundaries. I, too, tend to ignore what I need, particularly if it clashes with somebody else's needs. But now that I've noticed this, it's easier to do something about it.

I was just wondering, do you think you are doing it now? It's good that you understand your husband's situation with all the stress he's in. But you're also feeling that you need more communication, and that's not being met. So, in practice, aren't everybody else's needs coming before your's again? I'm not saying this is what's going on. :) I just I know it's an easy trap to fall into. There is sometimes a feel in your texts that you actually DO need more than you're getting, but you are trying not to, because you symphatise with your hubby's situation. However, it might help him more for somebody to tell him that he can change the situation, not just so you can get more from him, but for him to be able to set his own boundaries with his girlfriend, mother and sister. There is a problem in them being needy, but there is also the problem of him enabling them to be, enough to drain all his energy. Don't you think?
 
I've got to run but just wanted to say I read your journal, and I really enjoy your analytical writing style. There seems to be a lot of growth going on both for you and for your relationship with hubby. I'm sure it's a lot of work, but it propably helps you've got such a good grasp on things. :)

Well, thank you! I do have a decent grasp sometimes, but I have to say that I can go back and forth. Intellectually I can know something and still my emotions are all over the place about it. One thing, though, that I've always been good at is at least looking at my emotions and reactions and figuring them out and trying to learn from them. It's taken a long time, and I definitely have a ton more work to do!

I have made the same realisation about myself that you wrote about earlier (some months back): that I need to recognise my own needs and speak up, and have my own boundaries. I, too, tend to ignore what I need, particularly if it clashes with somebody else's needs. But now that I've noticed this, it's easier to do something about it.

I was just wondering, do you think you are doing it now? It's good that you understand your husband's situation with all the stress he's in. But you're also feeling that you need more communication, and that's not being met. So, in practice, aren't everybody else's needs coming before your's again? I'm not saying this is what's going on. :) I just I know it's an easy trap to fall into. There is sometimes a feel in your texts that you actually DO need more than you're getting, but you are trying not to, because you symphatise with your hubby's situation. However, it might help him more for somebody to tell him that he can change the situation, not just so you can get more from him, but for him to be able to set his own boundaries with his girlfriend, mother and sister. There is a problem in them being needy, but there is also the problem of him enabling them to be, enough to drain all his energy. Don't you think?

I just gave some thought to this very thing over the past week and weekend. I decided that I have been good about voicing my needs, but yes I have been very selective about what I REALLY need for the next few weeks until he gets home. I feel like this is a good mixture between getting ALL my needs met, and asking for more than he can do right now. It's a compromise, but a good one.

And I have to say that this past week our communication has been getting better. He's been texting me more, we talked on the phone a bit this afternoon. So it's been good.

As for boundaries with his other ladies, he's been talking more with his daughter and setting SOME boundaries as well. He talked to his mom and basically told her that he will call her, but he's on deployment and can't always talk as much as she'd like. And as for his GF.. well, that's a lot more complicated. Especially in regards to boundaries and energy drainage. I don't see that changing before he comes home for very very complicated reasons I can't divulge. But as long as I'm getting a good amount of his energy I can live with that for now. I worry more for HIM.
 
I just gave some thought to this very thing over the past week and weekend. I decided that I have been good about voicing my needs, but yes I have been very selective about what I REALLY need for the next few weeks until he gets home. I feel like this is a good mixture between getting ALL my needs met, and asking for more than he can do right now. It's a compromise, but a good one.

This sounds good. :)
 
So I had a couple of very interesting emotional reactions this week, on opposite sides of the spectrum for different reasons.

I have now confirmed, that when I am in my PMS week (the week before), there must be some hormonal/emotional shift that goes on (yes, obvious I know!), but it can poison my brain in very strange ways. On Monday, I had a great day, spoke with the hubs, then hung with the kidlets. I laid down to go to bed, and as soon as my eyes were shut I started to have the most horrible "worst case scenario" visions involving hubs and the GF. I saw it start, and then tried to think about other things, but it was really hard, and as soon as I would start to drift off to sleep, it would come back with a vengeance. Now, all of the scenarios were something that I had thought about previously, worked through and filed away... but it seems like when I'm in this hormonally induced anxiety state, they come flying out of that filing cabinet and attack! The wierdest part for me was that I was in a good mood, feeling fine about things, nothing obvious to set off this train of thought except evil hormones.

Anyway, it took about an hour and a half to finally drift off, and I was fine the next morning. But what I'm realizing is that I need some better tools for dealing with those thoughts that come unbidden -- usually either in my sleep, waking me up, or if I wake up in the middle of the night, they'll attack as soon as I am slightly awake, or right when I lay down to drift off to sleep. It's like my waking mind keeps them where they need to be but my subconscious mind wants to bring them out to play. Sucky. But dealable.

On the other side of the spectrum, I've been doing alot of personal work. I've been blogging here, about the poly side of things, I've been journaling again, so that I can sort through whatever feelings I have, acknowledge them and hopefully put them to rest, and I've been doing a lot of reading on emotions and how to best honor them without letting them lead you around, and how to be kinder to myself instead of so perfectionistic.

Well, all of this is kind of constant, I do a lot every day, I've been doing a lot of intention setting in Yoga, etc. So yesterday I had texted hubs a bit more during the day, and then he called as he was driving which was nice. Sometime after that I felt this palpable *shift* in my emotions... like something opened up in me and I could see that everything was going to be fine, that he and I were great and were working together on our future, and that I was okay by myself too. It was ... calming, I guess. Like a load of worries and anxiety had just lifted. Very nice!

I know that everything's not going to be rainbows and unicorns from now on... and frankly my goal right now is to have fun each day, be mindful and attentive to what I'm doing at the time, and to get through this weekend without allowing PMS emotional crap bringing me down. But I feel like that letting go of things I cannot control is finally starting to hit. It's really a new sensation for me (being the anxiety-ridden control freak I always have been), and it's very freeing.
 
I have now confirmed, that when I am in my PMS week (the week before), there must be some hormonal/emotional shift that goes on (yes, obvious I know!), but it can poison my brain in very strange ways. On Monday, I had a great day, spoke with the hubs, then hung with the kidlets. I laid down to go to bed, and as soon as my eyes were shut I started to have the most horrible "worst case scenario" visions involving hubs and the GF. I saw it start, and then tried to think about other things, but it was really hard, and as soon as I would start to drift off to sleep, it would come back with a vengeance. Now, all of the scenarios were something that I had thought about previously, worked through and filed away... but it seems like when I'm in this hormonally induced anxiety state, they come flying out of that filing cabinet and attack! The wierdest part for me was that I was in a good mood, feeling fine about things, nothing obvious to set off this train of thought except evil hormones.

LOL! This sounds so familiar.

I seriously I need to be locked up in a padded room during my PMS week. I try to give my family fair warning and I've gotten better at recognizing what's happening, but the severe lows don't just go away. I'm not sure if it has really gotten worse since turning 40 or if I'm just more aware of things.
 
LOL! This sounds so familiar.

I seriously I need to be locked up in a padded room during my PMS week. I try to give my family fair warning and I've gotten better at recognizing what's happening, but the severe lows don't just go away. I'm not sure if it has really gotten worse since turning 40 or if I'm just more aware of things.

LOL, yeah, I've been there! I've been working on my health the past three years, and in the process have been able to correct a lot of hormonal imbalances and vitamin deficiencies. As I was approaching my 40's my periods had gotten really long and wierd... spotting a lot, before and afterward... sometimes it would be two weeks in length with all of that. Ick!! But since fixing a lot of stuff I'm back to regular PMS 5-7 days before, and a 5 day-ish period. It's been awesome!

I till expect it to vary, as I'm approaching my mid-40s, but I'll do whatever I can to help it along.

The funniest thing about the random anxiety on Monday was that it hit when I was feeling happy and content and no worries. It really helped me see that the hormonal anxiety thoughts are not always driven by where I really AM at the moment. I think because these past few months have been pretty brutal in the anxiety, worry, dealing with issues, blah blah blah, that whenever those anxiety thoughts hit, I was already in an anxious mood, so I attributed it to my general state of mind. Now I'm seeing that's not always the case.

I think next time though, I won't just try to sleep, I'll get up and read or something until I get tired again. Trying to control them WHILE falling asleep... failed experiment #1. :)
 
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