unprotected sex

AJM

New member
I F'ed up.

After 6 weeks of dating I started having unprotected sex with my gf... AHEAD of our scheduled testing date.

I trust her, I know her sexual history and that it's been 8 months since her last encounter and that she used protection. It doesn't help that we've fallen in love.

None of that matters because it wasn't MY decision to make. I was supposed to be tested, the gf was to be tested and my wife was going to get tested.

THEN we would all discuss it. Unfortunately, I jumped the gun and my wife is FURIOUS. She's upset about the feelings part but the health safety issue is priority. I know I screwed up. Big time. There's no putting this genie back in the bottle.

I can't defend with "well, we started sleeping together after 6 days and have never used a condom." or that my gf is "most likely clean"

I hope she forgives me.
 
No, you can't use excuses, and it is good that you know that. Did you tell your wife you'd broken your agreement as soon as it happened, and before resuming intimacy with your wife?

If I were your wife, my boundary would that, since you had unprotected sex without testing, there would be no unprotected intimacy with us until you'd been tested. But, i am not your wife. What is her boundary? How are you both going to make sure that, in the future, you either respect your agreements or work with one another to renegotiate them? How are you, specifically, going to begin better dealing with your NRE so it--and the hormones associate with it--don't override your better judgement?

Make a plan together for how to handle slip-ups in the future, and how to minimize those. Don't just say you're sorry, show her that you have done the internal work to understand what happened, and how to better keep agreements in the future.
 
Did you tell your wife you'd broken your agreement as soon as it happened, and before resuming intimacy with your wife?

Yes, I told her. No intimacy since the incident.
 
I don't want to minimize what you did, at all, but f-ups happen. In your wife's position, as long as I heard about the unprotected sex before we were intimate again, it would just be a matter of, ok, how are we going to handle testing and protection going forward. It might be helpful if you offered to use protection for a few months with both wife and gf, until waiting periods for STIs showing up have passed.

Is it possible that the FURIOUS from your wife is not just about sexual health, but about unprotected sex having emotional importance for her?
 
I don't want to minimize what you did, at all, but f-ups happen. In your wife's position, as long as I heard about the unprotected sex before we were intimate again, it would just be a matter of, ok, how are we going to handle testing and protection going forward. It might be helpful if you offered to use protection for a few months with both wife and gf, until waiting periods for STIs showing up have passed.

Is it possible that the FURIOUS from your wife is not just about sexual health, but about unprotected sex having emotional importance for her?

Yes. She JUST mentioned that issue in a long phone discussion yesterday. I never dreamed she would feel that way. It was never discussed. She feels that fluid exchange is an intimate thing that we would ONLY share between each other. If that's so, why did we ever discuss getting tested and a pre-req for ... something else?

She also said that she'll never use the "L" word with someone else, that's something she's reserving for "us" so now I'm so totally confused what we're even doing!!!!!

I've apologized dozens of times over. My wife is my soul mate and I will love her and stand by her no matter what. She hates (yes, she used that word) my GF and wants to punch her in the face (no, my wife is totally non-violent so this is unusual behavior) because she blames my GF as much for the unprotected as me. She said this is no longer fun and want's to close the relationship.

I have fallen in love with my GF but it's a new love that isn't as strong or deep as with my wife. It's going to hurt to stop seeing her. We have the most amazing chemistry. She excites me like I've never been excited before. When we're intimate she's fulfilling multiple fantasies all at once.

NO, I've never shared this with my wife. Some early over sharing, and to be honest... some regular conversations about my GF have sparked jealousy in my wife. Just because I love to hear all her details doesn't mean she wants to hear mine. From the very first week I started seeing my GF, the third date in the first week when my wife said "you're seeing her AGAIN?" sent up red flags.

It's all so clear in hindsight. She even mentioned my getting another GF so I wouldn't have to spend so much time with the current GF.

Here's another couple who thought they were ready for poly but weren't. A warning to other couples... do your homework and talk, talk, talk about every facet of your relationship and where you intend to go with poly and what you're going to get out of it.
 
And your GF's feelings in all this? How will you handle your breakup with her, and does she see it coming?

I agree, so many couples open up when they just aren't ready, because the fantasy sounds so enticing. And so many people get hurt. When I was interested in finding more partners, I got a lot of crap for being unwilling to entertain the idea of dating anyone, but especially men, in a married couple. I was called "close minded," and told time and again, "but we're different!" While I know there are exceptions out there (in fact, some are members here), all of my previous attempts at dating a married man who claimed to be poly/open had ended pretty much exactly like this: jealousy and drama. And always from the wife (I've never had it from a man if I am dating the wife, but that tends to go sideways for other reasons, usually that I am not interested in a threesome). It's always ended badly. Most especially for me, who ended up tossed aside because the wife was insecure, upset, jealous, etc. (Yes, I vetted, yes, I took it slowly, yes I asked all the questions and was very specific, etc.).

I wish more people, especially couples, would check their hormones and fantasies, and do the work before opening up, to help avoid leaving a wake of hurt people behind them.

I realize this sounds harsh, but it's a story I've seen so many times, here and IRL, it's one of the many reasons I think poly gets a bad name: it comes across as exploitative and destructive. It's not the poly. It's the people involved.

While I hope you and your wife find a way to work out your issues, I also wish your GF peace and happiness as she heals. She's a person in this, too.
 
Last edited:
And your GF's feelings in all this? How will you handle your breakup with her, and does she see it coming?

she's fallen for me like I have her. she's mono and has no desire to date but she's still looking for "the one" that she wouldn't have to share. we talk every day about what's going on.


I agree, so many couples open up when they just aren't ready, because the fantasy sounds so enticing.

My wife's been dating since May 2015. She's been with 7 or 8 guys (sexually) and been on at least a dozen other dates that didn't go any further. Most of the guys she's seen were one-and-done's. The one guy she dated for 3 weeks last spring was Bi and when it became apparent his partner wasn't on board with him being poly she broke it off. Her current 2 BF's are from the poly community.

I've only been dating since early December. We're both shocked at her reaction to everything.
 
Sounds like your wife may have been ready to be poly herself, but not ready for you to be...I can understand that. I'm just fine with being poly and having more than one partner, but three and a half months into my relationship with Woody, I still struggle at times with the fact that *he* has other partners. It's a fear and insecurity thing. I know that *I* can have multiple loving relationships and not shortchange anyone or focus overly much on one partner over the other (though I have failed at that in the past, admittedly), but I fear that *someone else* might not have that capability.

I understand the importance some place on fluid bonding, as well, so I can see your wife's perspective. I'm that way myself; to me it's an important step in a relationship, because it indicates that you believe the relationship is one that will last, and that you've developed the trust in each other to stop using protection during sex. For me personally, because I practice energy healing and have other beliefs some would put in the "new age" category, fluid bonding also represents a deepening of the bond between two people.

It's unfortunate that you acted without thinking. It's even more unfortunate that this has hurt your wife and your girlfriend; your wife because she feels, from what you've said, as if you've betrayed her, and your girlfriend because she's losing a relationship without being given any say in it.
 
Why does your wife have veto power and get to unilaterally close your relationship if you are not in agreement? That is very disrespectful of anyone else you get involved with. Does your gf know your wife has the authority over whether her relationship with you can continue? Did she know going in that one word from your wife and you would dump her?

You can slow things down and make concessions, but you don't have to break up with your gf or be monogamous if you don't really want to. Is she your partner or your dictator? It sounds like you both need to talk more, more, more.
 
Last edited:
She also said that she'll never use the "L" word with someone else, that's something she's reserving for "us" so now I'm so totally confused what we're even doing!!!!!
I'm in agreement. What's the point of poly amory, if there's no love?

Here's another couple who thought they were ready for poly but weren't. A warning to other couples... do your homework and talk, talk, talk about every facet of your relationship and where you intend to go with poly and what you're going to get out of it.
As Green Acres points out in her post quoted below--I think very few women are ever really ready for their husbands to fall in love with another woman. The man I was seeing had had an open marriage for over 15 years when he asked me out. In all that time, his wife had seen him in love with women on line. She'd seen him have sex with lots of women in real life. But she'd never seen him fall in love with, and stay with, someone in real life for as long as he was with me. Despite him telling me how experienced they were at this--and how good they were at it--she was not ready for it, and couldn't handle it.

...all of my previous attempts at dating a married man who claimed to be poly/open had ended pretty much exactly like this: jealousy and drama. And always from the wife .... It's always ended badly. Most especially for me, who ended up tossed aside because the wife was insecure, upset, jealous, etc.

....it's one of the many reasons I think poly gets a bad name: it comes across as exploitative and destructive. It's not the poly. It's the people involved.

While I hope you and your wife find a way to work out your issues, I also wish your GF peace and happiness as she heals. She's a person in this, too.
Yes to everything. This was exactly my experience. Jealousy, drama, games. They 'don't have vetoes' so she played the silent veto game, instead. He swears he doesn't understand why I ended up feeling used and as if she in particular regarded me as nothing more than a toy to entertain him while she was out with other men--and a toy that malfunctioned and had to be tossed out with the trash.

I did remind him they were the only faces of poly I had ever known in real life, and they weren't making poly look good by their behavior.
 
I am sorry you deal in this. It sounds like you learned various places where things could have been better mapped out.

How do you want to move it forward? Sounds like you have some sorting out to do.

GIRLFRIEND

she's fallen for me like I have her. she's mono and has no desire to date but she's still looking for "the one" that she wouldn't have to share.

So why are you and her dating when she DOES have to share you? Not a match if she's looking for someone she does not have to share. Is this a short term relationship and you have agreed to break up by a certain time? (Ex: enjoy it for now, but it's over in summer because then her work is sending her to France?)

If it isn't something like that, if you are knowingly taking up her (monoamorous/monogamous) Sweetie slot indefinitely, how is that kind?

It isn't like she's going to be eager to get out there looking for a more compatible person. Because she's distracted making cozy with you and the longer than goes on, the more bonded both become and the harder it is to break up than it is when it is early days.

Might be kinder to let it go. Seek a GF who is ok sharing and compatible already. Not be picking one out that comes with hurdles.

Because you already see it is a challenge having a wife who is having a hard time sharing. Don't set yourself up by adding a GF who does not want to share either so you end up "tug-o-war" feeling.

That's not looking out for GF's best interests or your own. Why make your own life harder? :confused:

WIFE

Wife has discovered she has hinge skills, but NOT meta skills. Rather than work on them, she rather stop. Fair enough. She is in charge of HER willingess to participate in things.

To me she sounds emotionally flooded, and overwhelmed. I could see her wanting to stop everything so she stops feeling like that.

She can ask for both (you + her) Close. That's fair. You are not a mind reader.

Rather than go off flooding too, you could calm yourself, expect change to be challenging, and respond with clarifying questions.

  • Is this just this GF? Esp since she's not long term compatible and its only been 8 weeks anyway, maybe you let it go. You postpone dating new people til June, and wife agrees to work on her stuff in that time so she has less of a cow next time. Call all this a learning experience.

  • Is this permanent? If so? You can say “No” if you do not want to Close your side permanently. You are in charge of your willingness.


Then she has to do her emotional management. When done with that?

  • She could decide to Close her side, and stay with you while you side of it remains Open.

  • Or Close her side, and not stay with you.

If she's asking for it to be Open on her side and Closed on yours and you do not want that, you can say "Thank you, but no. I do not agree."

She feels that fluid exchange is an intimate thing that we would ONLY share between each other. If that's so, why did we ever discuss getting tested and a pre-req for ... something else?

Tempting as it is to look backwards, focus on moving it FORWARD.

You did not know. She did not make you aware. She assumed her values are you values.

You both have now learned NOT to assume that just because you are married, you stopped being individual people with different thoughts, values, and beliefs. To prevent this in future, you could make it a habit to repeat back what the other one said so you know you understood how they MEANT it.

To deal with THIS particular situation, now that you know this data, what do you want to do about it moving forward? Getting tests and using condoms til tests come clear would be a good start. Then making plan to be tested regularly.

Then asking if there's anything else that needs to be laid out on the table and made known. No more assuming.

She also said that she'll never use the "L" word with someone else, that's something she's reserving for "us" so now I'm so totally confused what we're even doing!!!!!

Take this more calm. Take a step back.

On her side of the V, she can do that behavior. She is in charge of her behaviors. So? That doesn't mean YOUR side of the V has to be the same. She and her BF can wear matching polka dot socks and guess what? You don't have to be doing that same thing with you and your GF.

She does not share the word "Love" with her BF. Just with you. Fine. That is her choice. YOU can share the word "Love" with whoever you please. That is YOUR choice.

Remember that you and wife are individuals as well as a couple. You aren't joined at at the hip, having to do everything the same as if you were carbon copies.

She's upset right now. Just let her express herself and don't take it personally. Accept it and say “Thank you. I appreciate you sharing you love me, and love the things between us. I love you and I love the things between us a lot too.”

COMFORT. She's felling disconnected and seems to want to feel connected to you with these grand declarations of love for you. Foster CONNECTION right now. Meet the need to be appreciated, that you see changes are hard, that you love her, and reassure you want to be with her still.

It's not the time to tell her that, actually, you are allowed to love who you want and use love words with who you want. Your wife cannot control your mouth, feelings or thoughts. Totally true, because you are INDIVIDUALS, but right now, asserting your individuality at this time does not bring closeness and connection with your wife that she seems to need.

I think it might be hard for you to see that over your OWN need for stability because things are all wonky. Breathe. Slow this down. It might feel urgent, but there's no actual fire.

LATER when both are cooler headed you can ask the clarifying questions about that.

"Sounds like this V is monoamorous and polysexual on your side. You want to share our love only with me. You want to share sex with me and your BFs.

And it is polyamorous and polysexual on mine. I want to share my love with you and my GF. As well as sex. Is that a fair assesment?"


If wife is more monoamorous and polysexual, wants to share love only with you, and share sex with more than you? That's how she wants.

If YOU want polyamourous and polysexual, want to share love with more than one, and sex with more than one, That's what YOU want.

AGAIN... it's ok that you and wife are not carbon copies of each other. Mono-poly can work out if both want it to.

I suggest you stop apologizing. You have done it enough. Start comforting more. I am not hearing much of that.

Start seeking more venting for yourself outside the system. I am not hearing much of that. You are trying to vent at your wife and get comfort there, but an empty cup cannot pour. Since you are the one who broke agreement, try to see this and meet your support needs outside the system. Be generous and let wife sit in the inner thing this time. One comforts in and kvetches OUT.


I've only been dating since early December. We're both shocked at her reaction to everything.

Keep that in mind. It's only been 8 weeks!

Later on, when both cooler headed and feeling less flummoxed, ask wife what you can do to help her with...

  • Moving past this broken agreement. Could the agreement be reframed in way that you CAN keep better in future? (ex: "Don't have sex with other people" vs "if you have sex with other people, tell me before you have sex with ME")
  • Finding out that (you and her) didn't talk everything out that you could and learning that you and her as a couple have some room to grow in your communication.
  • Learning she has room to grow in her meta skills
  • Learning how to manage her jealousy
  • Examining her core beliefs and updating them if needed. Because you sharing love with your GF is not you doing something TO your wife even if she is taking it personally right now because she believes it IS.

It's a lot to deal with, and she's only 8 weeks in. Encourage her, and remind her that you are there to be supportive, and she doesn't have to try to tackle all those things at once. One at a time is fine. Could even get a counselor to help give both more support in this new transition.

Can any of these help later when both are calmer?

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

Galagirl
 
Last edited:
GREAT feedback... from everyone. THANK YOU!!

Day-by-day things are looking better. wife is calm after getting support in her own poly community and sharing with other poly people instead of keeping everything bottled up. Wife and I have a plan to be safe until testing results are in.

GF is new to poly but came to a local poly meetup with me last week. I ask if she's dating yet and she says she hasn't found anyone she likes. *shrug*

I don't have the answers but hopefully with three brains working on it we can work out any issues.
 
Hi AJM,

Glad to hear things have calmed down somewhat. Hopefully you and your wife can work out an agreement that works for both of you.
 
Glad to hear things have calmed down somewhat. Hopefully you and your wife can work out an agreement that works for both of you.

Everything seems to have righted itself. Had a great reconnecting weekend with wife. She's apologized a million times for getting too crazy. GF and I are getting full tests this week so any communicable worries will be laid to rest too.
 
Back
Top