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Old 05-16-2016, 07:27 PM
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Spork Spork is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Colorado Springs
Posts: 2,540

You know, I look back at the people who loved me when I could not love them back...and despite what I say here, there were far more of them, than there were people that I loved with any great passion...and how I reacted to that...

In the past, I have emotionally or physically distanced myself.

I have faked the funk. I have allowed partners to think that I loved them in the same ways or to the same degrees, when I didn't.

Most notably was my looonnnng marriage. I used to, without reservation, simply tell him that I loved him in return. Eventually I felt a need to be more honest. I began to tell him that there was a chance, that when the kids were grown, I might leave. I began to tell him that I was sorry, because he has always been so very in love with me, and I do love him for the family connection we have, but I have never been as passionate for him as he was for me. That I was just doing my best with the cards life had dealt me.

It has been very hurtful to him that I never loved him as much or in the way that he loved me. He feels that our entire marriage was "a lie" because I never wanted to be with him. There is so much more to it than that, but I don't want to be deceptive. And immediately rebounding from that, to the Worm King, who was impossible to read (rare--as I said I can usually read people and I couldn't read him)...and who did not want to explore his own motivations with me and be communicative about what he was seeking or where he could meet me...he was sometimes deliberately confusing, I think...

After all of that stuff, I just want to be totally upfront. So at this time, if someone told me that they loved me, I would smile and be good to them, and I would ask them what that meant, and I might tell them that I didn't feel that way but I appreciated it. If I were building a new relationship thing I might tell them if I thought maybe I needed more time to feel that way. We would have seperate conversations about life escalator stuff and relationship style so that they know very well where I am at.

In my present polycule, I did not have instant "bonfire style" passion for any of them except Fire (somewhat.) I was kind of unsure of the others at first. But they seemed like good people, so I decided to give it a chance. And it DID grow into a beautiful and wonderful kind of love with each of them. A kind that feels a LOT less perilious than the immediate and explosive, obsessive kind I've had in the past for a few of my partners.

But that bonfire is a lot of fun while it lasts, usually not long but still. I wish very, very much that I could have that and enjoy it and NOT have it wind up being hurtful and messy and confusing. I would give nearly anything to find a partner where we both feel the same bonfire and both enjoy it enough to keep doing it. I've wondered pretty much my whole life if that is even possible.
Spork 39 F
Zen Sadist late 50's, M - Sadomasochistic Top, Lover, Nesting Partner. My all around wonderful Man Person.

Analyst, Fire & Hefe My poly quad from August 2015 to July 2016. Still dear & loved friends.

Ninja- 19, Son
Q- 17, Son

Old Wolf- Ex Husband
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