I am sorry you deal in this. It sounds like you learned various places where things could have been better mapped out.
How do you want to move it
forward? Sounds like you have some sorting out to do.
GIRLFRIEND
she's fallen for me like I have her. she's mono and has no desire to date but she's still looking for "the one" that she wouldn't have to share.
So why are you and her dating when she DOES have to share you? Not a match if she's looking for someone she does not have to share. Is this a short term relationship and you have agreed to break up by a certain time? (Ex: enjoy it for now, but it's over in summer because then her work is sending her to France?)
If it isn't something like that, if you are knowingly taking up her (monoamorous/monogamous) Sweetie slot indefinitely, how is that kind?
It isn't like she's going to be
eager to get out there looking for a more compatible person. Because she's distracted making cozy with you and the longer than goes on, the more bonded both become and the harder it is to break up than it is when it is early days.
Might be kinder to let it go. Seek a GF who is ok sharing and compatible already. Not be picking one out that comes with hurdles.
Because you
already see it is a challenge having a wife who is having a hard time sharing. Don't set yourself up by adding a GF who does not want to share either so you end up "tug-o-war" feeling.
That's not looking out for GF's best interests or your own. Why make your own life harder?
WIFE
Wife has discovered she has hinge skills, but NOT meta skills. Rather than work on them, she rather stop. Fair enough. She is in charge of HER willingess to participate in things.
To me she sounds emotionally flooded, and overwhelmed. I could see her wanting to stop everything so she stops feeling like that.
She can ask for both (you + her) Close. That's fair. You are not a mind reader.
Rather than go off flooding too, you could calm yourself, expect change to be challenging, and respond with clarifying questions.
- Is this just this GF? Esp since she's not long term compatible and its only been 8 weeks anyway, maybe you let it go. You postpone dating new people til June, and wife agrees to work on her stuff in that time so she has less of a cow next time. Call all this a learning experience.
- Is this permanent? If so? You can say “No” if you do not want to Close your side permanently. You are in charge of your willingness.
Then she has to do her emotional management. When done with that?
- She could decide to Close her side, and stay with you while you side of it remains Open.
- Or Close her side, and not stay with you.
If she's asking for it to be Open on her side and Closed on yours and you do not want that, you can say "Thank you, but no. I do not agree."
She feels that fluid exchange is an intimate thing that we would ONLY share between each other. If that's so, why did we ever discuss getting tested and a pre-req for ... something else?
Tempting as it is to look backwards, focus on moving it FORWARD.
You did not know. She did not make you aware. She assumed her values are you values.
You both have now learned NOT to assume that just because you are married, you stopped being individual people with different thoughts, values, and beliefs. To prevent this in future, you could make it a habit to repeat back what the other one said so you know you understood how they MEANT it.
To deal with THIS particular situation, now that you know this data, what do you want to do about it moving forward? Getting tests and using condoms til tests come clear would be a good start. Then making plan to be tested regularly.
Then asking if there's anything else that needs to be laid out on the table and made known. No more assuming.
She also said that she'll never use the "L" word with someone else, that's something she's reserving for "us" so now I'm so totally confused what we're even doing!!!!!
Take this more calm. Take a step back.
On her side of the V,
she can do that behavior. She is in charge of her behaviors. So? That doesn't mean YOUR side of the V has to be the same. She and her BF can wear matching polka dot socks and guess what? You don't have to be doing that same thing with you and your GF.
She does not share the word "Love" with her BF. Just with you. Fine. That is her choice. YOU can share the word "Love" with whoever you please. That is YOUR choice.
Remember that you and wife are individuals as well as a couple. You aren't joined at at the hip, having to do everything the same as if you were carbon copies.
She's upset right now. Just let her express herself and don't take it personally. Accept it and say “Thank you. I appreciate you sharing you love me, and love the things between us. I love you and I love the things between us a lot too.”
COMFORT. She's felling disconnected and seems to want to feel connected to you with these grand declarations of love for you. Foster CONNECTION right now. Meet the need to be appreciated, that you see changes are hard, that you love her, and reassure you want to be with her still.
It's not the time to tell her that,
actually, you are allowed to love who you want and use love words with who you want. Your wife cannot control your mouth, feelings or thoughts. Totally true, because you are INDIVIDUALS, but right now, asserting your individuality at this time does not bring closeness and connection with your wife that she seems to need.
I think it might be hard for you to see that over your OWN need for stability because things are all wonky. Breathe. Slow this down. It might
feel urgent, but there's no actual fire.
LATER when both are cooler headed you can ask the clarifying questions about that.
"Sounds like this V is monoamorous and polysexual on your side. You want to share our love only with me. You want to share sex with me and your BFs.
And it is polyamorous and polysexual on mine. I want to share my love with you and my GF. As well as sex. Is that a fair assesment?"
If wife is more monoamorous and polysexual, wants to share love only with you, and share sex with more than you? That's how she wants.
If YOU want polyamourous and polysexual, want to share love with more than one, and sex with more than one, That's what YOU want.
AGAIN... it's ok that you and wife are not carbon copies of each other. Mono-poly can work out if both want it to.
I suggest you stop apologizing. You have done it enough. Start comforting more. I am not hearing much of that.
Start seeking more venting for yourself outside the system. I am not hearing much of that. You are trying to vent at your wife and get comfort there, but an empty cup cannot pour. Since you are the one who broke agreement, try to see this and meet your support needs outside the system. Be generous and let wife sit in the inner thing this time.
One comforts in and kvetches OUT.
I've only been dating since early December. We're both shocked at her reaction to everything.
Keep that in mind. It's only been 8 weeks!
Later on, when both cooler headed and feeling less flummoxed, ask wife what you can do to help her with...
- Moving past this broken agreement. Could the agreement be reframed in way that you CAN keep better in future? (ex: "Don't have sex with other people" vs "if you have sex with other people, tell me before you have sex with ME")
- Finding out that (you and her) didn't talk everything out that you could and learning that you and her as a couple have some room to grow in your communication.
- Learning she has room to grow in her meta skills
- Learning how to manage her jealousy
- Examining her core beliefs and updating them if needed. Because you sharing love with your GF is not you doing something TO your wife even if she is taking it personally right now because she believes it IS.
It's a lot to deal with, and she's only 8 weeks in. Encourage her, and remind her that you are there to be supportive, and she doesn't have to try to tackle all those things at once. One at a time is fine. Could even get a counselor to help give both more support in this new transition.
Can any of these help later when both are calmer?
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles/are-you-in-poly-hell
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articl...nster-managing-jealousy-in-open-relationships
http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/images/Jealousy_Updated_10-6-10.pdf
http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
Galagirl